Mental State

I'm not doing well today.
I have done everything I can to try and not dwell on the surgery. I scheduled it right as soon as possible so there would be less time to obsess. I have really been able to keep it in my back pocket until now. With less than 48 hours to go I am losing it. Losing. It. For real people. I don't want to do this again. It is all I can do right now not to go get Kid from school strap her into the car and run away. I don't want to have her have another surgery. Really. Really. I don't.

I got her off to school and then just felt like "I don't want to go on... I want to lie down in this muddy puddle and let the grief just sweep over me." I put Baby back in the car and headed to Target since I had prescriptions to pick up. Nothing like already fearing the worst for you child and then having to go get her life saving emergency medicine! Not too easy to push things aside when doing that errand. I walked around the store in a complete fog... unable to remember what I was there for and unable take my usual comfort in ogling tons of crap that I neither need nor want. I debated buying hundreds of dollars worth of stuff to redo Kid's bedroom... but didn't. Not that I feel particularly triumphant about that. It might have given me something to throw myself into for the next two days and frankly I'd pay any amount of money for that kind of a distraction.

On Thursday we will take her back to the hospital. She will don a cute old fashioned circus hospital gown. I will take her into the operating room and smile and say cheerfully "Okay I'll see you when you wake up. I LOVE YOU." while she goes under and I try to hold in my sobs until I am escorted from the room. There is a little bathroom in the hallway on the way back to the waiting area. You can lock yourself in there and weep for a few minutes in the dark. There isn't any kleenex in there only that thin rough toilet paper.