If You Give A Cat A Bowl Of Milk...

It will come back when it's raining and ask you to build it a shelter.

If you build it a shelter it will want some super expensive all natural deli turkey to go with it.

If you give it some super expensive all natural deli turkey, it will want you to groom it.
If you start to groom it, you might start thinking you should take it to the vet.

If you take it to the vet, you just might have yourself a new cat...

Are You Kidding?!

Mr F just told me that our neighbor called (the one with the 30K over our price house on the market).
It sold FOR CASH.
In less than 2 weeks.
Oh, and he did it For Sale By Owner to boot.

The good news? (if you can call it that)...
He's prepared to rent our house come August, and buy our lot to build on. That's not really the best answer but it will at least help should we still be holding the house then.

But more than that, I'm just wondering what the fuck is going on?

Two more people came to our house yesterday. At this point we have had some ridiculous number of showings in the past nearly 4 months... I mean really... 80?...100? Something like that.
EVERY single person leaves feedback that the house is great, in excellent condition, a 4 or 5 out of 5, and that they are "Somewhat" or "Maybe" interested. But nobody (except those jackasses) comes back with an offer. And with our neighbor's house selling so quickly, for so much, I'm not even sure it's a price issue.

I mean CASH?! No realtor fee?! Kill me now, please.

Since we aren't getting any negative feedback we just sit wondering what it will take to get an offer.

Bueller?

Bueller?

Update

A lot of stuff has happened:

#1 Took my car in for an oil change and found out I need IMMEDIATE $1200 repairs before I drove to MI.
So, in an effort not to kill my children, I had to postpone our drive a bit until I could get that taken care of. That money had to come out of our moving fund... so U-haul it is.

#2 Mr F did come down and scoop up the apples. Of course the trees have only shed about half, so problem solved on the short term apple front only. He also did some major basement packing, and took a load of kid stuff to Goodwill (shhh) for me. I managed to pack up all my desk stuff (paperwork, etc), all our clothes, and the kids' most important toys & art supplies. I've got the house as good and closed up as I can manage without actually moving out.

#3 We are slumming it tonight crazy Super 8 style. God. It's awful. Ever since putting my No Ho In Hotel Act (aka not staying at motels anymore do to hooker sightings and all around creepy nastiness) into action the girls and I have been living large on the road thanks to Priceline. Well... see #1... and the fact that I haven't had internet access. So here we are. I just told the girls they had to keep their underwear on! And don't sit on the floor! Or the blankets!

"So that chain lock means that if someone tried to get in our room they could only get in the length of the chain?" Kid asks.

"um... right."

And later after discovering dried blood on the pillow:

"So someone's head was bleeding in the night?" Kid asks.

"um... right."

I'm not sure the $40 saving was worth it. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's not.

So, yeah, we're headed up to Michigan. Mr F left this morning and I waited and cleaned the house and then, miracle of miracles, loaded the car and the kids up at 6 PM after the car was finished. Oh did I fail to mention after walking with the kids to get the car in the blazing heat?! Our house is so empty (no food, no TV, no toys) that keeping the kids there for one more night would have been more painful than just hitting the road and getting as far as I could. And I'm just done cleaning, and one more night would mean more touch up cleaning... and it's just not worth it!

Only six and a half hours to go!

And about 3 more Mc Donald's stops!

Let's hope there aren't any bedbugs.

The insect carcasses on the bathroom floor kind of make me think there are.

Hey Ho

We've got another showing this morning, so there's hope.... right? Right.

The house is spic and span.

I said to Mr F last night "It's no joke how clean this house is. People don't get it... it's as clean as humanly possible."

And it is.

I've got to take some pride in the only things I can control these days.

I haven't worked out in 3 weeks. It's always amazing to me how quickly you can lose your will to carry on when you've had a break like that. It's as if I NEVER did it. You know?

I'll get back on that when we go North and I have more time, or at least have more time that isn't constantly interrupted by crises (knock on wood).

I've never wanted to have an RV more than I do know. It feels like some sort of an answer. Too bad that isn't going to happen right now. I'd like to have a space of my own that I could obsessively organize with cute little cubbies and whatnot.

