Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Post Wherein I Explain The Capes

Okay let me break it down "feelings style". You may recall that the shit hit the fan when I blogged about my in laws during their visit to Michigan back in May. Some crazy stuff went down. Crazy. And things have been pretty fucked up ever since. (don't worry I'm almost done swearing) Well time has gone on and not much has changed. Sure they drove 14 straight hours in order to ambush Mr F with a bizarre intervention... but other than that weird display of completely inappropriate boundaries... nothing has really changed.

Oh... wait.... wasn't this supposed to be about how I'm the "bigger person"? My mistake. Let me get myself more composed.

I was left feeling that the only answer to the situation was to remove myself. The problem with that is...well... my involvement is complicated. Without my involvement there is no involvement. Of course they don't want to know that (not that I blame them) or acknowledge it. So much so that they have quite a revisionist history going on. You see, from their perspective, I have been single handedly driving a wedge between Mr F and his family. Apparently that has been my sole desire since we first met.

I wish someone had filled me in on that. I could have saved myself quite a bit of time and trouble. Not just the nearly 10 straight years of stressing over how to get Mr F more involved with his family. The endless nagging to make a phone call... ask about his sisters. The planning of trips. The buying of gifts and wrapping and shipping. But also the 3 day drive alone with an 18 month old so that I could make a wedding cake. The giving of all our baby things and furniture (which we could have sold... and certainly could have used the money). These things I did to unite the family. These things I did because they are what I would have done for my own.

I needn't have bothered. I needn't have hand tied every one of those wedding programs. These things that I didn't do for any other motivation other than to be involved.

Apparently I didn't like a set of coasters someone gave me enough.

And so I have feelings. Hurt feelings. Victimized, overlooked, demonized feelings. What did I do... but marry a man... who didn't care to love you more. What did I do... but try. Try to love you. Try to make him love you more. Try to be involved. Only to be ignored. Only to be treated with a standoffish hand.

I made one mistake... one... mistake... and that was to trust. To trust that my space was mine. I was wrong, but I wasn't in the wrong.

And so I made capes. Three red satin capes with silver cord. With my hands. With my time. Because I can't be as cold as they need me to be. In the end it just isn't my nature.

There will be no differential effect. No one will say anything. No one will thank me. No one will change their opinion or their view. Three little boys who don't know any better will have a moment of happiness. That is all.


Andrea said...

I likey those capes C is so into pretend and dress up Ill have to make her one after the holidays because obviously I have to much shit on my plate already, I really like you sugar cookie tutorial and I cant wait to make these this weekend. I think yor nephews will really like the capes.

Supermom said...

I hope you have fun tonight at the PAR-TAY!

Tell us all about it pls!

Love the capes!
Michelle :)

Supermom said...

okay I tried to watch your video but for some reason it's going SLOW!

I think Superdad is doing something on here.

Did I hear you correctly that they were reading your blog for 7 MONTHS and didn't say anything?? Then ambush Mr F when you were out of town??

I'll have to go play it back when his stuff stops!

That's crazy!

Marilyn said...

Yikes -- this is a really tough situation. You're taking the high road though, and I think that's great. Isn't there anyone on Mr. F's side of the family that you can talk to? Someone who might take your side and reason with the in-laws? I can tell this is bothering you -- it would bother me, too. It's hard being the peacemaker.

Elizabeth said...

The capes are really cute. And since some of the cousins sent Kid stuff, it makes sense to give back to them.

I guess this just goes into your tally of 'good person' deeds? It's too bad they won't recognize it, but we all do!

Mrs Furious said...

So far you've got everything right. The extra kicker is that during the time they were all reading Kid had surgery and none of them said boo about that. I complain about my in laws, however, and they came out of the woodwork for that!

"but we all do!"
At this point I think that is all I can hope for ;)

So super easy... I didn't measure or press any seams. You really can't mess up.

I don't think there is anyone on his side. It's possible they still read (I stopped checking) and that they'll hear this... but that's all I can do.

