UnFriended

Yesterday I went on Facebook (which is a great rarity, I keep a profile up but I do not participate or update and maybe check my messages about once a month). My brother had tagged me in a photo and I went on to comment at my dismay at looking 3 months pregnant in it.

While I was there I noticed that my life long best friend had un-friended me.

My first response was one of disbelief but I also found it humorous and incredibly immature. It felt very middle of 3rd grade not middle of our 30s. The very notion of wanting to be or not wanting to be my friend is nearly three decades in the past... we're not friends, it's more than that.

She's had no communication with me since I told her we could not afford to attend her wedding. That was in June... and it was THE TRUTH. I've been respectful of her need for space and her feelings. I understand that she was disappointed and have been waiting for her to let me back into her life. Patiently.

Wasn't that enough? Really. Isn't just ignoring me enough? I think it is interesting and, yes, disappointing, that she needed to rub my nose in it.

Because if I'm really dead-to-her why not just continue to avoid all contact. Why reach out in a strange, purposeful, passive aggressive manner? What is my appropriate response to that? To feel punished? Ashamed? Unworthy?

Message received: I'm not good enough.

The impulse is to retaliate... or to defend myself... but that just justifies it... the notion that I did something wrong when I placed my family's well being over her wishes.

I don't know what kind of friend asks you to do that anyway.

I certainly don't know what kind of friend requires it.

So today it's not so funny. Today I'm pissed.

Anger Management

I've crossed over.

Today I'm just pissed.

Pissed about the way things are.

Pissed about the way things are going to be.

Pissed that things aren't the way I thought they would be...

or wanted them to be...

or, quite honestly, felt I deserved them to be.

I'm not too big a person to admit that, though, I'm not proud of it.

I'm having a hard time not wanting to blame someone.

Mr F is closest.

Unfortunately for him.




The good news is TCM is airing 31 days of Oscar winning movies from years past. Oh I enjoy me some strange mix of movies when I'm feeling down. Last night was The Devil and Miss Jones (excellent). Tonight it's Never Cry Wolf.