A few short weeks ago I wrote THIS post wherein I listed the things that I would like to do and that I felt would improve my quality of life. Well the last couple of days... scratch that.... few years.... I've been trying to focus on what really matters. You know what is REALLY important to me and what things REALLY would make me happy. Dealing with Kid's surgery definitely brought these feelings and questions to the forefront for me. And while I was trying to think what few things REALLY matter to me and assess if I am actually doing them or even capable of doing them... I remembered that I had already written this post a couple days after New Years.
Hmm... a short perusal proved that #1 the things I wish I was doing TODAY are the same things I put on the list nearly a month and a half ago and #2 I haven't done any of them yet. Well I guess #2 isn't entirely true... I did update Baby's memory book and I did paint those napkin rings with Kid that one time, and I did file my paperwork (well I started it anyway)... but overall I haven't even attempted to tackle the things that are hanging over my head.
Now it is true that the last month and a half have been a little crazy around here. There was my hormonal breakdown, my father's visit, Kid's neurology appointment, Baby's birthday, and last but not least Kid's surgery. So it is understandable that I haven't made a lot of progress in, say, the decorating department. And as legitimate as all that sounds... I mean it does... doesn't it?... the truth is I could write a list like that for EVERY month of EVERY year. That is just my life.
In the past few weeks I have often contemplated letting go of the blog. Yes it is true. Sometimes I think it is just a distraction from my *real* life and it keeps me from spending my time on my *real* priorities. You know... I just can't decide if blogging should be as important of a daily fixture as it has become. But then I have a week like last week and the support I get from everyone out there is so *real* that I have to rethink my position. This is real. And yes it can be a distraction...but it can also be a haven and a support system like none I have ever had... or that I think is even possible in the *real* world. The thing about blogging is that it is an obvious distraction but I have done a lot of soul searching and have come to terms with the fact that I felt this way in the past about my magazine reading, phone calling, and even catalog reading... the truth is staying home all day is boring at times and I will always find some thing, meaningful or not, to distract myself with. Maybe it is impossible for me not to... and maybe... just maybe it is unreasonable for me to expect otherwise. So I will continue to blog... and continue to make lists of my lists... and continue to obsess on my nature.
Now that I've sorted that out back to the discussion at hand... my list. Spending time with my kids is still a priority and probably something I will always fret over (despite being with them 24 hours a day). I'm not sure there is much I can do to ever ease my conscious in that department. But the other thing on my list that I think about ALL the time (and something I can do something about) is buying that stupid blue Ikea furniture. I want so much to just move into this house already. Move in completely and commit to it. I think that would help me feel more settled. And then I wonder if that is the real motivation or if I really want to do it because it is acquiring more stuff and that my real motivation is to just keep surrounding myself with more and more things. I have been really trying to think... really think... on a deep level... about what I am really doing and why. Why does that bedroom bother me so much? Will redoing it really make me feel better? In many ways I really think this is a legitimate desire. When I am in a room that is finished I do feel more at ease and comfortable. I'm going to think on it. Next month if it is still on the top of my list I'm buying the damn furniture.