It's hard being here now. Our house feels less and less like home, and more and more like a place to sleep and eat strange concoctions of non perishables from our pantry.... and a job. A serious, exhausting, never ending job.

We kind of shuttle around from one chunk of time to another, in the house between showings, driving around to random errands or time killers during them, not fully living. Not really cooking, not really playing.... just treading water, watching whatever crappy DVDs we can get from the library (the kids), and cleaning the bathroom AGAIN (me). It's been ridiculously hot and humid and the mosquitos are out in full force... so the kids are stuck in that awful summer trap of not wanting to be out but being bored to tears (or fights) by staying in.

This part will end soon at least.

We're heading up to Michigan on Monday (we think). Still haven't heard from the fence guy... but I can't wait here forever. Maybe our realtor will step up and actually help me with something... like... meeting the fence guy and showing him where to move it?

Or, maybe, the showing today will end with an offer?

Pretty please?

Chin Up?

It's not.

I'm starting to really feel the pressure of 3+ months of separation, trying to sell a house in a down market without losing the kids college funds, and overall loneliness (for real peeps... it can be a bit much at times).

All in all, things are not going well for me. I need something to change soon.

I've got a good plan for the property/finance situation. We're moving the fence (as soon as the guy calls me back!!!). Then as of August 1st we're selling the lot, and refinancing the house (for less obviously, lower rates now too... bonus). That way I can pull out a majority of the equity we have locked up in the house & lot (unnecessarily at this point) and we will still have a lower mortgage on the house than we do now. I'll feel a whole lot better when we have real cash back in our hands and not trapped under this roof. Then we can move forward in Ann Arbor, put money down on the new house, and still reserve some to cover the carrying costs we'll have here until it sells. Again, hopefully it all sells before August 1st... but if not, I have a good solid plan.

I do have a lawn guy, and we came back from our trip, in part, to check and make sure he showed up and did what he said. He did.

On the tedium front, I've got the car inspected and renewed... also had to come back for that before the end of June. And on Friday I've got the car going to the shop for maintenance before we head out AGAIN. I've also got calls in to the fence guy (please call me back) and movers who are coming on Friday to give me some estimates (just in case). Then I'll feel like I can close up and head north until our house is in contract, and or we need to sell the lot and refinance, whichever comes first.

Assuming the fence guy can bump us up (please) we'll stay until the fence is moved. If that isn't going to happen in the next week then the girls and I will leave on Sunday or Monday and just trust the guy to do it right (we do-ish). Mr F is coming down to help me tie everything up and leave the house good for awhile (which involves a million small annoying tasks like replacing our porch flowers with drought tolerant ones, etc... the list is endless). I had to give him my old "Thundercats Ho!" call.... aka... crying into the phone completely overwhelmed by having to manage everything on my own. So plans were changed and he's coming down to help me load up and haul out the nasty rotting apples before we go (seriously... it's an overwhelming task), rather than having me drive up for Father's Day after pushing myself to the brink of my emotional/physical capabilities. It's just not worth the risk on that front, peeps.

Too Disappointed To Even Get Into It

Bad offer.
Not just low... obnoxiously low. 70% of asking price... which by the way is priced fairly and 30K less than our neighbors house which was just put on the market yesterday. We're looking at selling the lot since that seems to be the major hiccup... everyone wants the house and lot as one deal at house price. Sadly that ain't happenin' seeing as the lot is worth 60K and that's what we paid and that's what it's worth today. I'm looking at moving the fence to just enclose the house & it's parcel so the lot is clearly A SEPARATE LOT... not just a big bonus yard.
I'm crazy disappointed since these people came 3 freaking times and seemed serious... even their realtor apologized today for the bogus offer. Kind of wish I hadn't gone to Cost Plus World Market and window shopped for our new house yesterday. That just made it hurt more.
Oh and no word or movement on the Ann Arbor house either.
Oh and all the apple trees that line our property dropped their apples while I was gone and it smells you're swimming in a barrel of apple cider vinegar at our house now (not good).
Gah!

Who knows when I'll be back.

Kind of wish I hadn't shut off our internet & tv.

Seriously, what was I thinking?!!!!

