Friday, January 4, 2008

Hitting The Wall

How can a day be both so up and so down?
Today was a great day on the blog. I felt I was making some headway and starting to work on improving my life. Hell I even busted out a new dance move.
But that was then and this is now...
I'm about to have a complete break down. I feel depressed and overwhelmed and disappointed. I realize much of this is due to my serious state of sleep deprivation. Baby has been up (literally... and when I say that I mean that) a minimum of 10 times every night for 2.5 weeks. I just can't do it anymore and I want to fall on the floor in a fit of sobs. Her top teeth are finally breaking through (she has only had her two bottom teeth for the last 5 months) and I'm hoping that this bad phase will end. But apparently not tonight. Right now I'm exhausted and it is all I can do to contain my strong desire to start screaming and slamming doors and walking off. If I had anywhere to go... believe me I would go... right now.
I'm done. It is too much. I need a break.


Julie said...

Hey, let's meet for a coffee over at Starbucks and then hit Whole Foods and walk around and look at the pretty produce. Damn, I wish I did live near you...I'd watch Baby and Kid and let you sleep. I so wish someone did that for me when my boys were wee ones.

Good luck on getting some sleep tonight. I totally understand with the sleep deprivation. I remember how messed up that was.

Robin said...

I'm so sorry. As a former nursing mama, I understand how devistating the sleep deprivation can be. I wish I had a solution for you, but since Baby doesn't do bottles, I'm not sure what you can do. Is Mr. F going to be around this weekend? Maybe you can get a nap or two.

I know it doesn't help now, but it will pass. I wish I could do something to help.

Torey said...

Oh I totally feel for you. I can't even imagine having to do it while taking care of an older child too!!

Can Mr. F give it a go tonight? I've found that Guppy sometimes FREAKS if he sees (or hears, or smells. . .) me, but will chill out for Dad much easier.

I'm sorry it's been rough. I can understand the wanting to just walk out. Maybe now would be a good time to take Baby out for a stroll around Kroger or something. Just get you out of the house. Maybe a car ride and a stroller ride will chill Baby out. AND think of all the dirty looks you would get from old ladies about having your baby out at 11 PM. Great fodder for your blog!!!

Good luck!!

Amy said...

It's the fricken pits to feel so tired and overwhelmed. Some days (and nights) the magnitude of it all can just make you want to give it all up. Although that feeling doesn't last very long. There's no way I'd ever want to be without my daughter. When you're the only mommy that can do the mommy things, there's no respite.

I'm sorry. I felt like that on NY's eve too...and bawled my head off, literally, crouched in the corner of the the dark.

(((((((((big squeezy hugs for you))))))).

Amy said...

If you're still up...go here for a little giggle.

You can't really see me in the back, but I'm wearing a rockin' black-polka dot miniskirt and aqua blue go-go boots.

katieo said...

Mrs. F. I have so been there. Mmmm, like a few months go been there. It sucks. Some nights I'd just go into the bathroom and bang my head against the wall out of shear frustration and exhaustion. There is absolutely nothing in the world like getting up at 7 a.m. with older siblings and a husband who is going to work when you have been up literally the ENTIRE night with the after day after day.

Our stints with repeated late night wakings (like a million a night) never lasted more than a week and my kids never really get teeth earlier than a year (I can't remember how old baby is...)

Anyway, GOOD LUCK.

emmyjw said...

I am constantly worried that I might be bipolar because no sleep + 24/7 kids + no help/time for yourself = crazy emotional rollercoaster...throw in a little hormonal influence and voila, here we go on the crazy train. You are so not alone. Any HONEST mom will tell you. Hang in ther Mrs.F, none of my 4 kids were good sleepers either but they do outgrow it eventually...

Heather said...

God I wish I lived closer, I'd sit for the kids anytime. But I think the idea of taking a drive with Baby F is a good one (although I know nothing about these things) -- it at least sounds good. Is she one of those kids who immediately falls asleep in the car? I also think the point about her chilling with Mr F makes sense (again in theory, since I have no experience here).

I know it'll get better. I hope it's soon.

Heather said...

