Hello Goodbye

This year has been an interesting year for us.

Things are changing and different and busier and maybe...

more personal??

I'm not sure.

I feel more guarded here.

Or maybe I just feel how much more fleeting my life is now.

It is.

It is palpably different than it was even a couple of years ago.

Even one year ago?

I feel like my life is speeding up.

It is just moving so fast it is hard for me to catch up here and process it.

It is hard for me to catch up... period.

But I like where it is going.

I am failing and I am succeeding.

And it is all a balance and it is okay.

My people accept me and I'm letting the others go.

Sometime in the beginning of this year,

I thought I was missing myself.

Was I?  I'm not sure.  

I do know I felt like I was supposed to feel I was.

But I'm not.  

My kids are my success.

They are blossoming into their true selves and out of themselves

at the same time.

It is a pleasure to witness and be a part of.

This is the best of me... with them... in them.

They are great kids and good people.

Kind people.

Generous people.

Insightful people.

And very funny people.

I love them.  Very much.  Forever.

And I know with certainty that their baby cheeks and tummies are gone.

But I am gaining hugs that really hug back.

Full sized hugs.

And the laughter of people that share the same sense of humor.

And the camaraderie of my little family.

I have raised a family that loves each other.

And that is all I ever wanted.

And not as simple as it sounds.

My hole is filled.

And I don't want to miss any moment of it,

It doesn't repeat anymore the way the long baby days can.

It keeps moving on at the speed of light.

And it isn't as scary as you thought it would be...

(just so you know)

Leaving so much behind,

Because it turns out you don't lose anything.

You gain.

So, If I don't blog every day,

it is because...

I don't want to miss a thing.

I can always blog tomorrow.

Or tomorrow's tomorrow.

I Really Am Sorry

It seems like I should have more time for blogging.

But I don't.

I'm having a kind of hard time theses days.

Trying to carve out any personal time... at all.

Everything has a price.

And the move, has been good on many fronts, but not on every front.

I am alone a lot. A LOT.

Mr F's hours are such that he is home MUCH less.

And, he can't really contact me in the day.

So, he can't read the blog, and catch up on what we're doing, as he used to.

It turns out that might have been more of my motivation than I realized.

He used to know, via my posts, some things.

He was still able to be "in on it".

Not so much anymore.

Plus, the homeschooling... which does, in fact, take some time.

And then.... you remember our driveway right?.... super long asphalt?

Well that doesn't shovel itself.

So that's another 2-3 hours a day (counts as exercise right?).

And that time comes out of any small window I had for myself (for blogging, for working out, for Oprah...).

And, yes, we could get it plowed.

But I'm not actually sure that is going to change very much.

(Plus I did ask Mr F to handle that 4 weeks ago.... he bought me a new shovel last weekend...)

Anyway.

On top of that I'm getting these migraines 2x a month.

So, that there, is another 6-7 days a month that I just can barely function.

It's been kinda rough.

So, long story short.

I miss you.

I have not forsaken you.

I'll be back, in whatever way I can, when I can.

I am trying the best I can to keep everything moving in the right direction.

(except maybe me).

And I am trying to figure out in what way(s) I can continue to blog regularly.

But, right now, I just have so many other pressing tasks, that I haven't been able to figure it out.

Hopefully soon, though.

Right after I get Sweet Pea to stop ripping up everything made of cloth and containing a stuffing.

Sometime after that.

Still On The Road