I noticed something interesting this morning.
I think it's a key to what has been going on for me lately.
Try as I might to get myself on track, I just have not had the motivation to workout.
Which is very different than my usual self determination.
I am really not one to sit and live with a problem.
I am by nature a problem solver.
#1 Last week Kid had a pretty good week at school.
Socially things started to turn around.
Hooray.
So, academically, I still have my questions (serious ones)... but we can live through that.
#2 Last weekend I worked out for the first time since living here.
Then I worked out EVERY SINGLE MORNING since then.
I felt like I was suddenly back to the old me.
#3 At the breakfast table Kid told me about being reprimanded for day dreaming. Then she revealed that she isn't allowed to take snack time if she isn't done with her "morning work"... then has to eat snack during recess... thereby destroying what social success she has made, since she can't play with the other kids.
#4 Kid goes to school, and instead of gearing up to workout, I decide I need a rest day.
#5 Recognize a familiar feeling.
#6 Realize that ALL ALONG the stress I'm feeling about Kid's school situation is what has been keeping me from working out. It has been sucking my soul out and draining all my energy... leaving me... not depressed... but well drained... and stressed. And I only have so much energy to expend outside of regular daily activities... and if I feel I need to be dealing/worried about Kid and what to do next... that pretty much uses it up. And I just do not have the energy to worry about Kid 24/7 and also workout.* I just don't. I'm not a superhuman.
#7 Call my old therapist to get myself back in her schedule... since I clearly need a safe place to let this stuff out. I need a place where I can work on my feelings, and sort out what feelings are my old injuries, and what are justified in this situation. I need help assessing my motivations and keeping them in check with what is best for Kid. I need help making a smart, viable plan for how to fix what is going on. Sometimes you need an outside person to reflect your feelings off of. This is one of those times.
#8 Immediately feel like working out.
*Which is saying a lot about how much stress I am under. Even during the intense seizure watch times, during our house selling in Asheville... I still worked out. This is different. This time I don't *know* what the right answer is... and it's killing me. I second guess myself and my motivations and the school and Kid EVERY SINGLE DAY... multiple times a day. This isn't a cut and dry situation with a clear solution.
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22 comments:
ugh i hear you about the kid stuff, the problem is there is NO right answer and there is NO person who can say you should do this and they are an expert. we had doctors who weren't helping us ? i had to figure it all out on my own. it is so mindsucking that i understand. i totally understand, but it will work otu and you will figure out the BEST thing for kid and if it isn't the best thing you will correct it.
ps we just looked at 2 houses and my husband called one a dump. the house shit is starting to take its toll.
trifit,
mindsucking... good term.
Good luck on the house. It's rough, I know. But now, 2+ months out, it really was all worth it. And I saw a whole hell of a lot of dumps... I think the market has resulted in a lot of sellers just not putting any effort into showing their house (or fixing basic fixes). It's hard when you are busting your ass to show your own house well. Hang in there! I hope you guys find what you want soon, and sell your house immediately after that!!
I totally get it. I get like that, too. I have not been exercising regularly...letting life get in the way and I feel worse.
That would be so awesome to be able to see your old therapist. It is so nice to not have to "start all over."
Today is my birthday and Murphy is refusing to go to school...and not because it is my birthday. Getting him in the car should be a blast. All my birthday wishes will come true for sure.
PS I haven't been posting at all since the whole being "discovered" by my SIL. I 'turned off' the link to my name, too. I have to just set up another more hidden blog. I don't care so much that my SIL reads it, but out of privacy for Murphy, I don't want people in my town to find it. I will let you all know if things change with the blog address.
Happy Birthday Julie!!!!
Thanks Mrs F!
I'm home with Murphy. He flat out refused to go to school and called me bad names and ran away from me and climbed up on top of his bunk bed so I couldn't get him...and then he told me some things about school that were bad (remember he does not share much) and how he hates lunch and recess. And writing workshop because he just sits there for a half hour thinking about what to write and he can't think of anything so he gets in trouble because the teachers don't believe he's thinking.
It is going to be an awesome birthday for sure.
I am going to finally fill out the piles of paperwork I need to do for that big time evaluation.
How's that for a bitchfest Friday? Well, apparently I am a bitch. At least that is what I've been told today.
The crazy thing is that I really am an over the top good mother. I can honestly say that. I know we all are always looking for a reason why things happen to certain people so we can feel safe that it won't happen to them. But folks, I love my boy incredibly, but he came out this way. This can happen to anyone. Sorry, but it is true. And call yourself incredibly, incredibly fortunate if you have a child with no real issues--medically, psychologically, behaviourly, whatever.
