Wednesday, April 24, 2013

One stupid update, a bunch of depressing ones, followed by one insightful one... You are welcome

#1  I made some really fantastic french toast late Sunday night, and the girls and I have been reaping the rewards ever since.  Last week, I was talking with my friend who asked about our morning routine (because these things are infinitely fascinating, I know) and I said I make my girls a hot breakfast every single school day.  I also make Kid a hot lunch (or reheat one)... so I pretty much stand at the stove for 45 minutes every single morning.  BUT this is how I do it:  I try to take one day and pound out a huge batch of french toast, or muffins, or waffles, etc and freeze them so I can just reheat that portion of breakfast.  Kid has to go 4+ hours until she eats again, so I do try and make a pretty filling balanced breakfast.  I also, don't have to leave the house when they do, so I don't have to take time out to get myself dressed which makes all this possible.  I get up first and then wake up the kids & Mr F.  They have 35 minutes to get dressed and eat and get in the car.  Because they have to leave so early in the AM we try to keep them sleeping until the last minute possible.  My kids do not do any chores or anything like that in the morning.  Their clothes are laid out (we have no time to spare), they get dressed, eat, brush teeth & hair and walk out the door.  All backpacks are checked and stuffed the night before.

#2  Fascinating, right?!!!

#3  I still have terrible migraines.  One reason I don't blog as much, is because I spend about 200 hours a month in intense pain with extreme light sensitivity which makes looking at a computer excruciating.  In the past year my migraines have changed (not for the better!!!) and now involve my eyes for extended periods (days) on either side of the 4 migraines I typically get each month.  My light sensitivity has intensified and now also includes sporadic partial blindness in my left eye (fun!  and yes, they've been checked it is neurological) and just an overall intense eye pressure that is omnipresent during these episodes.  I can no longer drive at night (or even ride in a car at night) without crazy eye pain from my light sensitivity... that is EVERY day.  Typically, any kind of big light disparity (TV in dark room.... to my horror I discovered movie theaters are now out for me... headlights at night... etc) causes excruciating eye pain.  So, yeah, it's a problem.  I have to live with it every day and there isn't anything I can do.  So there is that.

#4  All of this kind of plays into the depression I was mentioning the other day.  Obviously.  It's kind of depressing to have to live with pain all the time.... and when it is your eyes... it is impossible to avoid.  I can't just try to avoid using them or favor one leg over another type solutions... and the worst part is I can't sleep when they hurt.  At all.  Which is not helping with any part of my life.

#5  God, this all sounds terrible.  See? That's why I try not to blog about it.

#6  The really depressing part is that I'm know that it isn't going away until menopause (if I'm lucky) and, people, that's quite a few years off.  That's depressing... let's not think about it.

#7  Plus, the migraines make me act like an angry drunk for about 2 hours before the pain hits... I am usually a very patient parent, and I HATE that I can't control this and that my kids have to witness it.  We all know what is going on, and I always apologize, but it is the worst part of all of this.  I can take the pain, I just can't take that I lose my cool with my kids.  It isn't fair to them... it isn't in keeping with my character and so it is hard and confusing for them when I have such a sudden mood change.  (And, no, I can't help it, or predict it, or stop it)  Unfortunately, due to the timing of my migraines this moodiness is ALWAYS when Mr F is at work, so I can't just excuse myself to my room.  I tend to shame myself over this a lot.  It is hard.

#8  Try to stick to any kind of eating or workout regime with this level of shit going on in your brain.  It has been impossible.  I might have a great day and workout and think "I'm back on this!"  only to wake up the next day completely lethargic and get sidelined by a migraine for 3 days.  It just keeps knocking the wind out of my sails and while, YES, I know if I could stick with it, regular exercise might actually help... try that when your brain is trying to explode your skull and making you dry heave and making you blind in one eye.  It is kind of a deterrent.  So, the slowly converting to fat over the past two years is frustrating and makes me mad at myself but I'm battling something bigger than will power this time around.  I really yearn to be back where I was, physically before we moved here... before the migraines... and I can be very hard on myself (a theme).  I tell myself that I'm just sabotaging myself (and sure that plays a role), but the real deal is, I live with chronic migraines and it is debilitating.

#9  So, long story short.... I do what I need to do:  cook, shop, clean, errand, drive, take Baby to extracurriculars, help with homework, tutor the Korean friend, cram for over the top tests, read to the girls, keep up on current events, pay the taxes, manage the bills, pick out outfits and do hair, stain treat, fight the teacher, take the girls on vacation, pull weeds, never with any help or babysitters (ever)... you know... I do everything I need to.... I just can't also have 15% body fat .... and maybe the thing I need to stop beating myself up about... is that.  You know?  Maybe being middle aged and average weight is good enough.  Why does that one thing mean more than everything else I do manage to do?

#10  So, yeah, the 5:2 fast diet, which was successful while I did it, is over.  I just don't want to exert judgment about my worth based on how well I am losing (or gaining) weight.  I mean I'm functioning... truthfully in many arenas I still over function... despite chronic pain and I'm sick of having one thing I am not doing negate all that.  So fuck you, society.  If I have an extra hour in the morning (which is rare) I need SLEEP (desperately) and I need to not have that be a decision that implies failure.

