Prioritizing...Again

A few short weeks ago I wrote THIS post wherein I listed the things that I would like to do and that I felt would improve my quality of life. Well the last couple of days... scratch that.... few years.... I've been trying to focus on what really matters. You know what is REALLY important to me and what things REALLY would make me happy. Dealing with Kid's surgery definitely brought these feelings and questions to the forefront for me. And while I was trying to think what few things REALLY matter to me and assess if I am actually doing them or even capable of doing them... I remembered that I had already written this post a couple days after New Years.

Hmm... a short perusal proved that #1 the things I wish I was doing TODAY are the same things I put on the list nearly a month and a half ago and #2 I haven't done any of them yet. Well I guess #2 isn't entirely true... I did update Baby's memory book and I did paint those napkin rings with Kid that one time, and I did file my paperwork (well I started it anyway)... but overall I haven't even attempted to tackle the things that are hanging over my head.

Now it is true that the last month and a half have been a little crazy around here. There was my hormonal breakdown, my father's visit, Kid's neurology appointment, Baby's birthday, and last but not least Kid's surgery. So it is understandable that I haven't made a lot of progress in, say, the decorating department. And as legitimate as all that sounds... I mean it does... doesn't it?... the truth is I could write a list like that for EVERY month of EVERY year. That is just my life.

In the past few weeks I have often contemplated letting go of the blog. Yes it is true. Sometimes I think it is just a distraction from my *real* life and it keeps me from spending my time on my *real* priorities. You know... I just can't decide if blogging should be as important of a daily fixture as it has become. But then I have a week like last week and the support I get from everyone out there is so *real* that I have to rethink my position. This is real. And yes it can be a distraction...but it can also be a haven and a support system like none I have ever had... or that I think is even possible in the *real* world. The thing about blogging is that it is an obvious distraction but I have done a lot of soul searching and have come to terms with the fact that I felt this way in the past about my magazine reading, phone calling, and even catalog reading... the truth is staying home all day is boring at times and I will always find some thing, meaningful or not, to distract myself with. Maybe it is impossible for me not to... and maybe... just maybe it is unreasonable for me to expect otherwise. So I will continue to blog... and continue to make lists of my lists... and continue to obsess on my nature.

Now that I've sorted that out back to the discussion at hand... my list. Spending time with my kids is still a priority and probably something I will always fret over (despite being with them 24 hours a day). I'm not sure there is much I can do to ever ease my conscious in that department. But the other thing on my list that I think about ALL the time (and something I can do something about) is buying that stupid blue Ikea furniture. I want so much to just move into this house already. Move in completely and commit to it. I think that would help me feel more settled. And then I wonder if that is the real motivation or if I really want to do it because it is acquiring more stuff and that my real motivation is to just keep surrounding myself with more and more things. I have been really trying to think... really think... on a deep level... about what I am really doing and why. Why does that bedroom bother me so much? Will redoing it really make me feel better? In many ways I really think this is a legitimate desire. When I am in a room that is finished I do feel more at ease and comfortable. I'm going to think on it. Next month if it is still on the top of my list I'm buying the damn furniture.

Laughter

Last night was a bit rough for Kid. She was running a pretty high fever and was clearly in a lot of pain. I put her mattress on the floor next to my bed so I could keep an eye on her and keep that fever down. When she woke up this morning I asked her how she was feeling and while refusing to open her eyes she said "Not too good". Ugh... heartbreaking.
Well right now, not even a half hour later, I can hear her laughing with Mr F. Really laughing. She hasn't even had her pain medicine yet. I haven't heard her laugh in days and it is music to my ears.

