I'm still working my way through that happiness book. I actually think the fact that I can only manage to find time enough to squeeze out a few pages a day has been a positive. It's allowed me to really sink into it and savor it's messages bit by thought provoking bit.
I have had lots of "Ah ha" moments and "Amen to that"s.
But mostly it has helped to THINK about what the hell I'm doing to myself.
Last week the mother of a baby (THE baby I was supposed to watch initially) informed me that she's dropping him off the Tuesday we get back from vacation.
Just flat out assumed that I am, now, watching her baby full time.
And because I'm me, and mortally flawed, I didn't say anything.
I didn't say "I'm full", "Let me think about it", "How much are you going to pay me?"
No. I said "alright".
And then I went home and contemplated the panic attack I wanted to have. Three infants?! I cannot do it. I don't want to do it. I DON'T NEED TO DO IT.
What the fuck is my fucking problem?!
Why am I so concerned about disappointing/inconveniencing other people? Why am I so willing to throw myself under the bus?!
This is what I said to Mr F "I guess I can do anything if I just take it one day at a time."
Yes, I guess I can. But the point is I DON'T NEED TO DO IT. It is going to make me stressed and tired and incapable of spending any quality time with Baby. For a few more dollars a day.
I'd rather go back to skimping on groceries and making my own bread.
I'd rather go back to one gallon of milk a week.
Why can't I ever protect my own interests?
Why do I find the fear that I may disappoint someone (strong emphasis on may) so overwhelming that I will hurt myself rather than risk it?
Because let me make it clear... I do not have the energy or time resources to care for 3 infants and a couple of toddlers by myself. I just don't. I could do it... I could live through the eight hours. But I will suffer for it.
And my family will suffer.
I'm not living my best life.
I'm not living the best life I can live under the present circumstances even. I'm actively (or inactively) choosing to live my worst life under the present circumstances.
What is up with that?
I keep telling myself that it will be over soon. I'll set a limit and stop watching these kids in June. But, really, will I? If I can't say no to a single one of their request now... will I actually set a limit in June? And what of these next six months? Am I willing to just "live through" it? For what purpose? I'm staying home with my girls because I believe that is important... and, now, I'm home but not able to meet their needs. For what? A hundred or so dollars a week? It doesn't even make a financial impact... and certainly not one worth the time and energy drain.
I do this stuff, to different levels, to myself all the time.
I have very simple goals for my life. Very simple, readily attainable, things bring me happiness.
Spending time with my girls. Having time and energy for creative pursuits. For reading.
I can have all those things. I can't live a life without hardships, but I can live a life that is filled with nuggets of joy DAILY.
And I don't.
Not because I can't.
But because it is easier for me to say "Yes" than it is to say "No".