Haley said...

I think if you made yourself one of the capes, perhaps with a big "F" on it, you'd feel better.

That is my sage advice. :)

Mrs Furious said...

LOL Mr F suggested I make one for his dad and put SD on it for Super D*&^

Me, Myself and I said...

You are such a great person. Much better person than I would be in your situation. LOl. Have a good day!

Jennifer said...

You are right, it is not the childrens fault that their parents are dinks.

You are showing your children how to behave like decent human beings. How to NOT take the easy way out. That is what is important.

Kiki said...

I'm with Jennifer on this...I think that it can't be the children's fault that their parents stink...I think that what you did was above and beyond.

I hate this for you because you are such a kind hearted woman who was always trying to heal the relationship....its a shame that it all went awry(sp?)!


Missives From Suburbia said...

First off, let me tell you that your videos have become my new nursing entertainment. Thank you!

So here's my perspective, and I apologize to Mr. F in advance, because I do love him, but I have to call this one like I see it. There's no question your IL's are douches. But I can also hear what you're saying about Mr. F being part of the problem, and you're absolutely right. If for no other reason than to alleviate your angst over all of this, he should get his hiney down to the nearest Dollar Store or sit down with the girls to draw pictures and get those envelopes together. He's creative. He can make it a fun project. But his compounding your angst over your ILs shitty treatment of you is no way to go about managing your own relationship. (Sorry again, Mr. F.) I know the reason my husband deals with his mother so frequently is because she sends my blood pressure through the ceiling. I would never expect him to intervene with my mother, and I'm grateful he doesn't make me interact with his.

Sorry, Mr. F. I think the world of you, but get a family calendar together and take this crap over. It takes five seconds to buy something online and have it shipped. That's how I deal with annoying relatives -- or, rather, how I avoid dealing with them.

Missives From Suburbia said...

Did I apologize to Mr. F enough? Sorry...

julie said...

I feel so sad for you about this.

Their little boys are going to absolutely love those capes.

Heather said...

You should make one for yourself -- you get the prize for being the bigger person for sure. Seriously dude.

I'm sorry they've been so shitty.

Claire said...

It all comes down to doing what you personally know is the right thing - no matter what - especially for the sake of the children - whenever you have the opportunity - maybe you can't change the adults but you can try for the children.
We had a "situation" in our family where one of the families never came to reunions or gatherings - when one of their adult children came to a family gathering they looked at their parents and asked why they had never come to these parties - the questioning "child" now makes it to every family party that they can bringing their children - so a different direction is being taken. I am proud of you for making the capes - they're going to love them!!!

P/F said...

I have a similar relationship with my in-laws, however, they (sil and mil) live in their own isolation because they act that way towards everyone (including sil's grown children).

I stopped 'doing my part' and let my husband take care of Christmas, holidays, birthdays, and phone calls (all with me still reminding him). Do you know where it gets me? Feeling guilty because he never follows through. Because of your post, I'm going to take the reigns back (and know they still think that I *stole* my husband from them) and take care of those things FOR MY HUSBAND.

He already works ungodly hours, and gets in enough hot water for not finishing anything around here. I'll do all of this, but I will need him to acknowledge my efforts where his family is concerned (Thanks, Aim for sending my mom and gripey sister those gifts). I'll probably have to remind him to do that too, but we're all on a learning curve over here.

Thanks for the inspiration. (Crap, now I have an even bigger list of things to do) :)

Mrs Furious said...

I like the idea that things might get worked out in the next generation. That does help.

stop apologizing to Mr F!

Well I'm glad it helped you... of course I still haven't figured it out.
Part of the thing is the guilt and part is the fact that like your husband Mr F just doesn't (or won't make the time) have the time to do it. Argh. It is hard to know what is right and what is doing the most good. As of last night I decided this is the last time I'm helping him... but of course that gives me a whole year to work up enough guilt to do it again ;)

Missives From Suburbia said...

I am formally announcing my plans to stop apologizing to Mr. F.

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