Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Move Over Desperate Housewives...There's A Delusional Housewife In Town

So, last night, on our way home from a long day of stuff, I realized we desperately needed to make a grocery stop.

We had a short list, mostly fruit... in order to keep the girls totals up, and a few necessities.

It was already after 9PM and I just wanted to knock it out as quickly as possible.

A foot in the door Baby asks if I will finally replace her dead goldfish.

"Sure." I say, then we hit the produce.

Kid is intent to drive the cart (which is moderately annoying) and so I took off running with Baby in hand to the eggs, Kid running pell mell behind us.

A man turned, smiled, and took note.

We make our way to the juice aisle... and there he is again.

Isn't it kind of awkward when you keep running into someone?

But he wasn't moving along, he was kind of lingering.

And so, I thought... oh, boy... not again (but also... YES! Again!).

I don't know if you've been shopping after 9 PM on a weeknight... but it is single's hour.

And more than a few times I have had some uncomfortable, but totally self esteem affirming, grocery aisle stalkers.

So,I say a little loudly...

"After we get the cereal we can go get a goldfish."

Like this guy is going to be like...

"What?!! Goldfish at 9:30? Totally hot married mom of two... and she's super fun and spontaneous?"

What can I say I was trying to mess with him.

Then we go in the cereal aisle...

And he's there.

And I'm like...

Confirmed. You are totally into me.

I was wearing my boob dress... so this seemed plausible...

Also he kind of looked like he just got back from a long camping trip.

Not a hobo... but... you know... not someone who's out of my league by any stretch.

Then we go to the fish tanks.

And he shows up.

Now I'm like... what is going to happen?!!

This is pretty ballsy, right?!

I'm mean sure he needed juice, and eggs, and cereal... but a single middle aged man just happening to also buy a goldfish at 9:30...

Um no...

He's clearly making his move.

And I think... crazy, I have my kids, and my rings on.

So he doesn't say anything, and the fish are sick, so we turn around and get out of there.

And I am not going to lie...

I was feeling pretty fucking fantastic.

That's right... I could totally snag a kind of rough around the edges middle aged man if I had to.

Even with my kids.


So, we check out and there is no sign of him.

We get outside and I JUST HAD TO SHARE MY AWESOMENESS... but I only have the kids.

Plus, Mr F never finds these revelations to be quite as awesome as I do.

More than once I've come home from the store and been like...

"I've still got it... old men are into me!"

And he just rolls his eyes and keeps washing the dishes.

Anyway, I just can't contain myself so I turn to Kid and say...

"I think someone was following us in the store."

I don't know what I thought she'd say... but I just had to let it out.

And she says eagerly...

"Oh, I know!"

And I'm like...


It was totally true!

I'm totally hot to some random slightly rumpled man!!!

I knew it!

And then she said...

"He knows me."

And I was like...

dead inside.

A whole half an hour fantasy shattered on the ground.

"What? How does he know you?" I asked.

"I finally remembered who he is... he taught one of my science classes." She said

Okay good, so not a creep, I guess.

"Oh, he must have been trying to remember how he knew us, too" I muse.

I finally sheepishly confess that I thought maybe he was interested in me.

She was greatly amused by that.


We get home, and we are still laughing about it.

Then she says...

"People do think they are beautiful, but not to that level... of walking around thinking people want to marry them at the grocery store."

I reveal to her that I was actually trying to make him think I was even more attractive by mentioning the goldfish.

Even my eight year old was on the floor laughing her ass off at how ridiculous that is.

"Aren't you glad I'm your mom?" I ask, wiping away the tears of my hysterical laughter.

"Yes." She says.


Torey said...

LOL!!!! That is wicked awesome, and totally something I would do.

Today I was pushing a stroller with 1 kid in it, and wearing another (sleeping) kid on my back in a carrier and 2 dudes yelled out their window at me!! Surely they ACTUALLY thought I looked hot, no possibility that they were just messing with me, right???

Plus, I'm pretty sure the science teacher thought you were hot, AND into science (getting a goldfish!?!?!?) and was trying to remember if Kid had ever mentioned her DAD. And if she HAD mentioned DAD, if she mentioned him being MARRIED to Mom.

Mrs Furious said...

lol, I'm happy to hear I'm in good company. I'm sure you did look totally hot covered in kids! Baby carriers = HOT
"Plus, I'm pretty sure the science teacher thought you were hot, AND into science (getting a goldfish!?!?!?) and was trying to remember if Kid had ever mentioned her DAD. And if she HAD mentioned DAD, if she mentioned him being MARRIED to Mom. "Oh, you better believe it! At least that's what I've been telling myself all day.

Kiki said...

I was worrying you had a stalker....my mind didn't even go into "he's hitting on you" territory, not that you're not the hotness....because duh, you totally are....but I have been followed out of Target and WalMart by the sketchiest people ever-worst! So I was totally worrying that this story was going to take a turn for scary!!!

Glad to hear it turned out to be someone safe and not some random weirdo.

Julie said...

That was awesome. I loved that story. Hilarious.

I attract weirdos. I don't know what that says about me.

Gigs said...

SO funny. The best is when your kids are old enough to share and appreciate your total human-ness, and even give you a hard time for it. That is awesome! I love the Furious family.

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