And don't go feeling sorry for him. This is the same mother fucker who gets to sleep in a bed with humans at night. Who will steal your food off your plate while you are eating it! Who spends his free time trolling for Kleenex, un-flushed toilet paper (what?!?), socks, kids' stuffed animals. The same damn dog who spent his formative years having his own theme songs being sung to him while he slept on my damn pillow! Well when I loaded up the kids and went to pick him up from the boarder (where we paid extra so he could sit on their damn laps while they worked at the computer... yes... I am serious!) I found out he hadn't been eating. No big surprise.. he is a total drama queen. And again do not pity him they bribed him to eat by filling his bowl with TREATS. Typical. He is such a manipulator!
Anyway... on the way home he was being a total spaz and was hunting down trash and Kid's leftover snacks while I tried to drive yelling "Kid don't let him get the chocolate cookies!!" (that happened before.. and believe me the results were NOT pretty.. you try pouring hydrogen peroxide down a dogs throat..twice!) Anyway the bastard insisted on sitting on my lap making steering..um.. difficult.. and that was pissing me off because the sun was setting and the roads aren't great and I just hate not driving as safely as frickin' possible. Well while prancing around the front seat the douche bag apparently knocked over my leftover coffee... which then spilled all over the floor (and you know how I feel about stains!) and got all over our new garage door manual (don't ask why it is in the car..) and some trash and fruit roll ups. As if my car doesn't smell bad enough already! And yeah I'm sure you don't (won't) let your kids eat in the car.. yeah I thought that too... and then I had a four year old who threw massive tantrums every damn day after school... well.. and that rule got amended pretty damn fast... so get back to me!
Back to the douche... so upon arriving home I had to rush to the kitchen (tracking snow ALL over the house!) to get some paper towels and try to quickly clean up the coffee before #1 the stain set and #2 the smell set. Meanwhile Kid traipses in, and since I was busy, decided to walk ALL through the house in her boots before taking them off in the living room. Once I get everything cleaned up as best as I can I attempt to transfer a sleeping Baby upstairs. Well what do you think that mother fucker did? Yes! He started barking incessantly (as per the norm) at nothing! I swear to God I could have rushed down the stairs and broken his legs! Welcome home you bastard!
12 comments:
Oh girl, I hear ya. Ours is 75lbs and sheds like a mofo, and thinks he is either only 10lbs and wants to be a part of everything or thinks he's 100lbs and vicious and scares everyone with his crazy bark. He's not vicious AT ALL...and certainly he's not a lap dog.
Oh, and my anal clean car didn't stand a chance. It's disgusting and disturbing. I'm glad Mr Bionic's car is back on the road and the hairy, dirty bastard is now his problem again!!
Now, if only the dog could clean my car or work a broom.
Sounds like Canine Furious is a badass too! Do you guys have a carrier for him? Or do you normally tie him down with a leash? It's really scary to think what could have happened if you had gotten in to an accident because he was loose. To him and to you.
michelline,
yeah tell me about it... I hate the bastard! We have a harness that the seat belt goes through. Of course I wasn't planning on picking him up so I didn't have it. He isn't usually as much of a dick and will stay off me... but not today!
bi0nicw0man,
if only I could send him away on a long, long, road trip!
I am laughing my ass off. Why do dogs do it? I swear its on purpose!!
Preppy Mama,
For sure it is on purpose! The older that bastard is the more annoying he has become. He was such a sweet puppy... now I'd pay you to take him!
I was going to leave you a smartass comment about how excited I knew you were going to be about getting Cannine F on your welcome back poast. These darn dogs make life so much more difficult. Throw him over our house if you need to.
Are you kidding? Send him to my house. He sounds like a walk in the park compared to my zoo. They have a live-in babysitter when we travel, and I don't even need to go into Craptastic Puppy's behavior if you read my blog. That dog gets a hard-on if he SEES a baby sock. He ate the pom-pom off a fucking Santa hat yesterday. I hope that thing passes, for his sake. Anyway, send him over. What's one more at this point?
I admit I kind of dig the hydrogen peroxide trick. It comes in handy when you have dogs who can reach any countertop anytime.
The crate-training IS handy, but you still have to be able to tune out the noise. I just close the basement door. It's like CIO for dogs.
Deb,
don't get me started on the socks. He is obsessed with socks. How do they know a baby sock is a sock.. uncanny!
CIO for dogs.. totally.. of course that's why I couldn't do it. Why I ever thought my kids would sleep in cribs in their own rooms when I couldn't listen to the puppy cry without bringing him into the bed I do not know. But I'm hardening... and next time no damn dogs in the bed!
At least on the plus side, you are TINY!
I also have two drama queen dogs (even if one is technically a boy...) so i hear you. One almost made me get into an accident the day before thanksgiving. eek!
God that's hilarious that you call him an asshole and mother fucker and douchebag. Love it. We just did the calculation for having a dog walker come to our apt. for 2 half-hour dog walks a day = $45 a day, plus extra for Christmas and the day after, plus $5 a day to give her glucosamine. Eff that. We decided to give a friend of ours $200 and call it a day. My second career will be a damn dog walker.
My second career will be a damn dog walker
word to that! When I was in NY and Canine was still a puppy I had a dog walker come and walk him twice a day every damn week day... please I was practically paying her my salary!
We've had dog walkers come here while we were gone but it made him a little bonkers and he scratched the shit out of our coffee table (?!?!) I assume he kept thinking we were getting broken into... Boarding him for 1 week (in the office of the kennel) cost me 190... which is a pretty good deal considering.
Cara,
how did I miss you?!
small dogs big egos... crazy jerks!
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