If it's any consolation at all, your reality show is freaking hysterical. I just got caught up on the videos and I can't believe you were able to Bop It while Baby F and Kid F were all over you. Amazing. And Hilarious at the same time.

Cara said...

This will get better soon. I'm sorry! I hate the lack of sleep. I turn into a crazy person without it. You seem to be doing much better than I would be. I don't know how you do it, but you do it damn well!

Mrs. Furious said...

Thanks for all the support everyone.

It is 3:20 AM.... I am in the bathroom I just turned off the tub that I was running to muffle the sounds of my screaming. Seriously.

I asked Mr F to help me. To keep the baby as long as possible and that I needed at least 4 hours of sleep. I got less than 2 before he brought to me to nurse. Then he slept in the room right next door (why?!?) with her with the doors open so I heard her wake up an hour later... and then the next hour...which led me to march in and say "this is not working" and tell him to get out. She didn't even want to nurse. Then he stood hovering in the doorway creaking the floor... like that is going to help me sleep?!? So I just totally lost it. LOST IT. And he got mad at ME and went to bed.... WTF?!?! I'm having a psychotic break and you actually leave me with the baby and go to sleep?!?! So Mr F is NOT helpful. I don't know what his deal is or if he is just completely removed from ever being so sleep deprived that he doesn't GET it. I did ask him when in 5.5 years of parenting I have EVER asked him to help me like this... and he said NEVER.... so why this didn't seem important I don't know.
I seriously don't know how i'll get sleep.

moley said...

Oh Mrs F my heart goes out to you. Sleep deprivation is the most awful form of torture! Been there done that got the bloody t-shirt :-(

Men are such useless bastards aren't they? Although to be fair mine isn't too bad as they go, but it still amazes me that he can sleep through his kids cries and shouts in the night!

Is there nowhere Mr F could take the kids today so you can get some rest? Friends/ play barn/ shopping even?

If nothing else, at least hold on to the fact that IT WILL get better. She will start sleeping through. Cold comfort now I know, but just hang on in there.


Deborah said...

Years ago when my daughter (she's 20 now) was teething and fretting and crying all the time and not sleeping, my aunt (she's nearly 80 now) told me that her daughter (she's in her 40's now) just slept *all the time* when *she* was teething. She couldn't figure it out. Then she said how she used to rub Paragoric on her gums. Hello! Paragoric is an opiate which was available over the counter in those days to treat diarrhea. Well Duh. It's a wonder Baby didn't become a crackhead later in life in stead of just a stuck up hateful bitch. Whoops! Didn't mean to let that one slip out. Anyway, as far as Dad goes, forget it. My DH used to lie there and snore while I was feeding and rocking, then the next day tell me how he didn't sleep a wink. It's a miracle that marriages survive those early years. You feel very much like you may as well be a single Mom. In fact, it might be easier: one less child to deal with. Like everyone else, we've been there -- and wish we lived closer, we'd come over and let you get some rest!

Robin said...

Hey Mrs. F,
I'm sorry you had another bad night and that Mr. F isn't helping. Like others I wish I lived near you so I could watch you kiddos. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Then she said how she used to rub Paragoric on her gums. Hello! Paragoric is an opiate

LOL- My mom and aunt still talk about how much they loved Paragoric and how it's a shame its not still available.

MommyTime said...

Oh, Mrs. F. I'm so sorry. I was there when Son was a baby + horrific sleeper. I had a total freak out shouting, "I haven't slept more than two hours in three months" or three hours in four months, or something; I was so tired I don't even remember the numbers. But adult humans aren't supposed to sleep in 45 minute snatches. I actually left infant Son buckled into his carry-around carseat in the family room, SCREAMING, so that I could go into the other room and hurl cardboard boxes across the room and shriek. I terrified the dog and myself. This is serious. Sleep deprivation can literally drive you crazy. Neither Kid nor Baby really know me, so I don't know that I'd be much help as a sitter -- but I do live close. So PLEASE CALL if there's anything I can do. Email me at victeacher AT comcast DOT net or get my number from ang if I can help in any way. Hugs.

Mrs. Furious said...

Thank you so much (again) everyone.

You know I usually like to respond to everyone individually but I am exhausted and I'm not sure I have anything different to say to anyone.

