Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Unfortunately I'm Tired

Dear World,

I'm so tired this week.  Dealing with my sister over the last 3 weeks, every moment a crisis with the weight of an actual life on the line was... well... extremely draining.  I hadn't slept through the night, always on call, and was pretty much existing on pure cane sugar.  That crisis while not averted still looms large and painfully constricts my thoughts.  She went back, and it's depressing.  It is literally depressing me, feeling so hopeless.  I have to work every single day not to let the frustration make me grow angry and shut myself off to her.  There is an overwhelming urge to do that.  To throw up all the time and energy and money we put into helping her and slam the door.  It isn't recognized, it won't be recognized, it may never be acknowledged and anger can make you focus on that.  On YOU.  But it wasn't ever done to bring us recognition it was done to show her love and support.  And you can only love and support someone where they are at.  And right now, she is back there.  And I have to keep answering the phone and being open minded and understanding and hoping that in doing so... one day... she'll believe she can have something more from this life.

So that is always simmering.  Sometimes on the back burner, but usually on the front.  Our house is suffering, our diets are suffering, our sleep is suffering, my parenting is suffering... our cats are suffering for crying out loud.  It is so hard to help her when the help is keeping her there.  I feel like I'm on an episode of Intervention and I know I shouldn't "love her to death" but at the same time if I alienate her now there will not be another chance.  Mr F who had so valiantly given of himself is, truthfully, a bit angry and frustrated.  He'd like to move on to other crises... I'm not sure I can move on.  In fact I feel strongly that I can't.  I'm too scared that their good phase is *too good* and am afraid of how it will end... I am constantly waiting for that call.

Meanwhile, my heart is breaking for my grandmother.  She fell ON THE SAME DAY that my sister had the first very big scary fight.  This stuff has been concurrent every step of the way and the one I deemed life threatening and poured all my energy into (every single day) was not the one in danger of dying.  I'm shocked.  So shocked and saddened and overwhelmed by it all.  And, unfortunately, I'm coming into this from a extremely beaten down emotional place.  There was no break to come up for air and I'm feeling pretty depressed, to be perfectly honest.  Life has been rough, and stressful, and disappointing, and literally life & death for a couple of weeks... and it is very hard to sustain that level of stress for an ongoing period of time.  Hard to be so emotionally distracted and still show up for LIFE... making lunches, washing uniforms, checking homework, remembering that it is "Wacky Hair Day", figuring out the ridiculously complicated benefits choices for open enrollment at Mr F's work, and trying to figure out how and when we can decorate for Christmas.

It seems that I'm always waiting for a crisis to end, to finally take a breather, maybe have a year where it is just a *normal* life.  Without a tornado, new job, new school, broken arm, abused sister, and now dying grandmother.  I'm sure I've missed some things.  We have not had a year without at least one major transition (usually several more), or major medical stress in... well... I'm not sure we have since we left NY.... 11.5 years ago!

There are a lot of things I can't control.  But I'm working on recognizing the things that I can.  My sister's situation is legitimately stressful... dealing with her/my family was surprisingly the MOST stressful part... and that is something I could have avoided or truncated and should not have let it takeover.  I need to choose to disengage from stressful people and relationships and let them think what they will, without feeling I need to defend myself all the time.  I'm fairly sure Julie wouldn't defend her actions if she knew that her motives were in the right place.  I need to stop wasting my life on that.  I waste SO MUCH time on that.

So, anyway, if you are a non-toxic person in my life, just know that I'd like to spend more time with you.  I don't mean to ignore you... it 's just that toxic people tend to take up all the room and I haven't had the strength of character to walk away.  You know... "Oh, nice person that genuinely likes me, I'm sorry I can't have a relationship with you, I'm too busy defending my perfectly reasonable life choices to an asshole that hates me".  It's laughable, but also so sad that so much of my life really has been devoted to that.  I am trying to do better.  I'm trying to see a situation for what it is and let it go... to disengage.  A lot of my close relationships have been modeled on a pretty negative one (my father) and being in the struggle all the time to get someone to like me, see me, recognize me is always about that core relationship.  It draws me to people who are guaranteed not to.  I'm knocking down that first domino now and hoping that the rest will tumbled down in quick succession.  I think that I'll breathe easier when I realize that it is much easier to surround yourself with people that REALLY DO LIKE YOU, than to try and convince people that don't that they should.

