Saturday, January 30, 2010

This Time We Were Prepared

Which means that this time I headed out to the grocery store and stocked up on completely unnecessary ready to eat junk foods. You know... just in case... we lost power and heat and we didn't have any Rosemary and Olive Oil Triscuits to see us through it. I don't know what came over me. Some kind of mindmeld from all the other paranoia filled Southerners crowding the aisles and cramming their carts with ridiculous amounts of non-perishables. I left there with nothing but MSG laden snack food and managed to blow an entire week's grocery budget on it.

Friday, January 29, 2010

What A Difference A Day Makes

Everything I wrote yesterday is true.

But for every truth there is another truth that I didn't write.

This decision was not easy. Nor was it black and white. Every side has risks... real... serious... risks.

Today I don't feel calm and assured.

Today I feel duped into martyrdom.

Today I feel like an animal headed for slaughter.

Eyes crazy.

Bucking against the tethers.




Have I banked too much on Mr F's happiness and personal fulfillment and not enough on my own?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Sit Down

(especially you Mom)

I don't even know how to fully explain everything that has happened, our thought process, and ultimately our decision... or even considering some of my readership if I should. Not all of it makes sense or is what I would have predicted we would do even a week ago. But having made our decision both Mr F and I feel that it was the RIGHT decision.

Two weeks ago Mr F was offered (finally) the job back in Ann Arbor.



In my heart of hearts I have long felt that this job would not be as personally fulfilling to Mr F, even if it was more acclaimed (it is), paid better (it doesn't...corporate cuts abound wherever we go it seems), and allowed for us to have a better social support system.

This job has a set subject matter... that will never change... and on some level there would be, over the course of a career, a certain level of redundancy for him.

This job would not be a better fit for him. Yes it would offer more long term financial benefits, more recognition and acclaim, but I don't believe it will offer him the same creative stimulation (long term... and moving there for this would be a FINAL move and a long term commitment).

Mr F would give that up for me. But, you know, as much as I don't like living in Asheville and don't see us here long term... Mr F gave that up to move to Michigan for me once before. AND WE WEREN'T HAPPIER.

Mr F and I aren't the same. I get creative and personal fulfillment from a lot of places in my life. I have about 100 careers I could enjoy doing. Mr F has a more specified interest. He is really gifted at and focused on and fulfilled by his job . Even if he's had pay cut after pay cut he is still happier here than he was in Michigan because his current job offers him diverse material, a fast pace, and creative control.

And that matters to me. Not in some altruistic fashion... but because living with someone who has no outlet for their passion makes them angry, resentful, and miserable. Not that he was a total asshole (on purpose) but we suffered for it more than he was aware of. And his constant bottling up of those feelings led to CONSTANT passive aggressive acting out... that I DID NOT ENJOY living with. And the reality is that's not fun for me. That is not something I want to go back to. I don't think that is a fair trade.

So at the end of the day I'm less unhappy here (now... there has been an adjustment) than I think he was there.

That does not mean we're here forever. The situation has not improved for us financially and most likely won't anytime soon. Things are hard and money is tight. But I think we need to be very careful not to throw ourselves out of the pot and into the fire. It's easy when you feel you aren't getting the proper compensation for your labor (he's not) to want to take the first thing that comes along. Especially when it's an easy choice... going someplace we know... not starting over (believe me that would be EASIEST). What it means is taking this one day at a time and being sure that a new situation meets ALL of our needs and not get caught up in a fantasy.

And just making that decision. Choosing to stay here, in this job, made it all seem more bearable. Before we had felt so beaten down by everything that has been done to us that it was hard to think of anything else. Now we can both look at this as a choice that we're making.

So thanks to the other job for the offer without it we wouldn't have had the opportunity to chose to stay. Before we were just stuck.

And Another One

Kid is throwing up.


Serious updates to come.

For real. We've made a decision. And it's shocking.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

And Another One

I'm down for the count.
I haven't been this sick with a cold/flu type illness since we've moved here.
Thankfully I don't have to watch any kids today (except Baby who is hobbled by her own sickness).
Tomorrow, though, I have a full house... including maniacal two year old and loudest baby in the world.
I'm praying for a miracle cure to take place in the next 19 hours.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Another One Bites The Dust

I was up ALL night with this one...

And when I say ALL night I really mean it. I'm not one of those people that means I was up once or twice. Literally no sleep was had. Which just meant I was able to pin point the exact moment (3:23 AM) that my throat started to close up and feel like I had just swallowed fire in a Polynesian pre-dinner performance.

Other things in my life are starting to eat me alive from the inside out (not having any sleep is not helping in this department). I wish I could be more forthcoming because the details are fairly dramatic and our thought process in navigating all of this would be of some interest.

Things have just gotten more complex and we need to choose for ourselves.

I keep being pointed to "Choose Happiness". Everywhere I go this phrase keeps popping up. And you know sometimes I like to get all metaphysical on your ass.

Things we know:

#1 We can live on a lot less money than we would ever have thought possible.

#2 Mr F is happiest when he is creatively stimulated at work.

#3 Mr F is even happier when his badassness is validated at work.

#4 I want to kill Mr F less when he is happier.

#5 Mr F helps me more when he feels sorry for me.

Things we don't know:

#1 What our exact financial threshold is that allows us to crossover from stressed to comfortable.

#2 If financial stress is worth it if other stress is decreased.

#3 What to do.

Monday, January 25, 2010

False Alarm

Thank God.

I don't know what to make of that since I've been more stressed over the past couple years than this month. But there you have it. Not pregs.

Hopefully I'll lose 5 pounds today ;)

Twilight Zone

We just dropped into a bottomless pit of complete confusion. Every door out looks the same and not a single one of them has any guarantees.

#1 I have EVERY SINGLE symptom of pregnancy (yes every single one)... except Mr F is sterile and I don't have a lover. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!!! It turns out vasectomies can naturally reverse themselves (believe it). I've taken two pregnancy tests and they were both negative. I mean seriously? I need this right now like I need a kick in the head.

#2 The job situation just got a lot more complicated. I cannot get into it here, or now. It's basically up to us to decide what we want and what that is worth and what kind of risks and sacrifices we're willing to make. It's not simple. Whatever we do is a gamble at this point. Why is this happening this way? It's really a tough situation for us to pick through and we have to either jump or not and deal with the consequences of either decision. Make sense? No? It doesn't to us either.

So, long story short, I've been a bit preoccupied going to the bathroom 50 times a day for the last 8 days, checking to see if I've gotten my period, to write a menu plan.
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