Saturday, May 8, 2010

Progression Shots

I've cobbled up the best I can do.

I found this in my photo booth:

That's from mid January, well before Mr F left. I think it's safe to say I actually put on more weight since then because I stopped wearing those jeans altogether.

Here they are now:

Notice they are zipped and the pockets mostly stay in. They are tight as all get out... but... they are kids' jeans remember.

Let's just remind ourselves that I used to need to wear a belt with these pants. What the heck?!

Anyway that's just a little over 3 weeks worth of effort. And, honestly, if I can find the time and energy to do this right now I'm pretty sure anyone with all their limbs can to. So, join me, won't you?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

If My Life Were A Movie.... Would It Be A Comic Tragedy?... And, If So, Is That Even Something People Want To Watch?

There is this blog I read, it is a beautiful fantasy. I daydream about that life and wish it were mine. It feels so serene and creative and her husband knows how to make baby quilts. They have time to make slow cooked Sunday dinners and brunches. She has an actual crafting studio. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say I envy her, since I know it's a romanticized snap shot, as much as I'd say I want to be her when I grow up. Except it's too late for that... I'm pretty sure I'm older.

Anyway, as I reflect on the appeal of her blog it often gets me laughing. Because if that's why I read her... why would anyone want to stop in here and read this? I mean really? You'd have to be some kind of crazy to come here and start daydreaming about wanting a piece of this action. I think my blog (my life?!) must have the opposite effect. I'm like the poster girl for worst possible scenario. (Except my kids of course)

Well, yesterday, was a rough day. I was really feeling it... all of it. And I was tired and kind of shutting down and just trying to make it through the day. Some days I cry on the phone with Mr F and say I want my life back... a life when I could actually enjoy my children and the small little moments of wonderfulness... instead I'm just so tired and overwhelmed that I quite literally go to bed urging myself to try and get up in the morning and make it through. One day at a time. That's what it's come to. And it sucks.

I give the girls baths every other night. Last night was not a bath night, so after we had finished dinner the girls were dancing to Dancing with The Stars (which I Tivo and dish out in 20 minute pre-bed increments). Things were going well. I was thinking how I wished I could video it for you all. And then... boom... things were different. Suddenly Baby was on the ground screaming. And gushing blood. It was her mouth so I didn't freak out too much... mouths are extra bleedy you know. But she was not acting normally (kind of a naturally rough and tumble shake it off kind of gal). She was hysterical beyond hysterical. It took me a while to figure out that she had bitten clear through her lip. I iced it and gave her tylenol (don't worry it was generic... being cheap has it's rewards). I called Mr F and debated the seriousness. It was really hard to say, since as it turns out watching Grey's Anatomy is not actually the equivalent of attending an accredited medical school. It's a moist membrane so it's more likely to heal... but she bit through in such a way as to kind of sever a flap of lip... not good. I couldn't decide if it required stitches or if because it's a lip they'd just let it go.

After awhile I decided the flap was pretty deep and maybe it did need to be checked on. I mean she is three and it's not like she isn't going to be messing with it... what if it gets infected? So we loaded up and went to the ER. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. After three hours (10 PM now) I went back to the desk and asked if they knew how much longer? Baby wasn't upset anymore and were they going to do anything anyway? What if I wait for 4 hours, end up owing 400 bucks, and they just send us on our way? Well of course they couldn't help me. I told them "Look I know you can't tell me if I should stay or go but what if I said this 'I'm thinking of going home, you tell me absolutely not if that's what you think.'" That kind of made them nervous but they understood and did want to help. So they brought a nurse out and she said "I'd stay." And so I did.

Another hour later the doctor comes in and Baby is wrapped in a sheet. Two more men with gloves come in and we hold her down. The doctor sticthes her lip WITHOUT ANY KIND OF ANESTHETIC.

Baby now hates me. HATES ME. She's completely traumatized... and I'm thinking any chance of getting her to cooperate at the dentist next month is nil. And I don't blame her. The last time people with scrubs and gloves came near her they actually hooked her like a fish. She was screaming and shaking for quite awhile after that. Then she started slapping me in the face. Again, I didn't blame her. It broke my heart. She felt violated and unprotected. And I helped them do it. Thank God they are dissolvable and we don't have to go back to have them pulled out. Good God... I can't even imagine.

We got home and I realized I still had all the dinner dishes to clean up... goody... I love my life. Kid still needed dessert (she is a stickler for her routine) and to get ready for bed. After all that I got Baby some more tylenol and tried to put her to sleep. She couldn't sleep and I nestled her on the couch with Max & Ruby hoping she'd drift off. It was now past midnight and I still had to get up early the next morning to watch the baby... too late to call and cancel... and, honestly, with more medical bills in route I need the money. I grabbed some blankets to make myself a bed on the floor... when.... something wet and cold hit my legs. I finally found the blanket. So one more load of wash, and while I walked away from the laundry room, I just started laughing. Because, of course, after such a long and hard day with no end in sight... I would try and rest only to wrap myself up in a cold pee soaked blanket.

Of course.

What have you got for me today, Life? (something tells me not a good workout and a full night's sleep.)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Oh God

Stay tuned. That's all I can say.

