Saturday, January 10, 2009

Parental Guidance

"The kids are watching a muted Trauma Life in the ER?!" Mrs F yells to Mr F after stumbling into the living room.

"Oh. It must have un-paused." Mr F replies unfazed.

Big V... little v.... What Begins With V?

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Hilarious Update:

"what begins with V? Vagina? I don't get it." My mom emails me.

"VOTE" I reply.

Someone obviously didn't read the labels.


And completely unrelated to this post is the following video update (just in case you thought I might overdose on my pain meds after the last one):

Mrs F starts a survival plan...
which apparently relies heavily on Target frozen pizza.

The Post Wherein Mrs F Becomes Debbie McDowner

Up until now I have not really addressed the seriousness of my injury and the extent to which it affects my day to day life. It has now been 3 entire weeks since I fell on the ice and broke my tailbone. A silly little couple of vertebrae at the tip of your spine that it turns out are integral to every single movement you make... including sneezing and laughing.
Of course the pain of the first couple of days was unbearable and surprising but at that time I had hope. Hope that in a week I'd feel vastly improved. When the first week came and went I still clung to the idea that recovery was around the corner. Nope. While the pain has lessened the recovery is brutally slow and even 3 weeks later I am mostly unable to preform any of my daily activities.

I can shower but I cannot shave my legs.
I can put on my clothes... even pants with some pain... but not my socks.
I haven't left the house except to go to the ER and the doctor.
I can sort laundry and fold it but I can't carry a laundry basket or load or unload the machines.
I can't put clothes in or take them out of drawers.
I can't dress or undress the kids.
I can't change diapers.
I can cook but I can't get the pots or pans out of the cabinets.
I cannot play on the floor or read picture books to the kids because I can't sit next to them.
I can't go up or downstairs.
I can't sit or ride in a car.
I can't pick up anything that is lower than table height.
I shouldn't pick up Baby.
I can barely sleep since the pain is actually worse once the daily distractions are gone.

And these are the things I must do everyday ALL day now that my mom is gone when Mr F is at work.

It's getting hard to stay positive.

When I spend entire days letting Baby watch TV I feel like shit and like I'm failing to meet her needs. I haven't been to Kid's school in weeks or gotten up to get her ready and I'm starting to feel disconnected from her. I know that things will get better (hopefully). But as the days keeping piling up with little to no improvement it's beginning to wear on me. It's hard enough to put up with a constant grating pain but to do it while failing to meet the needs of my family is emotionally draining. I'm starting to feel pretty beaten down and it's getting much harder to envision things ever turning around. I want to say "this is too hard... I quit", but there is no quitting just another day that is maddeningly like the one before it.

I'm getting pretty scared and overwhelmed. I don't even know how to have a game plan for how to make it through my Monday - Friday. I have 2 more days and then it is game on... full time stay at home parent style. I need to be able to do everything I still can't do on Monday. It's hard not to be mad and frustrated that we're here and not at home in Michigan where I could have help and support on a daily basis... especially since moving here has not brought the economic improvements that it was supposed to.

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Friday, January 9, 2009

Good News Bad News

"Do you want cookies?" asks Mr F

"When do I not want cookies?" Mrs F replies

So at least there will be cookies....

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And Now Broken Hearted

Some people may know how close I am with my paternal grandmother. She is in many ways more like a second mother than a grandmother. She is witty and sarcastic even now in her 90s. She was more than butterscotch candies and animal crackers... she was unconditional love and stability in times when that was hard to come by. She has been one of my best friends.

My grandmother, Nana, is 96 today. Last night my father called to tell me she has been in the ICU for the last two days with congestive heart failure. She is there alone tonight. I hate to think of her passing on like that... afraid... hooked up to machines. I'm heartbroken. I want to be there to hold her hand and smell her lily of the valley perfume.

I told myself I wouldn't grieve tonight... that she might still make it. She's a strong woman and has survived so much. She, at times, has seemed immortal and I wish that she were. This is a loss that I have known I would have to face soon... sooner than I'd want. But I am not ready. I can't bear it.

