Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not So Quiet Desperation

I'm stuck and hurting and alone.

I've never felt more alone in my life... than I do now... here.

It's hard to even verbalize the deep pit I feel... the entrapment... the fear that I might not get out.

The loneliness.

The wrongness.

This year has been a hard, trying, learning experience.

And I'm grateful for it. Really, I am. It's changed me and my perspective, and my priorities... and my marriage.

and while part of me feels stronger... like I've been prepared for a battle... the other part is lame, and sore, and maybe lost.

The part that is about me.

Not the part about being a good wife or a caring mother.

The part that is just about me.

20 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Oh. I'm so sorry. I can only think of lame things to say so:

*hugs*

Mr Furious said...

I LOVE YOU!

Andrea said...

I hear you and dont know what to say. Desperation consumes me all to well, I hope for YOU that all comes to a point of joy, hope, love and happiness with yourself as a great Mom, wife and woman you are somebody I admire.

julie said...

i love you, too.

the suffering will end soon. I can feel it in my bones.

Karen said...

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I hope this all turns around soon. Wish I had some brilliant words for you but I am not good with that. Just know that I am thinking of you and wishing for a solution soon.

katieo said...

thinking about you and hoping for you...

really a lot. :)

Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

I know that pit. I wish there was a ladder I could extend to you. Just remember that everyone falls into the pit. You CAN get out of it and you WILL. It may not be easy, but it can be done.

Take care...

wootini said...

Oh, I am so sorry Mrs. F... wish we were all closer by and could take you for a girls' night out.

I hope this all turns around soon, and please know I am thinking of you and wishing you well.

- Emily

Mrs Furious said...

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the support. Sometimes it really does help just to feel heard. And I do. Thank you.

It's been a rough day. I think when Mr F told me I couldn't write about it... it took away my ability to focus on the positive... the hopefulness... and kind of just left me to really feel how much I need it. I'm really pretty miserable here and just feel like I'm a shell of myself a lot of the time.

Supermom said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way!! Is there anything I can do??? Anything!?!?

angie said...

sending you my hugs, loves, and hope.

Kiki said...

I love you too. Until the resolution I wish for you only the best and brightest because that is what you deserve!

Come to the beach if you need to get away, you can stay with me....the ocean is very restorative, it mends the soul...swear!

sara said...

I love your honesty.

northerngurl said...

I hope things go well for you. Sending positive vibes your way.

Claire said...

Come on down to the beach...I was driving home from work - which has gone from bad to even worse - and it was 7 pm -and I stopped at the beach I always go to and walked out on the walkway to the end and watched the waves and the surfers and the clouds were pheomenal - and my life was restored so it belonged to me and not my circumstances.

inkelywinkely said...

sometimes we forget not to worry..like, our brains automatically go there as if it is our soul purpose FOR circumstances....Let me tell you that once you just open yourself up for happiness and feel you deserve it and try to feel it and contentment with the fact that things could be worse, the pit ALWAYS goes away..
just as it will for you... I am sending good vibes, hugs, and big bowls of restorative gumbo through the webernetz. :)

Eleanor said...

Oh Mrs. F, I'm sorry. I hope you don't feel alone... everyone faces adversity but feeling like you're going through rough times AND you're alone is much worse.

And don't forget to keep questioning those assumptions in your life that might be giving you stress. We box ourselves in with all these assumptions about what our lives should be like, and while it's good to keep thinking about what one's ideal life would look like... when it comes to meltdown time, the perfect is the enemy of the good. Is it possible to let some stuff go?

But regardless, the point is, I'm feeling bad that you're feeling bad.

Mrs Furious said...

Eleanor,
No part of me is grieving over not having a perfect life.

Miss Theresa said...

I wish I could offer you the right words to make you feel better.

I pray that all of this comes out the way you want and I hope it comes quickly!

I,too, wish that we all lived closer ... that way we could kidnap you for a night of fun! Sounds like we all could use it!

Hugs!

Susannah said...

I'm sending many warm thoughts your way, Mrs. F and, of course, *hugs*. Be kind and loving with yourself. You are very special!

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