Big things are churning in the background.
I said to Mr F last night, while we were out surveying our weeds and new driveway.... "Imagine if we hand't been hit by the tornado? This has taken up all of our time for months." And to think, this could just be a normal summer night and we'd have nothing pressing. But instead there is ALWAYS house and yard stuff we have to keep working on as we try and get things repaired and finished. It has really never ended since it began in early March. Now we're trying to grow the new grass seed in a drought, and finish the house painting and grade the hill. So many small things you'd like to do in a normal year have been left to wither on the sidelines of this whole thing which occupies all of our down time. Like getting a light fixture in our dining room instead of the bare bulb that has been hanging there... an intermediate solution Mr F put in the week before the tornado hit.
And we're not even sure we'll be here next year to enjoy it.
Although, we really hope we are.
We are trying to move forward, each day, like we are staying.
But we've been through this a couple times before, and once the ball gets rolling, it's VERY difficult to pretend you don't know things are changing.
And the kids are older, and you can't hide the tension and the preparations... even the very small early steps.
Who knew that being an Art Director's wife would be like being an Army wife moving every 2-3 years? I guess I knew. We made the choice 7 or so years ago, to put his career first... after spending 7 years putting our family first (me first). He's too good at what he does to squander it for my behalf. I'm happier being married to someone that is fulfilled. I already have everything I wanted.
Each move has had the hope and promise of being the last, but I always knew. There is a limited amount of time to reach for this and I won't stand in that way. And I won't sit by and let him sacrifice it either. It means too much to a creative person to be able to create. It's different. It took a while for me to understand that. But I do.
And as hard as moving might be, I want my kids to see that life is about trying. You can't limit your life because you are afraid of what might come next. Good and bad things will happen if you stay or if you go. But respecting and encouraging someone's passion and gifts will always bring more happiness to your life.
No one ever showed me that, demonstrated that in their life choices to me. I don't think anyone ever showed Mr F that either. I'm excited to see what kind of life my girls will create for themselves having been raised in such a different environment. Where there is real belief in people and possibilities, and risk and sacrifice that is not held against it but put behind it.
And I sometimes wonder what kind of life or person I would be if I had had that.
What I might have become.
But then I think maybe it's more of a gift to be able to give it.