I had a horrifically violent nightmare last night... and sadly that wasn't the first. I've been having more and more nightmares like this lately. Upon awaking it was obvious to me how clearly influenced by the book I am reading it had been... and that got me thinking. Up until this last week I hadn't had the time to watch all the crazy Law & Order type dramas that I used to watch and guess what? I wasn't having any nightmares either. Really. Until I started reading this book and watching Medium last week I have barely had a nightmare since Baby was born... and the ones I have had have been straight up "I'm naked on a cruise ship" type anxiety dreams. I hadn't put two and two together until this week.
As of today I've decided to take more responsibility for what I read and watch and judge it more on it's content than it's entertainment value. Scary movies and shows can be exhilarating, much like a roller coaster, but unlike a thrill ride when the show is over the horrific images stay with us and play into our worst fears. I know for a fact I'm not the only one who needs to bolt up the stairs or turn on the lights after watching one... that kind of scary content makes a lot of us just a little paranoid.
Well all this trauma made me realize that I need to be more thoughtful of the energy I bring around myself. Book about violent crazies? Not a great choice... is there not another book that might allow me to learn about the theology behind the murders without having to describe them? Yes there is. I was watching an Oprah last night that wasn't completely related, but yet I could relate to, which focused on the energy you are putting into the world and what you will receive in return. I have witnessed this a thousand times and know that there is truth in that. I think my blogging experience in and of itself is proof enough.
I had gone through a similar awakening about magazines, specifically women's & men's magazines featuring beautiful models and actresses on the covers, about ten years ago. It was at that time that I banned them from my house. And when I met Mr F and we decided to get married I told him that under no uncertain terms were these types of magazines to be in our house. They not only made me feel badly about myself but I wasn't going to take any part in making the girls that visited (and later lived in) our home feel badly about themselves either.
And, people, you know I don't mess around. With the exception of a Martha Stewart or Oprah (featuring themselves) we don't have these things in our house. No Victoria's Secret Catalogue, no Instyle, no Vogue, no Shape, no Self, no GQ... you get the picture. Because not a single one of those magazines is selling something I really want to buy or even something I want my daughter's to know exists. I don't want to read an article about how to improve my life whether it by a diet & fitness magazine or a home & fashion magazine when that title still feels they need to sell themselves through the image of a "flawless" young woman. I am much happier and more self confident since removing those images from my plain sight.
Obviously I can't protect my kids forever but I can actively decide to do my best to counteract those messages. I can do what I can to shelter them from the notion that a body and face they will never have is the *real* definition of beauty. If I can give them one extra day of not feeling that they are flawed or "less than" then I have done my job.
And now that I'm more aware of the other negative messages and images I am surrounding myself with... the ones that say we are not safe, or secure, or that we should be afraid... I'm removing those too. I don't need that anymore than I need to feel fat and ugly. The truth is that what you see and read and listen to makes up your daily life. It is the background noise for what you start to believe about yourself and your surroundings and before you know it you are living your life reacting to these external ideas instead of living from your own internal ones.
Good, bad, or indifferent everything you read or watch impacts you. We all have the power to take control over these images and be more thoughtful consumers. Make sure you are buying everything they are really selling.
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53 comments:
I totally agree. This may sound totally weird, but I never watch the news. Don't read it, don't listen to it, nothing. Just what comes on the radio between music at work or whatever the headliner is on MSN when I go to check my email. I still know the major things going on because people talk, but its not in my face all the time. It freaks me out. I KNOW houses are robbed, kids are murdered, and the world can suck. But to hear about it all the time just puts me into a panic. I am as safe as I can be with my girls. Watching is not going to make me change anything, but it will leave me with terrible images of what can happen to my girls.
And forget scary movies or books. If I get roped into one, I have ALL the lights on in the house and no laundry is done after dark (you cant go into the dark basement...thats where EVERYONE dies!!).
It's funny, I haven't gone cold-turkey off those ridiculous magazines (although you could not pay me to read cosmo), but I have been questioning why I still browse through them. I get sucked into reading ones like Health or Fitness as motivational tools, but you're right that the perfect people on the covers are incredibly unrealistic and airbrushed, and really, they all say the same things again and again and again.