#11 And now I will take a shower and judge myself for not working out (some habits are hard to break).


Mrs. Smitty said...

I have a friend who is having chronic migraines also, has for years. She was recently sent to a clinic in Cleveland and they found a temporary solution. I don't know all the details, but she gets botox injections (as a medical procedure, not beauty) and a nerve blocker. It is not permanent, she has to do it every few months (here's where I'm cloudy on the details) but it gives her migraine free weeks. Maybe it's something worth talking to your doctor about?

Good luck, and I hope you find some relief.

Mrs Furious said...

Yes, I've heard of that. I was scared at the sound of it, but if it works hell I'm open to it. I'm also open to becoming a drunk ;)

HC said...

Hey Mrs. F,

I have immense sympathy for you -- my migraines also come with the "aura," which is a lovely name for "I'm suddenly fucking blind." The sudden sparkly bits in my vision that precede the pain causes such a sense of fear in me, and that makes everything worse. I second the rec to look into botox -- I've heard good things. I'm lucky that my migraines are not frequent enough to warrant continuous treatment, but if they ever become chronic I'm tracking that shit down. Be well.

charm73 said...

ok, this may be way out there, but if menopause will stop them, would having a hysterectomy stop them NOW?

Mrs Furious said...

I don't know... I was also wondering if birth control might help since they are hormonal. I have a friend that had a hysterectomy so I'll ask!

I can deal with the pain so much better than the vision shit... it really is debilitating in a whole other way that you can't really overcome. Where do they insert the botox?

Kellie said...

I'm so sorry you've been having such bad migraines. I'm sure it's rough emotionally as well....wondering when it's going to hit. I have a friend who just had her uterus removed and her ovaries died naturally and that helped her plus it's been about 15 years and she hasn't had any hormone issues. Maybe that would be an option? I am supposed to be having a uterine ablation, but I haven't gotten up the courage to schedule it!

I've noticed the last probably 4-5 years that my eyes are becoming more sensitive to light. I wear my sunglasses outside at all times...cloudy or sunny. I am often the weirdo in Target or the grocery store with my sunglasses on!

HC said...

Not sure about placement - if it's around the whole head or just at the locus of pain. Not sure if shots are more attractive than going on a med regimen, but something to keep in mind.

Liz Olson said...

Mrs. Furious- long time reader, haven't commented in forever. So sorry you're going through all this. I am looking forward to school getting out for the girls so you get a break. You're able to do all of the most important things, try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done!). Hoping you find some relief soon. Also glad you're not getting severe weather! I have tornado fight or flight reactions every time it rains and we no longer live in a tornado-prone area! Take care.

Nutmeg said...

I had chronic migraines, multiple times a week from second grade until I was suddenly relieved of them when I was about 23. I wish I had something helpful to say. I had terrible light sensitivity, vertigo and was struck with the inability to organize my thoughts into words. In college, I finally got a CT scan and broke down in tears when I didn't have a brain tumor. None of the many things my doctors and I tried helped and I couldn't even take the typical migraine medicines because you cannot take them every day or two. My only home remedies help with the pain, nothing to do for the photophobia anyway, though laying with an icy facemask and a pillow on my head still sounds nice today.

It is possible for them to randomly go away. I don't know WHY mine disappeared... but I do know I live with fear in the back of my mind that they will return.

Parenting in constant pain sucks the big one. I made Eli cry tuesday because I suddenly told him he needed to go away. I have a lot of guilt about how much rest I need, how much time i need to spend with a heating pad wrapped around me. I feel bad because I decided I could have a second child when I was feeling more well and now I feel like they'll both suffer because I can't be as awesome as other moms, or as awesome as I want to be. Some weeks they eat noodles and salad 3 nights a week for dinner because that's all I can manage to cook and I couldn't manage to go the grocery store...

But they know I love them, and I hope they remember that I did my best on the days I feel good.

And you blow me out of the water, mama! I know you know all this, but I just wanted to remind you how awesome you are and how special you make every day for those girls.

Julie said...

It must be so hard to do all that you do while being in such pain. That is so exhausting and depressing. I have a friend who takes the pill for her migraines. Her situation is not as hard as yours though.

Hey, this comment is continued on my blog since I just started writing and writing so I moved it to my blog so as to not bore everyone with my not really related stream of consciousness & depressing hashing of my life as if I am talking to you.

Leenie said...

I'm sorry the migraines are so terrible. I've suffered with them for years, so I literally know your pain.

Have you thought about doing a sleep study? When I moved to Indy my new neurologist suggested cutting all caffeine and alcohol then did a sleep study. Reason for my migraines (in addition to those listed above)? Narcolepsy.

Hope you find some releive soon.

Mrs Furious said...

narcolepsy?! Interesting... did you not have any other symptoms. I'm scheduling an appointment with neuro since my sleep as actually started to become really messed up and I wake up feeling like I never slept at all. Which is killing me.

Mrs Furious said...

thank you so much for the kind comments on this post. I'm sorry I didn't get back to everyone individually. I did read them! Time has been really hard for me to find these days.

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