Saturday, January 16, 2010

Moot Point

For the last 7 and a half years I have been wearing the same worn out nursing night gown. Because it is the most comfortable knit in the world... and because 7 years ago it kind of resembled a sexy black spaghetti strap dress (for real). Now it does not. I mean it is pretty much horrendous. The cross over nursing aspect is loose and falling off (I'm no longer 38F) and there is a very high chance of a very non sexy peek-a-boo boob sighting... just ask the mailman. The fabric was technically hand washable but I gave that part up 6 years ago and the machine washing has stretched out the elastic and pilled the straps.

So I've had my sights set on getting a new nightgown. One that was equally soft but maybe less risque and a lot less disgusting. It is not easy to find a nightgown that isn't made for either a retiree or for having sex. Well unless you want to fork over 100 bucks. And I don't.

Yesterday I happened upon this basic knee length Ralph Lauren knit gown at the Dillard's outlet for $8. EIGHT BUCKS PEOPLE. Seriously soft. Practically seamless. Tagless. And no huge slits for my boobs to slip out of. Non refundable.

I put it on and walked into the kitchen.

"Sweet Jesus! That is ridiculous!!" Mr F cries out.

No not because it is slightly old lady-ish.

Because the fabric, it turns out, is COMPLETELY SHEER.

So much for the less risque part.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Inspiration: Myself

Me two years ago (exactly):

Me last week:
Hmm... the holidays were not good to me.

Difference? 8 pounds and 8% body fat... a whole lot of baked goods... and a major physical injury.

The good news is obviously I know it is possible.... because, well, that's me. The bad news is I have to actually change my behavior. I still looked like that top picture pretty much right up until I broke myself last year. In fact one reason I was injured so badly was because I had no fat pad on my tailbone. Even after the broken butt I was able to keep my weight in range but then, of course, the slippery slope of recovery took over. I was unable to exercise for nearly 6 months. As my muscle mass decreased my body fat increased and I have just never been motivated to work hard enough to get it back.

I actually blocked out how much I have changed.

Until now.

Now I'm ready and I want it back. It is not as easy this time because I'm not nursing a newborn and skating on postpartum hormones. I don't have the same kind of time to devote to exercise. And, regrettably, my body wants to hold on to this fat something fierce.

But I'm going to do it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


Yesterday I went on Facebook (which is a great rarity, I keep a profile up but I do not participate or update and maybe check my messages about once a month). My brother had tagged me in a photo and I went on to comment at my dismay at looking 3 months pregnant in it.

While I was there I noticed that my life long best friend had un-friended me.

My first response was one of disbelief but I also found it humorous and incredibly immature. It felt very middle of 3rd grade not middle of our 30s. The very notion of wanting to be or not wanting to be my friend is nearly three decades in the past... we're not friends, it's more than that.

She's had no communication with me since I told her we could not afford to attend her wedding. That was in June... and it was THE TRUTH. I've been respectful of her need for space and her feelings. I understand that she was disappointed and have been waiting for her to let me back into her life. Patiently.

Wasn't that enough? Really. Isn't just ignoring me enough? I think it is interesting and, yes, disappointing, that she needed to rub my nose in it.

Because if I'm really dead-to-her why not just continue to avoid all contact. Why reach out in a strange, purposeful, passive aggressive manner? What is my appropriate response to that? To feel punished? Ashamed? Unworthy?

Message received: I'm not good enough.

The impulse is to retaliate... or to defend myself... but that just justifies it... the notion that I did something wrong when I placed my family's well being over her wishes.

I don't know what kind of friend asks you to do that anyway.

I certainly don't know what kind of friend requires it.

So today it's not so funny. Today I'm pissed.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Gee I Wonder Why That Didn't Work

The other day Baby ran through the room and left a piece of herself behind.

Her stench.

"Go tell her I need to change her diaper." I ask Kid.

Kid runs off after her.

Kid runs back.

"She won't come." Kid says.

"Tell her she'll get a rash if she doesn't get her diaper changed." I tell her.

Kid runs off.

Kid runs back.

"She won't come. I even said this, because Dad said it and it worked...

'Mom said you need to get diaper creme on or she'll cut your head off.'

But it didn't work. She's not coming." Kid recounts.

Monday, January 11, 2010

This Week The Plan

I'm exhausted today.  I'm now forced to kick ass all day Sunday to get everything ready in order to make it through the week.  I mean yesterday I went grocery shopping at two stores, did several loads of laundry, cut Kid's hair, made meals, etc, and  I feel like I have no downtime to recoup from what has become a pretty exhausting life. (Plus I watched Medium, and then Mr F was talking about The Mothman Prophesies in bed, and then the neighborhood dogs starting going ape-shit, plus I had read that Asheville has 2x the crime of the national average before bed.... so I did not sleep well) This week the baby that was a no show last week is coming EVERYDAY that the other baby is here.  My stress level (which last week was non existent) went through the roof when I found out.  This is the prime example of me making passive choices that don't make me happy... or don't contribute to my families ultimate happiness.  One baby is doable... adds important income... and doesn't take away from my ability to meet Baby's needs. Two babies changes the dynamic considerably.  I need to put all my energy into the babies, and for the pay, the deficits... the energy drain, the diversion of energy from Baby... are just not worth it.  So I need to work toward being able to do something to change this... ie actually be upfront with people.

Sunday - Salmon Noodle Casserole w/peas, sauteed mushrooms, salad

Monday - Hot dogs, homemade french fries, apple slices

Tuesday -   Beef Stroganoff w/ egg noodles, broccoli 

Thursday - Honey Mustard Glazed Salmon, rice pilaf, zucchini beans & pepper saute

Friday - Pizza

Saturday - Cilantro Chicken Enchiladas (Cook's Country 30 minute)

Diet & Exercise:
Last week I started food journalling again.  I went all the way and measured and weighed everything.  I had burnt out by the weekend after a disappointing weigh-in (sound familiar anyone?).  So I gave myself the weekend to be disgruntled that my week's efforts didn't make me magically drop 10 pounds in five days.  I'm over it.  I'm back on board.  
Last week I did several different exercise dvds and TV shows since our treadmill is in the garage and with the frigid temps I just couldn't bear to put my snowpants on in order to get my workout in.  I also wanted to try something different and see how it went.  If things change around here I will need to focus on workouts I can do on the main floor of our house where I can still be present for the kids.  Anyone have the Wii Fit and actually use it?  We don't have a Wii and it would be a pretty big financial expenditure for us to get one but if people use it and feel that they are getting a good (hardcore even) workout from it please let me know.  If Mr F moves I might want to get one so I can keep a consistent exercise program going upstairs... the treadmill will be retired until we move (and then hopefully can move it INDOORS).  Oh plus I've decided to go for 15% body fat.... which is not a thinness thing but a optimum humanness thing... and maybe just a straight up motivational challenge... we'll see.  More on that later. First I have to finish these Candy Cane Hershey's Kisses... 

That's it.  No news yet.  

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Strengths And Weaknesses

"This is when I'm at my best."  Mrs F says meticulously wrapping ornaments.

"What the packing?"  Mr F asks.

"Yes!  I have amazing spacial relations."  Mrs continues.

"You're at your best organizationally... and... at your worst interpersonally."  Mr F clarifies.

True enough.

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