Saturday, October 13, 2007

The Cycle Repeats Itself

So I'm down in the dumps. I haven't worked out for 3 days. This is a problem since it not only means I am letting myself down but that I am further from reaching my fitness goals and possibly going to have a harder time with this than I thought. I'm not actually worried about gaining weight. Outside of a few pounds plus or minus, not accounting for pregnancy gain, I have not been someone with a hugely fluctuating weight. And I have the eating down. I rarely go over my calories and calorie counting is something I could easily do for the rest of my life. Seriously. I know this drives many of you crazy but it doesn't bother me, and knowing that I can eat whatever I want and not have to have that sabotagey diet mentality of "off limit" foods is great. But here is the deal. I REALLY REALLY want to be a fit person. And for me, being the extremist personality that I am, that means really fit... athlete fit... fittest possible version of myself.

This seems doable and reasonable when I'm in an upswing... when all the factors in the goddamn universe collide to make for a perfect evening... I still have energy (un-fucking-likely), Mr F is home on time, dinner is light so I can get right on the treadmill without crippling stomach pains, something engrossing is on Tivo, the Baby times her naps perfectly so that she can stay up until I am done. As you can imagine A LOT of things can mess this up... and then I am put in the position where just a little bit of sabotaging can go a long way and before you know it I decide that taking a bath is perfectly reasonable!
And of course it is perfectly reasonable.. I mean I almost never do anything for myself or by myself in a 24 hour period. Sleep...not by myself, nursing Baby all mother fucking night long. Shower... door open kids asking incessant questions "what? WHAT? I can't hear you the water is running!... My Little Ponies? What?! In a minute! I'll do it in a minute!". Insert cooking, dressing, cleaning, driving, shopping and you pretty much get an accurate picture. Oh all that and I'm lazy and a whiner and a sabotager.

So if I take one day... I mean one measly day off... I can't get back into the working out. This is so frustrating and really makes me mad at myself. If I had a way to work exercise in to my day that would be great but really I don't and the end of the day is the only time I can do it... and by then it is very easy for things to have conspired against me.... or just for my brain to have conspired against me. Last night, for example, I really needed to work out. I took Wednesday off since I took the baby to a Mommy & Me class after dinner, and that is important, and it means I won't be able to exercise... fine that really needs to be my only weekday off and I know that. Well Thursday I had the great shopping expedition and after being at the mall for 4 hours I was exhausted and through a communication snafu, Mr F didn't get my messages, we all got home late and had dinner late and then I just didn't have the energy for exercising. Okay... but I only have 2 days off to take and I just took them back to back! Well lets just throw in the towel now.. because if I allow myself more than 1 day off in a row I just can't bring myself to get back on the treadmill... it is a quickly escalating downward spiral. Friday... I have no excuse.. even worse I spent a full 2 hours battling it out in my head (which required so much more energy than the workout itself!) back and forth.. "you're tired".. "you are just sabotaging.. sure you're tired but you'll feel so much better once you start".. "yeah that's true but you had a long week... it is possible that you could push out 3 workouts on the weekend".. "lies all lies.. you'll never do that and then you'll hate yourself again" .. "what does it matter I need a tummy tuck... boo hoo hoo" .."how do you know.. remember that guy on Biggest Loser his stomach looked fine, get on the treadmill".. "take a bath you deserve a bath!"

Well I took the damn bath even though I knew what I was doing to myself and I still couldn't stop it. You see if I workout I feel good (triumphant even), in control, positive (and the endorphins don't hurt) and when I don't I feel crabby and lazy and bad about myself (and the goddamn dressing room mirrors didn't help). And so as odd as it is... if I'm having a bad day I'm unlikely to workout even though that is when it would be most beneficial.. when I could feel so proud of myself for rising to the challenge and then.. then... change things around and get things back on track. But when I feel badly about myself... what do I want to do?... make myself feel worse by living up to all my negative self talk.

Maybe I'll go workout now... Got to stop the madness...


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UPDATE
Good Triumphs Over Evil

I sucked it up... I pumped out a 70 minute treadmill workout!

