I'm gonna write you a love letter because I need to, because I'm grieving.
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. When you were born you filled a hole in my heart and completed me. You have changed me and healed me and made me a better person. I love you so much that my heart is breaking. You are strong and resilient and courageous, far more than I am or ever will be. You are funny and quick witted and absolutely beautiful. Stunningly beautiful really, with big eyes the color of deep lake water, and long golden hair like a undulating field of wheat , your skin is flawless like a pool of spilled milk. I watch you in the morning and my eyes well up with pride and awe and also the deep sorrow of this past year. I am sorry, so very sorry for all you have gone through. For someone so little you have such strength and confidence. You don't know the depth of my fears and my sadness and my worries... and I hope you never do. There is no time away from you that I am not thinking of you. But I do need you to know that I am not sad that you are not perfect, I am just sad... that this never ends... that you need another surgery... and that it just never seems to get any easier. I hope that this is just a bad couple of years and that before we all know it this will seem so far behind us. I hope that in the scope of your life this will be such a small part. And secretly in the deepest part of me I hope that I can love you enough to make that all true. I want for you to have a better life than your little body has allowed for you to have. But more than anything else I just don't ever want you to leave me. I love you.
14 comments:
Okay, I am crying now. Rachel--so beautiful and so sweet. Make sure you have a hard copy of this somewhere to keep for her. Tuck it in her baby book or something. Very touching. I am sending you good karma/vibes/prayers--whatever! Love, Eileen. :)
You know Mr. Sap is crying...
While this is tearing us apart inside, at least she's such a bad-ass, when we know for sure what has to happen and tell her, she'll be, like, "Okay!"
At least that's what I have to keep telling myself...that it's harder on us than it is on her, partly because it seems that way, but mostly because I really need to believe it's not so hard on her.
Last night I really had a hard time carrying her back to her own bed, because I just wanted to hold her.
Wow. That is beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time.
I've been reading your blog for awhile now, got hooked on it from sisterskinny, but this is the first time I've commented.
You never fail to make me laugh out loud and I find myself reading bits to my husband...but now I can't stop tearing up!
I don't know the whole story with Kid, but my heart goes out to you. I'll keep her and your family in my thoughts and prayers, as cheesy as that sounds.
Hi Katy,
Thanks for your comments... and for commenting.... I love to get comments! (so keep it up!)
And it is not cheesy it sweet and generous and I appreciate it.
Kid has had a rough year, she developed Epilepsy and has under gone one eye surgery... which failed and now must be repeated, we were not fans of this the first time around so we are not happy about this. The Epilepsy is bad news bears, but we are hopeful that she might outgrow it (most kids do ..80%) but we will see. Until then it is a constant stress since her seizures are life threatening, having said that she is on meds which should keep her from having any (of course you never know if the dose is high enough so you can't let your guard down) We are almost one year seizure free so that is good (I think).
Eileen,
I'm hoping to get my whole blog printed in some way so I can give it to the girls once they have kids. Hopefully the parts about them making me crazy won't bother them too much by then ;)
This is beautiful. I had to stop crying before I could write this. I can't begin to imagine what your family has gone through over this past year or so. I hope I never can.
It's wonderful that Kid is so resilient and has such a good outlook. She's lucky that she has parents that are devoted to her and to each other. It seems as if the Furious family is very lucky to have each other. I can't wait to meet you guys!
Michelline,
I hope we live up to the hype!
Oh. I loved reading this but like the other comments, am so sad you guys have to go through this. None of my kids have had epilepsy but we have had our fair share of ER visits, health issues, and extended hospital stays. I always had the feeling of looking at those precious little kids wishing there was some way to take it for them. To go through the tests, the surgeries, all the doctor's visits. I would've traded places in a heartbeat just so they didn't have to go through all that crap.
(and mr. furious. I DO think it's harder on the parents. I REALLY do.)
btw mrs, did you know there are 3rd party companies that will print your entire blog for you in a bound book? if i get around to it, I'll email you the link, but you could probably just find it...
Anyway, beautiful letter, you'll all be in our prayers.
What a touching post. Epilepsy runs in my family -- but ours is the kind that doesn't show up until puberty. I hope Kid F makes it through. I was sick as a child and I'm tough as nails now. Um, sorta.
Katieo,
It sounds like you've had a similarly bad couple of years.. I'm sorry. I hope that these were one time events and not ongoing illnesses..although it sounds like that might not be the case. :(
And yeah I've wanted to trade places a million times.. but I know I would have been a MUCH bigger wuss!
Heather,
thanks for the comment. I'm sorry to hear you were sick as a kid and that epilepsy runs in your family... that is the good news for us, with childhood onset there is a good chance you'll outgrow it, I'm pretty sure that isn't the case with later onset (right?). I am happy to hear you have overcome all that to become a bad ass ;)
okay Heather, now I know your are HLH, so I feel more confident that you are in fact a bad ass and I wasn't just making that up! ;)
name change related to newlywed status?
Indeedy. I got legally married Feb. 5, then again for the family Sept. 1. Fun times!
We got married on Sept 1st... hopefully that's not a curse! ;)
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