How many times do I need to read that green tea, omega 3's, and warming up before exercise are good for you? I think I used to read those magazines to feel like I was doing something healthy for myself, even though I wasn't actually doing anything in my real life. And now that I AM doing healthy things for myself, I feel a far weaker pull towards those magazines.
Fantastic post Mrs F.
(I have to run right now, but I'll be back...)
Haley,
"I think I used to read those magazines to feel like I was doing something healthy for myself, even though I wasn't actually doing anything in my real life. And now that I AM doing healthy things for myself, I feel a far weaker pull towards those magazines."
YES! I agree with that completely. Plus if I want motivational info I read Women's Health articles online.
Marie,
"Watching is not going to make me change anything, but it will leave me with terrible images of what can happen to my girls."
exactly.
and
" you cant go into the dark basement...thats where EVERYONE dies!!"
LOL... that's why I have to sprint out of there!! ;)
I agree that the media portrayal of women particularly in ads and in magazines isn't a good thing. Dove's "Campaign for Real Beauty" shouldn't be so unusual. It's probably a good idea not to have those things lying around where the girls see them as normal. And as an adult, you handle those things however you need to. If they bring you down, don't read them.
As for thrillers, scary movies etc... each person has to know how they can handle that sort of thing. Michelline avoids scary movies because she knows she'll have bad dreams. I find that what I read and watch has little effect on my dreams or mood.
At the risk of kicking up a storm, I have to ask - no Playboys(or other such stuff) for Mr F?
Chris,
oh you should no better than that by now? ;)
um... well... Mr F didn't have playboys before we were married and he doesn't have it now. I probably wouldn't have married someone who did to be honest.
Well I think I can say I wouldn't have... not just probably.
And I can't imagine what the point of keeping a magazine like "Self" out of the house would be if my daughters might stumble upon a Playboy type one!
Neither of us were raised in households were the men had Playboys and it isn't an issue for us.
You're not going to rise to my bait, I see. :)
Great post! I don't buy the fitness/beauty magazines either. I buy/subscribe to Vanity Fair, O, and Real Simple. Those are the only ones I really enjoy and provide me with useful information. I have friends at Women's Health and while I support them, the message of the mags just don't resonate with me. Yoga Journal is also really excellent, but since I'm doing yoga about oh, once a week now, I feel like I'm not a serious enough yogi to be reading it; which is hilarious, because that's the thing about yoga that people don't get (including me)-- it's not about being better than anyone else.
Anyway, I can't watch horror movies, or even Medium, without having nightmares. I watched this mini-series in 2005 on NBC called Revelations, and I swear I still have nightmares from it.
Chris,
I was a massive consumer and reader of mags like Esquire and GQ. And when I met Mrs F, I did have a lapsed subscription to Maxim. Like everything else, I never threw anything away, so they were still on my shelf.
Now it needs to be noted, I am a magazine art director, and over the years I have subscribed to untold numbers of magazines because of that...it's research and a write-off.
At the time I subscribed to Maxim, I was in the midst of a massive re-design for one of my clients chasing the same 20-something male audience, and there was a lot to take from that mag editorially and visually. My clients magazine had nothing to do with sex or women, but it was an invaluable resource for the other content and style.
That, and the fact that I was still pretty immature in many regards.
Mrs F called me out on that stuff and pushed me to think differently and more responsibly about all of it. By the time we were married and contemplating kids, I had reached my own conclusions (beyond her nudge) because the magazines all took a dramatic turn for the worse.
It pains me to see Esquire become "Maxim"ized and dumbed-down. It was in my mind the best total-package magazine out there. And I don't mean in a "read Playboy for the articles" kind of way, because there was nothing Playboy about it. In the years I subscribed I think there were only one or two covers with women on them.
Esquire remains a fantastically written magazine, and it is still the best-designed thing on the newsstand and I need to reference that on occasion. But the content has changed dramatically and there are many months I'd be embarrassed to read it on a plane or the subway.
And I certainly don't want my daughters growing up around it...
Neither of us were raised in households were the men had Playboys and it isn't an issue for us.
My dad DID have a few...
Mr F,
seriously? I am SHOCKED by that. As crazy sexual as my Dad was he didn't. And being a professional snooper ... I'd know.
