tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post308289783794716315..comments2023-11-05T05:56:59.725-05:00Comments on Mrs. Furious ... Recipes, Rants & Reality: Sex Poll Wrap UpMrs Furioushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-30035879328152725992008-01-29T23:51:00.000-05:002008-01-29T23:51:00.000-05:00Mrs. F... So well put.Mrs. F... So well put.Nutmeghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05046804821520644979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-53765245825842416162008-01-28T21:20:00.000-05:002008-01-28T21:20:00.000-05:00Michelline,this is what I think I want to say...Th...Michelline,<BR/>this is what I think I want to say...<BR/>Therapy is often (if not mostly) viewed as a "treatment", as something you do when you don't have a good family or support system at home, something you do as a last (or close to it) resort.<BR/>I don't agree with that and think that is a very misinformed understanding of what therapy is.<BR/>Therapy is actually at its best when it is ongoing and preventative. Therapy allows you a safe place with a removed unbiased 3rd party who can help you navigate your inner conflicts and motivations without it hurting someone else's feelings. Therapy can help validate your experience and allow you a place where you can feel your feelings and then find a way to move on. Therapy can help you find coping strategies for the destructive dysfunctional relationships, etc. <BR/>When you are training to be a therapist (especially within the analytic circles I was educated in) it is considered irresponsible practice if you are not in therapy yourself... how are you to help others if you can't distinguish your own projections?<BR/>I believe that knowing yourself thoroughly is pretty much the point of life. To know and feel and allow yourself to grow and let go and own all of you. For me that is a daily pursuit. <BR/>Therapy has much more to offer than crisis management. And it is the fortunate few who have had the opportunity to take advantage of it.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-24800660164995974592008-01-28T20:09:00.000-05:002008-01-28T20:09:00.000-05:00Michelline,My point wasn't that you needed to talk...Michelline,<BR/>My point wasn't that you needed to talk to your mom. I've got a crazy mom and have a similar understanding of her limitations. <BR/><BR/>My point was more regarding therapy. Now I'm a huge believer in therapy and have no hang ups about it... obviously that's why I am a therapist ;)<BR/><BR/>My point was that for you you've chosen not to talk to her and that works for you many other people have other needs and for them they may need a therapist to talk to in order to deal with the ramifications of such severe abuse. Saying you're lucky that you don't need therapy is subjective. You've lived your life and you are happy with your choices you'll never know if therapy could have helped/would still help if you haven't actually tried it. My fear is that made it sound like being in therapy is a negative and I hate for people to think that.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-70785601667060304222008-01-28T19:54:00.000-05:002008-01-28T19:54:00.000-05:00being in therapy is NOT a sign of weakness. Jeez. ...<I>being in therapy is NOT a sign of weakness. </I><BR/><BR/>Jeez. I keep offending you today:( But honestly, I didn't mean it is. My MIL is a LMHC and I know how important therapy can be. I just feel that it's not something that's necessary for me. I am sure I could completely benefit from it, but I've managed to find my own work around. Having found Chris and his parents at a very early age (16) was immensely helpful to me. Not everyone is that lucky. Chris is remarkedly well put together. I really envy him at times for his ability to know how to talk to people and not have everyone misunderstand him. <BR/><BR/>Re not talking to my mother about the traumas of my childhood - I don't really see the benefit. My mother has her reasons for what happened and I can understand them. Not agree with them, but sympathize with what she went through. Her mother has gone through 8 husbands. Nothing she put me through compares to what she went through. Who will I help by bringing up the past? Maybe me. But probably not. I'd definitely hurt her and everyone else in my family.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-69099730124550750752008-01-28T10:54:00.000-05:002008-01-28T10:54:00.000-05:00Robin,I'm sorry to hear about your dad. :(Robin,<BR/>I'm sorry to hear about your dad. :(Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-11575828751571452542008-01-28T10:29:00.000-05:002008-01-28T10:29:00.000-05:00I guess I should make it clear... that I do in fac...I guess I should make it clear... that I do in fact know how common drug abuse/alcoholism really is. Sometimes I'm speaking more rhetorically. <BR/>I have found it interesting how often it comes out here.... but that maybe more do to the fact that I am open about my situation and so people feel more comfortable sharing their situations as well.