Ladies and Gents

The RV still sits in our driveway.  There were a few issues (some we knew for sure and some we have had the pleasure of discovering) that need to get hammered out before she is road worthy.  She's been to the mechanic and now is waiting on the RV coach shop to get some of those things taken care of. We still got a huge deal on her, and have absolutely no regrets.  How can I regret something I had to buy tiny collapsible colander for??! I can't, people.  Sometimes Mr F and I just sit in the RV dinette in the driveway, look out the big back window and feel 100% amazing.  Seriously.

So, our maiden voyage still awaits.  I had hoped to take the kids to see all of the Laura Ingalls Wilder homestead sites, but as this fixin' up process drags on I think I'll have to postpone that until early next summer.  Also, I decided it was maybe a little crazy to take a 14 day journey in a 17 year old RV alone with no backup for my very FIRST trip out.  So, maybe we'll hit Philly to see my Nana and then scoot about Michigan this first summer. Make sure I know how to use all of the things and have complete road & campsite confidence before I strand us out in the Great Plains.  (But I'm also a little worried about Tornadoes, so I need to plan that trip kind of wisely!!)

Backing up some, right after the RV purchase, Kid shipped out to her first ever sleep away camp experience.  She went for a week to a horse riding camp.  It was... ok.  We'll see how she feels as she reflects on it more.  It wasn't the sleep away aspect, that was the issue, but the going without any friends... and while everyone was nice, everyone also had a friend they brought or knew from past years.  So, mad props for her even considering it... because... Hell to the No... would I sign up for a weird conference where I had to share a bunk bed with a stranger and attended sessions all week long with absolutely no acquaintance to rely on.  Hell to the No.  To the NO.  But this was a good thing in terms of us figuring out where she is at.  Kudos for having the courage to do it!  Kudos for getting through it and finding parts to enjoy.  And, now we feel pretty confident that she should stay at her current school for middle school.  She is doing so well socially and is confident in herself... and... for her, that doesn't transition to every setting (yet).  Let's keep her where she is her best self.

Unfortunately, on the drive home she complained of a sore throat.  And literally the whole entire week after arriving home she was one of the sickest she has ever been (and knowing Kid's medical history that is saying something).  She even ended up in the ER with a 103.9 fever that I couldn't break.  After several days of that, she ended up with both viral pink eye at the tail end of the virus and an ear infection.  So, last week was rough and I pretty much was sleeping dozing off next to her bed with a thermometer in my hand every night.  This week:  we rest!  I kicked that off by staying up until 3AM binge watching all of the Bachelorette episodes on Hulu.  (why do I do it to myself??!)

Other things:  Baby is really into makeovers these days.  We all let her do us over.  I need to get a cosmetology mannequin head and save my eyes!!!  I also need to get her one of those big make up palettes for Christmas.  She would LOVE it.

Speaking of eyes, after YEARS (a lifetime, really) of believing I had better than perfect vision... I have gone from needing reading glasses to progressive lenses in 2 years. (I blame the iPhone, people!!).  That and perimenopause (I actually am sure there is a correlation).  Also, Baby needs glasses now, too.  Farsighted (like me).  Which got me thinking, until 2 years ago I had never had my eyes checked by an eye doctor.  I had done (and passed with flying colors) the doctors office wall charts and never been referred.  Well, you know what?  Wall charts are bogus!  That only tells you if you are nearsighted. If I could read the bottom row on the eye chart, maybe the diagnosis wasn't "x-ray eyes" it was farsighted.  WTF??  Maybe this is why I hated learning to read?? Why is that allowed to be a definitive test on 20/20 vision?  My whole life I have been farsighted and never knew it, until using my iPhone made me realize my eyes were staining when I was reading it.  Something to think about.  Get your eyes checked, peeps!

