Saturday, December 15, 2007

Perfecting My Perfectionism

It's the holiday season as you all know. For Mrs F this can be a stressful and anxiety provoking time.. but hey what time isn't?! I feel compelled to have everything done perfectly. But when your house looks like a cyclone just came through it.. at all times... it can be hard to ever achieve the perfection I strive for. I mean does it really matter that the tree is up and decorated if the floor is covered in toys and shredded Kleenex (thank you Canine & Baby for that) or mushed up crackers and cut in half raisins (or poop... can't always tell at first glance)?

Our house is out of control and a low level of stress and tension festers between Mr F and I because of it. My perfectionism can paralyze me, just as his ADD and MAN can paralyze him. I long to live in a house where everything has a home.. and for those of you who do it I commend you! I don't know how you do. Obviously it doesn't help that we have a smaller old home with no storage space... that our older daughter cannot throw out anything and that her collections of special rocks and McDonald's toys and paper scraps are overflowing the playroom... or that the baby loves to drag these collections around the house. This constant mess and overgrowth is legitimately stressful. Now it is the holidays and I am even more driven to want things to be *perfect*.... and at this point in our lives it just can't be done. And that is a hard pill for me to swallow.

So I am trying to just do what I can. To appreciate the damn china hutch and not bemoan that everything else looks so shitty. To accept that we can't morph into a different family.. a clean and organized one.... just because my idea of the holidays was taken out of a magazine. To make cookies with Kid and not put it off until everything else is done first. Maybe I'll put a bow on top of the pile of mail that will constant sit on my desk no matter how many times I try to clear it off.

We all know that the holidays are not about perfect, that the decorating isn't about decorating, that the gift buying, and the cookie baking are not supposed to be stressful. That this is a time when you should turn to your family and celebrate what you have and share it with others. Sometimes that is just a little hard to remember, and even harder to do. I for one struggle to have good enough actually be good enough... and to remember that no one will ever look back and judge me for not having done a picture perfect decorating scheme... or even if my house was clean... and that if I am lucky my kids will look back at the holidays as a magical time... and that comes from love and not lights!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Christmas Decorating... Phase One

My Snow Globe collection
Kid's Nutcracker collection (thank you Target)
Playroom window treatment
a little closer... pompom cardinals
Chandelier treatment with China Hutch in background
a little closer on the China Hutch Christmas bulb treatmentand closerand closer

The Time Has Come

So Wednesday night while in baby class somehow the grocery store armed robbery came up.. and I was reminded of how raw that really still is for me.. even a year later.
Those of you who know me may already know this story, those of you who are regular readers may have heard me allude to it in the past.

Well the time has come for the whole story, maybe this will finally bring me some closure....

Last Fall was not a *good* time for me. I was very pregnant, and being me, that means I was humongous. By the end of November I was about 170 lbs... so you can imagine that is a lot on my frame. I was uncomfortable... and oh yeah I was stressed out. Kid had just had her second seizure and I was not sleeping (at all) due to the combination of unbearable heartburn, and unbearable grief. The end of my pregnancy was so stressful that I truly did fear I might somehow be damaging the baby and in fact I was under so much stress that I had been having regular contractions since September. I am not joking, hours of contractions 3-5 minutes a part several times a week. This situation was just about to get a whole lot worse... I just didn't know it...

The Saturday after Thanksgiving Mr F, Kid, and I piled into the car and headed to the strip mall. I needed to do some grocery shopping and Mr F and Kid were going to head into the Blockbuster for a movie.

I went to the grocery store. I entered the front of the store (by the registers) and then turned right and proceeded to snake my way all the way around the store ending in dairy (to the left of the registers). I had just come to the front end of the aisle when I heard a woman yelling at her son... kind of hysterically.. and I remember thinking some bad thoughts about her. I couldn't see her and it sounded like she was in one of the first checkout lanes by the doors.

Less than a second later I have a funny feeling and everyone stops moving and gets down. A cashier in the lane right in front of me comes running (while squatting) and says "get down he's got a gun" (just so you know even writing that makes me cry). From where I am at the end of the store in front of the last two registers I cannot see the gunman and realize that it was his cashier who was yelling and that they are in the first few checkout lanes. Our store is not big... but I can't see past the checkout lane displays. So in this moment, in the very instant, that I realize what is happening I scan the store. To my right is a doorway that leads to the recycling... but I don't want to get trapped... and I don't know where it goes or if there is one gunman or more than that.. or if they would see me(likely). But I do know one thing I am not staying here and getting shot. I had been watching The Nine, which was about hostages, which although escalated my fears... did motivate me to get the hell out. I was not about to wait and see what was going to go down. And really they say you have a fight or flight response to danger and writing this out makes it seem like it took much longer than it took for me to KNOW that I was making a run for it somehow.