Having all your comments has really been the highlight of this terrible time. SERIOUSLY. It has made a huge difference and without this lovely bunch of friends who I can reach out to in the middle of the night from the floor of my bathroom I would be much much worse off I assure you. I really appreciate all of you so much. Thank God I started blogging!

As soon as I get dressed and nurse Baby I'm out of here. I figure I need at least 4 hours to myself so I don't actually kill Mr F. Then hopefully I can get a good nap in later. At least this happened on the weekend.

Okay some comments need responses:

I need some Paragoric for me I'd sleep right through Baby's incessant wakings! Ok I'm too depressed and tired to lol but I am chuckling....

thank you. I'm hoping Mr F has seen the error of his ways (as explicitly laid out for him by me moments ago).

Danielle said...

I hope you get some much need "MRS F TIME"! I know how you are feeling. I work part time and I think the only way I made it through some of those rough days/nights was because I actually got to leave the house!?!
Don't be too hard on Mr F. He's a man for goodness sake. Men are good for a LOT of things, but when we break down, they lose the capability to think clearly. I'm sure he WANTS to help, but is just too dumb to know what to do!?! ;) (Kidding Mr. F)

Melanie said...

Oh GOD, do I KNOW your pain!!!!! I just had a baby in August and after a few months of pretty nasty colic (translation: near constant crying, needing to be held CONSTANTLY, only sleeping for about 20-30 minutes at a time) he had only just begun to sleep through the night (or at least from about 9 pm to 5 am) when he was diagnosed with RSV last week. The RSV has caused more sleepless nights, breathing treatments ever 4 hours, wrestling sessions to suction his nose and one trip to the emergency room. To top it all off I have a 7 y/o who is very jealous of all the attention the baby has gotten/is getting and she's acting out both verbally and behaviorally. To top THAT off I have a husband who MUST be your husband's long lost twin - seriously. He acts as if I am the baby's only parent and looks at me like I have the plague when I ask for some help. SO MANY DAYS I feel like just running away...just getting away from it all. I have this fantasy of running off to NYC and living the life I was "meant to live." Ha! I escape to the bathroom just to read for a few stolen moments, while my husband goes outside to smoke for 20-30 minutes many times a day. On what planet is that fair? I guess fair is a relative term and I guess I should know by now that fair doesn't apply to moms.

Take care of yourself, however you can. I've decided that I'm going to start taking the dog out for a walk every night - BY MYSELF.

Kid Art said...

Mrs F - your post is bringing it all back too vividly... persistent night waking is so awful. There is a reason that sleep deprivation is a method of torture!!

Hang in there - wish we were closer and could help out so you could have a well deserved rest.

Hope things got better today.


Mrs. Furious said...

Thanks again everyone.

Yesterday was a wee bit better and I ended up taking a unisom in the afternoon so I could take a nap w/o every little sound waking me up. That did work and I should have done it a LONG time ago. In case you are wondering it is an antihistimine and safe while b'feeding so it was fine. I did have her last night and she is still waking up CONSTANTLY but I was groggy enough that I could just fall straight back to sleep. My #1 problem is that I (of course) tend toward insomnia when sleep deprived so this did help. Thankfully this all happened on the weekend! Today I'm just going to try and get back into my regular routine so that tomorrow doesn't slap me in the face!

Melanie if you decide to head off to NYC call me! ;)

Deb said...

The physical strains of motherhood made me cry in my shower nearly every day for almost two weeks once, and THAT was when I was in my third trimester. I had no idea what was coming, obviously, or I would have been throwing ticker tape parades for just getting out of bed, rather than sobbing in my washcloth. Nursing is brutal, especially when you kiddo won't take a bottle (mine never did after 6 weeks of age), and it's you, you, you 24/7. The word "depleted" comes to mind.

I know this is late in coming, but I'm still sending some hugs your way, and I hope that little one of yours doesn't suffer much longer with teething.

Mrs. Furious said...

last night was a little better. I actually think that she was waking up even more because my milk supply dipped before my period. She did better last night and I feel 100% today so I think that a lot of this was related to my damn period and the sleep deprivation was making it impossible for me to rebound from the hormonal flux.

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