P.S. Whole Foods Cashier...I Hate You

I mean it. I hate you. I HATE YOUR GUTS.
Thanks for pissing me off, I haven't been this pissed off in months. No seriously. You have wronged me. I will NEVER use your lane again. You are a stupid idiot. You are an incompetent moron. And I hate you.
It's not like I'm hard to checkout. I mean I anally organize all my purchases by category and weight. I have my own damn bags and even attempt to bag everything myself. You didn't actually have to do anything. So when you chose to start shoving all my fucking food in the two remaining bags in a flurry of inconsideration I was a bit taken aback. It's not like I am going to say anything to your face but maybe you could slow down and actually look at the shit you are putting in the bag. I've never been a professional bagger but I think it is just common sense not to make the bags so fucking heavy that they require two hands to lift. I don't know about you but I have to actually lift them out of the cart and into my car, then out of my car up 5 steps and carry them a total of 50 feet or so. You might have noticed I also have a baby... she won't be helping me do this so thanks for keeping that in mind. And just because I have my own bags doesn't mean you can't give me one of yours if, say, I have too much stuff to fit in the ones I brought... I don't know just an idea. Not only were these the HEAVIEST bags I have ever had packed (and I've had quite a few inappropriately heavy bags in my day) but they were packed in the most inconsiderate and haphazard fashion. In fact they were so jam packed that they were bulging from the sides. So much so that I actually couldn't get them to fit next to each other in my cart! Which was oddly fortunate because I had to (Yes right there at the end of the checkout lane where you and many other *helpful* employees could see me) unpack all the bags and re-bag everything. Which is when I discovered the full scope of your idiocy. You are a complete an utter imbecile. And I hate you. I hate you because you shoved soft sided (and pricey) produce UNDER heavy canned goods. I hate you because you put my gallon of milk on TOP of my bananas. I hate you because you actually split open a $3 pear when you shoved it down next to my organic oreos! I HATE YOU. I never want to see you again. You should be fired.

It's Over

Here we are waiting for the pre-op meds to kick in. A little valium goes a long way.

Here is Kid loaded up in the Red Wagon with all her comfort things waiting to get wheeled back to the OR (never mind that she had stopped sleeping with Pig and sucking on Pacie they came back for this mission!)

Here is Kid sleeping it off in Recovery Phase 2.

So it is over... and really... that is all that matters. Our surgeon actually remembered that she was scheduled for surgery today (YES she forgot last time and we had to wait an additional 2.5 hours!!!). She also went ahead and did the *next* procedure instead of repeating the failed one from last time. This is a HUGE relief since had it been repeated we would most certainly be looking at a third surgery in another 6 months. Being the detail oriented mommy that I am I was able to request the same Anethesiologist that we had last time (loved him and she did much better than with her previous procedure) and EVEN better they pumped her with anti-nausea drugs and this time she did not come out feeling sick to her stomach.... or puking all over us and the car! Her eyes are hurting her today and are RED but last time she was literally crying blood and her eyes looked like something out of a horror film... truly and heartbreakingly hard to look at. She has taken to the basement couch where she will get her fill of unlimited TV for the next few days. She just told me to leave her alone (sniff sniff) since I am the medicine dispenser and she wants none of it. I wish there was some way to get her to understand that it makes the pain go away but she doesn't want to hear it.
I'm off to go think of some kind of MAJOR bribe (she even turned down an American Girl Doll... this is serious stuff folks!... oh and don't worry it was for completing the full cycle of medicine not just 4 Tylenol tablets!). Scratch that I did just give her an American Girl Doll for taking 4 Tylenol (with the promise to take it again in 6 hours). Don't judge me people! It is my old one I've been saving (yes they made them when we were kids... okay I was a little old to be getting a doll that Christmas... whatever) so really it is free.... now that is the benefit of being a pack rat!

The Time Has Come

Kid's having her eye surgery this morning at 10:15. The procedure will take a few hours and does require her to be put under and intubated. I'll post an update as soon as I can.

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UPDATE:
Kid just went in for her surgery at 11:30 AM. I'll get out an update as soon as I can.
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UPDATE:
Kid is doing fine. The surgery went well. She is still recovering at the hospital but should be coming home sometime before dinner.
Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers.
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UPDATE:
It is 5:30 PM
Kid is home and doing well. She is recovering (so far) much better and more comfortably than last time.
I left a more thorough response in the comments.
Thanks again for all your messages, well wishes, and prayers.