But I doubt he was a "Playboys in the bathroom" sort of guy... I baby sat for a few of those and it was a little more than shocking and uncomfortable to have those sitting out in the regular downstairs bathroom.
Heather,
I was allowed to watch Twin Peaks when it first aired... I was too young... and I STILL can vividly picture "Bob" lunging over the couch in a horrifying scene. Flat out the scariest thing I have ever watched. I'll never forget it.
It didn't help that my mom liked to reenact that scene to scare the pants off me! ;)
Very interesting post. I completely agree, and wish I wasn't addicted to InStyle. It's the only one I read, and I like it mostly because I am a make up addict, and I like their beauty advice. I also like that it doesn't have crappy sex articles like Cosmo and Glamour do. I know that all the celebrities are airbrushed and giving this ridiculously unattainable expectation of beauty, but I can look past that. I keep them all on a shelf in the bathroom out of the kids reach. (They are 1 and 3) Once they get a little older, I will probably get rid of them.
I don't watch the news for the same reasons Marie doesn't. I don't watch scary t.v. shows, and lost my taste for scary movies when I was pregnant with Kent. I do really enjoy Stephen King novels, though. I think maybe the difference is that most of the stuff that happens in King's novels isn't stuff that can actually happen. Me or my kids could be murdered like on Law and Order, but we aren't going to become psychic and start channeling demons or anything. :)
Robin,
"but we aren't going to become psychic and start channeling demons or anything."
You hope ;)
Scary movies really mess with me at times...big-time as a kid, but even on the late night dog-walk now I can freak myself out pretty good.
The magazines that come to our house are Ranger Rick, Boys Life, Popular Science and Family Fun. I do occasionally pick up magazines at the drug store when I'm not in the middle of a book, but it's pretty rare, and I usually read them and throw them out. Now that my oldest is 11, I wonder about those Victoria's secret catalogs that come in the mail. I should look into how to get off that mailing list...
I have always been very guarded about exposing my boys to the realities of the world: they watch very limited PBS TV and never see the news. You don't want them to be too sheltered, but you don't want them to grow up too fast either. Sometimes the world sneaks up on you and you have to explain things that you might rather have waited a few years for, but I think in that regard being open and honest with your children is what will keep them feeling safe and trusting with you.
I do not watch scary movies ever, but I can read just about anything without it bothering me, and am often fascinated by the offbeat. Not sure what that means about me :)
Good For You!
I know that I had lived with fear for most of my life. Always afraid that someone was going to come in my house and kill me. I don't know where the root of this came from as it started when I was a child. My Dad would always check in on us before going to bed and then again in the am before going to work. To this day they still laugh about how I would sleep with the covers up to my neck all tucked in around my body and in the morning I would be in the same position. (As if the covers were going to protect me!) Even as an adult I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking I heard a noise, I would be sweating and laying so close to my husband starring at the bedroom door just waiting for someone to come in. I hated it when my hubby would go away for business. I would stay up really late so that I was so tired I could barely hold my eyes open so that when I got in the bed I would fall right to sleep! Not anymore! I got free from that a few years ago! I haven't had an incident since! I am careful about what I watch on tv and movies. My hubby likes to watch sci-fi. I can't! I don't watch movies or shows that even look like they could be a potential hazard for me!
As for the mags. I don't read them. Never have. I am happy with the way I am. I know sometimes I may stuggle with self image but who doesn't. I don't need a false article or pic to make me think I need to be something I will never be. As for the Adult mags-not happening! I don't look at them and neither does my husband. Why would I want my husband to look at some other woman and lust after her? I should be all he will ever need and if I am not, he should have never married me. I know that it is natural for us to look(at passers-by) but we get in trouble when we start pondering on what we could be doing with him/her. No Thanks! And my kids, Oh my! No wonder our kids struggle so much these days doing things that they shouldn't at ages they shouldn't. Look at what we are teaching them!
Ok. Enough of my soap box! Great Post though!