And as soon as I put my workout clothes on (you know them all too well) I morphed into a giant ass willing to post my Muscle Man impersonation photos for all the world to see. Enjoy!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Alright...went to bed at 10 last night after a high fat pad thai at the chinese/yes we also make thai restaurant where I convinced them to make me chicken pad thai without any sauce. Delicious and filled with oil...delicious only to lead to a stomach ache and me wondering if I am sabatoging the gf diet as I've been eating out all the time and trusting that people are listening to me about the celiac. Woke up at 730 and yes it is Saturday and no, I don't like to sleep in on the weekends anymore. I like to go to bed and wake up early. Was planning to go to they gym as I only go once a week when I know that the trainer is waiting for me at 6 in the morning. pitch black outside. And after every workout, I vow to have a new life of fitness where I will also be in the best shape of my life and become an olympic athlete. But every single week, I do not go any additional times. This morning was going to be the exception. But no, I ate two waffles, a rice cake, some hot chocolate, watched the dvr of the top chef reunion, watch E! entertainment news while reading magazines, took a shower (now I can't go to the gym because I'm clean and can't get sweaty once I'm clean...my insane logic) and just stuffed my fat stomach into some old size 6 Banana Republic jeans where the muffin top has forced me to change sweaters 8 times just so no one will see the poofy delight that is my stomach. And this week I wore my new size 8 gap pants every single day and I think that after I wash them, they may be too tight too. I guess what I'm trying to say is oh how I understand your pain. You know I do soul sister.

Mrs. Furious said...

the muffin top has forced me to change sweaters 8 times just so no one will see the poofy delight that is my stomach

lol... I now this procedure all too well!

And as you know we were separated at birth..

we will be olympic athletes, we will!

katieo said...

Oy. I can so relate.
(and I seriously laughed my butt off at the shower conversation...that EXACT dialogue happens at our house every. single. day. But with superman and spiderman, not My Little Ponies :)

I exercised at night after child #2. I look back and don't know how the heck I did it. I think maybe because I had a gym buddy. I don't know what changed with #3 but I just started doing it in the morning, mostly because the baby's last feeding was between 5 and 6 and then I'd just stay awake, knowing he'd be asleep for at LEAST the next hour, and go to the gym while Aaron was still asleep. If I don't get it in the morning, I have little hope of getting it done at all. It's just too crazy around here, I don't have enough of me to go around as it is. This is however, the first time in my LIFE I've been an a.m. exerciser. I think because like you said, less things need to "align" for me to go.
(Plus I like not having all day to battle it out with myself whether I do it or not. Like when we'd take a n emergency trip to urgent care, or the I've found the baby swimming in the toilet, or pieces of bologna stuck to the wall, etc. You know, all those *moments* of stay-at-home-mom loveliness. The more I had in any given day, the more likely I was to forego the workout.) Morning works better for me now cause it's DONE. Plus I'm on an interval training kick, which really works for me right now and only takes 25 minutes. But, I know not everyone has the luxury to choose when they workout!

LOVE LOVE LOVE the pictures though! Way to suck it up! It's so funny how we are often so loathe to working out and yet feel so fantastic as soon as we're done, lol! (and Kid Furious = so adorable)

Mrs. Furious said...

Ohhh I love the big long comments!

Katieo,
yes I think the a.m. is clearly better for this very reason. maybe I'm being difficult and set in my ways... I am a procrastinator by nature and so may be I just feel it is impossible to figure out a different way. It is definitely possible for me to do mornings on the weekend (I did today) and possibly more likely than at night on these nights in particular. Weekdays... ugghh... it stresses me out even to think about it! My kiddos are on very different sleep schedules so the baby gets up first in the house and I just can't get up earlier since Kid goes to bed pretty late. But that is my mission, either that or coming into millions and hiring a sitter so I can exercise! Because you are 100% right that I am never going to get past all the distractions that come up in the day. never.

Mrs. Furious said...

Oh and thanks for the Kid compliment :)

Chris Howard said...

yes I think the a.m. is clearly better for this very reason. maybe I'm being difficult and set in my ways

After years of trying to find the right time to work out, I finally settled on the morning which I've been doing now for nearly 3 years. Morning works for me because I can go after dropping the kids at school and before going to work. Fortunately, I can get to work at 9:30.

So anyway, My gym is $31/month and has onsite daycare up to 2 hours included (not sure if they take infants, though). I was just wondering if something like that would work for you?

You sound a lot like me - feel great after your exercise, but don't feel like doing it a lot of the time. When I used to exercise at night or at lunch, I had a much harder time of it, because things always come up.

Mrs. Furious said...

I was just wondering if something like that would work for you?

Yes. probably. I'm just being frugal.

Mr F's work (a college) has a brand new fitness center I think it is $45/month, which is cheap around here, and I know they have childcare (extra). But in the past I have not been a good gym member.. any steps between me and the workout are a problem, and driving, locker rooms, etc are a lot more steps! Right now the baby is at the terrible stranger anxiety age... but I think if I haven't found a way to workout at home more consistently that I'll consider joining. So when I'm still bitching and moaning about this in two months remind me that I said that! ;)
Hey maybe I'll even catch some New Year's discount or something!

Israel said...

i hate when this happens to me. its so hard to get out of it. but when i do i feel great.

Mrs. Furious said...

Israel,

I feel ya! It is confounding how easy it is to fall off th wagon!

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