The other day, I also went in for my physical.  I don't really have any issues but the nurse asked what my concerns were so I said "I'm pretty sure I'm in perimenopause" and so she asked me a 100 question questionnaire to which I answered 100 yeses.  Then my doctor came in laughing hysterically and said "Do I look like I swim 5 miles a day?!  No one would believe it, but I do!  Welcome to the club!"  She then spent 40 minutes telling me about her perimenopause (please, I am not even exaggerating.. it is like birth stories all over again!!).  Awesome, doc, thanks for that.  So, yeah, because I have a family history of breast cancer there is nothing I can do but just live through it.  Which is fine.  My migraines have actually started to get a little less frequent, so there is hope.  My body fat% however is just not budging. I am literally converting to fat every single day (really, that struggle is real, so don't underestimate it my friends).  Oh well, once I hit menopause I'm good.  Only 2-10 years left to go!

What else?  Oh, Mr F's mother came and visited us for 5 days in June.  And it went perfectly.  It was perfectly fine.  Which is a very interesting thing to contemplate regarding all that went done 6 years ago.  We had a strong feeling this would happen after his father passed away.  We had talked about that a lot over the years, but had no idea it would happen so soon.  It is like a big barrier has been removed between Matt and his family.  He actually calls his mom frequently, now.  He's even seen her just about once a month for the last few months.  When before (even long before the strain) it wasn't like that.  He really avoided any contact, even phone calls.  I'd have to pretty much dial the phone and put it in his hand. The family is complicated and his father's relationship with his other children was very different.  It is hard for them to understand that, although I do not think it is hard for his mother to understand (it just isn't ever going to be spoken about).  But, long story short, this time has been a good thing for Mr F and his relationship with his mother. And for our kids, who have a grandparent back.

The Post Wherein I Explain The Capes

Okay let me break it down "feelings style". You may recall that the shit hit the fan when I blogged about my in laws during their visit to Michigan back in May. Some crazy stuff went down. Crazy. And things have been pretty fucked up ever since. (don't worry I'm almost done swearing) Well time has gone on and not much has changed. Sure they drove 14 straight hours in order to ambush Mr F with a bizarre intervention... but other than that weird display of completely inappropriate boundaries... nothing has really changed.

Oh... wait.... wasn't this supposed to be about how I'm the "bigger person"? My mistake. Let me get myself more composed.

I was left feeling that the only answer to the situation was to remove myself. The problem with that is...well... my involvement is complicated. Without my involvement there is no involvement. Of course they don't want to know that (not that I blame them) or acknowledge it. So much so that they have quite a revisionist history going on. You see, from their perspective, I have been single handedly driving a wedge between Mr F and his family. Apparently that has been my sole desire since we first met.

I wish someone had filled me in on that. I could have saved myself quite a bit of time and trouble. Not just the nearly 10 straight years of stressing over how to get Mr F more involved with his family. The endless nagging to make a phone call... ask about his sisters. The planning of trips. The buying of gifts and wrapping and shipping. But also the 3 day drive alone with an 18 month old so that I could make a wedding cake. The giving of all our baby things and furniture (which we could have sold... and certainly could have used the money). These things I did to unite the family. These things I did because they are what I would have done for my own.

I needn't have bothered. I needn't have hand tied every one of those wedding programs. These things that I didn't do for any other motivation other than to be involved.

Apparently I didn't like a set of coasters someone gave me enough.

And so I have feelings. Hurt feelings. Victimized, overlooked, demonized feelings. What did I do... but marry a man... who didn't care to love you more. What did I do... but try. Try to love you. Try to make him love you more. Try to be involved. Only to be ignored. Only to be treated with a standoffish hand.

I made one mistake... one... mistake... and that was to trust. To trust that my space was mine. I was wrong, but I wasn't in the wrong.

And so I made capes. Three red satin capes with silver cord. With my hands. With my time. Because I can't be as cold as they need me to be. In the end it just isn't my nature.

There will be no differential effect. No one will say anything. No one will thank me. No one will change their opinion or their view. Three little boys who don't know any better will have a moment of happiness. That is all.