Saturday, December 11, 2010

It's Getting Harder...

To both live my life and write about it at the same time.

I feel very different from the person I was three years ago when I started all this.

In ways that are harder to talk about.

I don't want to alienate the friends I've made... but... I think that's getting hard not to do.

The things I think about are much more serious... much less frivolous... maybe less generally relatable (or maybe not...).

Sometimes I don't know what to say (here) without seeming like I am trying too hard to avoid the obvious.

Sometimes I feel like you bought a different book only to find in Chapter 20 that it isn't what you thought at all.

And maybe you don't like it. Or won't.

But I just am not the same.

Sometimes I see old posts I wrote 3 years ago... and it's like I was on Crack back then.

Like looking at a photo album from college.

Things were easier.

Simpler.

Less weighty.

And, yet, this is a good time in my life.

Better (on a deeper level).

Just quieter.

Less talk, more action.

I think.

13 comments:

sara said...

Though I can't say that I've read your blog since the time of its inception, I have thoroughly enjoyed all you posts since I started reading.

I think it's only natural that your writing reflect wherever you are in life. We're all evolving, right??

Here's to Mrs. Furious! If you keep posting, I'll keep reading :)

-SawSaw

Gigs said...

You have done something amazing by documenting and sharing so much of your life; the growth of your kids, the humor in your marriage, the honest emotions...Personally, I still like the book, even chapter 20, but that doesn't mean you have to keep writing it. You'll still remain one of my favorite authors, no matter what you do!

Julie said...

I know what you mean. I was just thinking about how we 'met' 3 years ago. Late nights with ridiculous barbs back and forth, trying to crack one another up. I was thinking of how there seemed to be more time--emotionally and otherwise for that. I love you, kiddo, and am always here.

G in Berlin said...

People grow and change, and with that blog readers come and go. Be true to yourself and those who read and comment are the ones you want to be communicating and interacting with.

angie said...

got nothing to say but i love you no matter what. and julie rocks.

Alexandra said...

G in Berlin said it well.

Julie said...

Oh Angie, you KNOW I think you rock, too.

It's a love fest here.

Mrs Furious said...

Thank you, ladies. Obviously, right now, I'd really like to spend about an hour or so a day writing about Kid and homeschooling. But it's hard, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be everything for every person. I really should just start another blog for that purpose. Homeschooling is kind of like being pregnant, people feel free to make whatever type of comment they want, just as they feel free to touch your growing belly. And it just isn't something I have the energy to defend so it kind of quiets my voice. In part, and similarly to a lot of parenting decisions, I don't want anyone to think I'm judging them if they aren't choosing my choice. You know, if I write about how much better our curriculum is than the public school... some people will feel attacked. It's hard to start having to constantly explain and edit for fear of someone else's projections or insecurities. It's hard to be as honest and expressive as I'd like. Kid's anxiety is actually a gift in this situation since it kind of shuts up some of the opposition who would otherwise have stronger things to say... even though... I've been thinking of doing this since she was 2. But I also don't want to hide behind that, since that is just the easy answer for people, and not the entirety of the situation. I don't want to keep throwing her under the bus to avoid a confrontation (here or in real life).

Gigs,
goodness... thank you...
(hilarious adult ADD special on PBS "ADD and loving it" see if you can still catch it)

Deb said...

You've always been authentic, and I think that's why readers have stayed. That's why I've stayed. I might not always identify with your story, but I always found a way to relate to you and what you were saying, and sometimes I found a new way to look at things. Just do what you want to do and remember we didn't pay $24.95 for this book, so you owe us nothing.

I'm a little sad to think you're editing yourself out of concern for other people's feelings about their school choices. In part, because I think you not being open and honest weighs on you (that's the impression I've gotten from the past few years anyway), and in part, for selfish reasons. I'm very curious about this new path you're taking, because alternate schooling options are something that have been on our mind for a while and are now really coming to a head in our house. I've only seen blogs about people who are currently homeschooling, rather than people who are just starting it. It's an interesting perspective, and you're making me feel like it's very doable.

Mrs Furious said...

Deb,
Shockingly doable. The first week was hard... only because I was beating myself up the whole time regarding Kid's leaving friends behind. I am super happy with the curriculum we're using. I really followed my first instinct on that front (been researching different methods and curriculums for a couple of years) and am 100% confident I made the right choice for her interest level and my personality. The only difficulty is Baby. If we're still doing this next year, she might be ready to do some things of her own... but now she's a little ticked that she went from being with me by herself, to being pushed aside so we can do school stuff. I'm working on that. I'm trying to come up with sets of craft projects (she loves glue!) that she can do while we're occupied. I really might

Mrs Furious said...

damn cat! He just published that comment before I was done.

I am thinking of starting a blog to document all the homeschool stuff. I, too, would have loved to watch the beginnings with another family. I've read tons of blogs of amazing families, but still don't know what it is that they are really doing. How it actually works.
I'll let you know... probably start it up after Christmas.

Deb said...

Yep...keep me posted. And Oriental Trading has TONS of cheap craft projects. Between them and Michaels, I manage to keep the kids busy on non-school days. The age difference is killer on those days, and I can only imagine the complication created by trying to school one and occupy the other in a non-terrorist manner.

Kiki said...

I read this on the day you posted it in my reader and meant to get over here and comment....what you are doing, what you have done, your successes and your struggles, all your joy and your sorrow....that honesty, that reality keeps me reading-while my experience is not the same as yours I respect and LOVE the view you give us into what is going on.

I'll always appreciate what you bring to the table, no matter what.....you are doing what is right for YOUR child....that is admirable and awesome!!!

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