In Law Update... aka... Where Things Stand

Maybe I'm Being Overly Sentimental

Sometimes when Kid stumbles out of bed in the morning her natural beauty takes my breath away. How did I create this beautiful creature? All golden locks, big blue eyes, and rose red lips.

Deductions

"You know why my underwear is not on my butt... or in my pants... but is in the laundry room?" Kid asks

Hmm... let me guess...

"Cause you peed in it a little bit?" Mrs F states fairly confidently having just watched as Kid took the time to locate the remote and pause her show before running a full speed to the bathroom.

"There were some drops of pee in it." Kid confirms and then jogs her naked ass cheeks back to the TV.

Furious Face Time

Mission Accomplished... Part 1

Some of you may remember the fateful day when I clicked on a link for my free copy of The Book Of Mormon. Why did I do that you might ask? Well... not because I'm interested in converting, just because I'm interested in learning. When I saw the link my first thought was "Hey why the hell not?"... then the next page loaded and it said "Missionaries will be contacting you soon" and I thought "Oh shit". It's not that I have anything against the missionaries it's just that I have a certain ailment when it comes to talking to people I don't know.... an inability to say "no" or to offend them in any way.

So I was already getting pretty anxious about the potential for them to drop in at any moment... I like to be prepared, have my house clean, have baked goods at the ready before people stop in. It's how I calm my social anxiety that overshadows any type of "new" social situation. And believe you me talking to people whose actual mission is to try and convert me to their religion is a "new" social situation. So when they didn't call right away, I hate to say it, but I was not disappointed... I was hugely relieved. On the one hand I knew I'd be missing out on some highly bloggable moments... on the other hand I really couldn't stomach having to look at the poor missionaries and try to explain that while I am interested in Mormonism... I'm not interested in becoming Mormon. You know I kind of envisioned it to be like having to tell someone who asks you out that "while I do like you... I don't like you like you." And let's face it that's awkward in the 7th grade when it's unsolicited... It's really awkward when you're an adult and you technically asked for it.

The other problem is that I can't say no to solicitation of any type. I've been known to agree to cruises and whatnot over the phone and then call my credit card to cancel them rather than tell the telemarketer no. Seriously. It's a disorder. It isn't craziness per se... it's extreme empathy. I'm so concerned about the caller (or the missionaries as the case may be) making their numbers, reaching their quotas, or catching a break that I just can't take that away from them. It really kills me to have to say no. So let's face it when the missionaries come and invite me to a service... I will not be able to say no. Next thing you know I'll be leading the Primary classes or something. I'm not kidding. So before I even hear from them I'm already stressing out about my future fraudulent position that I'll be holding in the local LDS church... and I mean STRESSING because I don't even believe in God for crying out loud.

Eventually the missionaries called... but... we were in Charleston (Oh shoot) and they missed us. The 2nd time I was working out and I didn't hear the call. Then all was quiet on the western front and I thought... hey... maybe I weathered the storm. Then something unexpected happened. My good friend in Ann Arbor intervened. I'm suspecting she, as a former missionary herself, was disappointed in the Asheville Elder's lackluster performance. I think on some level it started to reflect badly on the LDS... I asked for my Book Of Mormon... and by God I should have gotten it by now! So she called them. Who? The local missionaries. She talked to them and told them to get their butts over here ASAP and give me my Book. I guess every once in awhile missionaries need to be reminded of what their mission is... because not 24 hours later they showed up at my door.

They showed up at about 8 PM on Saturday night right in the midst of the picture hanging fanstasmo. The house looked like a tornado had just blown through, Kid was on the couch watching some hideous cartoon, Baby was running wild, and Canine was barking incessantly. I thought I had heard a knock on the door... but since we don't know anybody that seemed unlikely. I peeked out and saw the telltale white button downs and ties. I was caught off guard to say the least... and sometimes that's best. There is really only so much prep work you can do for a situation so outside of your experience and comfort zone.

I shuttled Canine to the deck and opened the door. I asked them in, innerly cringing at the state of things, and they explained that they could not come in the house with me unless my husband was home. I assured them he was and they came in and stood somewhat awkwardly inside the door. Now I'm waiting for them to give me some kind of clue as to what's supposed to happen next... how much small talk is appropriate?... when is the "talk" going to start. But that didn't happen. They were nice and friendly and I figured... well I probably know everything they are going to tell me... and I just took over the conversation myself. I don't know what they were thinking. I worried that they thought I was a convert waiting to happen... I mean who has their friend call and hassle them to get on over if they aren't actually contemplated joining The Church? I spent the next twenty minutes or so asking them about themselves... trying to impress them with how much LDS lingo and missionary knowledge I have under my belt.

