Yesterday I went on Facebook (which is a great rarity, I keep a profile up but I do not participate or update and maybe check my messages about once a month). My brother had tagged me in a photo and I went on to comment at my dismay at looking 3 months pregnant in it.
While I was there I noticed that my life long best friend had un-friended me.
My first response was one of disbelief but I also found it humorous and incredibly immature. It felt very middle of 3rd grade not middle of our 30s. The very notion of wanting to be or not wanting to be my friend is nearly three decades in the past... we're not friends, it's more than that.
She's had no communication with me since I told her we could not afford to attend her wedding. That was in June... and it was THE TRUTH. I've been respectful of her need for space and her feelings. I understand that she was disappointed and have been waiting for her to let me back into her life. Patiently.
Wasn't that enough? Really. Isn't just ignoring me enough? I think it is interesting and, yes, disappointing, that she needed to rub my nose in it.
Because if I'm really dead-to-her why not just continue to avoid all contact. Why reach out in a strange, purposeful, passive aggressive manner? What is my appropriate response to that? To feel punished? Ashamed? Unworthy?
Message received: I'm not good enough.
The impulse is to retaliate... or to defend myself... but that just justifies it... the notion that I did something wrong when I placed my family's well being over her wishes.
I don't know what kind of friend asks you to do that anyway.
I certainly don't know what kind of friend requires it.
So today it's not so funny. Today I'm pissed.
32 comments:
geez I don't blame you...she sounds like a big time ass-hat
She does sound like an ass-hat.
However, Facebook is crappy sometimes. I supposedly de-friended a person who emailed me pissed off. I had no idea what she was talking about, but when I checked we weren't friends anymore. Facebook thinks its funny I think.
I'm not defending her at all, but it gives you a passive-aggressive WTF? opportunity: Send her a friend request with a note something like I noticed that I've been having problems with FB and lost a few friends. So I had to send some new requests. Sorry about that.
If nothing - she's beyond asshat and doesn't deserve you.
Whether she un-friended you or not, her reaction is completely childish. Middle of 3rd grade, indeed.
Facebook does sometimes dump people for no reason other than to just do it. Maybe she didn't really unfriend you, but Facebook did. Send her a message via her inbox and ask. You know what they say about assuming. :)
Mrs Smitty & Smoochie,
Interesting. I did not know that about FB. Good to know. I actually sent her a real note (USPS) this morning just saying that I saw she took me off and I was sad to see that. I wished her well and told her I missed our friendship. I was afraid if I emailed her or sent her a message on FB and she really is in dead-to-me mode she wouldn't even check it and just delete it. If it's a misunderstanding I'm sure I'll hear from her. If not... I'm sure I won't.
But my gut tells me she did do it on purpose...
Facebook was the little slither of communication that got me talking to my mother again but now she is telling all my sisters that she is de-friending me since I cant find the time to return her phone calls that are only to let me know how horrible all her daughters have treated her good grief FB is not my friend. Good luck with your friend situation.
Does your friend read your blog? I just can't understand her actions.
julie,
I'm not sure. Back in the day she did... which... kind of brings up the whole legitimacy of our financial state. You know? What part of all that was she not processing at the time? I don't know if she does now or not. If she does she can see how her actions make me feel... if she doesn't it won't matter either way. That's kind of how I look at it. But I suspect she doesn't it's just more her style to cut me out than the keep tabs on me.
If your instincts are correct, I'm so sorry that she isn't more understanding.
How's this for a hapless attempt at giving her the benefit of the doubt: I routinely clean up my Facebook friends list and delete people who never post updates of their own. Since I do post to FB frequently, it creeps me out a little bit that people are lurking and not posting. Maybe she was just cleaning up her list and decided since you don't use FB there wasn't any point in having you on her list?
Okay, that was a weak attempt. But like you, I wouldn't be able to just let it go, and I think a note was the perfect solution. I hope she reads it and remembers what she's missing.
Deb,
It seems like only one person got culled if that is the case. ;)
I should also say that she also never really posts on FB either.
Andrea,
Oh I'm sorry to hear that your still having troubles with your mom :(
I'm sorry Mrs F!!
If I could friend you twice on Facebook I WOULD!!!! Even THREE times.
How about you delete me and I'll ask again?? Whatever works to make you smile!!!
I hope you are surviving the kid hell you are in. Would you consider it to be hell? All those kids running around. I know I only have four but at times I wonder, "Is this what hell is like only I'm asking for water."
SHRUG! I am feeling better at the moment and catching up on work. Then I will spray the keyboard down with lysol.
LORD KNOWS I don't want husband to get sick or I would think I was in hell.
Supermom,
"LORD KNOWS I don't want husband to get sick or I would think I was in hell. "
That is Hell. ;)
funderson,
I'm pissed. I tried to laugh it off yesterday but today I'm just feeling ticked off. Just be direct already!!! If you hate me say it and move on.
AT22,
Thank you for saying that because that is what I think, but of course I am also guilt ridden about everything and start to question my judgement.
LAME! Grow up peter pan, count chocula!! (Sorry too much Wedding Crashers this week! lol) Unfriending people is so friggin childish, you are completely right! Just be an adult and say you want nothing to do with the friendship anymore! UGH!