If you are missing me you can watch THIS.

Thank You Baby

Yes Baby has valiantly sacrificed herself in a grand effort to distract me from Kid's upcoming surgery.

Dinner Is Served

I've posted this recipe before but today I've updated it with both a photo and a video.
This is one of my go to recipes. It is super fast, easy, and sophisticated. If you haven't tried this yet you are really missing out. Seriously folks this is FANTASTIC. Of all the recipes I have ever created this is hands down the best one and the one I am most proud of. Try it.

Brown Sugar and Ginger Salmon

salmon filets
minced ginger (prefer the jars pureed ginger you can buy... 1/2 t - 2 t per 6 oz filet)
ground coriander
s&p
brown sugar (1 T per 6oz of filet)

Heat oven to 400

line cookie sheet with tin foil (do it!) and lightly grease the foil
Place filets (I get a 12-16 oz for the three of us) on the prepared cookie sheets. Salt and pepper the filets and then dust with the coriander (like you are putting cinnamon sugar on toast). Schmear (yes you NYers will know what I mean) the minced ginger over the filets. This is totally a taste issue on how "hot" you want the salmon to be. Apply sparingly (1/2 t per 6 oz) if you don't like spice and more (2 t per 6 oz filet) if you do. Then take a tablespoon of brown sugar for each 6 oz or so of salmon and evenly crumble and press this on top of the ginger. Pat the sugar to cover the whole filet and kind of moisten it from the ginger. Place in oven for about 10 mins until desired doneness. The brown sugar should have melted into a glaze. THIS IS FANTASTIC!

175 calories for 4 oz portion


Cooking Notes:
My grocery store isn't selling the jars of pureed ginger (might have been Christopher Ranch or some such brand like the garlic) anymore... they now have it in a tube "Gourmet Garden Ginger Spice Blend"

Also I use Wild Sockeye I find it has a stronger flavor and a firmer texture. Lately I've been buying the vacuum packed frozen filets so I can make this whenever I want.. I just put the filets in the fridge the night before. Whole Foods and TJ's both have these at about $9.99/lb. If you buy it at the fish counter it is often over this and since they've thawed it for you (well for those of us who do not live in Alaska).. you don't have a lot of flexibility in terms of when you're going to make it.

Mrs F Food TV... you can watch me make it!

Last Chance

Hey everyone today is the last chance to vote for my best friend Alexis.

You all might recall that she was a finalist in an MSLO "Big Idea Bake-off" Contest last week.
Her idea is for Martha Stewart to put out a publication specifically targeted to those of us out there who are living with or caring for people with food allergies and sensitivities.

This is a MAINSTREAM problem effecting millions of people and it is time for there to be MAINSTREAM magazines out there addressing these issues. This REALLY is a GREAT idea and one that could improve the quality of life of someone you know and love.

Please stop over at Martha's blog and cast another vote (or 20) for Alexis!

The Endorphins Will Do You Good

Mental State

I'm not doing well today.
I have done everything I can to try and not dwell on the surgery. I scheduled it right as soon as possible so there would be less time to obsess. I have really been able to keep it in my back pocket until now. With less than 48 hours to go I am losing it. Losing. It. For real people. I don't want to do this again. It is all I can do right now not to go get Kid from school strap her into the car and run away. I don't want to have her have another surgery. Really. Really. I don't.

I got her off to school and then just felt like "I don't want to go on... I want to lie down in this muddy puddle and let the grief just sweep over me." I put Baby back in the car and headed to Target since I had prescriptions to pick up. Nothing like already fearing the worst for you child and then having to go get her life saving emergency medicine! Not too easy to push things aside when doing that errand. I walked around the store in a complete fog... unable to remember what I was there for and unable take my usual comfort in ogling tons of crap that I neither need nor want. I debated buying hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to redo Kid's bedroom... but didn't. Not that I feel particularly triumphant about that. It might have given me something to throw myself into for the next two days and frankly I'd pay any amount of money for that kind of a distraction.

