I noticed something interesting this morning.
I think it's a key to what has been going on for me lately.
Try as I might to get myself on track, I just have not had the motivation to workout.
Which is very different than my usual self determination.
I am really not one to sit and live with a problem.
I am by nature a problem solver.
#1 Last week Kid had a pretty good week at school.
Socially things started to turn around.
So, academically, I still have my questions (serious ones)... but we can live through that.
#2 Last weekend I worked out for the first time since living here.
Then I worked out EVERY SINGLE MORNING since then.
I felt like I was suddenly back to the old me.
#3 At the breakfast table Kid told me about being reprimanded for day dreaming. Then she revealed that she isn't allowed to take snack time if she isn't done with her "morning work"... then has to eat snack during recess... thereby destroying what social success she has made, since she can't play with the other kids.
#4 Kid goes to school, and instead of gearing up to workout, I decide I need a rest day.
#5 Recognize a familiar feeling.
#6 Realize that ALL ALONG the stress I'm feeling about Kid's school situation is what has been keeping me from working out. It has been sucking my soul out and draining all my energy... leaving me... not depressed... but well drained... and stressed. And I only have so much energy to expend outside of regular daily activities... and if I feel I need to be dealing/worried about Kid and what to do next... that pretty much uses it up. And I just do not have the energy to worry about Kid 24/7 and also workout.* I just don't. I'm not a superhuman.
#7 Call my old therapist to get myself back in her schedule... since I clearly need a safe place to let this stuff out. I need a place where I can work on my feelings, and sort out what feelings are my old injuries, and what are justified in this situation. I need help assessing my motivations and keeping them in check with what is best for Kid. I need help making a smart, viable plan for how to fix what is going on. Sometimes you need an outside person to reflect your feelings off of. This is one of those times.
#8 Immediately feel like working out.
*Which is saying a lot about how much stress I am under. Even during the intense seizure watch times, during our house selling in Asheville... I still worked out. This is different. This time I don't *know* what the right answer is... and it's killing me. I second guess myself and my motivations and the school and Kid EVERY SINGLE DAY... multiple times a day. This isn't a cut and dry situation with a clear solution.