So I'm down in the dumps. I haven't worked out for 3 days. This is a problem since it not only means I am letting myself down but that I am further from reaching my fitness goals and possibly going to have a harder time with this than I thought. I'm not actually worried about gaining weight. Outside of a few pounds plus or minus, not accounting for pregnancy gain, I have not been someone with a hugely fluctuating weight. And I have the eating down. I rarely go over my calories and calorie counting is something I could easily do for the rest of my life. Seriously. I know this drives many of you crazy but it doesn't bother me, and knowing that I can eat whatever I want and not have to have that sabotagey diet mentality of "off limit" foods is great. But here is the deal. I REALLY REALLY want to be a fit person. And for me, being the extremist personality that I am, that means really fit... athlete fit... fittest possible version of myself.
This seems doable and reasonable when I'm in an upswing... when all the factors in the goddamn universe collide to make for a perfect evening... I still have energy (un-fucking-likely), Mr F is home on time, dinner is light so I can get right on the treadmill without crippling stomach pains, something engrossing is on Tivo, the Baby times her naps perfectly so that she can stay up until I am done. As you can imagine A LOT of things can mess this up... and then I am put in the position where just a little bit of sabotaging can go a long way and before you know it I decide that taking a bath is perfectly reasonable!
And of course it is perfectly reasonable.. I mean I almost never do anything for myself or by myself in a 24 hour period. Sleep...not by myself, nursing Baby all mother fucking night long. Shower... door open kids asking incessant questions "what? WHAT? I can't hear you the water is running!... My Little Ponies? What?! In a minute! I'll do it in a minute!". Insert cooking, dressing, cleaning, driving, shopping and you pretty much get an accurate picture. Oh all that and I'm lazy and a whiner and a sabotager.
So if I take one day... I mean one measly day off... I can't get back into the working out. This is so frustrating and really makes me mad at myself. If I had a way to work exercise in to my day that would be great but really I don't and the end of the day is the only time I can do it... and by then it is very easy for things to have conspired against me.... or just for my brain to have conspired against me. Last night, for example, I really needed to work out. I took Wednesday off since I took the baby to a Mommy & Me class after dinner, and that is important, and it means I won't be able to exercise... fine that really needs to be my only weekday off and I know that. Well Thursday I had the great shopping expedition and after being at the mall for 4 hours I was exhausted and through a communication snafu, Mr F didn't get my messages, we all got home late and had dinner late and then I just didn't have the energy for exercising. Okay... but I only have 2 days off to take and I just took them back to back! Well lets just throw in the towel now.. because if I allow myself more than 1 day off in a row I just can't bring myself to get back on the treadmill... it is a quickly escalating downward spiral. Friday... I have no excuse.. even worse I spent a full 2 hours battling it out in my head (which required so much more energy than the workout itself!) back and forth.. "you're tired".. "you are just sabotaging.. sure you're tired but you'll feel so much better once you start".. "yeah that's true but you had a long week... it is possible that you could push out 3 workouts on the weekend".. "lies all lies.. you'll never do that and then you'll hate yourself again" .. "what does it matter I need a tummy tuck... boo hoo hoo" .."how do you know.. remember that guy on Biggest Loser his stomach looked fine, get on the treadmill".. "take a bath you deserve a bath!"
Well I took the damn bath even though I knew what I was doing to myself and I still couldn't stop it. You see if I workout I feel good (triumphant even), in control, positive (and the endorphins don't hurt) and when I don't I feel crabby and lazy and bad about myself (and the goddamn dressing room mirrors didn't help). And so as odd as it is... if I'm having a bad day I'm unlikely to workout even though that is when it would be most beneficial.. when I could feel so proud of myself for rising to the challenge and then.. then... change things around and get things back on track. But when I feel badly about myself... what do I want to do?... make myself feel worse by living up to all my negative self talk.
Maybe I'll go workout now... Got to stop the madness...
Good Triumphs Over Evil
I sucked it up... I pumped out a 70 minute treadmill workout!
And as soon as I put my workout clothes on (you know them all too well) I morphed into a giant ass willing to post my Muscle Man impersonation photos for all the world to see. Enjoy!