On Thursday we will take her back to the hospital. She will don a cute old fashioned circus hospital gown. I will take her into the operating room and smile and say cheerfully "Okay I'll see you when you wake up. I LOVE YOU." while she goes under and I try to hold in my sobs until I am escorted from the room. There is a little bathroom in the hallway on the way back to the waiting area. You can lock yourself in there and weep for a few minutes in the dark. There isn't any kleenex in there only that thin rough toilet paper.

Just Checking

I'm not sure how this is for everyone body else. But I think about my children's mortality a LOT. Maybe too much. This comes as no surprise with Kid's upcoming surgery and last week's neuro appointment. But sometimes I wonder... do other moms think about this? And if so how much? Do other moms start to worry that they better pay more attention, read more books, and play more because they don't want to have any regrets?

Just the other night I was watching a TiVo'd Hallmark movie (I am SUCH a sucker for these by the way), and of course it was a tear jerker (when are they not?), and of course because I'm death fixated it was a one two punch featuring both infant mortality and leukemia. Well sure this would make anyone cry. I get that. But the next thing I watched was some other TiVo'd show ALSO about a child dying and that is when I started to get a little loopy and started to wonder if I was being sent a message... you know that Kid wasn't going to make it. Now don't freak out and give me a million comments that you are sure Kid is going to make it... it is just eye surgery. Yes I know that (hope that). But what I'm getting at is how when I'm already kind of spiraling down this path it is like everything I come across furthers my downward journey.

This happens to you right?
And when it does do you also start trying to decode the message? You know... like is it an obvious straightforward "your kid is going to die... get ready" message or a reverse message like "see all this heartbreak... this will not happen to you". Cause that is what I did. Unfortunately I couldn't decide between the two.

This Week The Plan

If you all have been following along you know that I am trying to plan my menus a little more wisely. I typically make my menu trying to use up whatever fresh produce or meat I have leftover from the week before... but I just go out and buy everything on my list. So if say I'm serving rice pilaf I just grab a box (or 3 if they are on sale!) regardless of whether or not I have 5 on the shelf at home. Now our pantry and freezer space are so filled that they are literally overflowing... which just adds to the kitchen and house chaos in general. And although stock piling food isn't exactly wasteful.... it is a waste of money. So this week I've planned our menu around what I already have on hand. I will need to get a few dairy items and some produce for Baby but really this should be a SMALL grocery bill... if not our smallest bill EVER.


Menu:

Monday - Homemade Pizza (you better believe we have enough toppings stock piled for a pretty gourmet experience tonight!)

Tuesday - Potato and Leek Soup (if you haven't had this yet... try it)

Wednesday - Spaghetti & Meatballs w/carrots (I know, I know, but it is what I've got!)

Thursday - Kid's surgery (dinner is being dropped off)

Friday - Huevos Rancheros w/ spanish rice & black beans

Saturday - Angie's Chinese New Year Party

Sunday - Shrimp & Veggie Stir Fry



Exercise:
Last week I decided to take the entire week off. This might have been one of the best decisions I have made for myself. I really think I needed the actual physical rest. I was able to use my evenings for relaxing and it did a world of good for my mental state. This week I'm going to get back on board but with Kid's surgery on Thursday I'm not planning on being able to exercise after the middle of the week.
I did 75 minutes of cardio last night.

Monday - 45 min HIIT and 30 min pilates

Tuesday - 70 min cardio

Wednesday - 60 min pilates


That's it for this week I think with the surgery and all I have enough on my plate to worry about.

Pantry Raid

This week I'm trying something different. I'm going to try and plan ALL my meals around the things we already have in the pantry. That doesn't mean I won't be buying some fresh meat or produce but it does mean I won't be buying MOST of the stuff on my usual list. Check back soon... I'm off to take inventory. Yes, I'm literally going to write down an inventory sheet so that I can be more mindful of the ways that I waste our grocery money and then start planning my menus around using all this crap up!




