Life Coach

So tonight I was pretty tired and just plain old emotionally exhausted. I was lying on the couch refusing to get up and put the kids to bed and letting them watch organizational and cooking shows with me while a lay like a lump.

After a while I said to Kid "Don't you think if you are mad, you should be allowed to be mad, and if you are sad, you should be allowed to be sad?" "YES!" she responded emphatically, which made me smile and give a little silent cheer... at least I'm raising them right.

A little bit later she got off the couch and went to her desk and came back with a sheet of paper and a crazy princess pen.

"What are your problems?" She asked.
Where to begin?!! I tried to think of things that wouldn't be too traumatizing...
"I don't exercise enough, I've been eating too much unhealthy food..." I started.
"What else?" She said sagely
"I'm worried about whether I'll get everything done before Christmas."
"What else?"
"I don't read enough books" I replied trying to fish for more neutral issues.
"How is that a problem?" Kid responded some what baffled.
"Well... I spend too much time online and then I don't have time to read." I explained.
"Anything else?" She asked.
"Nope that's it."

She was quiet for awhile and then stopped writing stood up and said (verbatim):
"Workout more, eat more healthy foods such as: broccoli, green beans, and salmon. At dessert eat only a little unless you are particularly starving." She stated. Then she paused and said "I have one more recommendation: go online less, which means, stay away from your desk... unless... you need a stamp for a letter."

God, she's good. I should know, too, I've had a lot of therapists in my time.
If you need a session let me know... she'll probably be booking up pretty fast.

Federal Offense

A week or so ago I lovingly packed up a box of maternity clothes and shipped them off to Heather. I had a few things that I thought she could use, and since I'm not having any more children (ever!), I was happy to send them on to greener pastures.

Well today Heather got that package and sent me a "Thank You" email that went like this...
"what is this terrifying pink thing in here? It's horrid!
Thanks for the clothes!!!! You're the best!"

Now when I received that I was like "hmmm... what pink thing? The nightgown?... I wouldn't say it was horrid..."

Then Heather clarified with this...
"No it's some terrible plastic/rubber vagina? "

And I'm thinking "wtf?!.... what kind of weird Kid toy could be in there?... what looks like a vagina?!... part of Mr Potato Head?!" and I was actually feeling somewhat guilty that Heather was going to have to pay to ship back whatever toy got in there.

Well.... it wasn't a toy....

I have to say I feel strangely violated. I'm not sure how to even process this....


Here I am after talking with the USPS representative:

Thankfully Heather was taken a little more seriously.