Tam-e,
" Why would I want my husband to look at some other woman and lust after her? "
AMEN!
and you might find this funny...
on the few occasions that Mr F has been out of town I have been known to actually bring my cell phone to bed (in case the phone lines get cut by an intruder) and bundle our coats & extra blankets by the door to the roof in my room (in case I need to hurl the kids out there while we flee the predators!). Yes... I should say that this scary tv/book intervention was probably a long time coming ;)
Gigs,
" You don't want them to be too sheltered, but you don't want them to grow up too fast either."
I think we have struggled with this a bit... maybe Mr F more so than I have... but I'm pretty much to the point that I want to err on the side of sheltered. When they're in school or at friend's houses or at the mall they are exposed to stuff I wouldn't necessarily have chosen so I figure the best I can do to counterbalance that is to reign all the stuff in as much as possible on our end. It's kind of how I run everything... all crazy organic at home balances out the Mc D's happy meals too ;)
My MIL (who watches my nephew) said to me when we were there "I really need to get him some Disney movies so he'll know the characters" (he was 2) and I was just like... believe me he'll know the characters!
I should also say adding more fuel to the magazine fire... last week Kid said:
"I've just realized I'm more beautiful without my glasses."
HEARTBREAKING.
Mr F was confused and then I pointed out that she is getting older and has just started to notice that no "pretty girls" have them. She's 5.5. Try as you might the messages about beauty are evident and everywhere.
OMG Kid's statement is heartbreaking indeed. God.
I don't think I would ever have any occasion to put so much thought into magazines as you seem to have. But, I haven't regularly read any magazines since my last subscription to ESPN ran out. Anything I'm interested in, I will find out online long before it would make it to me in a magazine.
My Dad had plenty of Playboy and similar magazines when I was a kid, but I can't imagine anyone that would just leave them lying around in the bathroom. That seems very weird.
As for movies, I don't watch a lot of scary ones, but when I do, they don't really cause me any bad dreams, and books never bother me at all.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with Kid thinking she looks more beautiful without glasses. She probably does. Not to say there's anything wrong with wearing glasses, or that she can't be beautiful with them, but purely as a comparison of with/without, I'd say it's a rare person who looks more beautiful with glasses on. Of course, from the sound of things, my parenting style is probably about as completely opposite of yours as you can get.
John,
Well I don't think the magazine thing is an issue that many men would have as many feelings about in general. The majority of the one's I'm talking about are geared towards women.
While we might parent differently I think the reason a 5 year old feels pretty w/o glasses has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not she does and everything to do with a strong media message that "pretty" girls don't wear them. This is a significant problem since Kid has to wear them everyday... at all times... for the rest of her life. To do so and believe that by doing so you aren't as pretty as other girls is heartbreaking.
To do so and believe that by doing so you aren't as pretty as other girls is heartbreaking.
Well sure, if she thinks she's not as pretty as other girls because of them, that does suck. Particularly if, as you say, she has to wear them all the time. I was just talking about how she looks with vs. how she looks without.
John,
Oh no... as in comparison to others. She seems to have just noticed this (she's had them for over 3 years already) and is now starting to leave them off.
John, are you seriously evaluating the beauty of a 5-year-old? Seriously? I mean, seriously?
She's FIVE. FREAKING FIVE. Her concerns should NOT BE HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS.
I'm afraid you walked into that one John ;)
I have to agree with Heather on this one. The point isn't whether or not she is more beautiful without her glasses. The point is that she is five and is already concerned about it.
The media we let into our house is ridiculously benign. The funny thing is my boys love all sorts of superheroes but have never actually SEEN any of the movies or shows where they are portrayed. (Power Rangers, Spiderman, Batman, etc.)
The only exceptions to this have been some old fashioned Superman cartoons from the 50's (which are hilariously UNrealistic) and Some select Star Wars stuff. I know they're going to be exposed a lot of stuff outside of our home So I do try to keep it pretty g-rated... for as long as I can anyway. I just think it's sad and scary when children are desensitized to hardcore violence and/or sexuality so early.
I could write a lot more about all of this but don't have the time at the moment. I'll just say I wholeheartedly agree with the entire post.
It was around 5 that my boys started to recognize that some boys were better at different sports than them or could spell more words, et.
I think kids start to evaluate themselves as they get a little older when their world is less egocentric. One of my sons stopped wanting to draw because he thought he could not draw things the way he thought they should look.
