Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Happy 4th.... or was it?

"Did the good weigh out the bad?" Mr F asks on our drive home.

"Well... there was a lot of bad." I reply worn out from the negativity.

Family get togethers are a mixed bag...

and some years that mix leaves a bad taste in your mouth

and

a cold, cold heart in your chest.

That can barely contain

the lava of rage

that is brewing and stewing inside it.

I think this year we'll be spending Thanksgiving with Mickey Mouse.

He can't talk to your face...

let alone behind your back.











17 comments:

Andrea said...

"Some people keep trying to break you in order to feel less broken" Never have there been more truer words that I needed to read than those.

Gigs said...

Seriously, whatever happened to live and let live? Sorry it sucked. I limited my family exposure to a day and a half, and that felt just about right to me...

Elizabeth said...

I'm sorry about that. Mom hinted that things had not all been fun and games.

Come stay with us! (oh. Maybe I should ask the rest of the family before saying that?)

Julie said...

Oh shit.

Mrs Furious said...

Oh it was NOT good. Permanently damaged relationship.

Never has someone said something as
disparaging about me (disrespectful, out of line, off base, just plain wiggity wack, completely crazy)

(well, except that one time my brother told me Mr F didn't really love me... but of course I've been married for 10 years and he's on his 4th life partner... so I'm pretty sure he's not the best judge of what love actually looks like)

I have 0 interest in maintaining any kind of relationship with this person, now.

Truthfully I had little to begin with.

Elizabeth said...

If it's who I think it is, you shouldn't even worry what this person says, they have no basis or standing to have any comments on what you do.

Mrs Furious said...

E,
Well, that is the straight up truth! I just have no respect for her now. She crossed the line.

Karen said...

oh, I am so sorry. Family is tough. I don't understand why it has to be that way. Mickey Mouse does sound good though.

Julie said...

Ugh.

Of course, I am sitting here wanting more, more, more...details. I know. I am lame.

(well, except that one time my brother told me Mr F didn't really love me.. Why? Because he doesn't beat you up? What a crazy thing for your brother to say.

Mrs Furious said...

Julie,
Oh I'll be revealing more. Don't worry!

My brother is an asshole. When his relationships are going badly (about every 3 years) he likes to to try and tear into mine. He's not exactly the most self aware person... I know he has a lot of anger and confusion about why I've been able to maintain a relationship and he hasn't. He wants there to be an easy answer like Mr F is whipped and couldn't actually enjoy being with me. If he did, well, then it would be all the harder for my brother to sit there and wonder why he keeps being left. He needs there to be something wrong with all of us. If I can be happily married... then.... maybe it really is him. He can't handle that. He doesn't want me to be more lovable. I get the injury... but... I've taken care of myself... that's why. He doesn't do the work, but wants the same result. At this point, with his relationship history, and mine, it's laughable that he even still tries to criticize it.

OH, and he also has idiotically been claiming my entire marriage long, that Mr F and I aren't fun (but we are prudish, dead weight, unfulfilled, unhappy, whatever) because we don't go out partying with him. Yes. We all know that the definition of having fun and being happily married is a need to get drunk.... all the time. If you don't want to spend your night drinking, then you surely aren't living the good life. It's one of those things where you want him to just hear what he is saying. It's so obvious it shouldn't even require being pointed out.

But, that isn't even what went down this weekend! There is more.

P/F -Amy said...

Dude, I just wrote a book (actually a Very. Long. Comment. even longer than this) to tell you that I have a VERY similar relationship with my sister.

You can deal with him.

I know that it sounds dumb, but my college boyfriend (now my husband) told me that I had permission to love my sister without having to actually like her.

It has still been so hard understanding her and why she is so hurtful. I lie in bed awake for weeks after a visit, trying to figure out how to deal with her. How to hold her at arms distance while still holding compassion for her in my heart. She is obviously very damaged, and though I feel a life without her would be much more peaceful - my relationship with her is a test of my compassion. A test of my patience and practice. While I do fail, and can snap a hurtful comeback to shut her up - I know that I'm going to suffer the guilt of that moment of weakness because she has already created a life of pain for herself.

When I visit family, I usually have to prepare myself for dealing with her because her negativity is so jarring after being away from her for many months. Treating my time with her as a learning experience has helped me deal with her much more rationally.

Mrs Furious said...

P/F,
agreed. My therapist is always telling me to enter these situations as an observer and try to just stay emotionally removed. My brother has been a difficult toxic person in my life, but I have worked to keep reengaging, mostly because I love his children so much. He is always easier to deal with when we don't live in MI. Here, it is just that couple of times a year too much, I guess. I had actually been really happy for him, since he had seemed to be in a better place. But, the current issue is his girlfriend/life partner... for some reason she has made a point as of late to focus on needing to rip into how I live my life (in her extremely uninformed opinion, seeing as I've maybe spent a couple of days a year with her ). I have no motivation to keep eating her shit. Obviously, I make her feel a wee bit insecure, and I don't actually care what her impression of me is (as in I don't care to be her friend anyway) but what she said is so crazy, and low, that it is just hard to have to sit in the same room with her now, since I don't want to engage her or get into even defending myself to her. She actually said that the only reason I like being around kids is so that I can feel more intelligent than someone else. (among other choice remarks about my lack of socialization (??) and intelligence (??) and reason to get out of bed in the morning (because loving your own children just isn't one of the possibilities, obviously). I do feel sorry for her, obviously no one chose her as a child. But I just don't know how I can spend time with someone who is putting so much energy into trying to degrade me. And it's difficult for me to know that someone with so much disdain for children and parenting (one of her favorite topics) is living with my nieces. I used to just not like her... now I actually hate her. I'm not sure how I can move past that. Of course my therapist is on vacation for another two weeks!!!

Julie said...

Wow, that's crazy about the girlfriend. I can not believe she would lash out at you. Especially with regards to parenting. She sounds like she has a lot of issues.

P/F -Amy said...

Everybody wants to call bullsh** on this woman's game.

Why does this type of person feel the need to share their 'truth' so freely? Do they not see that the attack puts more light on their own issues than the 'issues' they're trying to point out?

I wouldn't be lying if I told you that I have definitely bowed out of some large extended family gatherings where I knew alcohol was going to be a factor for my sister and a few other distant relatives. I remember being scared of this sh** as a kid, and I WON'T expose my kids to that mess - ever. It is not something a kid needs to learn to handle.

And I'm proud that my sister thinks I'm boring. Proud to find beauty in nature and the mundane. I enjoy the company of my husband and kids. They are fun, and this time is short. I don't want my lifestyle to be the same now as it was when I was 20; not judging, I'm just not the same person. I hope that I'll be different and more mature 20 years from now as well.

Just know there are lots of us out who have your back. At least the beach had to be amazing.

P/F -Amy said...

*lots of us out here

or

*lots of us who

not

*lots of us out who

:)

Mrs Furious said...

P/F,
"I enjoy the company of my husband and kids. They are fun, and this time is short. I don't want my lifestyle to be the same now as it was when I was 20"
word.

Deb said...

This makes my stomach churn, because the rawness of your words hits too close to home for me. I'm so sorry someone was such a jag-off to you. But you're right. They're trying to feel less broken. It's a shame they have to make other people feel like crap to do that. Hugs.

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