For those of you who don't recognize my uniform, this is me... or I should say... this is my torso:
These were all taken tonight. My feet are about 5" apart... I don't know why you'd need to know that but just in case. I weigh 111 pounds, am 5' 3" tall, have 20.6% body fat, I have a BMI of 19.7, and am a size 2 (all my measurements are up in the sidebar if you're curious).
I mention this because I just watched these videos and the girl in them at the start of her journey has a BMI of 22 and 29% body fat and I thought she looked great and do NOT see myself (or maybe should say I don't perceive myself) as being any thinner than that. I still don't. I even know somebody in real life who is my exact same weight and height... and I have always thought that they were "really thin" and yet I don't see myself as looking like she does. As if I mysteriously weigh the same and yet might look 15 - 20 pounds heavier.
I was at Kid's dance class today and after class I looked at myself in the huge wall of mirrors and thought "my God I'm actually a really tiny person." Not thin yucky thin by any means but when I saw myself I thought that no one who saw me would ever think I was fat or big just... tiny. But it is still hard for me to feel with certainty that I look that way. I mean, I see my reflection everyday, but since we don't have a full length mirror, it is only in bits & pieces, and I guess I don't absorb it really. I think I am most struck by the reality of my thinnest when I'm out of my natural habitat. And I have to say I do look significantly heavier on my videos and I generally take that to be my "real" external look and kind of forget that A) the camera adds 10 pounds and B) using a wide angled lens zoomed on to my torso adds the 10 pounds to my stomach!
And I'm not saying that I think I'm fat or that I see myself that way. I'm just saying that my brain has still not caught up to my weight loss. My mental image of myself is still heavier than my actual self. I spent the majority of my life being pretty average weight wise and feeling a little fat or critical when I saw my reflection. Two years ago I weighed 126. I got pregnant and gained 52 lbs. I gave birth on January 31st 2007. Ten months later I had lost 68 pounds. So in just over a year and a half my body had not only created a child but had put on and taken off a tremendous amount of weight. And I think it has been more than my brain can really compute. I spent 10 months gaining about a pound a week and then 10 months losing about a pound a week... and even though I've been maintaining my weight for the last 4 months I still can't really believe it or own it yet.
It really makes me think about the Biggest Loser contestants who lose 100 pounds in 4 months. That is such a fast transformation... I wonder how they handle that and if it ends up backfiring later.
FYI I am not posting these pictures to try and eek out a whole bunch of "you look thin" comments... I'm not really sure why I'm posting them....
I think I might have more to say on this subject in the morning...