This goddamn asshole:
And don't go feeling sorry for him. This is the same mother fucker who gets to sleep in a bed with humans at night. Who will steal your food off your plate while you are eating it! Who spends his free time trolling for Kleenex, un-flushed toilet paper (what?!?), socks, kids' stuffed animals. The same damn dog who spent his formative years having his own theme songs being sung to him while he slept on my damn pillow!
Well when I loaded up the kids and went to pick him up from the boarder (where we paid extra so he could sit on their damn laps while they worked at the computer... yes... I am serious!) I found out he hadn't been eating. No big surprise.. he is a total drama queen. And again do not pity him they bribed him to eat by filling his bowl with TREATS. Typical. He is such a manipulator!
Anyway... on the way home he was being a total spaz and was hunting down trash and Kid's leftover snacks while I tried to drive yelling "Kid don't let him get the chocolate cookies!!" (that happened before.. and believe me the results were NOT pretty.. you try pouring hydrogen peroxide down a dogs throat..twice!) Anyway the bastard insisted on sitting on my lap making steering..um.. difficult.. and that was pissing me off because the sun was setting and the roads aren't great and I just hate not driving as safely as frickin' possible. Well while prancing around the front seat the douche bag apparently knocked over my leftover coffee... which then spilled all over the floor (and you know how I feel about stains!) and got all over our new garage door manual (don't ask why it is in the car..) and some trash and fruit roll ups. As if my car doesn't smell bad enough already! And yeah I'm sure you don't (won't) let your kids eat in the car.. yeah I thought that too... and then I had a four year old who threw massive tantrums every damn day after school... well.. and that rule got amended pretty damn fast... so get back to me!
Back to the douche... so upon arriving home I had to rush to the kitchen (tracking snow ALL over the house!) to get some paper towels and try to quickly clean up the coffee before #1 the stain set and #2 the smell set. Meanwhile Kid traipses in, and since I was busy, decided to walk ALL through the house in her boots before taking them off in the living room. Once I get everything cleaned up as best as I can I attempt to transfer a sleeping Baby upstairs. Well what do you think that mother fucker did? Yes! He started barking incessantly (as per the norm) at nothing! I swear to God I could have rushed down the stairs and broken his legs! Welcome home you bastard!