And that's not all folks... I assure you that is not all!

Why does it always end this way?

I haven't felt like the best mom these last few days. I'm tired, I'm sick, and my patience is just a tad shorter than it should be. Kid has been desperately seeking attention in some less than appreciated ways and I've, more often than not, been responding in kind. Friday was a snow day here, and even though Kid doesn't have school this meant that she also didn't have dance class... and let me tell you by mid-afternoon I was really bemoaning that fact.

Last night, while I was obsessively researching homeschooling options and curriculum, Mr F was reading our local community paper. It turns out that there was going to be a live theatrical performance of Max & Ruby at a local theater. PERFECT. I could take Kid and have an outing. You know something special... something for just the two of us... something like we used to do before Baby. Added bonus the show was perfectly timed around Baby's nap so I didn't have to stress about nursing her or rushing to and from.

Kid and I met up with some friends and we enjoyed the performance. Of course we did have to wait outside in the freezing cold for 40 minutes for the tickets and then patiently wait in our seats for another 20 before the show started... and of course a tall man was seated in front of Kid so I had to have her in my lap... and let me tell you her 45 pounds gets a little heavy during an HOUR long performance. But really don't worry about me... I mean this is FUN. This is our SPECIAL outing.

Afterwards we had a little dessert at a restaurant close by. I mean we're not idiots. You can't very well expect kids to make it through an "outing" without some kind of refreshment unless you want to end up dragging a tantruming five year old home through the dirty city slush. Both girls were DONE and made this known. And my friend being slightly wiser... and maybe slightly less guilt ridden.... and maybe less selfish... went straight for their car and drove home. Wise man. I on the other hand decided that we should take a quick stop into Border's. Hey... it is on the walk to the car anyway... and I did have to pee... and.... and...maybe I was hoping to stumble upon some homeschooling books while I was there.

Kid parked herself in the Children's section reading crappy TV character based books like they were going out of style and I combed the homeschooling section, wisely situated immediately next to the Children's. So here we are happy as can be. Absorbed in our own literature choices until I decide we really should get going. Now this is when things take an abrupt turn for the worse. You see Kid is kind of under the impression that she gets to buy something EVERY TIME she walks into a store. And of course I know where she gets that impression thank you very much. But here is the thing we don't NEED anymore crappy books... seriously we DON"T need anything... well except maybe a couple of Homeschooling manuals (right?... I mean I can't make an informed decision if I'm not informed!).

I tell Kid we aren't getting anymore kid's books, we have TONS at home, and she can go to the library with Dad later if she wants. She suggested a little Max & Ruby Easter book. Oooh... that almost worked.... because we did just see the play and I guess it could be a sort of memento.... but if I give in I'm giving in. And instead of standing firm on it I countered that if there was a board book version I'd consider it since Baby is just going to rip that one apart. Thankfully no board book version was to be found. But you see that I didn't just say no, grab my stuff, and get out of there don't you? You see I took the coward's way out of saying no and that it was because I felt guilty for wanting to ask of my daughter to do something I was not willing to ask of myself.

So begrudgingly Kid got in line with me while I waited to buy MY books. Of course the line was unreasonably long (and frighteningly reminiscent of the long line I asked her to patiently wait in not a few hours before). And this is where things take a turn for the worse. This is when Kid starts loudly complaining of "being hot" and flailing into the store's Valentine's Day displays of useless crap and discounted books. This is where I want to hurt myself for every entering this stupid store and for not just putting my books back when I saw the snaking line. This is where I start to get mad at Kid for her sudden slip into disgruntled toddler mode all because I didn't buy her a book (and although this wasn't verbally expressed the timing was certainly not coincidental). This is also when I start to get mad at myself for pushing what could have been a nice outing too far, and now instead of leaving the cafe with half a cookie in my purse and a smile on our faces, we are marching to our cars as mortal enemies. So much for the mother daughter bonding.

So what's the point? Do I have to have a point? This is what happened. These were the thoughts in my head. Period.