What Have I Done??!

Why do I always do this stuff to myself?!! WHY??!!! WHY???!!!

Okay, so yesterday as I was waiting to pick up Kid from school her friend's mom showed up. I started talking about her birthday and our party plans. It turns out the friend's birthday is one week later. Kid wants a gymnastics party at a local gym. It is a bit more money than we'd like to spend but we didn't give her a party last year... so it's still cheaper than two parties ;)
As we were talking I said...

"Don't suppose you want to go in on the party?"

Dumb. Dumbity dumb dumb dumb.

I was thinking... HALF THE COST. I wasn't thinking that I would receive a huge long email manifesto about how they do birthday parties at midnight last night.

Note to self... do not check email before bed!

I couldn't sleep. It was stressing me out. This was a terrible idea! Saving 70 bucks wasn't worth this kind of aggravation!

So I got back up and responded. I tried to stand firm on that fact that I was just wanting a simple (SIMPLE) birthday party. Some cake, some pink paper plates... done. Seriously that is all I was going to do. It is actually important to me that just having a party at the gymnastics gym is ENOUGH for Kid. We save *special* for her birthday at home with us.

This is the email I received...
"We had a family discussion and it looks like we would like to share birthday parties, if that is still alright.
So how to do this? I have never planned a big party with someone else before, so I guess I will ask questions and talk about some of our traditions/desires that we are by no means married to.

-[Friend] usually does not get gifts from friends. Instead she asks friends to bring non-perishable food items for the foodshelf (as many as she is old) and we make a delivery together and volunteer for the afternoon. What do you think about that? Is this something that you guys might go for? I am sure [Friend] could live with getting gifts (ha), but it (the foodshelf) is a fun thing to do.
-[Friend] usually has an animal theme, this year she wanted it to be pandas. We could easily combine themes if you had something in mind. I have typically used the theme as a guide for goodie bags and some decorations. Again we are open to whatever.
-[Friend] and I usually make invitations together, usually a drawing she does of her animal theme. It might be cool to get them both to draw something for it. I would be happy to put it together and mail it out.
-She wanted to have a cake from Short Street Cakes
-I am really into low-waste parties. Perhaps together we could rally for reusable plates, decorations, cups, etc. again I am in no way attached.
-I am also really into handmade parties as well. I am sure I can trade for many decorations and favors on etsy.
-Are you thinking that we would invite the whole class (that was my thought), are there folks outside the class that you would invite? [Friend] has two/perhaps three kids that she wanted to invite. How many children can we invite?
-Oh yes and what are the details that you know about the rental-cost of the rental, time for set up, number of children allowed?
And... how do you want to go about figuring this all out? Is e-mail the best way? Should we sit down and figure it out detail by detail (that is what I am thinking). I am really open to over communication rather than under. I want to make sure that you feel like we are being fair and we are both having our needs met."

It is not that there is anything wrong with what they want to do. In fact I commend them for it. But, PEOPLE, I just don't have the time and energy for that right now. I don't even have the time or energy (or desire) to communicate about a birthday party that much. You know what I'm saying? I was just going to rent the place and show up with a cake.

I Didn't Just Say That

"If you just hit her back you are going to be in trouble!" I yell up at Kid from the basement.

Then add...

"She's a baby... You're a grownup!"

Revelations

It turns out if you stop exercising, eat take out every night, and throw back the lemon squares three at a time... you will, in fact, actually gain weight.

Money Talk Tuesday

Who Have You Hired To Manage Your Money?

When Mr F and I got married I didn't really have any idea how much money he made. I was under the impression that it was enough. When we bought our house a few months before our wedding we bought a house that Mr F said he would be able to pay the mortgage and utilities of with his income, knowing that I would not be working once we had kids. When we moved to Ann Arbor Mr F put all the utilities in his name and paid all the household bills. I stopped working but still paid my own credit card bills and medical bills from some savings I had. I always paid my bills in full. I just assumed Mr F did too. We didn't talk about it. Mr F was running his own business from home and he had all those bills to deal with so it just seemed to make sense that he would just throw the home bills in with that too.

Mr F is 8 years older than I am. He had been running a *successful* business for years. He had been living on his own for years. I had only been out of grad school for a couple of years. He made a significant amount more than I did as a social worker. It just seemed natural to let Mr F take over all the bills. He was older, more successful, independent, and he was the man. He was the natural choice... right? It never occurred to me to ask how he paid his bills... you know... on time?... in full?

It took me a few years to realize that maybe Mr F wasn't the best choice. Nothing was said but I was starting to pick up on a *stressed* vibe from Mr F. Still I didn't take over the finances. At this point I felt overwhelmed and like I wouldn't be able to figure it out. To be honest I just didn't want to pay the bills... does anyone? By this point Mr F was now hiding things and becoming defensive and more more reluctant to turn over the finances. Red flag anyone?

A couple years later and Mr F (with the help and encouragement of his fantastic therapist) was finally ready to reveal the truth. Mr F had made some pretty big financial mistakes that resulted in something close to 35K in avoidable debt. Why do I say avoidable? Well because it could have been prevented. Of course had I known what we could and couldn't afford I might have made different choices... but more importantly because most of the debt with incurred simply because Mr F was just bad at paying bills. He didn't pay attention and paid them late. He racked up finance fees and bounced checks. We filed our taxes but he didn't send the payment. Why did he do all these things? I'll never really know. He felt overwhelmed with the burden of running a business and the house for one. And he has ADD. And he kept thinking he'd get it all under control next month... which just kept getting pushed to the next month, year, years... you get the picture.

I was shocked by Mr F's admission. I was dumbfounded that he just hadn't told me after the first year managing our household expenses. I was sick to my stomach and furious both with him and with myself. Why hadn't I stepped in? Why didn't I ask more questions? Why was I so comfortable taking a back seat? Within days we had acquired a loan so we could pay off all the miscellaneous outstanding debts. I took away all of Mr F's credit cards. And I took over paying all the bills. All of them. In the last few years I have never once bounced a check, or racked up any finance fees. It took us a couple of years but we were able to payoff the loan in full (while paying less each month than Mr F had been trying to manage the debt).

The lesson we learned from this is that the person who manages your family's money is performing a major job and you need to hire the right partner to do that job. When I think about Mr F's skills and his deficits it is almost laughable that we hired him for this position. I blame myself as much as I blame him for the debt he acquired. So my question to you is who pays your bills and why? Did you consciously *hire* one of you over the other or was it a more passive decision?

I've put a poll up in my sidebar today. Please, please, take a few seconds to answer it.
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Pop on over to Smoochiefrog's Money Monday post. This is her third post in her debt series documenting her journey back from bankruptcy.