This Weekend Is Getting Off To A Rough Start

After 2 weeks of deadlines for Mr F (which means virtually no down time with us or sleep)... he is devoting this weekend to his "project". Which means... virtually no down time or sleep.

I, of course, am hardly doing any better.

Ever since returning from our trip this summer Baby wakes up a MINIMUM of two times a night with nightmares. Nightmares not night terrors. Even if I don't have to settle her back to sleep... it wakes me up. Which means I'm running on 2 (maybe 3) hour stretches of sleep. And I'm suffering.

It's been 7 years since I slept through the night.

I'm ready.

On top of that I seem to have gotten a stomach bug. I woke up in the night barely able to walk. I couldn't find the door to my bedroom and couldn't keep myself from toppling over. I thought I was going to knock myself unconscious. No fever. But something isn't right. I'm staying in my pajamas today.

Kid meanwhile has her first homework assignment. She's more than a little stressed out about it. Someone grant me patience... cause it's running thin around here.

As if it isn't bad enough that I'm tired and sick and Mr F needs to work (at top level concentration... because... Sweet Jesus... get me out of here) and that Kid has been sulking around doing homework (it's a Saturday for the love of God... and she's 6!!). But it's also "Tom Swayer Day" at Kid's school. The day we have to shlep mulch or fix things around the school... in return they credit back some of your money ($10/hour).

Well, obviously, we need to max that credit out. Of course today is just not a good day for this... alas... Mr F had to go (and sign me in even though I'm not going... shhh... hey... they owe me 3 hours for sewing last month and I intend to collect!). I'm really needing a break and it's depressingly obvious that that isn't happening for me this weekend.

To top this morning off as I went to pop their highly debated movie in for the girls ("My Web"... as Baby cutely calls it), so they'll leave me in peace, our damn DVD claims it can't read it. So... I am valiantly offering up my computer.

And that is the greatest sacrifice of all!

So if you're wondering where I am... I'm in my chair... trying to stay hydrated... trying to block out the sounds of bickering children... and eating a bucketful of animal crackers.



P.S. Thanks to everyone who has commented this week. I am sorry that I haven't returned everyone's comments. I've been stretched to about my breaking point time and energy wise this week. I did read them... and always... greatly appreciate the time and effort you make to leave them! I'm hoping I'll be back to normal soon!! And I'm hoping we'll have word on our developments with in a few weeks. At which point I will share them... good or bad.

Wishful Thinking

"Mom when is Nude Day?" Kid asks me after school.

"What do you mean?" I return.

"You know the day when everyone takes of their clothes and celebrates being naked." Kid clarifies.

"Umm... there is no day like that." I reply.

Worth The Wait

This week Mr F finally installed this swing we purchased at Ikea several YEARS ago. We never had a really good spot for it in Ann Arbor (why did we buy it then?... it was cheap... that's why).

Ever since moving here we have had visions of it out here on the big porch.

It only took a year for our vision to finally become reality (which in Mr F home improvement terms is practically overnight!)...

Weight Watcher

Wondering what's up on the weight loss front?

Well... there is no loss. You will notice that little turtle has been taking a nice long snooze over there in the grass.

I've stopped trying to lose. I'm working on my fitness.

If I just focus on working out I really can eat what I want and maintain. If I want to weigh less than I do now I'll have to make a commitment to diet. AND right now I don't want to do that.

Because...

Kid asked me something about my "diet" the other week. I was just like... shit. Because the whole thing for me is being a good role model for my girls. They get it. They get that I workout and that that is part of being a healthy grownup. For Kid to pick up that I'm at all dissatisfied with my physically fit size four self... is a fucking problem. (excuse my French) That is exactly what I don't want to model. That is exactly what will mess them up in the head. And even though I try to be very careful of what I do and say in front of them... I let myself get caught up in some old behaviors and Kid noticed.

It is important to me that they see me live a full life. That they see me eat and enjoy food. Make healthy choices. Eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full. That they see me eat the damn cake.