Just A Quick Note

To say....

Tomorrow (Monday) at 1 PM (Eastern... so set your clocks accordingly)

We are having a, as of yet elusive, but highly coveted, SECOND SHOWING!!!

Send all your mojo this way. We need it.

I'll return the favor.

I promise.

(1-2 PM tomorrow!, people... don't forget... we need you and your magic powers)

On The Road Again

We're headed back to Asheville to tie up some loose ends (register my car, oil change, car inspection, etc.... forward mail, water plants, kill slugs, etc... pack up some valuables, toys, & paperwork... my step!!!!!).

We'll be there this week and then we'll head north to Michigan on Friday. We should be up there in time for Father's Day with Mr F. I'll have driven 3000 miles in two weeks. I am, by now, thoroughly qualified to write a book about how to travel alone with kids. Maybe someday I will.

P.S. Please, someone, buy our house. I'm ready for the madness to end.

Pirate Booty

Guess what our hotel is next to?
I spent a good hour hunting on the other side of ponds and sand traps.
I then spent a half hour lying on my stomach, at the 17th hole, trying to roll the balls in.
Unfortunately, my travel dress now has sap all over the front, and I look like I went a little crazy with a syrup dispenser.
Thankfully the good people at the McDonalds drive thru don't seem to be so judgey-judgey on the appearance front.

Excursion

The other day we drove up the road a bit to see (and hear) the Ringing Rocks.

It's this huge field of boulders, which is somewhat awe inspiring in and of itself.

But the crazy thing is that they ring in different tones when you strike them like bells, or dinner plates, or something else of that sort.
You can see the light colored hollows where many a hammer have gone before us.

We came armed with hammers and wrenches. (FYI hammers work best)

Right before we left, I realized that the pictures would be meaningless without an audio to go with it:
Sadly not the best ring to capture but you get the gist.

Happy Birthday To Me

No wishes necessary.

I already got to pick a deer tick off of Baby's ass... and that was all the excitement I needed to feel fulfilled.

It's good to be here. My Dad is a very kind and loving grandfather. We've been swimming and hot tubbing and... apparently... ticking. I hope to post pictures of their amazing house (converted 1700s barn) and crazy bamboo forest (over 150 varieties) and exotic gardens and koi ponds and whatnot. A botanist used to own this house and it has a mysterious secret garden sort of feel. It's also psychotically dangerous as the entire property is steeper than a 45 degree angle and practically vertical with stone steps to climb and crack your head open on. Barn stairs are highly polished wood and only 5 inches deep and almost completely vertical. It's a horrific death trap. The kids love it. Baby is a *do- it-yourself-er* and so my dad, his wife, and I are pretty much on verge of cardiac arrest at all times.

That's all.

I don't have to clean or cook.

What more could I want?

Low Standards

"Ooh Mom! They have a mirror!" Kid yells enthusiastically upon entering our hotel room.

"Yes!" I call back sarcastically, lugging our bags and pillows through the hall like an overwhelmed octopus.

Berry Berry Scawy

Tomorrow all my connections to the outside world are shutting down.

We're hitting the road to Philly to hang out with my Dad and visit with my grandmother.

The plan is to take a break for a week (If you count the fact that I have four long days of driving "a break")

Then come back and pack some stuff. Mow. Then leave.... for.... ?! Who knows?

I have lined up a bi-weekly lawn job ($35.... deal!)

And I have just disconnected our phone, tv, and.... gasp... internet for tomorrow.

And I've packed enough clothes to last for a month.

So...

Maybe we'll come back and maybe we won't.

Only time.... and a tenuous internet connection... will tell.

For Real

"Hey Mom, Do you wish the statue helped sell our house AND kept it from falling apart?" Kid asks.

"Yep."

So Someone Explain To Me...

How I got peed on in the night AND DIDN'T NOTICE?!

Sure I was taking a shower in my dream...

But, you'd think lying in a pool of cold piss would wake a person up.

It wasn't until Baby said something that I woke up to answer her.... and even then.... I didn't notice the bed was sopping wet.

It wasn't until I put my hand down to roll toward her that I realized there was a huge puddle of pee soaking into my mattress.

