Thursday, January 28, 2010

Sit Down

(especially you Mom)

I don't even know how to fully explain everything that has happened, our thought process, and ultimately our decision... or even considering some of my readership if I should. Not all of it makes sense or is what I would have predicted we would do even a week ago. But having made our decision both Mr F and I feel that it was the RIGHT decision.


Two weeks ago Mr F was offered (finally) the job back in Ann Arbor.

And

WE'RE TURNING IT DOWN.

In my heart of hearts I have long felt that this job would not be as personally fulfilling to Mr F, even if it was more acclaimed (it is), paid better (it doesn't...corporate cuts abound wherever we go it seems), and allowed for us to have a better social support system.

This job has a set subject matter... that will never change... and on some level there would be, over the course of a career, a certain level of redundancy for him.

This job would not be a better fit for him. Yes it would offer more long term financial benefits, more recognition and acclaim, but I don't believe it will offer him the same creative stimulation (long term... and moving there for this would be a FINAL move and a long term commitment).

Mr F would give that up for me. But, you know, as much as I don't like living in Asheville and don't see us here long term... Mr F gave that up to move to Michigan for me once before. AND WE WEREN'T HAPPIER.

Mr F and I aren't the same. I get creative and personal fulfillment from a lot of places in my life. I have about 100 careers I could enjoy doing. Mr F has a more specified interest. He is really gifted at and focused on and fulfilled by his job . Even if he's had pay cut after pay cut he is still happier here than he was in Michigan because his current job offers him diverse material, a fast pace, and creative control.

And that matters to me. Not in some altruistic fashion... but because living with someone who has no outlet for their passion makes them angry, resentful, and miserable. Not that he was a total asshole (on purpose) but we suffered for it more than he was aware of. And his constant bottling up of those feelings led to CONSTANT passive aggressive acting out... that I DID NOT ENJOY living with. And the reality is that's not fun for me. That is not something I want to go back to. I don't think that is a fair trade.

So at the end of the day I'm less unhappy here (now... there has been an adjustment) than I think he was there.

That does not mean we're here forever. The situation has not improved for us financially and most likely won't anytime soon. Things are hard and money is tight. But I think we need to be very careful not to throw ourselves out of the pot and into the fire. It's easy when you feel you aren't getting the proper compensation for your labor (he's not) to want to take the first thing that comes along. Especially when it's an easy choice... going someplace we know... not starting over (believe me that would be EASIEST). What it means is taking this one day at a time and being sure that a new situation meets ALL of our needs and not get caught up in a fantasy.

And just making that decision. Choosing to stay here, in this job, made it all seem more bearable. Before we had felt so beaten down by everything that has been done to us that it was hard to think of anything else. Now we can both look at this as a choice that we're making.

So thanks to the other job for the offer without it we wouldn't have had the opportunity to chose to stay. Before we were just stuck.

30 comments:

Claire said...

Congratulations! Wow! I am surprised - but am so happy for you that you have come through the decision making process intact!!! I really believe that you've made the best decision for your whole family.

julie said...

Congratulations!!

not get caught up in a fantasy Word on that. Tom and I do that all of the time...we have learned to try to reality check each other.

You must feel so relieved, too, that the decision is finally made. Good for you for really thinking it out and committing to make the move/job change when (almost) all of the pieces make sense.

Nutmeg said...

It is definitely game changing to be offered what you think you want, give it a serious thought and then choose to keep what you have, at least for now.

I think it will make a big difference in how you feel about things!

angie said...

Tears. Mostly tears. But a good chunk of happiness for you. But today tears for me. Tomorrow all hapiness for you.

lucinda said...

Do I want you guys closer? Absolutely. Do I think your decision was gutsy and right? Oh yes.

Brina said...

okay, now it's definitely *yay* for the decision - i can only agree to the "I really think taking control is going to pay off in the end"-label!

congrats for having the guts and taking the unexpected decision :)

angie said...

Lucinda said absolutely perfectly. Exactly what I was thinking.

Mrs Furious said...

Angie,
Oh I am sad about it too. More sad/mad that it came down the way it did so that we had to walk away. BUT I think walking away now will leave us in better standings with them later when the right opportunity might open up at the right pay... then the other potential scenario would have.

Mrs. Smitty said...

Congrats on being done with having to make a decision!

And to the gutsy decision. It seems that a gutsy decision always pays off better in the long run than the safe one.

I hope the family gets well soon too and you have some peace in the household.

Supermom said...

I'm being selfish when I say this,

"I'm glad you are staying!"

For personal reasons you know!

I'm sorry you felt stuck to begin with and had to do all this waiting. Making this decision must have felt AWESOME, because you were in charge!

Torey said...

I'm with Angie on this. I'm so happy for all of you that you made a decision, and that you're in a good place, but I'm sad because we enjoyed having you guys here!

Congrats on being over the choice!

Smitty said...

I will admit that at first blush the choice...not that I have anything to do with it whatsoever nor that it affects me...seemed counterintuitive. But the points you make are right, ultimately. I took a job once that I thought was going to propel me further down a path I wanted to take. Turns out, I not only didn't want the job, but I hated the path, and was a douchebag to my wife because I hated the job and regretted my choice.