Mrs F

PS I was really excited about sending out Christmas boxes... not sure if that is feasible or not this year... but keep an eye on the blog.  If I can, I'll give one away.


Elizabeth said...

Hey, you're pretty awesome, you know that right?

This is all rather shitty. (I hadn't known things with Mame were certain until I read your blog, and my first reaction was NUH-UH SHUTTUP! which I didn't post for obvious reasons of trying to actually be an adult, but now I can say because it's funny? I don't even know)

Anyway just wanted to show some support and love: *hugs* I hope to see you and the girls at Christmas. (or you know, whenever)

Julie said...

Okay, I have not read the post yet because my life has been incredibly challenging the last 2 weeks. Like CRAZY. Murphy stuff of course. But I will read at some point soon hopefully & by 'soon' it could be a couple of days. THEN, I will be able to write some really awesome uplifting stuff like, "Oh, crap."

In the meantime, I will send good karma your way. I don't actually have any myself, but I am still able to send it to other people.

Love hugs and SLEEP...

Mrs Furious said...

I think the realization that it was a terminal situation came on kind of suddenly over the weekend. My mom called and said if I wanted to be sure she recognized me to get on out there ASAP. When I got there it was very clear, absolutely no question in my mind the situation. So terribly sad. I had seen her in the hospital just before Thanksgiving and I would never have guessed that she wouldn't have made a recovery. It's really very heartbreaking :(

" I don't actually have any myself"
bwahahaha... yes, I know the feeling! ;)

G in Berlin said...

So sorry for all the things coming down on you. I hope that you can grab a feeling of peace and try to hold on to it.

Preppy Mama said...

I am so sorry you have all of this to go through, toxic relationships are draining and your poor grandmother. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you and sending some love your way.

Torey said...

You seriously need a break.

I seriously think you're my hero. I don't know ho you do it all, but you do. You seriously do it. I know you don't always think you do, but you do.

If you need anything let me know!

Mrs Furious said...

Oh so many shout outs from the old school readers! I love it... thank you :)

you should pick someone with healthier boundaries for your hero... just ask my therapist. ;)
You know what I'm doing right now? Sewing 2 matching infinity scarves for the girls for "Winter Wear Day"... because I'm CRAZY.

Mr Furious said...

Annoyed and disappointed more than angry at your sister. But, of course, not really surprised either. We knew it would be tough and slow. I don't think we should move on and not help, but you cannot let it consume you on the same level until there's at least a sense of urgency at her end. Right now, you have too much else on your plate to be the only person putting energy into her situation.

Anything I can do, I'll do. I just won't be logging 2,500 miles in 4-days for nothing again anytime soon...

So proud of you!

-amy said...

I'm really feeling for all that is heaped on your plate right now, and I really know that feeling, that pull of all of your energy and thoughts toward something that is beyond your control.

I am sending thoughts of unwavering strength and peace to you. I'm so sorry to learn about you grandmother. I was very close to my Great-Uncle, much closer than to any of my grandparents. Losing him was tough, he was so strong and smart and independent. He got sick very quickly, but knew that he was going. Being able to say goodbye is such an enormous blessing. It's still tough, but his life was so good, he was such a blessing, and knowing him has made my life better in infinite ways.

I'm sure you've seen this verse by Mary Elizabeth Frye, but it really strikes a chord for me; it just a little meditation to remind us that those we love aren't gone, we just have to remember how to recognize them - hope it's something you can use:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Mrs Furious said...

Oh thanks so much for that... made me cry but in a good way.

wootini said...

Oh Mrs. F I'm so sorry about everything that is happening with your sister and your grandmother. My grandma passed away on Christmas Eve a couple of years ago (also going downhill quite suddenly).

My heart breaks for you having to go through all this during the holidays - it adds a whole other layer of stress to extremely difficult events.

Much love to you and all the Furious family.


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