I'm Going To Get You Sucker

Over the last several weeks Mr F & I have purchased a few flats of annuals and many gallon sized perennials for our front "beds". And when I say bed I really mean huge gapping hole in our hedgerow where our neighbor/former owner OBVIOUSLY pulled out a mature shrub and tried to transplant it in front of his new house. ( I know this because mere weeks after moving in I saw a dead shrub of same variety and size out at his curb... so thankfully he got what he deserved).

Anyway.

We hadn't noticed the hole when we looked at our house because he had planted a whole mass of morning glories to mound up and fill it in. That looked okay when they were in bloom... but it looked like HELL in the late fall and winter.

So this Spring we bit the bullet and spent what we could afford on some flowers and hostas and I went to town on that hole and then planted some in front of the hedgerow too to make it all look intentional.

Hot damn if I didn't do a good job too... even if I did have to use a kids' shovel as a trowel.

Oh hello Mr Slug... aren't you a friendly little critter.

Fast forward about a week...

Why are all the petunias in front of the shrubs eaten down to the quick? Everything else looks good. What is eating them? It must be something close to the ground... a chipmunk?

A couple weeks later I notice that ONE of three of the same type of perennial is practically dead. Why is it dying? The other two of the same variety are doing fine. What are all those holes in the leaves of everything? Caterpillars?... Oh cute I love butterflies.

The next week...

Jesus that plant is on it's last legs! What the hell is going on?

This week...

What the fuck?! Seriously! I think it's dead.

That's when I saw the slugs. And two and two finally came together in an instant when I suddenly remembered an episode of Victory Garden I had seen... oh... about 18 years ago (What?! We didn't have cable). They were making beer traps to kill the garden pests.

Holy shit. I've got garden pests.

I run inside and look it up online. Then crafted my traps and lay them out.

But I couldn't walk away. They were EVERYWHERE! How had I not noticed this before? Maybe because of the daily torrential rains that have kept me indoors... and made the garden a moist wonderland for those slimy little buggars.

So I plucked off all the slugs I could see and drown them on the spot.

Then I went in and served dinner.

"How can you not be infuriated about those damn slugs?! They are killing all the plants we just bought!" I ask Mr F emphatically.

"I will be when it's true." He replies.

"When it's true?!!! It's happening!" I counter.

I could hardly get through dinner.

Postponing my workout I made a salt solution and went back out. I picked off every single slug I could see saying "Die suckers!" as I drown them in my salt water. The slugs were out in full force and their damage and presence was far more extensive than I had first assessed.

Oh the rage! Oh the fury!

Those goddamn little bastards!!

What was I going to do?!

I went in to workout and blow off some steam.

Then having read that they are most active at night I headed out with my flashlight... OH MY GOD... the hundred or so I had already slaughtered was nothing compared to what I saw at night. It is lucky I only have one phobia because this is not a job for the faint at heart. The one nearly dead plant was COVERED in them. Literally covered. And huge slugs were all over the place.

Tomorrow I am off for Escar-Go! Those mother fuckers are going down!

Wherefore Art Thou ...You Jackass?!

It is 8:24 PM. Bedtime was at 8 PM. Unfortunately he has the kids.