<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>Nutmeg,<BR/>No one who met my parents would think they were anything but educated caring parents. That made it worse.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-19216239847424828132008-01-28T10:26:00.000-05:002008-01-28T10:26:00.000-05:00I am drawn to your blog because it is funny, well ...I am drawn to your blog because it is funny, well written, and I can relate to the craziness of staying at home with two young children. It is nice to know that other people (you and the other commenters) are going through the same growing pains as I.<BR/><BR/>My childhood was very normal. I was never abused, mentally, physically or sexually. I never realized until now how fortunate I am that none of that happened to me. I am so sorry that you ladies had to go through that. <BR/><BR/>Re: drug use. I am 35, and my parents didn't do drugs although my father was an alcoholic. (A pretty benign one. He was emotionally unavailable, but never abused us. He was a decent guy. He passed away when I was 17 from diabetes and alcoholism.) My mom has told me that a couple of their friends pulled out some cocaine at their kitchen table one time and my dad kicked them out. It was the 80's and my dad rode Harley's and had a bunch of "motorcycle friends." So the drugs were there, but my parents for whatever reason weren't interested. My mom and I have talked about this, so I am pretty sure they weren't doing stuff that I wasn't aware of. My mom and I have a really good, open relationship. Again, I didn't realize how fortunate I am.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12304327181811443927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-38545619530830467942008-01-28T10:23:00.000-05:002008-01-28T10:23:00.000-05:00michelline,ooh be careful...being in therapy is NO...michelline,<BR/>ooh be careful...<BR/><BR/>being in therapy is NOT a sign of weakness. <BR/><BR/>I cannot think of one person I have met who wouldn't have benefitted from therapy. You don't have to be mentally ill to benefit... heck you don't even have to be depressed.<BR/><BR/>Saying you never talk about with your mom about your abuse is how you chose to cope but it isn't an emotionally healthier way than dealing with your feelings.<BR/><BR/>I'm sure you didn't mean it to sound like a judgment but there are a lot of people out there who DO feel that way or fear they would be viewed that way and it keeps them from getting the help that they need.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-77364161192953781622008-01-28T09:57:00.000-05:002008-01-28T09:57:00.000-05:00This makes me wonder though... are people drawn to...<I>This makes me wonder though... are people drawn to this blog because they can relate to me and therefore have a higher chance of having had a bad childhood in some form...</I><BR/><BR/>Somewhat. I can in no way compare to your childhood, but mine was still not exactly sunshine and lollipops. My mother abused me mentally and physically until I was 18 when I told her if she touched me again, she'd never see me. I went through black eyes, welts from clothes hangers, etc. When I was a senior in high school, Chris got to see her abusing me and was shocked because he comes from a family with no spanking at all. To know that his girlfriend was getting kicked in the head was quite an eye opener. My stepfather (#1) did drugs and because of it lost a few jobs and we were constantly moving from one roach infested trailer to another to avoid eviction, but only smoked regular tobacco at home. At least as far as I know... I do know that I was pretty good at rolling cigarettes at 8!<BR/><BR/><I>or is having self absorbed drug abusing parents really common?!?</I><BR/><BR/>Maybe not drug abusing parents, but the self absorbed...<BR/><BR/>My mother and I NEVER discuss my childhood. All the bad things never happened. I'm lucky in that I'm not the type of person who needs therapy to make it. I was lucky to find Chris when I was 16 and he's been my touchstone to reality sometimes. His parents were the first happy marriage I had ever seen.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Oh - and people are drawn here because you write very well about things that are generally very interesting. And you have cute kids!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-11659191746997905632008-01-28T08:46:00.000-05:002008-01-28T08:46:00.000-05:00POM... yes... I agree. I'm in my thirties (Thoug...POM... yes... I agree. I'm in my thirties (Though I seriously look 16). My mom has definitely been smoking pot since she was in college. She never did "harder" drugs (but also did hallucinogenics) though smoking pot several times a day really screws up your ability to be an observant involved parent. My father never did drugs, as far as I can remember. He was a terrible alcoholic though.