I'm with supermom, I'll friend you on FB! Two or three times if you want! :D
I have typed a comment three times and deleted them all because I am so upset for you, defensive for you and loyal TO you....anyone who knows your heart and hello, that's not hard to see from your blog, knows that what you did, you did for the welfare of your FAMILY....and now that she has one maybe she will grow to understand that priority and realize what a mistake she made.....one day.
In the meantime she left open a spot for a new BFF...PICK ME, PICK ME, PICK ME!!!!
LOL @Kiki .. you are so funny!
lame-wad.
I just don't get it.
Well, actually I'd get it if she was going through some really big life challenges.
Or if you hadn't been friends your WHOLE life.
Or if you had any responsibility in the apparent TRAUMA that you caused her. It's not like you wouldn't have jumped on an airplane in a heartbeat if someone had deposited and extra $1,000 in your bank account. I mean, Even if you had offended her for a legitimate reason -- It seems like a lot of effort to go to to make sure that person is NOT in your life.
I am just so taken aback that an adult could be THAT immature.
Seriously Mrs. F. If I knew you both in real life I would just call her up on the phone today. WHAT IS UP WOMAN.
Well, there's always Dr. Phil, right?
p.s. I just laughed at your comment on my other blog. Aerobics with kids = rollicking good time. :)
If you want to collect some Facebook friends, I'll be more than happy to add you. That is, if you don't think having a funeral director as a friend is too creepy! :) Then again...I know what to do with dead bodies...might be helpful...
Lorelai,
You're a funeral director? Fascinating!
BsOnlyToots,
"Grow up peter pan, count chocula!!"
word.
Kiki,
"In the meantime she left open a spot for a new BFF...PICK ME, PICK ME, PICK ME!!!!"
You've got it!
Katieo,
"Aerobics with kids = rollicking good time"
Oh man... it takes a lot of patience. As I said to Mr F "it can be a good workout but it really makes me realize how much more I get out of working out alone." It's not only not a stress reliever it is stress inducing.
oh and this...
"Well, there's always Dr. Phil, right?"
That would be one entertaining episode!
Good to know that FB occasionally dumps friends, but I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that this was a deliberate "UnFriend."
I wouldn't have thought so prior to this whole wedding fiasco, but now believe it is 100% typical lashing-out behavior from this person.
BSonly.....heehee, I'm glad you got the humor, I didn't want to come off stalker-like!!
Mrs F....yeah!!!! (raising right hand) I promise to be a loyal BFF and proclaim loudly that everything you do is genius and treat you as the Fifth Sister!!!
I am sorry about your friend. I had a similar situation where I lost a good friend via her choice. I grieved the relationship, and it took me a long time (over 4 years - it seems long, and it's not like I was sitting around moping all that time, but it was like losing a family member, i had known her all my life). It was a loss. Incidentally, she is back in my life, mostly due to contact thru facebook. But I haven't fully forgotten what that felt like, being deliberately un-friended by someone. It is painful. Hugs to you.
"Aerobics with kids = rollicking good time"
haha, yes, I was being sarcastic.
Katieo,
Yeah, I got that. Any mother would. ;)
Me, Only Better,
Oh I'm sorry for you too. And it sounds like it isn't the same relationship it was before. That's kind of what I'm afraid of even if she did let me back in.
Kiki,
5th sister?! Wow. That's a deal.
I was in a dysfunctional BFF relationship. As long as it was all about her, everything was fine. When I started to notice the crappy, snarky things she did to other people for no reason, I started to see her in another light. Even though I feel ten tons lighter without having her in my life, sometimes I miss her and the fun we had together. That's part of my growing up and knowing that even though I made the right decision, I can still be a bit sad that I had to make it. Just because she's not the person I want her to be doesn't make her a bad person. Being a person that always has to make people feel bad to make herself feel better does.
Don't we have enough drama in our lives without FB screwing with us? Hopefully your friend will be ready to get over her little snit due to the fact that you have to live in reality. If not, I'm sorry that you lost a friend who turned out to be less of a friend that you deserve.
Why would you want to be let back in?
My best friend and college roommate dumped me (as in moved out of our apartment, took her fridge and left my ice cream to melt on the kitchen floor when I was at work) because I decided to marry a foreigner I had only known for 2 months. I was 26 years old...it's not like a was young and naive. She said she couldn't support my decisions - although she did offer to come to my wedding in the end. I told her that wouldn't be necessary.
Yesterday was my 15th wedding anniversary.
I'm thinking my decision was okay.
My friendship means a lot to me so I hope it means a lot to the people who I call friend. I'm there for them through thick and thin - no matter what is going on. That is how it's supposed to be - obviously your "friend" has other issues if she couldn't understand that the only reason you could not attend her wedding was financial. I'd be interested to know if she cut anyone else out of her life who didn't do what she wanted during the wedding.
Yeah, I have lost friends for related reasons...why would someone that cares about you put you in the position to stretch yourself or your family to far FOR THEM? I would NEVER, have never done that...it's just wrong.
BTW, I left facebook- for good...it brought nothing but stress to my house..and I refuse to let that happen.
It could be worse. I know someone who was "unfriended"...by her own sister!! (Elizabeth, UF'd by Carolyn.)
CM,
That is hilarious. Poor Elizabeth.
They've gotten past it...and are at least for for the moment, "friends."
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