If there is a God she was one of the gifts that he gave me. We were soul mates and I'm not sure how I will be able to get over losing her. I can only hope she has known how much I have loved her... and that I have appreciated all she has ever done for me.

Of Course You Should Keep Voting Like You Mean It

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Things Not To Google... aka... Sometimes Two Smart People Equals One Really Really Stupid One

I might not win a Weblog Award but it looks like I might win 10 to 20 in the "Big House".

Finding Myself In A Bit Of A Pickle

I know what you are thinking... "Mrs F when is something not going down over there?" Word. I've got a way about me it seems. Most people don't actually tell each other their feelings. Maybe there is something to that.

VOTE FOR MRS F.... The Only Blogger Who Busts Her Butt For Her Audience

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I'll concede that there is no chance in hell I'll take home 1st place... or 2nd... or 3rd. But it is a close race in the middle... really, really, close. If we all work together I could easily take 4th. I might not be able to walk away as The Best Diarist of 2008 but I can certainly walk away as the best of the mediocre diarists! Let's do it!!


I just took 4th!!! Awesome!!! I really needed that!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Voting Once, Voting Twice, Voting Chicken Soup With Rice

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It turns out I'm getting my ass kicked... and we all know I'm in no condition to put up with that right now.

The Long Awaited Oprah Discussion

When Oprah gave her big confessional it was everything I thought it would be. A dramatic narration that didn't come anywhere near breaking the surface of her actual issues. I don't care if Oprah reveals those publicly or not but I do think giving a cavalier gloss over and saying she needs to "love" herself more, as she schedules herself an evening manicure, is a bit simplified and not necessarily helpful to the millions of viewers who tune in for actual help and guidance.

I was watching this episode with my mother which was interesting since she and O have a fair amount in common in this department. There have been many times when my mother has stopped working on her weight and claimed "I just want to be healthy I don't care how much I weigh". Well that's really nice and kumbaya of you but it's also a lie. I think some people might actually fall into that category but I doubt a single emotional eater does. If you are an emotional eater your weight is a reflection of unprocessed feelings. There is no possible way for you to be *happy* and *healthy* and significantly overweight for your body. The very fact that Oprah is still battling her weight means she is at a minimum emotionally & psychologically unhealthy. So I'm not buying it... physical health is only half of the battle. If Oprah had said "I just want to be happy and whatever weight that is is fine" that would have been one thing and I would have stood behind that message whole heartedly.

Like my mom, I believe Oprah has an internalized negative self image (probably from her early sexual abuse) that tells her she isn't worthy of having it all. It is this internalized view that keeps her from being able to maintain a healthy weight. It isn't because Oprah wasn't valuing her physical body enough (as she claimed) or making enough time for herself. Those are just symptoms of the internal voice that is working hard to keep her from succeeding in every area of her life. It doesn't matter if you are my mom, or the one of the world's most famous women, it doesn't matter how successful you are in every other part of your life, if you feel badly about yourself you cannot be completely happy. Loving your toenails isn't the same as loving the inside part that is truly broken. And I left the episode feeling like Oprah just didn't get it. She needs to schedule a therapy appointment not a manicure.

We've all got some issue...I haven't met someone yet with a perfectly healthy confident self esteem. Self sabotage is rampant. It's one thing to lose weight it is another to keep it off. It isn't that the process of dieting became harder it's because your inner voice, the part you had to overcome, comes out of hiding. It's always there in the background but when you are losing weight (and really getting the ball rolling) you have so many successes it's easy to mute out the message or believe you have finally proven it wrong. Once you're at maintence level the loss stops and you have to keep going without all the weekly slaps on the back. That's when the voice gets louder. Just one temptation makes sense... you've earned it... look how well you've done (that's the voice talking). And then you're on the path of self loathing one more time.

But it isn't all futile. I really like how Bob Greene kept saying "you never figure it out". That's just it. You're never cured. You have to always work to identify that negative internalization and figure out for yourself why it is there. Knowing doesn't make it go away though. It just makes it easier to tune out. It makes it so that when you give in to temptation you can acknowledge that you are doing it, not because you deserve the reward, but because you are giving into a self sabotage. And that knowledge starts to give you strength to reach for the real reward... and that is loving yourself (manicure or not).