So as the cashier runs past me... I turn leaving my purse and cart and run back down the dairy aisle toward the back of the store. I am safe while in the diary aisle. At the end of the aisle I will have to make a right and go in front of a few aisles, making it possible to get shot, but then I can go into the back of the store where the loading docks are. I decide it is worth it and run. I see a mom & her son and wave them to come. We get to the back. Now I have a sudden panic that maybe they are escaping through the back and an accomplice might be out at the loading docks. Luckily there are 3 workers in the back, one of them a manager. It turns out those doors are locked and without him we couldn't have gotten out. I am more than a little wound up and trying to quietly demand that he let us out. He is obviously bewilderd but reluctantly opens it. Now we run. RUN. I run as fast as I can while sobbing all down the back of the complex. Being pregnant, and not too quick, everyone takes off and I am pretty quickly alone doing this. Before everyone got to the end of the complex there was a Domino's delivery guy waiting outside the Domino's back door. A woman told him what was going on but then said NOT to call 911 yet. If you watched The Nine, you would have understood her point, and I was thinking "good one"... you don't want to panic him and have him actually start shooting.

I turn the corner. Domino's is at the close end and Blockbuster is at the far end. I just wanted to get to Blockbuster and see Kid and Mr F. I was tired and crying and NOBODY stopped to ask me if I was okay (wtf? I could have been in labor!). But I was still panicked and had a worst case scenario that the gunman/men might go crazy and shoot up another store (it happens!). I finally get to Blockbuster (I should note that at this point it has been about 2 minutes since I started running out the store).

As soon as I approach the window I am struck with the realization that they might not be in Blockbuster anymore. Now very panicked and anxious I scan the store. THEY ARE NOT IN THE STORE!!!! I had the car keys in my purse so they couldn't have gone to the car. THEY WENT IN THE GROCERY STORE to look for me. I don't know what to do. I know there is a gunman in the store with my family.. with my baby. I had never in my life even contemplated a horror like this. I head towards the store, why I don't know, because I just can't wait for them not knowing. As I turn to approach the store a man in black stands in the sidewalk in front of the grocery store, he is holding a duffel bag, he shakes his head "no" at me. I don't know if he is warning me or if he is an accomplice or what. I turn around and fall on the ground in convulsive sobs. I am helpless and terrified and I can't get to me child.

A moment later a car pulls over in front of the Blockbuster. An older man gets out and helps me up. He says "Are you looking for your daughter and your husband?" How does he know that?! I am suspicious of everyone, I am paranoid. "yes" I sob. He says "I know where they are" and takes my hand and starts trying to lead me toward the grocery store. I'm freaking out and feeling like an animal being dragged toward a slaughter house. "no there is a gunman in there!" I shout. "No there is not." he calmly replies. Then my mind is spinning.. there's not? was it a fake gun... who is this man? is he in cahoots?

Just then to our left we see two policemen slowly walking through the parking lot toward the store with their guns raised. SHIT. This shit is about to go down and my family is in there. There is a gunman. This is true. This is happening.
As they pass the cars I see Kid and Mr F crouched and hiding in the parking lot. I am both relieved and terrified. They are safe... but they are not safe there. The cops see them and let them run to me. We were then locked into a coffee shop to wait it out. I felt like I would go into labor or have a heart attack or both. I have never been under so much stress and anguish in my life... including during Kid's seizures. Knowing that something terrible is happening, or fearing that it will, and not being able to stop it is the worst feeling in the world.

No one was injured that day. The gunman fled on foot. He was never found.
I had 3 episodes of early labor in the weeks that followed. My blood pressure rose 30 points.

I tried to get over my fear and go back to that store. I began crying uncontrollably in the parking lot. It has been over a year and I have never been back to that complex. Ever.


I completely forgot to give you Mr F's take... maybe he'll be kind enough to put it in the comments.
But yes he and Kid did enter the grocery store during the holdup. They were right in front of the gunman and Mr F did some fast thinking of his own and fled with Kid.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Looks Like Kid Is A Little More Techno-Savvy Than I Anticipated

Hey look what I found on my desktop...

It turns out Kid already figured out how to work the Photo Booth Feature on my MacBook!

Look Who's Furious Now

Angie called this morning looking for Pedialyte.. Uh Oh... looks like her little bud has got the stomach flu now too! A little while later she called back suggesting I write a post about Splenda in juice... well... you know that shit pisses me off... but seeing as Angie was about to burst with rage I suggested she write her own post.
Here's Angie in all her rage...