After a while I noticed that Kid, who was sitting directly in their line of view, had her dress riding up onto her lap while she watched her show.... AND... she didn't have any underwear on. Yes. You read that right. Directly in the line of view of the Moron missionaries was a clear shot of Kid's unmentionables... the real unmentionables. Classic. Now if you want to talk about socially awkward moments I beg you to try and top that. I spent about 5 minutes trying to subtly signal her to pull her dress down without actually drawing attention to what was really exposed. Eventually I had to walk over and loudly say for their benefit "We need to keep our dress down! People are over!"

We continued to talk... they love our house, my folk art, they're available to help unpack or do yard work. "Just call, really, we love to do it because we can wear our regular clothes" they assured me. They never gave me a spiel... and they never gave me the book. I wasn't sure what the deal was... I mean weren't they supposed to try and convert me? Weren't they supposed to spread the word... or Gospel... or whatever it's called?

Then they asked if they could come back. Ah. I'm not a typical case obviously. I'm a two visit heathen. I think they were impressed. I mean they must have been.

And you better believe I'm making them dinner.

And then having them move that mattress down to the basement.

Quick Call For Medical Insight

And then I'll get on to an actual written post for once. Check back tonight for my Mormon Missionaries update... believe me... you'll be glad you did! If you've been wondering when I would stop putting up pictures of Baby and calling that a post... it will have been worth the wait... I hope.


Here's the situation:

Lately Kid has had quite a few episodes where she has woken up in the night and thrown up 2 or 3 times until her stomach is emptied... no other symptoms... and she is fine once she's done. This has happened nearly once a week over the last month. The first few times I kept her home the entire next day from school assuming she was "sick". Today was her field trip and I was a chaperone and I had to attend... of course last night she threw up again (exactly one week after her last episode). I didn't know what to do or if there is an actual vomit protocol so I took her. She truly is fine. Does anyone have any idea what could be going on? I'm wondering if she might be allergic to something... or if constipation can cause vomiting?

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

And so I made these for my Dad & Grandparents' visit:

And these:

And this:


Let's hope I get some workouts in this weekend...



P.S. My grandfather said my hair was very French... you know what I say to that... Oui oui!

Housekeeping Tip #1

Chip Off The Old Block

Need a transcript of that :

"Alright people, when I come home from school I am expecting my bed to be dirty, because I never make it, but it always looks clean... it's so organized."

The Littlest Dictator

As Baby pitches her first tantrum of the day, 

clinging to Mrs F's legs in the kitchen,

Mrs F looks up and says 

to Mr F as he heads for the door

"See you in NINE hours."

Maybe The Best Meme Of All Time

That's right folks, I'm busy hanging pictures and I'm dialing it in today. I stumbled upon this meme and decided to rip it off. Enjoy.


The stuff that’s true is in BOLD.

Appearance:
- I am 5′4 or shorter.
- I think I’m ugly.
- I have many scars.... to put it mildly
- I tan easily.
- I wish my hair was a different color.
- I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
- I have a tattoo.
- I am self-conscious about my appearance. unclothed ;)
- I have/I’ve had braces.
- I wear glasses.
- I’d get/have gotten plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free, scar-free. Oh you better believe it... I probably will.
- I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger. Drunk strangers count... right?
- I have had more than 2 piercings. Like a goddamn idiot I have 2 in one ear & 3 in the other... it was the early 90s what can I say?
- I have had piercings in places besides my ears.
- I have freckles.

Family/Home Life:
- I’ve sworn at my parents. What did you expect?!
- I’ve run away from home.
- I’ve been kicked out of the house.
- My biological parents are together.
- I have a sibling less than one year old.
- I want to have kids someday.
- I have children.
- I’ve lost a child.

Embarrassment:
- I’ve slipped out a “LOL” in a spoken conversation. Old habits die hard ;)
- Disney movies still make me cry. Word.
- I’ve snorted while laughing.
- I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried. Often.
- I’ve glued my hand to something.
- I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
- I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

Health:
- I was born with a disease/impairment.
- I‘ve had stitches. Plenty - o.
- I’ve broken a bone.
- I’ve had my tonsils removed.
- I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
- I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
- I’ve had serious surgery.
- I’ve had chicken pox.