Pardon Me

I wish I could always have something up here for you. But this week a giant of wave of exhaustion has come up and grabbed me by the ankle and pulled me under.

Sometimes I just get SO tired. And, for me, that is saying something fierce because usually no matter how bad things are I can keep on ticking.

I just don't seem to be able to ever get enough sleep. In part because I have so much to do that I can't, and in part maybe I have so much to do that I just factually need more sleep to recover. Either way, more sleep isn't in the cards. There just aren't enough hours in the day. I feel like I could sleep for 48 hours straight.

Well this morning I woke up and hit the snooze button in a wishful haze that somehow, magically, 5 minutes would make all the difference.

It didn't.

So I took Kid to school dreaming of a nap. And went grocery shopping. And brought Baby home and fed her and then said "Ooh, I just want to curl up and take a nap."

She agreed.

But she was lying.

She brought a thousand books into my cool sheets.

I tried to read but could feel myself slipping away.

And so I pulled the quilt over my head and told her to get something to play with quietly.

She dutifully brought in three large tubs of toys and started playing with them... on me.

So I grumbled.

And she left.

I stirred guiltily when I heard the TV click on.

But I went back to sleep rationalizing my need.

I woke up abruptly an hour later to: "Mom my pants are soaked.... don't look under the blanket."

Which I guess I deserved.

Other tidbits:
I have not recorded any additional weight loss. Partly because I haven't had any, well not a full pound yet... I'm teetering back and forth. But mostly because I took about a week and a half off of calorie counting, got my period, had visitors, and a trip to Red Lobster (never again). Last week, due to crises of property & rodentia I also missed two of my workouts. So I'm feeling pretty good that despite all that I maintained. This week I am back on calorie counting and am trying (although this fatigue isn't helping) to pick up the two lost workouts (I'm shooting for 5 a week which means I'd need 7 this week). Having said all that I will say that I wish I had taken "Before" shots and measurements because I have totally changed my body in the last 3 weeks. It's crazy. I'm doing my step aerobic workouts which are literally the most intense workout I've ever done in my life and I am drenched in sweat from head to toe (seriously, even my socks are soaking wet). I'm shooting for 2-3 of those and then 2- 30 day Shred workouts a week, and of course the lawn mowing. I think it's the perfect balance of intense cardio (for real, check it out if you need a change... if you have Tivo you can catch this one on FitTV) and strength and I'm down just about 3 pounds and 2% body fat in three weeks. So that ain't nothing. I feel like I have a plan that works and that I really can be at the bottom of my goal weight range in 6 weeks. Bring it. Also, please bring me some energy and a house contract.

More unrelated tidbits:
Kid has had food sensitivities for years. We've done all sorts of stuff with her diet to help her with her food related eczema. I've had lots of success with food elimination. She was on a completely major allergen free diet from 18 months until she was 3 when many kids naturally outgrow their sensitivities. And that seemed to be the case. We were able to add just about everything back into her diet without any eczema flare ups. She seems (and I've found this with myself too) to have a certain carrying load for an allergen and once she surpasses that she flares up. Well, long story short this past summer the eczema came back with a vengeance and I've struggled to figure it out. She's older and it's harder to put her on a full blown elimination diet. One thing that she's never fully outgrown is eggs and she can only have them as a special treat and what is in a baked product every once in awhile without breaking out (worth noting that she LOVES eggs, craves eggs, would happily eat them 3 times a day... which is often the case with a trigger food). But we hadn't added more. I took them out and she was still flaring. I just couldn't figure out what new thing she we had added in (I tried removing several) and I couldn't figure out what thing she might be having too much of. Eventually I thought I'd just switch out her milk but she turned her nose at all the expensive alternatives I brought home: coconut, almond, hemp. Finally I have made some head way. I've got her on minimally pasturized goat milk (an astonishing $18/gallon) now instead of cow's milk (although she can still have yogurt and the minimal amounts of milk in food products without a problem) and it has cleared up. She says she doesn't like goat milk but if I tell her it's cow milk when I serve it (she asks every time... and yes I lie... I'm not about to waste that damn milk) she drinks it just fine... so it's not a taste thing it's a goat thing ;)

That's all I've got. Time to get ready to get Kid from school and unload the dishwasher. And hopefully score some crack on the corner so I'll have energy to workout.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

So Does It Seem Weird To Anyone

That we were inundated with showings and interest RIGHT up until we went on Easter break.

While we were gone we had our realtor shut off our courtesy call and just let the realtors go on through.

During that time a couple more people came through.

Then on our return we told our realtor to call the schedulers and set up our old protocol.


Even though we lowered our price.

I know that maybe I'm being paranoid... but it has been over 3 weeks and the only thing I know happened in that time is that he called and changed our scheduling contact information.

What if he turned it back on with the wrong phone number?

It's possible, right?

I'm not sure I would call that *wishful thinking*, because if that is the case we'll have to fire our realtor, and we may have lost potential offers, AND we will have lowered our price unnecessarily.

So I'm not sure I'm *hoping* that's what happened, but I do, now, need to know that it isn't.
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