It's a fucking battle. Every fucking day.
PS Sorry for this super long post. I really needed to talk to someone. So thank you.
julie,
"And call yourself incredibly, incredibly fortunate if you have a child with no real issues--medically, psychologically, behaviourly, whatever."
WORD.
I'm sorry that you're having that kind of a morning. I wish we lived nearby. Kid & Murphy could get together and wear us down collectively ;)
I believe that you are a great mom. It takes a great mom to allow a child the room & space to be who they are... even if who they are is difficult. You don't shame him, and that, THAT would be bad parenting. I get it. I totally get it. While some of their issues are different, a fair amount are the same. I don't ever really talk about that stuff here, because in part, I don't want *advice*, or to have people (family) minimize what is really going on. Kid has a very good barometer of what she can do in public that is acceptable (although often still cringe worthy... PLEASE DON'T SUCK ON YOUR SISTERS HAIR... I mean really?... that does not look good to others)... but she really lets it out at home. And increasing out of the home... which makes me wonder if she is more stressed?... or... if as she gets older she is going to act out in public more? I can't wait to find out. I cannot tell you how many times a day I have to say something to the effect of "really? do you really have to have a tantrum over this right now?" Or "Okay... you are getting way too angry." (I cannot tell you how much she loves when I say that! ;)
Maybe you guys need to go to a movie today. Turn it around into a birthday celebration day and pretend the morning didn't happen. I think for us, if she stays in school, that part of diffusing the built up stress is going to be taking a day off every other week. Fuck em.
I don't ever really talk about that stuff here, because in part, I don't want *advice*, or to have people (family) minimize what is really going on. I got you on that. I have been sharing more stuff because I can't talk about it with people in real life and sometimes I just need to say it out loud to believe this is really happening. Or to wait for someone to say, "huh? that's normal." or "Me, too, and it is so not normal."
Part of Murphy's issues are that he does not want to actually leave the house. It would be awesome if I could get him to go to the movies! Not gonna happen.
It takes a great mom to allow a child the room & space to be who they are... even if who they are is difficult. You don't shame him, and that, THAT would be bad parenting. I get it. I totally get it. While some of their issues are different, a fair amount are the same. Yes, totally agree. But if I thought shaming would work...;)
"Part of Murphy's issues are that he does not want to actually leave the house."
Kid is the same way. She sometimes enjoys stuff once we get there... but also usually has some take away criticism that makes me wish we never went... I try (and usually do) to laugh it off... but sometimes it just pushes me over the edge. Like I'm really sorry a took you to a movie (your favorite restaurant, amusement park, whatever) I am such a fucking bitch. Um... this is why I'm going back to therapy ;)
While Baby is high energy (Kid is NOT), it is so nice not to have to get in a battle every time I need to go somewhere. I mean... we still have to tie Kid's shoes for crying out loud (seriously)... because it is too frustrating for her and she'll throw a tantrum, storm off, slam a door and refuse to go anywhere. Oh fun times. I know her teacher must think we baby her... but... at least we got her there. You know? Baby steps.
we still have to tie Kid's shoes for crying out loud (seriously)... because it is too frustrating for her and she'll throw a tantrum, storm off, slam a door and refuse to go anywhere. Oh fun times. I know her teacher must think we baby her... but... at least we got her there. You know? Baby steps.
God, I know exactly what this feels like. There are so many things I still do. Murphy doesn't even know how to tie his shoes and I haven't even pretended to teach him. There are just too many other things to deal with. Wow, I can relate.
The perceived judgments (real or not) are what eat me up the most. Especially since for the most part, all a bystander would see is a sweet shy girl. But the energy I have to put into keeping everything that way is unbelievable. I'm really trying to work on not letting other people effect me. I need to do what is right, it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks of that... or what they *would do* (not that they have a fucking clue). Kid got invited to a b'day party at Chuck E Cheese. It took massive cajoling to just get her to go, and at this point socially at school we really thought this would be a good thing to do. Then, they are 8... so, it is a drop off party. She is immediately going into her weird clingy shit (which often included mouthing us... seriously?!... it is so embarrassing) and in the end we are those *helicopter* parents (as it appears to outsiders) that end up buying our own party package and sitting next to the real party so that she'll stay. I knew it looked like we were controlling/clingy freaks. But once she knew we weren't going to make this an issue, and that we were nearby, she then was able to relax and actually play with the kids. She never did end up sitting at our table. And in some ways it was a good moment for me to actually stand up and do the right thing for Kid and not try to force us all to fit in with what *everyone* else thinks is the right thing. With her age (as I'm sure you know) we're getting past the cute phase. People start to notice that your kid isn't acting like a normal *big* kid. I need to constantly remind myself that I can meet her needs or I can meet everyone else's need to believe that all kids should be doing X by X. I also want a bumper sticker that says "My kid is funnier than your kid". Because, really, she might not be willing to PUT ON HER OWN SOCKS... but she's fucking hilarious.
