It could have to do with finding me keening on the bedroom floor
I'm not doing well, and I'm not in the space to even pretend that I am
the tornado, and the construction, and the insurance fights, and the contractor mishaps, which all result in a needed hypervigilance that I no longer have the energy for
and Mr F left on a business trip to San Francisco, followed directly by his being gone all the following week for 'closing week', then without a breath in between I was sent to girl scout prison camp, and now Mr F is preparing to leave for France...
all tidying up one of the worst months of my life
and I'm still having to do all the stuff, the homeschooling, and cooking, and laundry, and grocery shopping, and bill paying, and construction management
and worrying about the workmanship and the money
and how much I just want to go back in time have this never have happened
and I just don't have anything left inside
when things go bad I'm always left alone
it feels like the most horrifically long fight to the death
and it turns out they're winning
and I'm dying
to top it all off I had the roofers throw away our DirecTV satellite... and now all I want in the world is to lie on the coach cloaked in a blanket and watching mindless TV
and there is that part of me that always appears competent and on top of things
and so no one sees, not even Mr F
that, really, I need the help
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12 comments:
I'm right there with you I had a mild panic attack in the shower the other night and felt like I was going to die. Although I have not had a tornado rip through our lives there is way to much going on for my simple and complacent brain to handle and it sucks. I hope you get to catch your breath today this week this month. Feel better Mrs.F. and something I'm trying so hard to remember is that stupid saying you know you have to put your own oxygen mask on first take care of yourself because you cant take care of others. This is so very hard for me!
Oh, Andrea, I'm sorry you are having a hard time, too. the other day I felt like I was going to have a stroke, not exaggerating, my blood was just pounding and pounding and I felt like my head was about to explode. I wish I knew how long this was going to last... but... I don't, and it's clearly not going to end soon. I'm trying to think of what I can do to take some things off my plate. Spring extras for the kids just started up, and I really wish I hadn't signed them up for anything, since it's just too much for me now. I just need time for a breath. I'm going to look for a meal service or something... I just can't handle shopping & cooking right now. I never know what day or time workman are coming, so I keep getting stuck without food and then by the time they leave it's just too late to go or I'm too stressed & tired. I need like kid friendly, non-diet nutri system meals mailed to my house. Or for my husband to ever come home in time for dinner and bring it with him.
Mrs. F., I feel terrible that you are having to manage so much right now....its a terrible thing to feel like an island with no rescue in sight. I hope you know that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the strength you need to not only sustain you but so you can thrive throughout the rest of this process.
The unknown is so awful....I'm sorry you have to tolerate even a minute of this nonsense and that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel very soon for you and your sweet family!!!
All my love to you guys and hugs to the girls!!!
"and there is that part of me that always appears competent and on top of things
and so no one sees, not even Mr F
that, really, I need the help"
I think so many moms can sympathize with you on this. I know I can. You sum up the "supermom" cape we all wear very well.
I hope things start to get better for you and I'm glad Mr. F is starting to see your struggle. Hopefully the light at the end of the tunnel will start to get brighter soon.
So sorry it's piling up on you. I can't even imagine the stress of the repair work with everything else.
Let me echo Andrea and say that you should reach for your oxygen mask. Which might be, finding kid activities that don't require your interaction? My 8 year old is so excited right now by cooking (though I still need to help her) that it has made shopping easier. I also think the Wii is at least a more useful way to get the two of them working together than plopping by TV. Cooking uses fractions and measurements. Also, can you see if they have any of those kitchen places that make up meals- where you can go and make a week's meals or pay extra and have them made up for you- you freeze the ones you don't use and each serves 4-6 and you get multiple copies of each meal?Not as expensive as most delivery systems. Or get a babysitter so you can go and do a serious shop, with a meal plan, to allow you to prepare meals for a few weeks in one or two days? If Mr F is gone and you are exhausted, how about an evening babysitter to shop, followed by going to sleep early yourself? With my spouse working away during the week and no support system in this country, I sometimes fall into bed with the kids when I put them to sleep.
So sorry it's been so overwhelming. Playing the role of single parent is always truly exhausting. I'll send all my positive energy your way and hope that the work at the house is finished up soon. Maybe you give yourself a "spring break" on the homeschooling just to loosen up your schedule? I think an evening babysitter is a great idea, even if it is just to have some alone time, to read at a coffee shop or something...Meanwhile, remember to breathe. And hopefully Mr. F. will bring you home something special from France, perhaps au pair who loves domestic chores!
perhaps au pair who loves domestic chores! Yes!
Mrs F, I truly understand how you are feeling. Obviously not specific to the tornado aftermath & all of the shit that entails, but the feeling of your brain/sanity unable to handle one more thing...even if seems like a 'no big deal' thing in normal times.
Like the others have said, you need to take care of yourself first. That may mean McDonalds for every freaking meal & getting that Direct TV hooked back up, skipping some of the extra activities. Oh right, I like that meal delivery service even better...have someone come to you with the food. It is worth the cost to relieve some stress.
WTH will all of Mr F's traveling? Very cool for him, but wow. Did you know this job was going to have so much traveling?
I wish I could help you out. Just swoop in & help you deal with the insurance crap. Oh do I know how that is annoying and frustrating...not with house insurance stuff, but with health insurance stuff. I swear I felt I was having a full out nervous breakdown when I was having to call them everyday about stuff. And no one else--like Tom in my instance--could fully understand why it was so mind bogglingly horribly frustrating.
My love & good thoughts are with you. Well, in between meltdowns over at my house;).
Kiki,
I have often fantasized about getting in the car and not stopping until I hit your house.
Mrs. Smitty,
thank you,
sadly (or comically) Mr F will only see it for one day... but I did get a rest and I do feel much better for it.
GinBerlin,
I did find one of those places and ordered a weeks worth of dinners to pick up on Friday. My cheapness really wanted to battle me on that, but my sanity won over and I went through with it. I'm hoping I only have 5 more weeks of constant shit going on (then at least school will be out) so even if I did it every week, it won't break the bank... and it'll be a lot cheaper than the sanitorium.
Gigs,
I'd love to do a spring break, unfortunately we did a prolonged one for the weeks after the tornado and now, since she is going to school in the Fall, we are under the gun to get through all of her 3rd grade math & spelling. If we were homeschooling next year, believe me, we'd be on our summer break now!
Julie,
Did you know this job was going to have so much traveling?
NO. The travel aspect has really picked up the last month or so. The whole thing with this job has not been exactly what we expected. He's sharing the duties (full art dept) for one magazine, and he works more than he did doing all 3 in NC. We definitely didn't move back here for this. On the upside (down for me) he does seem to love it. As you may remember, he took a big pay cut for this job, and there are a lot of times that I question if the pay/hours are worth it in the big picture of his time away from his family. We'll see what happens when the kids are in school... right now I can work our schedule so that we wait for him... that won't be possible next year.
It appears as though Mrs Smitty is dropping a hint to Smitty.
Perhaps Smitty should open his eyes.
Hang in there, you are an amazingly strong person and we know you will get through this!
Smitty,
good point. Make dinner.
if only Mr F read my blog anymore...
Samantha,
thank you.
I hope you know my home and heart are always open to you!!!
All my love,
Kiks
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