Thursday, July 7, 2011

I Guess The Real Hurt

is not the words that were said.

(although they were fucking crazy)

(or even who said them)

It is the heartbreak that

the feelings aren't mutual.

That while I don't always like what my brother has done,

or the way that he treats me,

I have never stop wishing for him to be happy.

For him to feel loved.

For him to feel better.

And the truth is...

that I was the only one approaching the relationship from that place.

It has never once occurred to him to be happy for my happiness...

his only drive has been to try and devalue it.

And in the end,

there is nothing more disappointing than that.

He's always been so caught up in his offensive

that he never noticed

I wasn't the one who was doing the attacking.

And after so many years of his emotional roller coaster

I just want to get off.


Elizabeth said...


sara said...

Beautiful prose. Almost like poetry. And that label. It was the sh*t.


Julie said...

sorry kiddo.

just so sorry. i hate this stuff.

Karen said...

That just stinks. I am sorry you feel so bad (although understandable). Some people just cannot be happy for other people. I don't understand it it just is. Take care.

Gigs said...

Sorry for the harsh words and feelings you endured. Just stay strong in knowing you are an awesome mom with a loving marriage and some sense of perspective on the source of those hurtful comments and actions. Wish it had been better for you.

Andrea said...

wow we are riding the same damn roller coaster. I'm sorry it sucks. For me it gets harder with each offense to let go because I feel I need to fix it. I need to find a support group where I can say Hi Im Andrea and I try to fix shit that can't be fixed!

wootini said...

I'm so sorry, Mrs.F - that really, really sucks.

inkelywinkely said...

I feel this, I really do. I was in the same situation with my mother. I eventually had to walk away.
Sometimes I want to be loved so much that I extend a fig leaf...and she rips it to shreds.

I am sorry, I know how it feels. Getting off the rollercoaster does help, though. BTW, I am pregnant, and it is a girl. First one for this family. We are super excited...and scared to death.

Deb said...

I wish I'd written that. Hugs. I'm so sorry.

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