Monday, September 14, 2009

My Heart's Not In It

I don't know what to say. I guess I'm hitting a blogging wall. I find this happens when I'm actually having a LOT of things roaming around the old brain... oddly enough. It's much easier to blog when stuff isn't going on for me internally. Harder when it is.

I finished my book yesterday.

And cried.

And cried.

And cried.

Baby brought me tissues and said "All done cryin'?"

Kid rubbed my back and sang me lullabies.

I still cried.

It tugged at a tap root to my grief that has never been resolved and rarely validated outside of therapy.

You can only pull out a little bit... it goes down forever and won't release it's grip.

Mr F might be the only one who knows how sad I am inside.

And even he sometimes forgets.




This weekend I told Mr F that he never tells me I'm pretty.

I know he loves me. I know he thinks I'm smart and funny and a great mother.

But I have spent 10 years believing that he doesn't think I'm beautiful.

So I cried.

I reminded him that in 10 years he's rarely complimented my looks.

And every woman wants to feel she is beautiful.

To her husband.

Not just the creepy guy at the grocery store, the volunteers at Habitat, and the man with the dog at the video store.

Your actual husband.

I asked him why he would withhold making someone feel good?

But I realize I do it too.

The withholding.

It's protection.

20 comments:

gooddog said...

isn't it nuts that we can be with them for 10 years and still have these deep-seeded fears/sadness/misunderstandings? I put myself in that because I have been feeling similar things lately too. Good for you for putting it out there: with yourself, us and MrF.

On a side note that I hope doesn't sound cold or superficial: the analogy of the "tap root of grief" is amazing. Really. Makes.me.think.

Hugs, Mrs. F.

inkelywinkely said...

You know what? I feel the exact same way...except I have never actually HEARD him tell me...ever..he said it in a letter once, but I have never heard those words.

Mrs Furious said...

Gooddog,
"the analogy of the "tap root of grief" is amazing."
Ah thanks. I try ;) it came to me while driving today. I was just like WTF?!! Why is this book making me lose it?! And then I could place it. All the unresolved grief from childhood, etc...It's the damn tap root.

With Mr F and the lack o' compliments... It's a problem. I will always try and feed him compliments like "Do you think I'm pretty in the face?" (my particular insecurity with him)...and then he'll refuse to just "repeat after me" because he thinks it won't have any meaning. I've pointed out one million times that not caving because he thinks it'll mean more later is not working... since... the later never comes. I also told him "If someone is asking you to compliment them every other day... maybe ... that... means... THEY NEED YOU TO FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE THEM." You know it's like... dude... what you are doing isn't working for me... change it.

We'll see. He's told I'm "pretty in the face" the last two days.

Mrs Furious said...

inkelywinkely,
You should blow the letter up supersized and make wallpaper out of it.

katieo said...

"WTF?!! Why is this book making me lose it?!"

soooo...am I supposed to apologize or say you're welcome? jk


and how sweet of baby and Kid to take care of you. Seriously, good job little ladies. AND, as weird as this sounds, I do hope the pain that's coming up has purpose and can help you in some way.

Mrs Furious said...

Katieo,
I'm already reading it AGAIN.

I might post about some of this stuff soon. But it is the last thing I was working on in therapy... after 17 years of therapy I was just starting to be able to process it. I have never let myself go all the way with the grief. And part of that is that it has never been fully acknowledged by my parents/family. So it does have a purpose. I'm just not sure how to really grieve it.

P/F said...

I almost don't want to say this here, but my taproot must be much deeper because my husband tells me that stuff ALL THE TIME - and it makes me mad at him. I guess it sounds like I don't appreciate it but he's always saying that I look beautiful or hot - and because he says it all the time - I feel like he's not really feeling it, just saying it. Or, how can he say that to me when I own a mirror?
Right now I'm feeling really bad for guys.

Mrs Furious said...

P/F,
interesting.

Well my grief issue is actually separate from the beauty issue. The book brought up both... it's been a rough weekend ;)

Claire said...

Remind yourself of the "white hot sun" phrase that came from him - he earned points with me on that one! I used to tell my husband that when I was angry if he would just come and wrap his arms around me and hold me really close I would melt in his arms - he never would do it - silly man. A woman came into the lobby today and had a T-shirt on that said, "Kind words can change the world."
Oh yes - I went and looked the book up and read the 30 pages they let me read - I actually had to stop. It is good - but a hard book.

Mrs Furious said...

Claire,
Yes he got points for white hot sun... but that was after our *talk*. He's been trying harder these days.

The book is very, very, good. But hardships abound. It's an emotional ride.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Here is another 'must read' (if you haven't already). It was hard to put down! One Thousand White Women: The Journals of May Dodd by Jim Fergus
Its fiction based on some historical fact.
Your book sounds compelling...I will be reading it soon myself.

julie said...

I wish I had something magical to say to make you feel better.

Kiki said...

There is a song that comes on the radio that, when it plays, loosens my heart and I sob as I sing it at the top of my lungs.

Love you and think you are lovely.

Out of Hand said...

I have gone as far as to write out possible compliments that J. could give and told him to pick one a day and that would be a good place to start.
Our weekend was the sort that made me tell J. he needed to start to earn me and all my goodness.
I guess it is in the air...

Supermom said...

(((((Mrs F))))***********

P.O.M. said...

Hey Mrs. F. Oh how I've missed you. I started a new job and it's super intense. There is a large political & legal aspect to it, so I'm thinking I need to shut down my blog. I'm still thinking about it. But either way, I haven't had a second to even get on the internet to pay my bills, let alone blog.

Lori said...

Here is another good one.
Prayers for Sale by Sandra Dallas.
Not as good as These is my words, but same premise.
There is just something about the way they lived back in the day.
Love all the diaries and stories. If you know of any other books in this genre could you please share?
Anyone?...

www.mirrorx2.blogspot.com

lucinda said...

A couple of weeks ago Stepfather Furious told me I was very pretty. When I told him that that was the first time he had ever told me I was pretty (in the 10 years we've been together)he was flabberghasted. Apparently he thought thinking nice things was sufficient.
I regret being the cause of the much of the sadness that you carry from your childhood.
One specific deep regret: You were such a gorgeous child and many times when we were stopped on the street for someone to say "what a beautiful girl" I replied, as I had been taught, "beauty is as beauty does." What a gift it would have been if the first person I had replied that to had given me a good hard slap for diminishing you.
I am deeply sorry.

HaleyBird said...

Man, the inability to hug across long distances really leaves me without an actionable response to this. :(

I like to think that the more we cry about something, the closer we get to an emotional resolution (like watching the little digital bar get more and more solid as a program downloads).

I know it means the most from your beloved, but lots of us think you're a cutiepie for whatever it's worth. :)

Mrs Furious said...

Out of Hand,
"I have gone as far as to write out possible compliments that J. could give and told him to pick one a day and that would be a good place to start."
Love it.


Haley,
well you should know that in my discussion with Mr F I said "Haley is the only person who recognizes my beauty!" ;)


P.O.M.,
Interesting. That does give you pause on the blog front. Thankfully Mr F is not likely to sue me ;)
thank you for getting back to me! I was starting to think... "she could be dead for all I know!"


Lori,
Did you see the comment above from Golden to Silver Val?
If I come across more I'll let you know!


Val,
Thanks I'll add it to my line up.

julie,
thanks

Kiki,
That is how The Piano soundtrack it for me. I can just sob & sob & sob to that. Sometimes you need that.

Did I get everyone?!

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