Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Adjustment Period

The neighbors' secured their wireless network. I've got some posts lined up... but I will not be able to return comments (even less often than I have been this trip) reliably (if at all). But keep them up... I do read them... and sometimes it's my only connection to the outside world!

Things are not going as well as I had hoped. Mr F is here and I was really looking forward to seeing him. Unfortunately I kind of forgot how hard it is for me to switch over from fiercely independent, hyper functioning, wonder woman to Mrs F... married to Mr F... who has ADD.

Which he has not been treating.

As evidenced by his maddeningly irresponsible behavior.

As I said to him last night... "Either you are the biggest passive aggressive asshole on planet Earth or you have ADD. Which one? Go get your damn medication refilled."

It's pretty typical for people on medication to think that they don't need it anymore... you know... because things are going so well.

It couldn't be that THE MEDICATION WAS ACTUALLY WORKING could it?

I do get it. I get that no one wants to need medication to function.

But Mr F is not one person living in isolation. He's in a marriage and a family. How he functions affects all of us.

And a decision about whether or not he is going to discontinue treatment is a decision that needs to be made TOGETHER.

In the two days before he came here he slept in and forgot to take Canine to the groomer (also went to work late), didn't take Canine to the boarder on time, and MISSED HIS FLIGHT. That's just two days... and just the things I know about.

So instead of a nice peaceful week together... things... have... been...

difficult

and

disappointing.

People who don't live with adult ADD can't understand how stressful it can be. At times I feel like I'm living with someone with dementia. Other times I feel like I have another kid. It's frustrating for both of us. I want to have an actual partner who I can trust. Mr F means well but he is not reliable.

When we're separated things often get a little worse. Mostly because I realize how much easier it is for me to function without the ADD in my everyday. I don't know. It's hard to explain. But I imagine for a normal family being separated and having to deal with your kids on your own, without a break, 24 hours a day would be harder than it is to live life with two parents present. And for me it's the opposite. And, so, when I have to deal with everything and the ADD I start to resent it, because I've had a taste of what it would be like without it.

And, truthfully, that's scary for both of us.

Being away from it, having a break from every little way it permeates my day to day life only makes it all the more obvious, and annoying, when we're back together.

Mr F has promised to call the doctor when he gets back and to get his medication refilled before I come home.

He's also promised that the next time he decides to go off his medication he will actually discuss it with me first.(And he'll be prepared for the divorce papers he'll be receiving shortly thereafter)

I now know why things have been a bit more out of control... and that does make it a bit easier for me to bear. For there to be an explanation for why things are worse... not that we've all just lost our minds in the last month. And with that there is hope that things can get better again.

9 comments:

Torey said...

I know what you go through. Nathaniel has ADD as well, and frequently doesn't want to take his meds on the weekends or vacations. He honestly doesn't NOTICE the HUGE differece it makes. But I sure as hell do.

I think a lot of people associate ADD with a lacK of attention to detail, but it's much larger. When he's off his medication, he actually can focus on details really well, it's the big picture he misses. Yes, the grass is about an inch oo long, but the house is a disaster area. . .so he mows the lawn. Or washes his car. Or spends three hours updating the TIVO.

And he also develops an even greater inability to communicate. He'll wake up before me and the kids, and take off for the hardware store to get a piece he needs for some stupid task (see TIVO above) and be gone for hours without so much as a note. And if he actually TAKES his cell phone, it's either on silent or has no battery. And then he can't understand why I'm mad.

You start to lose out on simple things. You waste money because things get broken, or forgotten. (Tries to put too much in a drawer and it breaks. Buys really expensive meat having completely forgotten the budget, and then leaves it on the counter for the dog). He leaves a mess in his wake and then gets angry that he can't find his. . .wallet, cell phone, keys, LAPTOP.

It's endless, and frusterating. . . for everyone.

And with that, I must go to the doctor. . . if Nathaniel gets home in time to take the kids.

Haley said...

Oh man, that sounds tough on both of you. I don't know whether I'd have the patience and the prespective to handle that situation, to fully and consistently recognize the behavior as a medical issue (which I do completely accept that it is)without getting aggravated and seeing it as someone's fault. You are a more evolved lady than I. :)

Glad to hear you guys are working it out -- hope your vacation is on the upswing.

julie said...

I always find it hard when Tom comes back after being away. I have the whole system down. I end up resenting Tom more when he first comes back because he should know what to do. When I am alone, there is no one to resent. You just do what you have to do.

It must be doubly (is that a word? it looks weird) hard to then be dealing with someone with ADD.

Thankfully Tom does not have ADD. Unfortunately, I think he is just lazy;)

gooddog said...

Wow... Torey, that was an amazingly accurate description of my life. Thanks.

Mrs. F, I am so sorry that he is playing the meds game. Not fun, not fair, and not ever successful. It's a little like someone with bipolar going med-free. Or, hey, an alcoholic deciding to take "just one drink". I swear they THINK they still have it all under control. Then they miss their flight.

Anyway, here's hoping things look up this week. get some time to yourself while he's there! You'll need it for the next 2 weeks sole-parenting.

And just remember, school starts rediculously early down here in North Cakalacky so before you know it you'll be back in a groove. That's what I'm holding out for at the Bland household!

Mrs Furious said...

Torey,
I could have written that. That is exactly what Mr F is like.

LOL at ...
"And if he actually TAKES his cell phone, it's either on silent or has no battery. And then he can't understand why I'm mad."


Gooddog,
" Or, hey, an alcoholic deciding to take "just one drink"."

That is exactly the analogy I gave him yesterday.


Haley,
Oh it took me about 7 years to believe it wasn't intentional on his part.


Julie,
"Unfortunately, I think he is just lazy;)"
Bwahaha... there is some of that too.

hicktowndiva said...

You know, CVS has auto-refills now...they fill your prescription for you and call to remind you to pick it up. It's really handy if you need to stay on meds consistently, and/or if you are forgetful about refills. I love this service--my scrips are ready when I get to the pharmacy now with no waiting.

inkelywinkely said...

Walgreens also has this, and you can fill them online if they are not on the ready fill program.

Mrs Furious said...

Thanks ladies... but... he has auto refill. He let his entire prescription lapse... on purpose (kind of).

He now has to get a new prescription.

Mr Furious said...

Without getting into excuse-making (because I don't really have one) I'll just explain that the ADD meds are a controlled substance. I cannot get a prescription with refills. I need a new prescription every month. I had a doc in MI who graciously supplied me with a small stack of pre-written scrips, and was happy to mail me new ones but she left private practice and I need to find a new local doctor who will prescribe the meds.

I've made this into a bigger deal than it probably needs to be by telling myself I'll need to re-demonstrate the need for medication, among other things, and just the whole thing with potentially needing to find a new psychiatrist and everything that entails as opposed to a normal family doctor.

As Mrs F and I agreed, I just need to get off my ass and do what I need to. Whatever that ends up being.

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