as you (mrs. f) know, my 6 year old has ocd and has been diagnosed and has an iep and gets OT and social skill therapy. THANK GOD she does ok at school, but life at home is a serious challenge. i never know when she will explode. i too had/have a hard time with others advice or comments. however i know i did the right thing - i know b/c when i had my videotape for the child study team the all completing caved right there in front of me that my child needed help. i was not the crazy mother over reacting. granted it was the SECOND meeting bc the first one i was brushed off nicely. i was prepared the second time.
she does well at school but this is due to the fact that her teachers and the school were prepared. home is the problem and NO one can understand, not even hubby can fully understand the management of her moods. i see hubby bring something out (a toy/game) or hear him say something and I know it is going to cause a problem. anyway i want to join this convo b/c i feel your and julie's pain ....maybe we need a private chat room ????
trifitmom,
"not even hubby can fully understand the management of her moods.
Yep. The other night Mr F came home and got annoyed that I was too brusk with him. (which of course led to a huge fight where I ripped him a new one) I had just gotten home from taking her to dance and then try to make a dinner really quick before going to swimming (same night... why the fuck did I do that?!) which involves getting her to change into a leotard and then a swim suit (she has extreme skin sensitivity... so this is a battle... in fact almost all clothing is a battle... every.single.day... oh and shoes?"). It's a lot. And sometimes I'm not going to be in a good mood at the end of it. It takes a lot of energy to keep putting out fires and not blow up... and bring Baby along for the ride. Of course he can be with them for an hour and end up getting annoyed with her. It's pretty much guaranteed they'll get into something on the weekend and he'll yell at her. He at least openly acknowledges that he couldn't be me and deal with it full time, he doesn't have the patience.
" i never know when she will explode."
That's the same with Kid. Over the summer things were getting better, but because she holds it in all day at school (she does not have behavior issues at school)... the shit will hit the fan when any tiny thing goes wrong at home. I'm sure that at some point she'll go on anxiety meds and that might help. Right now I'm trying to wait as long as I can... but... then I think it might help her NOW. I just don't know how I feel about it.
And that's a good idea. Maybe we can start a new private blog just for moms in a similar situation where we can spill the beans on how our days really went ;)
Mrs F,
I have been reading your blog for a while now, but, I have never commented before. However, I know you have been going through the big debate about homeschooling, and, I thought I might be able to... offer a different perspective?
I went to a private school from Kindergarten through the end of eighth grade, when I was forced to drop out for health reasons (grades were not an issue... state absence laws apparently don't care if you're in the hospital). My mom was told to homeschool me for the rest of the year, or I would be failed... obviously she chose to homeschool.
After that, I homeschooled with some family friends through graduation. And, I have to tell you... it was ABSOLUTELY the best thing for me! Now, everyone is different, and the social concerns are probably on the top of every parent's list who considers homeschooling... but, I didn't miss it. I was involved at church, I was in a homeschool group that I went to once a week and had actual teachers and other kids in my same grade... but with all the flexibility of homeschooling. I got to study what was interesting, and self-reward by getting my work done early and taking days off. Or, go to the beach if I wanted, etc etc.
I never felt left out socially. I had friends that were non-related to school, and, honestly? I was home with a very close family friend (the mom doing the homeschooling) and her three kids still in school... and I wasn't lonely. I enjoyed spending time hanging out at the house. Doing schoolwork in my pjs.
So, it really did work out for me. I actually feel like socially, it was an improvement for me when I started homeschooling. Academically? well, I'm a college student now (I had no problems getting into a school... SAT scores are largely what they care about), and I even have a full scholarship.