So ya, I hear you...and here here!! Congrats on closure, finality, and the Next Step.

Shirls said...

I think your reasoning is rock solid. A person needs to really like what they do, day in, day out otherwise they are simply miserable and they bring that home. congrats on choosing and not being stuck

Mrs Furious said...

Smitty,
"I will admit that at first blush the choice...not that I have anything to do with it whatsoever nor that it affects me...seemed counterintuitive."
Oh believe me that is why it has been so hard to make and why I have been paralyzed unable to do anything but watch American Idol auditions. IF he had gotten the pay initially discussed (pre cuts) we would have taken in. Once the financial benefit was removed and we were looking at a lateral move it made the other deficits stand out more... or... less easy to ignore. And the reality is if we took it that move was going to be on me. Right now we have a common enemy (his employer)... it's not either of our faults were in this situation... and that's better for our marriage ;)

Mr Furious said...

Alas, Smitty. Had we moved, we could have grabbed that beer we never had a few years ago...

--

Yes. There's big difference between having some unfortunate turns happen TO YOU (current job) versus walking eyes wide open into an identical scenario.

running2me said...

I think it all comes down to choice. When YOU pick your own path, it's an attitude and game changer. Congrats on doing what's best for your family in the long run.
When this happens to me, I tell myself ,"Awwwww....I must be growing up .... and it's about time!" LOL
Melissa

Karen said...

I had an inkling it was going to go this way. I am glad you wee able to make this decision. What a tough spot to be in. Mr. F better appreciate you. LOL.

Take care

Kiki said...

Two other people called you "gutsy"....with all my heart I believe in the power of making tough choices and feeling so badass about them....that is so you! You guys made the ballsy choice to do what was scary....I love that!!

P.S. Totally glad you're staying close-ish....AA is one he'll of a roadtrip!!!

Kiki said...

Damn autocorrect...I meant hell!

Andrea said...

Im glad ya'll have been able to make a decision Im sure its been hell. I truly believe you have all the best intentions and your choice will reap great rewards for the Furious clan.

Gigs said...

I feel relieved for you all, that the decision has been made, and that you feel confident in it. Mrs. F., I think you are an amazing spouse to see so clearly what makes your marriage work best, and to value Mr. F's fulfillment and happiness in the way that you do. I'm not sure I have that kind of selflessness in my marriage. You guys are lucky to have each other...no matter where you live!

Golden To Silver Val said...

Blessed is the person who is happy in their work. Not many people love what they do...grab it and hold it dear.

wootini said...

Congratulations! I am sure it is a huge relief to have finally reached a place where you've been able to make a decision.

I have to say I'm impressed by how you've thought this through and your clarity in understanding how the choices would affect your relationship.

Now, maybe you can do homeschooling next year!

And Mr. F, loved the most recent cover, it just came in the mail this week. My DH still can't figure out why we are getting this publication (which shall remain nameless here, just in case). :)

inkelywinkely said...

congrats on knowing what you want...and getting a choice.

inkelywinkely said...

congrats on knowing what you want...and getting a choice.

Deb said...

"Before we were just stuck."

I'm happy for you guys. An active choice feels so much better, particularly if it means that the net is a happier family.

Congratulations on having a decision. That must be a huge weight off your shoulders.

Mr Furious said...

And while it should come as no surprise to most of you, sometimes these things still sneak past me...

We were able to make a decision and feel (relative) comfort with it because we're in a good place and can consider more factors than just the paycheck.

I was aware that as the family CFO, Mrs F was the one who crunched the numbers to give us the data to make the most informed decision possible...

I was aware that as the family therapist, Mrs F is looking at the impact and ramifications of the decision on a bigger scale and longer timeline than me or most people...

And we had a detailed discussion of pros and cons for the family and for my career...

But only when I read the post do I REALLY recognize and appreciate that Mrs F. was on a whole other plane than me and much of her conclusion was based on what was best for ME—and at the expense of what might be best for HER.

I truly am a lucky man.

Patrick Cavan Brown said...

Mr and Mrs Furious... I am so glad that you are staying... SO GLAD! That last line of your post, about not being "stuck" anymore... muy bueno. I adore and appreciate mr furious for his hard work, his creativity, and his sacrifices at work... and I adore and appreciate you, mrs furious, even though I've never met you, for supporting him... thank you. I know mr furious's top priority is his family, I see it in his face, plain as day. Asheville will grow on you, like a fungus, as it continues to grow on me. Opens hearts, open mind... you are not stuck... yay!

BsOnlyToots said...

Congrats! I am glad you guys were able to choose for yourselves this time, and that you will be happier, not being stuck!

gooddog said...

wowsa. what a girl misses when she's off Mrs. F for a couple days. Thinking about you guys during the aftermath of this decision. Either way, I think this time in AVille seems to have stretched you guys and been good for your marriage. And it seems like the kids are happy. At the end of the day... it is what it is. Congrats on doing it together.

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