It may be one part media/society that contributes to this self-evaluation...but it is also a stage in a child's development as they grow and try to figure out who they are.
I tend to interview my children for problems when sometimes they are just simply stating something with out all the emotions that we put on it. Kids will take the cue from you. We just need to encourage and support.
I don't think John deserved the harsh words. I truly believe that most men can not understand how girls and women feel in this society. I am learning that from my 2 wonderful little boys. The "mean girls" shit has already started in my 8 year old's 2nd grade class. He is totally oblivious to it as was his male teacher until another mom talked to the teacher about it. It's just a whole different thing with raising boys....
Julie,
Oh Kid had already been going through the comparison to others regarding both gross and fine motor skills. Last year she wouldn't draw at school at all since she couldn't draw as accurately as the older kids. That is one reason we kept her back. She routinely compared herself to the older kids in class in regards to who could run the fastest, draw the best, read. And yes I believe that much of that is a developmental.
But the self evaluation regarding the glasses and her perception of what is pretty is different and I don't think that is a projection. She will point blank tell you that "princesses don't wear glasses". And when I tried to find an image of a pretty girl with glasses in any of her books or toys... NADA. She doesn't want to wear them anymore. I'm just being clear that this wasn't an "interveiwed" problem... she is bringing this up all on her own.
Oh Mrs F, I was not implying that you were interviewing for a problem...I was totally talking about myself. I put my own emotional stuff onto my kids....like "oh no, does he not think he fits in" etc etc! This has nothing to do with the very real (and sad:( ) thing that Kid said. I don't have girls and I find it interesting that my boys don't ever mention things about their physical appearance and the other boys don't seem to focus on it with each other either at this point. Unfortunately, it is the girls in Jack's class that are downright nasty to one another. It is so awful and personal. If one of my kids pined to play better soccer, he could practice and practice. Kid can't practice her way out of not wearing glasses. It must have killed you hear her say that. I am so sorry:(
I just meant at the end regarding John's comments that I am truly learning that this stuff is just not on the radar of many of the boys and men I am in contact with. I think it is one part innate and one part how these boys are raised...especially the generations before the ones we are raising. No one talked about self esteem when I was growing up. Now it is all I think about in regards to raising my boys. I was shocked to learn that Jack's teacher who is male was not at all aware that some of the girls were being really mean to others. And the boys in the class just play kick ball or talk Pokemon...totally unaware.
I hang with a few stay at home Dads and it is so different how they roll than how the moms that I am friends with do. They have no qualms calling out another person's child if they are acting up and definitely have the "suck it up" attitude...not in a hard ass way, but definitely more matter of fact with their kids than the moms! Again, we all have boys so different ball park here.
I don't even know what point this has to do with...
Julie,
Oh that is fine... I just wanted to be clear that she really had come out with that herself. I work really hard to reveal no affect when she says it just "hmm... I don't think so. " But when pressed it is true that none of the princess do and when I did an online search for "pretty girls with glasses" all I got was porn!
"They have no qualms calling out another person's child if they are acting up"
I just noticed this at a party over the weekend... and it is true that this never happens among the mom's.
Another boy/girl difference is crushes. Kid has had a crush on an older boy she was in school with last year. She talks about marrying him and me being their kid's grandma. She never forgets and never lets it go. When she's around him she clams up and gets really shy. Of course he could care less about her and girls in general! I also remember totally having crushes on boys from Kindergarten on.
Katieo,
We have a similar situation with the Princesses. Kid has actually only ever seen Little Mermaid and only maybe 2 times... yet she knows all the characters of all the movies. Some of that is from the girls in school and some of that is from our Disney trips. She has sensitive skin and hates the dress up dresses so she is often cast as the "ugly step sister" or "Cinderella as a maid" or a boy... things that probably won't be helping her self-esteem much ;) I've bought her two disney nightgowns that are comfortable but have big princesses on the front that she wears instead now and that seems to make her happy for now anyway.
Bravo! I have a blanket rule about Rated R movies. You'd be surprised what that weeds out. A whole lot of crap! I love what you said about keeping the magazines out of the house. I too don't have any but not because I've committed - they just don't appeal to me because like you, they just end up making me wistful and resentful. Good for you!