So I hurriedly stripped the bed.

Phew, it hadn't penetrated the egg crate...so... the mattress has been saved!

And I run it all into the laundry room.

I get the load started.

Then I look down and realized my shirt is completely soaked with pee.

WTF?

How did I not feel that?

So I take it off and stop the machine.

But, of course, the stupid thing won't let me unlock the door.

I walk to the bathroom and find an old shirt.

Put it on.

Wash out my night shirt.

Then I realize...

My underwear is soaked.

My entire side is wet and sticky with pee.

I couldn't believe it.... I started to wonder...

IF I PEED?!

No, Thank God.

But still.

I wasn't even drinking last night.

Got Scissors?

I happen to have a pile of old basic long sleeved shirts I got at Target when I was nursing Baby. Read: they are ridonkulously shapeless on me now, so they just sit in my dresser.

Take basic long sleeved shirt:

Cut off the bottom hem.

Cut up the middle of front of shirt.

Just eye ball it! It is jersey it will roll! No problem!

Cut sleeves to desired length so they will roll too. (And so it looks intentional and not like you just cut up a shirt.)

My shirt had a crew neck collar. I just trimmed off the ribbed fabric but left the stitching around the neck opening.
You could cut it off. It doesn't matter!

Okay!


Put on the cheap outfit you bought at Target because it was 90 out and you don't have any tank tops or shorts that fit. Elastic waists are in! yay!

Then throw on your new cardigan so you don't feel so trashy at the grocery store!

If you are the kind of person who can pull off the tied up look you can do that too:

Of course I am not that kind of person, so I do beg your forgiveness for exposing you to that.

Alright, have at it.

White shirt... I'm coming for you.

Gah

I'm hitting one of my walls.
Could be all the end of the school year crap.
Or the waiting all day for the air conditioner repair man.
Or the check I wrote him.
Or the slight sadness at selling off all the kids outside play stuff.
Or the more than slight annoyance at waiting all day for people to come pick it all up that then didn't show.
But do now have my address.
And will come murder me tonight.
Or it could be the fact that all I've eaten today is cereal, hot tamales, & chex mix.
And coffee.
It might be 85% that.

I Don't Know How I Managed To Pull This Off Either

This is the last week of school, folks! And with that also comes the subtle pressure to say farewell with some sort of meaning.
And by meaning I mean cold hard cash (as requested... yes... people... as requested) and thoughtful homemade gifts (because that's what is right).
What else?

For Kid's teacher, whom I've never learned to like, I made a small little jewelry case. It is padded with felt between two layers of the print fabric. The inside has three elasticized flannel pockets to hold a few pieces, and it ties shut with the ribbon. Honor me people, because this was a lot of work for someone I don't actually like! I bought a pair of earrings at Cost Plus World Market for $5 and Kid put them in the pockets.

And, yes, Kid's misspelling of her name makes the gift for me. I just read that as "To Belch" and start laughing my ass off.

For her assistant teacher, a kindly, loving, grandmotherly storyteller, Kid made a pillow. She drew Ruth telling a story with Kid imagining it. Kid loves Ruth and I'm thinking this might make Ruth cry.


At Kid's school there is only one class per grade, so they have been together for the past two years. Kid worked on assembling friendship gifts to give her friends as goodbye presents. This year she and her class are The Dolphins so we ordered a set of sea animal Silly Bandz and tied them onto little cards.

Step One

Pray for us, people.
We haven't *self moved* in... oh... 15 or so years.
Let's hope Mr F and I are still married by the end of the day.
Seriously.
Seriously.

If this mini-move goes well we will be attempting Step Two sometime this summer.
Step two will involve a 26 foot U-haul truck.
Driven by the bald guy.
Yowza.
Try not to think about it.
Oh, and, stay off the roads.

Good Morning To You Too

This morning I stumbled out of bed in my underwear racing to get the phone.

Kid trailed behind me.

"Only one layer to hair!" She cries out enthusiastically.

"What?" I reply confused.

"Only one layer to hair!" She repeats staring right at my underwear.

"Oh... GOD." I say cringing.

Kid cackles.

I cry inside.