Traveling:
- I’ve driven over 200 miles in one day. Many, many, times... typically 600 in a day.
- I’ve been on a plane.
- I’ve been to Canada.
- I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
- I’ve been to Japan.
- I’ve been to Europe.
- I’ve been to Africa.

Experiences:
- I’ve been lost in my city. Here?... Yes.
- I’ve seen a shooting star.
- I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
- I’ve pushed all the buttons in a lift.
- I’ve been to a casino.
- I’ve been skydiving.
- I’ve gone skinny dipping.
- I’ve played spin the bottle.
- I’ve crashed a car. I hit black ice on I-80 back when I was 20... I couldn't drive on the freeways without having panic attacks for a couple of years afterwards even though I was not injured at all.
- I’ve been skiing. Only cross-country.
- I’ve been in a play. Um... I'm assuming my 1st and 2nd grade performances count? Oh I also did a sock puppet performance of Beckett's "Endgame" in college... and got at A... so that definitely counts!
- I’ve met someone in person from the Internet. I've met bloggers!
- I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue. Many, many, times.
- I’ve seen the Northern Lights. In Northern Michigan.
- I’ve sat on a roof top at night. In NYC.
- I’ve played chicken.
- I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
- I’ve eaten Sushi.
- I’ve been snowboarding.

Relationships:
- I’m single.
- I’m in a relationship.
- I’m available.
- I’m engaged.
- I’m married.
- I’ve gone on a blind date.
- I have a fear of abandonment. That is certainly what is underneath my "I'll leave you" type defense mechanism.
- I’ve been divorced.
- I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. Uh... yeah... isn't that what college is for?
- I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
- I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
- I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality:
- I’ve had a crush on someone of the same gender.
- I’ve kissed a member of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with someone of the same gender.
- I’ve had sex with more than one person at the same time.
- I am a cuddler.
- I’ve been kissed in the rain.
- I’ve had sex outdoors.
- I’ve hugged a stranger.
- I have kissed a stranger.
- I have had sex with a stranger.

Honesty/Crime:
- I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
- I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t. ... weekly as of late...
- I have lied to my parents about where I am.
- I am keeping a secret from the world. Haha.. just kidding.
- I’ve cheated while playing a game.
- I’ve cheated on a test.
- I’ve driven through a red light.
- I’ve witnessed a crime.
- I’ve been in a fist fight.
- I’ve been arrested.
- I’ve shoplifted. Recently actually... but I didn't know it until I got to the car... and no I did not go back into Target and return the sunscreen... I kept it.

Drugs/Alcohol:
- I’ve consumed alcohol.
- I smoke cigarettes.
- I smoke pot. Past tense.
- I regularly drink.
- I’ve taken painkillers when I didn’t need them.
- I’ve taken cough medicine when i wasn’t sick. I did take Nyquil this week because I couldn't find my Unisom... does that count?
- I’ve done hard drugs.
- I’ve been addicted to an illegal substance.
- I can’t swallow pills. I can but I have an awful gag reflex and it can take several attempts... number one reason I don't take vitamins.
- I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem. (I don’t believe I’ve ever tried this.)

Mental health:
- I have been diagnosed with depression.
- I shut others out when I’m depressed. I used to more... now I think I'm pretty up front about it ;)
- I take anti-depressants.
- I have had an eating disorder.
- I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
- I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
- I’m addicted to self harm.
- I’ve woken up crying.

Death:
- I’m afraid of dying. YES. I didn't used to be... but since having kids this would be my biggest fear outside of having them die.
- I hate funerals.
- I’ve seen someone dying.
- I have attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
- Someone close to me has committed suicide.

Random:
- I can sing well.
- I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
- I open up to others too easily. What do you think?
- I watch the news.
-I don’t kill bugs.
- I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for sake of being able to rhyme.
- I swear regularly.
- I am a morning person.
- I paid for my mobile phone ring tone.
- I’m a snob about grammar.
- I am a sports fanatic.
- I play with my hair.
- I have/had “x”s in my screen name.
- I love being neat.
- I love Spam.
- I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
- I don’t know how to shoot a gun.
- I am in love with love.
- I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
- I laugh at my own jokes. Daily.
- I eat fast food weekly. Ahem.
- I believe in ghosts.
- I am online 24/7, even as an away message. It sure does seem that way.
- I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
- I am really ticklish.
- I love white chocolate.
- I bite my nails.
- I play video games.
- I’m good at remembering faces.
- I’m good at remembering names.
- I’m good at remembering dates.
- I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.