Amy,
Rated R huh? That would kind of rule out all the major negatives. I'm going through my Tivo tomorrow and erasing all the crime shows and what not I have set to record and trying to find more positive shows to unwind/workout to.
Mrs. F - so so true! I just was posting a whole thing on my blog the other day, called "Believe" ~ and that's it because - What You Think About, You Bring About - Thoughts Become Things etc. This is all so true and better yet -UNDER OUR CONTROL. I've had the same thing with dreams too ~ that's (sadly) why I won't watch the news either because the bad will haunt me. And we all have to decide what we will choose to accept in our lives - criticism and doubt from dream stealers - NO THANK YOU. If I gave in and listened to that nonsense, I would never have made the strides I am making now. Instead what I now do is decide how I feel about things, where I stand - and if someone's view or opinion or whatever is not in alignment, I'm not accepting the negativity and most likely, I will avoid interacting with that person or persons.
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.
Great Quote!
And I used to subscribe to all these magazines but got soooo tired of the overkill in airbrushing, overkill in showing off an outfit that costs more than most people's annual salaries, and overkill in obnoxious sex stories.....how many different versions of that must we see? And who are the scary people that read that and adhere to it? I've let my subscriptions run out because they do ruin self esteem and showcase a totally unrealistic ideal. I'm still amazed that advertisers aren't jumping on the Dove type bandwagons using real people with GASP flaws!!
Kelly O. had sent me a link where you saw Faith Hill on the cover of some magazine then you saw the real photo that was taken before it was air brushed. What a HUGE difference. In no way, shape, or form did she look bad to begin with. In the after product, it looked like she had pencils for arms.
sorry guys I've been having the hardest time getting blogger to work today!
Kelly O,
"What You Think About, You Bring About "
That really is so true. I've seen it again and again in myself and those around me. I'm currently hoping to help snap someone in my life out of negative spiral... it is so hard to see when you are on your way down!
Sherry,
Would have loved to have seen that picture! Mr F does that for a living so I am well aware how perfected images become.
Here's the link:
http://www.fitsugar.com/419860
Sherry,
thanks for the link. How erroneous was that?! She looks practically flawless in the first pic. Ridiculous.
As I am sitting here staring at my "Fitness" magazine, it dawns me - Holy shit. You are totally right. I did always laugh at how they have such thin models on there that there is no way they are healthy.
And regarding images - I am really affected by things I watch and can guarantee a dream about it. I had a boyfriend who watched ultimate fighting so i would too. But I had to stop becuase the images of people getting punched would stick in my head.
OH. PS. I am the master of the SNOOP, too. Always have been, always will.
P.O.M.,
I especially hate Shape magazine...they always have some overly thin actress on the cover. It actually wasn't so bad when it first came out but it has changed for the worse over the years.
And I think when you have parents like we did snooping is second nature ;)
I had to stop reading gossip magazines when I dreamed that Tom and Katie were interviewing me to be a nanny for Suri and I was trying to get away...escape. I woke up in a sweat. The other thing I ban is magazines that have ads for smoking...my dad died from it...I'm still bitter.
Kiki,
I'm sorry to hear about your father. :(
Thanks, its strange...it doesn't get any easier, I thought it would, but it stings and every day I wake up and I remember "Oh yeah, my dad isn't here anymore." Its been three years this year, maybe it just takes time. Those steps of grief though...a total joke!
Kiki,
I'm sure time will help but I don't think it is unreasonable to still feel some level of grief for a long time if not forever. I was actually listening to a very interesting interview on NPR a little while back about different cultures and the norm for grief and it is no surprise that our culture has a very low tolerance for it and thinks it isn't "healthy" if you are still mourning past the first year. In other cultures it is completely normal and expected.
I wonder if I did an NPR search if I could find a copy of that. I did read something sort of similar in a book by Joan Didion, when she lost her husband and daughter all in the same year.
Thank you for your compassion and understanding, I am grateful, truly.
Kiki,
I'll try to do a search and see if I can get you the link. check back tonight.
I'm pretty sure it was a male professor from Chapel Hill... and it was probably on Talk of The Nation.
Kiki,
here is the LINK
It is the segment about Jerome C. Wakefield and his book 'The Loss of Sadness".
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