<BR/><BR/>As I mentioned, I don't think any of my friends growing up had parents doing these kinds of things, but who seriously talks about that... especially as kids. I recall thinking several of them had such betty crocker moms and spent a lot of time at their houses. But what goes on behind closed doors? I'm sure no one thought my dad was an abusive alcoholic or my mom was always high.Nutmeghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05046804821520644979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-44462621895162827452008-01-27T22:46:00.000-05:002008-01-27T22:46:00.000-05:00P.O.M.,Yes I was going to say something similar ye...P.O.M.,<BR/>Yes I was going to say something similar yesterday. I actually am in my 30s... just incredibly young looking ;) My parents were young hippies and yeah there was lots of pot and then once the 80s hit things definitely progressed. My dad is in the entertainment industry so you know drugs abound. He actually had us grow "cigarette plants" with him when we were little. Let me tell you I was SHOCKED to see that it was pot on a "Just Say NO" video at school in 3rd grade... that was a little traumatizing. My dad still smokes pot and I don't care about that it bothers me more when he is drinking. My mom doesn't use herself but needs to be involved with addicts. The heroine addict she was with for 6 years starting in my highschool years was the winner of that bunch. Her current husband is nice but a gambler. Not too coincidentally I married a man who has NEVER taken a drug in his life.... sadly my brother is drawn the other way.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-46368612526956272592008-01-27T22:33:00.000-05:002008-01-27T22:33:00.000-05:00Not related to sex, but I have to pipe in here - I...Not related to sex, but I have to pipe in here - I think having drug addict/absentee parents is actually more common than we think. Especially our generation. I'm in my 30s and I think you are nearing yours :) My parents were hippy-like free lovin' smokin' pot and having weird parties with guys who drive yellow corvettes and wear big gold chains. Then pot turned into coke. Then divorce. Then coke turned into speed for one parent. Ever been around anyone who does speed for over 10 years? Not fun. <BR/><BR/>Maybe just in California, but a lot of my friends parents had drug issues too. Of course we all hide it so well to fit in with the Jones'.P.O.M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16410533843419723414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-42881318076046368252008-01-27T15:29:00.000-05:002008-01-27T15:29:00.000-05:00Amy,forget that.... I read the emphasis on "you sa...Amy,<BR/>forget that.... I read the emphasis on "you say" to be literally about me and now I see what you meant. Sorry.<BR/>Yes I agree with you. Clearly as is evidenced by everyone's willingness to do the polls and the online and offline feedback I got... everyone is somewhat worried that what they are doing is not normal (or enough).Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-52106824914824381342008-01-27T15:13:00.000-05:002008-01-27T15:13:00.000-05:00Amy,hmmm... I don't know what you are referring to...Amy,<BR/>hmmm... I don't know what you are referring to. I don't think I said our sex life is normal. Although after doing the polls I do think it is normal now. <BR/>Our main issues are frequency. And once you get in an infrequent cycle (straight up if Mr F and I went to bed at the same time and in the same bed things would be better) then I think resentments or rejections (even if unintended) can keep you in that cycle... we work very hard to address those but until the baby is sleeping our sleeping situation is not helping matters!!Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-47764718170150828342008-01-27T14:45:00.000-05:002008-01-27T14:45:00.000-05:00i think it's interesting to see these results beca...i think it's interesting to see these results because i think despite what you say, there is something you find abnormal about your sex life. And, to see that other people are answering similar to you means that there are lots of other people out there doing the same abnormal things that you are. my friends and I talk about this subject a lot (surprise surprise, men), and have found a lot of similarities despite the fact that we all LOOK like relatively normal and healthy people. i've decided that a normal sex life is whatever you're doing. period.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15167781724086312806noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-28607673326499671392008-01-27T11:28:00.000-05:002008-01-27T11:28:00.000-05:00Marie,we do kind of eat it all in about 2 days (it...Marie,<BR/>we do kind of eat it all in about 2 days (its good). But I don't see why you couldn't either just make half of a recipe or finish kneading it and divide it in half and freeze it. If you do let me know how it turns out.<BR/><BR/>and<BR/>"<I>while we go "clean our room"....</I>"<BR/>good one!Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-58466284271952467892008-01-27T07:40:00.000-05:002008-01-27T07:40:00.000-05:00TOTALLY off topic, but am feeling better today and...TOTALLY off topic, but am feeling better today and was going to try your bread recipe (we are out of bread and cooking sounds better than packing everyone up to go to the store!). Just wondering how long homemade bread lasts? I usually make rolls, and they are gone within a day...not sure we can eat 2 loaves that quickly!! Do you think I could freeze half the dough for another time? Hmmm...<BR/><BR/>I will add that I think having small kids (toddlers, babies) puts a damper on the sex life. I'm so tired after taking care of them all day, even if I WANT to, I don't..kwim? And then there's the late night wake-ups, and forget about it if your co-sleeping...we find the best time is if dh and I are both home during the day, we take advantage of naptime, or if the older girls don't nap will drag out the paints and set them free while we go "clean our room"....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-21937347755217170952008-01-27T00:48:00.000-05:002008-01-27T00:48:00.000-05:00Amy,I have no idea how they move grain here... CRA...Amy,<BR/>I have no idea how they move grain here... CRAZY... that is completely out of my realm of knowledge. I don't drive by too many dairies (none) so I don't know.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-90969959949945833002008-01-27T00:47:00.000-05:002008-01-27T00:47:00.000-05:00Nutmeg,"With my mom, I'm remaining in the role as ...Nutmeg,<BR/>"<I>With my mom, I'm remaining in the role as most responsible party in our relationship</I>"<BR/>Yes I can most definitely relate to that.<BR/>Mr F just said "crazy parallel style"... yes but minus the beatings and incest and that is a lot of shit to deal with and I can't even imagine having to keep your brother in your life. <BR/>What would happen if you did tell your mom?<BR/>Are you afraid that she won't believe you or are you protecting her?<BR/>Wouldn't it help you to avoid your brother if you could?<BR/><BR/>as for this...<BR/>"<I>the sex has been plentiful and free of anxiety for me until I start to really feel safe in the relationship and trust the other person</I>"<BR/>I find this is quite a common scenario... obviously your reaction is understandably strong but I think there is a subtlety that goes on for many with sex and emotional vulnerability that is somewhat the inverse of the socially accepted norm. Sex with no emotional involvement is a different thing altogether.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-49890237195756326092008-01-27T00:11:00.000-05:002008-01-27T00:11:00.000-05:00And sorry to bring the mood down! I'm usually the...And sorry to bring the mood down! I'm usually the life of the party!Nutmeghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05046804821520644979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-50928729151378813732008-01-27T00:04:00.000-05:002008-01-27T00:04:00.000-05:00Amy, there's a little evolutionary biology behind ...Amy, there's a little evolutionary biology behind having sex more often when your mate is away a lot. For reasons I won't detail, but are probably pretty clear, males are at a high evolutionary pressure to not raise someone else's offspring (be cuckolded). Because sperm are cheap a man who is away a lot will be willing to toss some extras into the fray, just in case his mate has strayed, as that will help diminish the chances that he'll be cuckolded. Of course, that's just why HE would want it more. You probably just are more willing because he isn't irritating you! :)<BR/><BR/>Emmy, thanks for your thoughts. We are somewhat anxiously awaiting our visit with the specialist. I'm sort of afraid we'll get laughed out of the office, but that's because I have a weird medical history myself and haven't had some really disturbing symptoms of my own taken seriously for a long time. My husband thinks I'm crazy! <BR/><BR/>Mrs. F, of course sorry to hear that you too had to go through this. I don't honestly remember much about growing up because things were so bad on so many fronts, so I sympathize there. I think having drug addicted absentee/abusive parents isn't as common as the sampling here might suggest... although who TALKS about that, really. I just read the last question you answered and I see myself in a lot/all of what you said. <BR/><BR/>Part of the problem with suffering inscestual abuse is that sex which doesn't come along with lots of emotional ties is actually not that difficult. In any relationship I've ever been in, the sex has been plentiful and free of anxiety for me until I start to really feel safe in the relationship and trust the other person... then WHAM, my skin crawls when I get touched, nausea, anxiety attacks over the mere possibility that he might WANT to have sex. This is really hard for a partner because things WERE normal, so what happened? <BR/><BR/>Fortunately, by the time I got married, I knew this about myself and warned him before we even got to that point. I said things seem fine now, but they won't be later, I promise.