Okay, this could be a short story or a long story. But since I am so flustered and my baby is sleeping and I am no mood to do the work that I should be doing, it's going to be a long story.

I went into my son's bedroom this morning (he's almost 2). Immediately I was hit with the rancid smell of vomit. It was everywhere. But he was super happy so we debated about whether to take him to day care. He sucks his middle two fingers when he sleeps so we thought he might have accidentally gagged himself. But then he had a runny diaper, so I decided to keep him home. Luckily I did, because in the following 2 hours he had 6 or so diarrhea diapes (one of which was so bad that it immediately ended up all over MY pants as we were snuggling. He also threw up once--and yes all over me because we were still snuggling.

So I figure, this kid needs pedialyte. I decide to call my husband and ask him to run and get it, because this kid is puking or pooping every 5 minutes and there is no way I want to try to go and get it. But, NOOOOO, that's not going to work. Because I have the car. Where is our 2nd car? Oh, that would be 150 miles away in my hometown. Why is it there you ask? Because on thanksgiving night, we hit a deer headon going 55 miles an hour. Luckily we were all safe (and even better our son was not with us as it was 11p at night and we had just ATTEMPTED to see a movie that was sold out--the person in front of us bought the last ticket). Anyway, our car was badly injured and they are still fixing it. So I have the only car and thus I must attempt to go the store to get it.

We get about 2 minutes from home and he vomits all over himself and the car. He actually pukes like 3 times. So I head home, change him, and head out again. We make it to Target this time. And believe it or not, the above is not what I am frustrated about.

I am bopping around the store as quickly as I can for the reasons described above. I grab pedialyte. I grab more diapers. Then go and grab some juice. The nurse at our pediatrician's office recommends combining the plain pedialyte with some white juice--masks the taste and if he pukes again it will not be bright red crap on the couch. So I grab the only white juice (white cranberry) that i see and head to the check out. Oh yea, i take a minute to find the doritos, because I need my comfort food.

All is well, no puking, no pooping. We make it safely to the car.

Then I get home to mix the juice and pedialyte. But then i notice 2 distrubing facts. First the "juice" is only 24% juice. UGH!! Now, I rarely buy juice for the i don't remember i am suppose to triple check this. But i figure, ah heck, that's okay he's sick. I am not going to obsess on this.

But then I notice the other little thing on the label. The splenda label. Seriously??? Splenda in juice. WHY??? Do we really need to put splenda in kid's juice. Do we need fake sugar in juice?? Seriously. Now I am a diet dr. pepper/diet coke fanatic. I gave it up the entire time i was pregant and most of the time i was nursing. I think the fake sugar stuff is bad for you. And I sure in hell don't want to give it to my baby. So I am livid. But he is asking for something to drink and he's tired and i don't want to take him out again (how likely would it be that my luck would last and he wouldn't end up puking all over us at the store) so i give it to him.

So I ask you...or you as freaked about giving splenda to kids as I am? Do you think that adding fake sugar to juice is totally ridiculous and stupid. I mean come on, it's juice! There's natural good sugars in there. Do we really have to a society where splenda is in everything.

Thanks for listening. I feel better already. And thanks Mrs. F for giving me a forum for my frustration.

Mrs. F here...
I do NOT give my children artifical sweeteners nor do I consume them myself at all when I am pregnant or breastfeeding.

Some links on artificial sweeteners HERE andHERE and HERE

Now I do want to note that I do not have a problem with Diabetics using artificial sweeteners (either does Angie).

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Long Day

Kid "You're not nice, you're not nice, you're not nice."

Mrs F "I'm not trying to be nice."

This Week The Plan

Well I just got home from the dentist and the grocery store. Baby is sleeping in the car.. where she will hopefully STAY asleep for the next few minutes before I have to go get Kid from preschool. Don't worry it isn't that cold toady and I go check on her every four minutes! But I really want to get this done and posted since I do ... yes I really do... find my week is a LOT less crazy and hectic when I do a plan.

So I was just sitting down to weigh in on all the broccoli hate from this morning and finally get around to posting my plan when what do I see all over the Oriental rug? Yes dog shit.. and not just shit that you can pick up... vile disgusting liquid poop. I'm just leaving it. I cannot even deal with the gagfest of cleaning it right now... and since Baby is safely off the floor I'm putting it off until I get this done. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate him?

Okay onto the plan:

(In the next two weeks I think I'm going to increase takeout and cut myself some massive slack as I just can't make a stocking, and handle everything else, and cook, with both kids trying to electrocute themselves with the Christmas lights... I just can't do it!)