Did You Cast Your Vote Today?

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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Grocery Chronicles Continue

"Did you go to Greenlife [grocery store] and return the half & half (it was rotten)? Mrs F asks Mr F this afternoon.

"Yes." Mr F replies.

"Did you promptly buy yourself some jammers (jam filled biscuits)? Mrs F asks jokingly.

nervous laughter

"Did you?!!" Mrs F asks incredulously.

"Yes" Mr F mumbles out guiltily.

"I can't believe you!" Mrs F says with shock.

"You can't go shopping anymore when you're hungry" She concludes.

Looks Like Someone May Need A Service Dog

"Okay, you're going to go down the salad dressing aisle. You're looking for canola mayo." Mrs F says to Mr F over the phone.


"Okay I see the mayo. Canola mayo?" Mr F asks.

"Yes, CANOLA mayo." Mrs F confirms.

"Okay, now you need to get the smoked salmon. You're going to head straight back to the end of the store." Mrs F instructs.


"All the way back. There's a cooler with the pig products: bacon, ham. The smoked salmon is on the left side." Mrs F clarifies.

"I see trout. Smoked trout." Mr F says.

"No. Salmon. The wild salmon. It's hanging up." Mrs F says.

"Wild sockeye salmon?" Mr F asks.

"Yes, wild sockeye salmon." Mrs F says slowly.

"Okay now you're going to get the ground turkey. It's in the case across from the meat counter. It's in a package." Mrs F says.

"Turkey thighs?" Mr F asks.

"No. GROUND TURKEY." Mrs F clarifies.

You see how this is going.

That's just 3 items people.

This is how it is practically every time Mr F goes to the store. Typically fifteen minutes into the conversation I have to say something like..."I'm sorry I can't take this anymore. Just call me when you get to the checkout and we'll review."

Monday, January 5, 2009

The Polls Are Open

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Is It Wrong...

That I'm secretly hoping that when Mr F goes downtown today to retrieve his car from the lot (where I parked it before the ice skating incident) he'll find it's been stolen?

That when Kid's school called today to offer doing a food tree for us my first thought was... "Cha Ching!" ? (My second thought was damn hippies... it'll probably all be tofu lasagna)

Voting Is OPEN!!!
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Not so subtle right?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Hired Help

"I hope you don't expect me to do this every day of my life." Kid mumbles as she loads the dryer.

Fat Butt

Well it turns out that if you don't move (at all) you need a lot less calories to maintain your weight. I've learned this the hard way... as I've been gaining EVERY single day since I broke my ass. It's not just the lack of workouts, I'm typically a pretty active gal throughout the day, so logic would tell you that I should be eating less now that I'm laid up. Unfortunately my biggest eating signal is boredom. And, well, I've been just a tad bored lately.

I know I shouldn't worry about my weight and should focus on recovery... but... that isn't going to happen. I tried that for the first week and I have to say it isn't helping my whole disposition to also feel out of control regarding my weight. I need to take some responsibility for the constant stream of gingerbread men that have been marching down my throat. I need to figure out exactly how much I can eat without gaining while lying on the couch all day. I fear it might be dramatically less than I'm used to.

Mr F just said "At least you should have the confidence that you can take off whatever you put on when you're better." Hmm... well I don't. Bodies change. I'm two years older. Our will power ebbs and flows. What if I'm never recovered enough to workout as hard as I used to? I don't want to lie around starving myself, but I don't want to make my situation any harder either. Gaining unnecessary weight isn't helping me heal... I'm just taking advantage of the situation to sabotage myself. And it's worked. I'm not just in pain, now I feel badly about myself for giving into stupid mindless eating, and I feel badly every morning when I have to stuff myself into my ever shrinking clothes.

I might not be able to lose this weight without exercise but I can certainly make an effort to stop gaining it. What else do I have to do? Twelve weeks in someone else's life might not seem like very long... but anyone who has seen me pregnant knows that twelve weeks for me while lying around in misery can result in a startling weight gain. Since I'm not walking away from this with a baby I'd kind of like to not look like I am either.
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