Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Mental State

I'm not doing well today.
I have done everything I can to try and not dwell on the surgery. I scheduled it right as soon as possible so there would be less time to obsess. I have really been able to keep it in my back pocket until now. With less than 48 hours to go I am losing it. Losing. It. For real people. I don't want to do this again. It is all I can do right now not to go get Kid from school strap her into the car and run away. I don't want to have her have another surgery. Really. Really. I don't.

I got her off to school and then just felt like "I don't want to go on... I want to lie down in this muddy puddle and let the grief just sweep over me." I put Baby back in the car and headed to Target since I had prescriptions to pick up. Nothing like already fearing the worst for you child and then having to go get her life saving emergency medicine! Not too easy to push things aside when doing that errand. I walked around the store in a complete fog... unable to remember what I was there for and unable take my usual comfort in ogling tons of crap that I neither need nor want. I debated buying hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to redo Kid's bedroom... but didn't. Not that I feel particularly triumphant about that. It might have given me something to throw myself into for the next two days and frankly I'd pay any amount of money for that kind of a distraction.

On Thursday we will take her back to the hospital. She will don a cute old fashioned circus hospital gown. I will take her into the operating room and smile and say cheerfully "Okay I'll see you when you wake up. I LOVE YOU." while she goes under and I try to hold in my sobs until I am escorted from the room. There is a little bathroom in the hallway on the way back to the waiting area. You can lock yourself in there and weep for a few minutes in the dark. There isn't any kleenex in there only that thin rough toilet paper.

23 comments:

Julie said...

Hey, just keep breathing. Get it all out now so you can put on that self-assured smile for Kid so she doesn't feel your anxiety.

Have the soda and cookie, but don't go overboard because it will only make you feel worse. Your body is not used to the junk food.

Also, you know your period is also contributing to these very real feelings...emotions getting more intense.

Hugs are going through to you. From me and everyone else here. Email me whenever you want. I wish I was there.

Gigs said...

She'll be okay Mrs F. And you know we're all with you in spirit with our thoughts and prayers. Make sure you take good tissues in your bag. You will all get through this.

Torey said...

I can't even imagine what you're going through. You have every right to feel the way you feel. Do what you have to do to get through. This is just one day. One thing, one time you have to get through. And in two days, it will be over. And you will all be ok.

Please let us know if there is anything you guys need.

Mr Furious said...

Stop making me cry at work.

Per gigs, I will pack the Puffs Plus.

Linds said...

hey, i have NO idea what you're going through right now.. i don't have kids, but i DO have paranoid thoughts about things, so i get the jist of what you're saying in your posts.. just know that Kid will pull through, as she has in every situation in the past, and you will as well.. it's easier said than done, but stay strong, for Kid, for yourself & for the rest of the Furious clan.. you're all in my thoughts through this.. keep as relaxed & positive as you can b/c in two days this will be over with & you will all be OK..

Mr Furious said...

I just called home to check in...

Mrs F is coping by watching "30 Rock" on her laptop. Sounds like a good idea. And she sounded better.

Thanks everybody.

Danielle said...

Kid will do great! I'm SO sorry that you (and Kid) have to go through this. Hang in there!

katieo said...

Nothing like some Kenneth Ellen and Liz Lemon to take your mind off things!

I can relate a little though Mrs. F. I know what it's like to have a kid in the hospital. I remember many lonely, weepy times in hallways and ducked away in the mother's nursing room.

I'll always be grateful my kids weren't the ones waiting for a liver, or there to get chemo, or whatever. It opened my eyes to the tons of parents who suffer for their kids.

And I agree with Julie, although it doesn't take away the "realness" of the feeling, I bet hormones are playing into you feeling desperate. (Just be glad you're not PREGS! ...lol...)

Kid is going to go through with flying colors! I'm sure she doesn't even feel a fraction of what you and Mr. F are feeling. Good luck, we'll be thinking and praying for you guys.

Mrs. Furious said...

Thanks again everyone.

The 30 Rock really did help. I went from sobbing to laughing and that was some good medicine.


Linds,
"keep as relaxed & positive as you can b/c in two days this will be over with & you will all be OK.."
That really helped me so thank you.

Feener said...

I am so sorry. I read the last few lines and was teary eyed myself. I think it is great to VENT away on the blog and have it written down. I feel getting it out is good, and will enable you to be strong for kid.

you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and I know all will go fine.

Be brave for Kid. You can do it, you are one strong MOTHER !!!!!

Heather said...

Hang in there Mrs. F. We're all pulling for you and kid. Kenneth Ellen = the best cheer-er-upper ever.

Mrs. Furious said...

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am alright. I'm off to get on the treadmill (even though I really don't want to) I'm hoping a long cardio will do me some good.

Nutmeg said...

Hope you are feeling a little better.

We're behind you.

KT said...

oh, mrs. f.... I have been thinking of you and mr. f and of course, sweet kid. I hope that the next few days fly by in a manageable blur. I also hope that you can find some comfort in that because you love kid to the end of time, you will do anything to make her life better. Including this. You are great parents, you have great kids, you have a great many thinking of you right now. hugs.

Shirls said...

sorry your so down today, understandbly so, but it still just plain ol'sucks

Mrs. Furious said...

Again let me say THANK YOU to everyone. I really, REALLY, appreciate all your messages. It does make a difference. I am greatly moved by all your kindness.

eurydice said...

just keep breathing - did your cardio session help?

Mrs. Furious said...

eurydice,
you know it!

After I had to rejoin my life upstairs I can't keep it in the zone as well... but for that period of time I felt great.

P.O.M. said...

My heart is aching for you. Hugs for you and Kid. This waive of anxiety will be over soon. Just hold on.

Amy said...

for what it's worth, i'll pray for your family. my baby's only been in the hospital once and it tore my heart out. Even more so were the other children there. best wishes that it will be done and over before you blink.

Anonymous said...

Hey (cheryl here), I don't know how you couldn't be feeling the way you do, you just love kid and hate to see her go through this again. She will be okay, she's just so tough. I wish it could just be Sunday and you'd all be doing much better. I wish we could be there for you guys, we will be thinking of you Thursday.

Mrs. Furious said...

Thanks again to everyone for all the support. I really really do appreciate it. I'd get back to everyone individually but that would require me to have to think about the surgery even more. So... please know that I do read them and that I do take comfort in them. I'll be back to my usual comment returning when the surgery is over!

Robin said...

I'm so sorry you are so stressed out. I would completely be in the same boat. I will keep you and Kid in my prayers.

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