Monday - Pot Roast w/ noodles and steamed carrots

Tuesday - Tortellini w/ Bacon & Peas and steamed broccoli

Wednesday - Kid & Mr F date night

Thursday - Pork tenderloin w/ rice pilaf and green beans

Friday - Meatball Soup w/ pesto bread

Saturday - takeout

Sunday - Salmon Noodle Casserole


I'm trying to figure out what I can do to stay in maintenance mode while not losing any of my endurance... but keeping in mind that the next 2 weeks are a little busy.. so I'm going to do 3 cardio sessions of 60-80 minutes each. I'm also going to finally get back on board with my pilates training and plan to do 2 full session on the reformer/trap table.


Obviously I need to spend a little more time vacuuming under the dining room table!
Other than that I need to do all the laundry and (gasp) unpack from Disney World (what?! It is summer clothes!)
I already (mostly) cleaned off my desk, paid bills, and just have some filing to do.

Christmas Readiness:
(Big Time lowered standards in this department. Tree is up... but Baby is only 10 months old and "no" is meaningless.. it isn't going to be very *decorated* this year. I'm also just trying to be more zen and less "ahhhhhhhh" about it all and everything looks great as is.. we don't need to bring up all 6 freaking bins of Christmas crap this year.)

*Pick up the xmas cards and address envelopes
*Write or "ghost write for Mr F" our Xmas letter (of course we send one.. what did you expect?)
*Finish decorating
*Buy more red felt for Baby's stocking and notions (yes I did my layout and made my patterns!!!)
*Finish online shopping!
*Make some cookies

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

More Firsts For Baby

Baby had her first Oreo....
courtesy of the floor under Kid's dining room chair.


My weight has been going down all week. Good? I'm not so sure and at this point I find it a bit baffling. I'm pretty thin and I don't need to be thinner. When I first started blogging I wrote this about my cousin and her badass physique. My fancy scale gave her a metabolic age of twelve.. she is 38. Yeah that is badass. At the time I still had a bit of weight to lose and it gave me a metabolic age of 27...I am 31. Well I'm sure you can see where this is going.. today I received the same reading... I too have a metabolic age of 12. And shit I probably weighed 110 when I was twelve for crying out loud!

So at this point my metabolism is through the roof and I am eating more than 2000 calories a day and even with taking 5 days off from exercise last week I still lost weight. This is my decision: And it is with some mixed feeling I say this but I am going to suspend my food diaries until I find my weight goes up above 113. I feel mixed because I am a huge proponent of keep a food diary and I truly believe it is something ANYONE can do EVERYDAY to keep themselves on track. I think it is a simple, free way to monitor your food intake. And I think for some people it may be motivating to see that I do this even on bad days and eventhough I no longer need to lose any weight. It is the number one reason I have steadily lost 1-2 lbs a week(48 lbs) for 8 straight months (no joke)... and remember that is not counting the 20 lbs I lost after having the baby in February.. this is just the weight that didn't come off on its own. Having said all that I am a very conscious eater and I think at this point in order to get to a place where I need to be calorie wise I need to eat more than I would if I was tracking it.

Right now I'm going to focus on enjoying the holidays and eating a balanced diet and eating what I need to eat to be satisfied. I think my trip to Disney was eye opening for me in that it made it pretty clear that with a certain level of activity food really isn't so much of an issue (for me). So my plan for December is to enjoy Christmas guilt free...not to eat like a pig... but not to obsess over exactly how many ounces are in each slice of cake either. I am, however, going to recommit to my fitness goals as I do believe that, for me, this is the much bigger indicator of whether or not I am going to be able to maintain my weight. For the next few weeks I'm going to strive to hit 3 long cardio workouts and start adding the pilates back in.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Dance Medals?! You Have Got To Be Kidding Me..

I know what you are thinking.. "Mrs F is finally getting recognized for her skills on the dance floor!" No. Sorry to disappoint. Kid is though. "Hmmm... I never knew Kid was in a dance competition?" Yeah... she's not.

