Unfortunately I'm Tired

Dear World,

I'm so tired this week.  Dealing with my sister over the last 3 weeks, every moment a crisis with the weight of an actual life on the line was... well... extremely draining.  I hadn't slept through the night, always on call, and was pretty much existing on pure cane sugar.  That crisis while not averted still looms large and painfully constricts my thoughts.  She went back, and it's depressing.  It is literally depressing me, feeling so hopeless.  I have to work every single day not to let the frustration make me grow angry and shut myself off to her.  There is an overwhelming urge to do that.  To throw up all the time and energy and money we put into helping her and slam the door.  It isn't recognized, it won't be recognized, it may never be acknowledged and anger can make you focus on that.  On YOU.  But it wasn't ever done to bring us recognition it was done to show her love and support.  And you can only love and support someone where they are at.  And right now, she is back there.  And I have to keep answering the phone and being open minded and understanding and hoping that in doing so... one day... she'll believe she can have something more from this life.

So that is always simmering.  Sometimes on the back burner, but usually on the front.  Our house is suffering, our diets are suffering, our sleep is suffering, my parenting is suffering... our cats are suffering for crying out loud.  It is so hard to help her when the help is keeping her there.  I feel like I'm on an episode of Intervention and I know I shouldn't "love her to death" but at the same time if I alienate her now there will not be another chance.  Mr F who had so valiantly given of himself is, truthfully, a bit angry and frustrated.  He'd like to move on to other crises... I'm not sure I can move on.  In fact I feel strongly that I can't.  I'm too scared that their good phase is *too good* and am afraid of how it will end... I am constantly waiting for that call.

Meanwhile, my heart is breaking for my grandmother.  She fell ON THE SAME DAY that my sister had the first very big scary fight.  This stuff has been concurrent every step of the way and the one I deemed life threatening and poured all my energy into (every single day) was not the one in danger of dying.  I'm shocked.  So shocked and saddened and overwhelmed by it all.  And, unfortunately, I'm coming into this from a extremely beaten down emotional place.  There was no break to come up for air and I'm feeling pretty depressed, to be perfectly honest.  Life has been rough, and stressful, and disappointing, and literally life & death for a couple of weeks... and it is very hard to sustain that level of stress for an ongoing period of time.  Hard to be so emotionally distracted and still show up for LIFE... making lunches, washing uniforms, checking homework, remembering that it is "Wacky Hair Day", figuring out the ridiculously complicated benefits choices for open enrollment at Mr F's work, and trying to figure out how and when we can decorate for Christmas.

It seems that I'm always waiting for a crisis to end, to finally take a breather, maybe have a year where it is just a *normal* life.  Without a tornado, new job, new school, broken arm, abused sister, and now dying grandmother.  I'm sure I've missed some things.  We have not had a year without at least one major transition (usually several more), or major medical stress in... well... I'm not sure we have since we left NY.... 11.5 years ago!

There are a lot of things I can't control.  But I'm working on recognizing the things that I can.  My sister's situation is legitimately stressful... dealing with her/my family was surprisingly the MOST stressful part... and that is something I could have avoided or truncated and should not have let it takeover.  I need to choose to disengage from stressful people and relationships and let them think what they will, without feeling I need to defend myself all the time.  I'm fairly sure Julie wouldn't defend her actions if she knew that her motives were in the right place.  I need to stop wasting my life on that.  I waste SO MUCH time on that.

So, anyway, if you are a non-toxic person in my life, just know that I'd like to spend more time with you.  I don't mean to ignore you... it 's just that toxic people tend to take up all the room and I haven't had the strength of character to walk away.  You know... "Oh, nice person that genuinely likes me, I'm sorry I can't have a relationship with you, I'm too busy defending my perfectly reasonable life choices to an asshole that hates me".  It's laughable, but also so sad that so much of my life really has been devoted to that.  I am trying to do better.  I'm trying to see a situation for what it is and let it go... to disengage.  A lot of my close relationships have been modeled on a pretty negative one (my father) and being in the struggle all the time to get someone to like me, see me, recognize me is always about that core relationship.  It draws me to people who are guaranteed not to.  I'm knocking down that first domino now and hoping that the rest will tumbled down in quick succession.  I think that I'll breathe easier when I realize that it is much easier to surround yourself with people that REALLY DO LIKE YOU, than to try and convince people that don't that they should.

