That's What I'm Talking About

"If there were ribbons for Most Hysterical Mom, you'd get #1!" Kid says

P.S. We're headed Up North for the 4th. See ya when we get back.

Move Over Desperate Housewives...There's A Delusional Housewife In Town

So, last night, on our way home from a long day of stuff, I realized we desperately needed to make a grocery stop.

We had a short list, mostly fruit... in order to keep the girls totals up, and a few necessities.

It was already after 9PM and I just wanted to knock it out as quickly as possible.

A foot in the door Baby asks if I will finally replace her dead goldfish.

"Sure." I say, then we hit the produce.

Kid is intent to drive the cart (which is moderately annoying) and so I took off running with Baby in hand to the eggs, Kid running pell mell behind us.

A man turned, smiled, and took note.

We make our way to the juice aisle... and there he is again.

Isn't it kind of awkward when you keep running into someone?

But he wasn't moving along, he was kind of lingering.

And so, I thought... oh, boy... not again (but also... YES! Again!).

I don't know if you've been shopping after 9 PM on a weeknight... but it is single's hour.

And more than a few times I have had some uncomfortable, but totally self esteem affirming, grocery aisle stalkers.

So,I say a little loudly...

"After we get the cereal we can go get a goldfish."

Like this guy is going to be like...

"What?!! Goldfish at 9:30? Totally hot married mom of two... and she's super fun and spontaneous?"

What can I say I was trying to mess with him.

Then we go in the cereal aisle...

And he's there.

And I'm like...

Confirmed. You are totally into me.

I was wearing my boob dress... so this seemed plausible...

Also he kind of looked like he just got back from a long camping trip.

Not a hobo... but... you know... not someone who's out of my league by any stretch.

Then we go to the fish tanks.

And he shows up.

Now I'm like... what is going to happen?!!

This is pretty ballsy, right?!

I'm mean sure he needed juice, and eggs, and cereal... but a single middle aged man just happening to also buy a goldfish at 9:30...

Um no...

He's clearly making his move.

And I think... crazy, I have my kids, and my rings on.

So he doesn't say anything, and the fish are sick, so we turn around and get out of there.

And I am not going to lie...

I was feeling pretty fucking fantastic.

That's right... I could totally snag a kind of rough around the edges middle aged man if I had to.

Even with my kids.

Badass.

So, we check out and there is no sign of him.

We get outside and I JUST HAD TO SHARE MY AWESOMENESS... but I only have the kids.

Plus, Mr F never finds these revelations to be quite as awesome as I do.

More than once I've come home from the store and been like...

"I've still got it... old men are into me!"

And he just rolls his eyes and keeps washing the dishes.

Anyway, I just can't contain myself so I turn to Kid and say...

"I think someone was following us in the store."

I don't know what I thought she'd say... but I just had to let it out.

And she says eagerly...

"Oh, I know!"

And I'm like...

YES!!!!

It was totally true!

I'm totally hot to some random slightly rumpled man!!!

I knew it!

And then she said...

"He knows me."

And I was like...

dead inside.

A whole half an hour fantasy shattered on the ground.

"What? How does he know you?" I asked.

"I finally remembered who he is... he taught one of my science classes." She said

Okay good, so not a creep, I guess.

"Oh, he must have been trying to remember how he knew us, too" I muse.

I finally sheepishly confess that I thought maybe he was interested in me.

She was greatly amused by that.

Greatly.

We get home, and we are still laughing about it.

Then she says...

"People do think they are beautiful, but not to that level... of walking around thinking people want to marry them at the grocery store."

I reveal to her that I was actually trying to make him think I was even more attractive by mentioning the goldfish.

Even my eight year old was on the floor laughing her ass off at how ridiculous that is.

"Aren't you glad I'm your mom?" I ask, wiping away the tears of my hysterical laughter.

"Yes." She says.

The fucking funniest thing OF ALL TIME just happened to me at the grocery store.

Well, maybe the mocking of me by Kid, for it, was actually the funniest thing.

Stay tuned for more on that, tomorrow.

So What Is The Right Thing To Wear...

to your kid's psych evaluation?


P.S. it absolutely matters