When I went to Kid's Rec&Ed dance class this Friday I saw all the moms (and not to alienate anyone out there but it does need to be said.... I am at least 10 years younger then everyone else and I have the oldest girl in the class!) gathered around The Queen Freak Mom giving her five dollar bills and oohing over something in a plastic bag. Now we missed last week's class as we were in Disney and I had no freaking clue what was going on. It was clear that I owed someone money for something but no one was cluing me in on it. While I sat there holding a crying and sick Baby I gathered that The Queen Freak had taken it upon herself to order "Dance Medals" for the girls to be given at the end of class next week. Say What?!? I can't begin to express how infuriated this makes me. This is not a dance class taught through a dance school where you all gather in a local auditorium while little girls put on over priced tutus and dance for all their friends and families. This is an 8 week Red&Ed class... I love their teacher.... but let's be really clear this is the 1st step towards dance class. THe teacher has clearly had some dance training.. but she is not a professional dancer. This is the class you graduate to after you've taken the "Mommy & Me" dance class. This class is 45 minutes long and you drop them off... but... YOU DO NOT LEAVE THE BUILDING. And if you are the "other moms" you do not leave our side of the one way glass in the door to the dance studio. Seriously. For 45 minutes these 8 moms cram themselves into a 5 foot wide space and rest their foreheads on the glass so they can see through. Now I love Kid, and I think she is cute in leotard, but come on! You've seen 5 minutes... you've seen the class! This is not my first time around the block people. Kid is 5 and has taken at least that many Red & Ed dance classes.. I have never seen anything like this bunch of wackos.

So when I found out they were getting dance medals.. I was pissed.. and disappointed. First of all I just don't need anymore shitty ass "made in China" junk in my house. Secondly, I don't need to pay for it. And the most important reason of all... the girls didn't do anything! There was not a dance off. There are no judges. I have personally taken dance for YEARS and NEVER received a medal for it.. I've never even heard of dance medals. Call me a scrooge but I'm pretty sure taking the damn class was reward enough for Kid. I will watch her 15 minute performance at the end of her last class with pride and joy.. I will clap for her and give her a shout out... and that people... that... she would remember! The dumb dance medal, of which the Queen Freak was saying "you know they are going to be wearing that all around the house!", will have been taken off and thrown in the huge pile of crap she keeps on the floor of the backseat.. never to be seen.. much less worn again...within minutes of getting in the car.

Here's my opinion... but of course I'm just her damn mom and apparently I don't get a say, since they are giving the girls the medals whether I pony up for them or not (and in I don't I'll just look like an asshole!).....
I've got no problem with a "good job" or "nicely done" or "I'm really proud of you" but I don't think offering praise and rewards all the time is a very good idea. Not only did the girls NOT do anything... but what is going to happen at their next dance class when some freaky mom doesn't decide to order medals or trophies or tiaras? Won't that be somewhat disappointing? Aren't we setting them up to feel the act of doing something isn't enough that they need to get a reward for it in order for it to have been worthwhile? I don't know... call me crazy... but isn't it especially important that kids find a way to enjoy physical activity for its own sake and not whether or not they are *good* at it. And I'm not sure what message a medal is sending... if not "you're great". When you start getting medals at three, merely for attending a class, how much more difficult will it be for these kids to have any normal sense of ego regulation? When they are so used to *winning*, even if completely rigged by their over involved parents, how disappointing will the *real world* be when they find they are not quite as good at everything as they were led to believe. I know quite a few of these kids, now grown up, and the thing they all have in common is SEVERE DEPRESSION!

So of course I ponied up my money. If I had been there last week I like to think I would have schooled those motherfuckers! (Although most likely I would have just been outraged and come home and written this post one week earlier!) Towards the end of class The Queen Freak Mom says "I'm sure you all are doing this, but I just wanted you all to know I'll be bringing "S" a bouquet of flowers, I wouldn't want anyone else to feel left out." Umm.. thanks for the heads up, you overzealous freak! It is not like the class cost me $70 and now the damn poisonous medal has me out another $5... or that I... as a freaking adult... rarely get flowers... or that it is Christmas and we are kind of strapped for extra expenses... but sure I certainly wouldn't want Kid to feel left out.. thanks for considering that when you made your damn decision!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Sick Baby Update

So we have just returned from the ER. It appears Baby has a virus and stomach upset from the Fluconazole but no ear infection. We are back on the Fluconazole for its duration... since it is impossible to tell which is causing all the distress and we do need to kill off the yeast. Of course since returning home she is suddenly in a *fine* mood and was evening eating a little... go figure..

Yay or Nay?

Mrs F's fashion quest continues...

Well I bought these a few months ago. And when I got home I didn't like them so I've had them in the bag ready to return ever since. Now it is possible I've lost some weight since then because I tried them on this morning and I didn't think they were so bad. My issue with them is that they are a little big in the thigh for me and that the waist is cut kind of swoopy giving me a little gap in the back. The major plus for these pants is that the pockets disguise a pretty up & down flat ass. Also they were only $20 (surprise, surprise). I should note that these have a bootcut and a pretty sizable break. I'm leaving the tags on for now since my major pants issue is that pants that seemingly *fit* in the morning I can literally pull off while zipped and buttoned by the end of the day...
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