Sincerely,
Mrs F

PS I was really excited about sending out Christmas boxes... not sure if that is feasible or not this year... but keep an eye on the blog.  If I can, I'll give one away.

Mr F Stayed Home Today And That Is Saying Something

It could have to do with finding me keening on the bedroom floor

I'm not doing well, and I'm not in the space to even pretend that I am

the tornado, and the construction, and the insurance fights, and the contractor mishaps, which all result in a needed hypervigilance that I no longer have the energy for

and Mr F left on a business trip to San Francisco, followed directly by his being gone all the following week for 'closing week', then without a breath in between I was sent to girl scout prison camp, and now Mr F is preparing to leave for France...

all tidying up one of the worst months of my life

and I'm still having to do all the stuff, the homeschooling, and cooking, and laundry, and grocery shopping, and bill paying, and construction management

and worrying about the workmanship and the money

and how much I just want to go back in time have this never have happened

and I just don't have anything left inside

when things go bad I'm always left alone

it feels like the most horrifically long fight to the death

and it turns out they're winning

and I'm dying

to top it all off I had the roofers throw away our DirecTV satellite...  and now all I want in the world is to lie on the coach cloaked in a blanket and watching mindless TV

and there is that part of me that always appears competent and on top of things

and so no one sees, not even Mr F

that, really, I need the help

Good News Bad News

"Do you want cookies?" asks Mr F

"When do I not want cookies?" Mrs F replies

So at least there will be cookies....

Mental State

I'm not doing well today.
I have done everything I can to try and not dwell on the surgery. I scheduled it right as soon as possible so there would be less time to obsess. I have really been able to keep it in my back pocket until now. With less than 48 hours to go I am losing it. Losing. It. For real people. I don't want to do this again. It is all I can do right now not to go get Kid from school strap her into the car and run away. I don't want to have her have another surgery. Really. Really. I don't.

I got her off to school and then just felt like "I don't want to go on... I want to lie down in this muddy puddle and let the grief just sweep over me." I put Baby back in the car and headed to Target since I had prescriptions to pick up. Nothing like already fearing the worst for you child and then having to go get her life saving emergency medicine! Not too easy to push things aside when doing that errand. I walked around the store in a complete fog... unable to remember what I was there for and unable take my usual comfort in ogling tons of crap that I neither need nor want. I debated buying hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to redo Kid's bedroom... but didn't. Not that I feel particularly triumphant about that. It might have given me something to throw myself into for the next two days and frankly I'd pay any amount of money for that kind of a distraction.

On Thursday we will take her back to the hospital. She will don a cute old fashioned circus hospital gown. I will take her into the operating room and smile and say cheerfully "Okay I'll see you when you wake up. I LOVE YOU." while she goes under and I try to hold in my sobs until I am escorted from the room. There is a little bathroom in the hallway on the way back to the waiting area. You can lock yourself in there and weep for a few minutes in the dark. There isn't any kleenex in there only that thin rough toilet paper.

Keeping It Real

Hitting The Wall

How can a day be both so up and so down?
Today was a great day on the blog. I felt I was making some headway and starting to work on improving my life. Hell I even busted out a new dance move.
But that was then and this is now...
I'm about to have a complete break down. I feel depressed and overwhelmed and disappointed. I realize much of this is due to my serious state of sleep deprivation. Baby has been up (literally... and when I say that I mean that) a minimum of 10 times every night for 2.5 weeks. I just can't do it anymore and I want to fall on the floor in a fit of sobs. Her top teeth are finally breaking through (she has only had her two bottom teeth for the last 5 months) and I'm hoping that this bad phase will end. But apparently not tonight. Right now I'm exhausted and it is all I can do to contain my strong desire to start screaming and slamming doors and walking off. If I had anywhere to go... believe me I would go... right now.
I'm done. It is too much. I need a break.