So, you may have already known those things. But, I just wanted to give my perspective... as the one who was homeschooled. I loved it, and I wouldn't have traded it for the world. :)
PS love your blog!
mrs F - ditto ditto ditto. i am a grumpy grump by the time hubby gets home at 9pm !!! and he will say - what is wrong ???? i feel like screaming.
oh and mine is on zoloft already - it helped soooo much....and yes same thing, she does GREAT at school, she is very socially motivated - so she let's loose at home. clothing.....ahhhhhh the clothing. i seriously can't even go into the problems on that end. i always thought it was her sensory issues BUT when we finally saw a doc we loved for the ocd he said one of the most common OCD issues in young girls is clothing. she goes to school looking like a cross btw lady gaga and cyndi lauper and i could care less, the point is i made it out of the house. lpraise the lord.
trifitmom,
Interesting... I did not know that about the clothes. That makes me feel better. Buying clothes or shoes is a nightmare. She is uncomfortable in almost everything. People will give her clothes for gifts... and they go straight to goodwill. She can't wear anything where she can feel any kind of seam, tag, waistline... her shoes have to fit in one exact way or she freaks out. Socks?! Please. Impossible to get a pair of socks that don't bother her.
Maybe we need to talk about putting her on something. She was doing so much better over the summer so I was hoping to put it off. It's helpful to hear that your daughter is doing well on it. I really want her to feel better and have more good days... or at least... just make things easier for her. It's heartbreaking really (as you know).
Kristen,
Oh, thanks for the comment! I appreciate your feedback. That's awesome. Thanks so much for sharing.
Good luck in college!
Mrs F & trifitmom,
I disappeared because we went to Tom's parents house for the weekend...or you know I would have had many more comments. I concur with trifitmom's 'ditto, ditto, ditto'.
I also thought some of Murphy's issues were strictly Sensory, but I am starting to believe that it may be something more...like anxiety. Interesting on the connection with OCD. I have wondered if there is some of that going on. I know Mr F will get this reference, not sure if you guys will, but Murphy is like Nomar when it comes to putting on pants, socks and shoes. It breaks my heart and annoys me at the same time.
The birthday party...we never leave either. Thankfully, either this is not a big party community or Murphy doesn't get too many invitations...which is just fine with me. One less stress.
I like trifitmom's idea. It is so nice to be understood. I mean how many other people in the world would totally understand wtf you mean by Kid's 'mouthing'. Oh, I know.
I better go so I can start the struggle of getting Murphy to school.
PS I had no idea, trifitmom, about your struggles with your child. So sorry that you are part of the "club." Great that the Zoloft is working. Tom and I were just saying yesterday that M should be on Zoloft. And then I told Tom he needed it, too. I am already on it so we got me covered;).
julie,
lol... we call Kid "Nomar" because of her shoe craziness. That is exactly what it is like. We'll have to put on and take off her shoes a couple of times before they are right. And, well, he has some OCD... so.... I guess it's a good comparison. After trifitmom's comment I googled OCD and clothing and holy shit! Yes it is a common symptom. I never even mentioned that to anyone before because I really thought it was just sensory. When I see my therapist I'm going to get her to give us a referral for Kid. Maybe it is time for the Zoloft.
julie - yes nice to meet you....sorry to hear we live in the same world. mouthing.....oh my 6 year old mouths toys ALL DAY long. it is scary. her teacher said she does funny things with her tongue all day long at school. we tried giving her gum. we tried teethers. i say get it out of your mouth a million times a day.
how old is murphy ? i would suggest getting the anxiety checked out, once you ahve a dx it is alot easier to deal with. at least in my crazy mind.
genetics.....hubby's side of family has anaroxeia for girls which is a form of ocd - feck. i have anxiety - the poor girl is screwed in her genes.
julie - do you have a blog ???
trifitmom,
genetics... anxiety on both sides baby!
Heck, Mr F has ADD & depression. A lot of Kid's issues with anxiety & OCD can look a lot like his ADD ones. My mom has anxiety. My younger sister has pretty severe anxiety. I'm, of course, perfectly normal ;)
And once you take into account the alcoholism, and other forms of self medication... it might turn out a fair amount of my relatives have it ;)
Hey Mrs F & trifitmom, this is the same julie with the snowman. Because of the whole SIL finding blog/Murphy privacy concerns, I changed my profile info and just put my blogs in there as blogs I follow. My current blog is actually "shorty gets fit". There is nothing on the wordpress blog i created today. I will probably change over to it soon. i haven't posted in a while because i didn't want anyone who actually knows Murphy to read it. I don't hold back much about him. Although, I could never fully express how challenging he is in a blog anyway.You have to live it to know.
Oh I understand what you mean, trifitmom, on the having a diagnosis as helping even though it doesn't make it go away. We have an initial diagnosis of ADHD for him, but are getting ready for a big evaluation to see what else is going on. Murphy is 9 and in 3rd grade,
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