Why does it always end this way?

I haven't felt like the best mom these last few days. I'm tired, I'm sick, and my patience is just a tad shorter than it should be. Kid has been desperately seeking attention in some less than appreciated ways and I've, more often than not, been responding in kind. Friday was a snow day here, and even though Kid doesn't have school this meant that she also didn't have dance class... and let me tell you by mid-afternoon I was really bemoaning that fact.

Last night, while I was obsessively researching homeschooling options and curriculum, Mr F was reading our local community paper. It turns out that there was going to be a live theatrical performance of Max & Ruby at a local theater. PERFECT. I could take Kid and have an outing. You know something special... something for just the two of us... something like we used to do before Baby. Added bonus the show was perfectly timed around Baby's nap so I didn't have to stress about nursing her or rushing to and from.

Kid and I met up with some friends and we enjoyed the performance. Of course we did have to wait outside in the freezing cold for 40 minutes for the tickets and then patiently wait in our seats for another 20 before the show started... and of course a tall man was seated in front of Kid so I had to have her in my lap... and let me tell you her 45 pounds gets a little heavy during an HOUR long performance. But really don't worry about me... I mean this is FUN. This is our SPECIAL outing.

Afterwards we had a little dessert at a restaurant close by. I mean we're not idiots. You can't very well expect kids to make it through an "outing" without some kind of refreshment unless you want to end up dragging a tantruming five year old home through the dirty city slush. Both girls were DONE and made this known. And my friend being slightly wiser... and maybe slightly less guilt ridden.... and maybe less selfish... went straight for their car and drove home. Wise man. I on the other hand decided that we should take a quick stop into Border's. Hey... it is on the walk to the car anyway... and I did have to pee... and.... and...maybe I was hoping to stumble upon some homeschooling books while I was there.

Kid parked herself in the Children's section reading crappy TV character based books like they were going out of style and I combed the homeschooling section, wisely situated immediately next to the Children's. So here we are happy as can be. Absorbed in our own literature choices until I decide we really should get going. Now this is when things take an abrupt turn for the worse. You see Kid is kind of under the impression that she gets to buy something EVERY TIME she walks into a store. And of course I know where she gets that impression thank you very much. But here is the thing we don't NEED anymore crappy books... seriously we DON"T need anything... well except maybe a couple of Homeschooling manuals (right?... I mean I can't make an informed decision if I'm not informed!).

I tell Kid we aren't getting anymore kid's books, we have TONS at home, and she can go to the library with Dad later if she wants. She suggested a little Max & Ruby Easter book. Oooh... that almost worked.... because we did just see the play and I guess it could be a sort of memento.... but if I give in I'm giving in. And instead of standing firm on it I countered that if there was a board book version I'd consider it since Baby is just going to rip that one apart. Thankfully no board book version was to be found. But you see that I didn't just say no, grab my stuff, and get out of there don't you? You see I took the coward's way out of saying no and that it was because I felt guilty for wanting to ask of my daughter to do something I was not willing to ask of myself.

So begrudgingly Kid got in line with me while I waited to buy MY books. Of course the line was unreasonably long (and frighteningly reminiscent of the long line I asked her to patiently wait in not a few hours before). And this is where things take a turn for the worse. This is when Kid starts loudly complaining of "being hot" and flailing into the store's Valentine's Day displays of useless crap and discounted books. This is where I want to hurt myself for every entering this stupid store and for not just putting my books back when I saw the snaking line. This is where I start to get mad at Kid for her sudden slip into disgruntled toddler mode all because I didn't buy her a book (and although this wasn't verbally expressed the timing was certainly not coincidental). This is also when I start to get mad at myself for pushing what could have been a nice outing too far, and now instead of leaving the cafe with half a cookie in my purse and a smile on our faces, we are marching to our cars as mortal enemies. So much for the mother daughter bonding.

So what's the point? Do I have to have a point? This is what happened. These were the thoughts in my head. Period.