So the "diet" isn't happening right now. The truth is that I don't need to weigh less than I do. And while I'd like to get down to where I was... that... was a feeling of fitness not thinness. And I know I can get back to that (slowly) without focusing too much on changing the way I eat. Because... and this is important... I don't want to. The way I eat now is how I intend to eat FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. And it is the exact right amount of food for me to intake and maintain my weight. The key to my success really is the exercise. And that is where I'm going to put my energy.

When I focus too much on food... it starts to control me. And I'm actually more likely to fail. To sabotage. When I focus on fitness I ALWAYS feel more empowered. I walk away feeling in control. And that is what I want to feel and what I want to model for the kids. Being IN CONTROL of myself.

Get Crackin'

This morning I was flipping through an old Cooking Light magazine. I stumbled on an article about eggs.

You know I try to have the best quality food I can have in this house. I am particularly driven to buy organic produce, and organic hormone free dairy and meat. But eggs? Eggs have always mystified me. There are so many choices, even in the health food store, and under the 15 second pressure I have to make my selection I never can figure out which is "best".

When we're struggling financially eggs just seem like one of those things I'm willing to cut corners on. I hate to say this... but it has seemed to me that what I'm paying for is the quality of life for the chickens. And, believe me, I'm all for that. I really am. Enough to spend $3.79 a dozen... when... we have the money.

When we don't I need it for the diary, produce, and meat. Because that effects (in my opinion) the quality of life for my children.

But am I wrong?

Now that school is back in session and Kid takes a hardboiled egg in her lunch bag EVERY SINGLE DAY I make sure to buy the best quality I can afford. But for the eggs I bake with I might buy a cheaper dozen.

But when I think I've paid good money for good eggs and well treated hens... am I?

Turns out sometimes I'm not.



So here is the label breakdown according to Cooking Light:

Organic
Birds must be cage free with outdoor access
Cannot be given antibiotics
their food must be organic & vegetarian

Certified Humane Raised & Handled
Meet humane requirements for raising and handling chickens and eggs.

Cage Free
Chickens are out of cages with continuous access to food and water.
They may not have access to the outdoors.

Animal Welfare Approved
Independent family farms with flocks up to 500 birds.
Chickens are free to spend as much time as they desire outdoors on pesticide-free pasture.
Cannot have trimmed beaks.

United Egg Produces Certified
Gives food and water to caged hens.

The following terms are unregulated... so... it might not be wise to pay more for them (ouch! I have!! many times!):
Natural
Naturally Raised
No Hormones
No Antibiotics


So that is the long and the short of it. I am still unclear if "Free Range" has any meaning (I believe once I watched an expose that revealed that it did not mean what we'd think it meant). Or what it really matters (to me) what feed the chickens are fed (for our health)... in terms of eating their eggs not their meat. If I can find out I'll let you know.

My Heart's Not In It

I don't know what to say. I guess I'm hitting a blogging wall. I find this happens when I'm actually having a LOT of things roaming around the old brain... oddly enough. It's much easier to blog when stuff isn't going on for me internally. Harder when it is.

I finished my book yesterday.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Baby brought me tissues and said "All done cryin'?"

Kid rubbed my back and sang me lullabies.

I still cried.

It tugged at a tap root to my grief that has never been resolved and rarely validated outside of therapy.

You can only pull out a little bit... it goes down forever and won't release it's grip.

Mr F might be the only one who knows how sad I am inside.

And even he sometimes forgets.




This weekend I told Mr F that he never tells me I'm pretty.

I know he loves me. I know he thinks I'm smart and funny and a great mother.

But I have spent 10 years believing that he doesn't think I'm beautiful.

So I cried.

I reminded him that in 10 years he's rarely complimented my looks.

And every woman wants to feel she is beautiful.

To her husband.

Not just the creepy guy at the grocery store, the volunteers at Habitat, and the man with the dog at the video store.

Your actual husband.

I asked him why he would withhold making someone feel good?

But I realize I do it too.

The withholding.

It's protection.

No One Does Deadpan Better

"Do you love me?" I ask Mr F while he works at his computer.

"Yep." He replies.

"With what level of intensity?" I fish leaning over his shoulder.

"White hot sun." He says without missing a beat or taking his eyes off his screen.