On The Road Again

Mr F headed out to NYC yesterday early AM.

He's meeting up with his long time friend for the weekend.

(I'm a little bit jealous)

The girls and I are heading back Up North,

rather than sit here feeling left out.

We're going to chill out with The Cougar and my cousins for a couple of days.

(no drama this time)

Be back in a few.

I Guess The Real Hurt

is not the words that were said.

(although they were fucking crazy)

(or even who said them)

It is the heartbreak that

the feelings aren't mutual.

That while I don't always like what my brother has done,

or the way that he treats me,

I have never stop wishing for him to be happy.

For him to feel loved.

For him to feel better.

And the truth is...

that I was the only one approaching the relationship from that place.

It has never once occurred to him to be happy for my happiness...

his only drive has been to try and devalue it.

And in the end,

there is nothing more disappointing than that.

He's always been so caught up in his offensive

that he never noticed

I wasn't the one who was doing the attacking.

And after so many years of his emotional roller coaster

I just want to get off.

Happy 4th.... or was it?

"Did the good weigh out the bad?" Mr F asks on our drive home.

"Well... there was a lot of bad." I reply worn out from the negativity.

Family get togethers are a mixed bag...

and some years that mix leaves a bad taste in your mouth

and

a cold, cold heart in your chest.

That can barely contain

the lava of rage

that is brewing and stewing inside it.

I think this year we'll be spending Thanksgiving with Mickey Mouse.

He can't talk to your face...

let alone behind your back.