<BR/><BR/>I also had a period of time when I was relatively promiscuous, and for me it was taking control that was important, not being loved. I could manipulate a man and I was in control (I obviously WASN'T in control, but I felt like that and that was powerful for me.)<BR/><BR/>As far as my mom and brother go... well. My mom is crazy (like...bipolar/borderline personality crazy) but she is around and funny and sometimes very helpful (the problem is obviously unpredictability, however). She doesn't know and I am not going to tell her, because of the previously mentioned instability. My brother has drug problems etc and he remains in touch with me. 5 years ago when he would call me it would really set me back... the other problem with incestual abuse, the abuser sticks around and shows up at family functions and you are expected to love him. My biggest problem now is that my mom wants to know why he and I aren't closer... she wants me to feel bad for him and his depression and his substance abuse problems and his anxiety, and how badly my dad beat him (I'm not sure why she forgets he beat me too). I've got no good answers for her and so I just listen to her and pretend to be interested in all of my brother's "problems" when honestly, I couldn't give a shit. We inhereted the same crappy brain chemistry and we grew up in the same crappy house and I had it worse because of HIM. I pulled my life together so I don't really have any sympathy, thanks. <BR/><BR/>Additionally it GALLS me that he went through all the steps and all this therapy when he was in drug treatment centers and went to sessions with my mom and got all "honest" with her, but managed to leave that out.<BR/><BR/>So... I think with respect to my brother, I'm kind of over being traumatized by his presence in my life, and I've moved on to being really profoundly angry. With my mom, I'm remaining in the role as most responsible party in our relationship, but I don't see what I would gain by telling her.Nutmeghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05046804821520644979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-28622463390688004612008-01-26T23:58:00.000-05:002008-01-26T23:58:00.000-05:00Hubby owns/operates a truck / tractor (8-wheel bul...Hubby owns/operates a truck / tractor (8-wheel bulldozer). Basically, he pushes silage (cow feed) for the dairies. I don't know how they do it in the midwest, but if you've ever seen tall, long piles covered in plastic at a dairy, that's a silage pile. So, he works when the crops are harvested: mid-March thru mid-May, then again mid-July thru Oct.<BR/><BR/>For us...I think it's more "A". I definitely hold on to those little resentments and can't forget them where sex is concerned.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09526715001450245593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-13462843038656927582008-01-26T23:44:00.000-05:002008-01-26T23:44:00.000-05:00Amy," So if the lack of sex was a real frustration...Amy,<BR/>"<I> So if the lack of sex was a real frustration for him I'd be seeing more of him before passing out.</I>"<BR/>lol... probably true.<BR/><BR/>what does your husband do by the way?<BR/><BR/>and I think that is makes complete sense that you'd have sex more when he was busy working. When Mr F was around all the time it was much easier to A) either have on going dumb resentments about the help/lack there of or B) think that we didn't have to make time for intimate time because we were always together.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-9090795640162662782008-01-26T23:33:00.000-05:002008-01-26T23:33:00.000-05:00I know what you mean,I shudder to think of any of ...I know what you mean,I shudder to think of any of my kids doing the STUPID things I did,and I know it is only by the grace of God that I am here to talk about it. I have a lot of insecurity and anxiety crap from my baggage, but I too like myself as I am and know that I'm OK. I do know that I will not ever assume my kids are fine and not doing anything stupidlike mine did,they did their own thing and were clueless which to me felt like they didn't care.I know now that isn't true and I wouldn't want to pain them with all the crap that went on but I also know that I need to be very present for my kids.emmyjwhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08081167445269878399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3970661341243634764.post-30650464828233008342008-01-26T23:27:00.000-05:002008-01-26T23:27:00.000-05:00Nutmeg,how are your relationships with your mother...Nutmeg,<BR/>how are your relationships with your mother and brother now?<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>Emmy,<BR/>I'm sorry to hear about your molestation and date rape. Mine happened when I was going through a similar phase... much worse could have happened to me I was being such a complete idiot I'm lucky I'm not dead. I often think about that time and just hoped to God my girls don't go through a similar phase.Mrs Furioushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18082932653215907248noreply@blogger.com