#1 I made some really fantastic french toast late Sunday night, and the girls and I have been reaping the rewards ever since. Last week, I was talking with my friend who asked about our morning routine (because these things are infinitely fascinating, I know) and I said I make my girls a hot breakfast every single school day. I also make Kid a hot lunch (or reheat one)... so I pretty much stand at the stove for 45 minutes every single morning. BUT this is how I do it: I try to take one day and pound out a huge batch of french toast, or muffins, or waffles, etc and freeze them so I can just reheat that portion of breakfast. Kid has to go 4+ hours until she eats again, so I do try and make a pretty filling balanced breakfast. I also, don't have to leave the house when they do, so I don't have to take time out to get myself dressed which makes all this possible. I get up first and then wake up the kids & Mr F. They have 35 minutes to get dressed and eat and get in the car. Because they have to leave so early in the AM we try to keep them sleeping until the last minute possible. My kids do not do any chores or anything like that in the morning. Their clothes are laid out (we have no time to spare), they get dressed, eat, brush teeth & hair and walk out the door. All backpacks are checked and stuffed the night before.
#2 Fascinating, right?!!!
#3 I still have terrible migraines. One reason I don't blog as much, is because I spend about 200 hours a month in intense pain with extreme light sensitivity which makes looking at a computer excruciating. In the past year my migraines have changed (not for the better!!!) and now involve my eyes for extended periods (days) on either side of the 4 migraines I typically get each month. My light sensitivity has intensified and now also includes sporadic partial blindness in my left eye (fun! and yes, they've been checked it is neurological) and just an overall intense eye pressure that is omnipresent during these episodes. I can no longer drive at night (or even ride in a car at night) without crazy eye pain from my light sensitivity... that is EVERY day. Typically, any kind of big light disparity (TV in dark room.... to my horror I discovered movie theaters are now out for me... headlights at night... etc) causes excruciating eye pain. So, yeah, it's a problem. I have to live with it every day and there isn't anything I can do. So there is that.
#4 All of this kind of plays into the depression I was mentioning the other day. Obviously. It's kind of depressing to have to live with pain all the time.... and when it is your eyes... it is impossible to avoid. I can't just try to avoid using them or favor one leg over another type solutions... and the worst part is I can't sleep when they hurt. At all. Which is not helping with any part of my life.
#5 God, this all sounds terrible. See? That's why I try not to blog about it.
#6 The really depressing part is that I'm know that it isn't going away until menopause (if I'm lucky) and, people, that's quite a few years off. That's depressing... let's not think about it.
#7 Plus, the migraines make me act like an angry drunk for about 2 hours before the pain hits... I am usually a very patient parent, and I HATE that I can't control this and that my kids have to witness it. We all know what is going on, and I always apologize, but it is the worst part of all of this. I can take the pain, I just can't take that I lose my cool with my kids. It isn't fair to them... it isn't in keeping with my character and so it is hard and confusing for them when I have such a sudden mood change. (And, no, I can't help it, or predict it, or stop it) Unfortunately, due to the timing of my migraines this moodiness is ALWAYS when Mr F is at work, so I can't just excuse myself to my room. I tend to shame myself over this a lot. It is hard.
#8 Try to stick to any kind of eating or workout regime with this level of shit going on in your brain. It has been impossible. I might have a great day and workout and think "I'm back on this!" only to wake up the next day completely lethargic and get sidelined by a migraine for 3 days. It just keeps knocking the wind out of my sails and while, YES, I know if I could stick with it, regular exercise might actually help... try that when your brain is trying to explode your skull and making you dry heave and making you blind in one eye. It is kind of a deterrent. So, the slowly converting to fat over the past two years is frustrating and makes me mad at myself but I'm battling something bigger than will power this time around. I really yearn to be back where I was, physically before we moved here... before the migraines... and I can be very hard on myself (a theme). I tell myself that I'm just sabotaging myself (and sure that plays a role), but the real deal is, I live with chronic migraines and it is debilitating.
#9 So, long story short.... I do what I need to do: cook, shop, clean, errand, drive, take Baby to extracurriculars, help with homework, tutor the Korean friend, cram for over the top tests, read to the girls, keep up on current events, pay the taxes, manage the bills, pick out outfits and do hair, stain treat, fight the teacher, take the girls on vacation, pull weeds, never with any help or babysitters (ever)... you know... I do everything I need to.... I just can't also have 15% body fat .... and maybe the thing I need to stop beating myself up about... is that. You know? Maybe being middle aged and average weight is good enough. Why does that one thing mean more than everything else I do manage to do?
#10 So, yeah, the 5:2 fast diet, which was successful while I did it, is over. I just don't want to exert judgment about my worth based on how well I am losing (or gaining) weight. I mean I'm functioning... truthfully in many arenas I still over function... despite chronic pain and I'm sick of having one thing I am not doing negate all that. So fuck you, society. If I have an extra hour in the morning (which is rare) I need SLEEP (desperately) and I need to not have that be a decision that implies failure.
#11 And now I will take a shower and judge myself for not working out (some habits are hard to break).