Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Regrets

So the thing is ...

I desperately want more children.

When I asked Mr F if he wanted another kid he said "I'd rather die". And I kind of think he meant it.

Some of you probably know that we can't have more children. Well I can have more children... Mr F ?... not so much.

That was an intentional decision made with forethought and deep consideration.

Because we knew the time would come that I would forget how bad it was.

"Did you ever donate sperm to a sperm bank?" I ask one night.

"No." Mr F says somewhat incredulously.

"Well... way to think ahead." I remark then add...

"I guess it's time for me to get a 2nd husband."

UPDATE:
I've almost convinced Mr F to adopt these three kids. Seriously. He's actually been talking about how we could finish our porch to make more bedrooms.

39 comments:

Christy said...

I was asked the same question as we get ready to have baby 2 (due in 6 weeks) and there's no way I'm ready to make that kind of a decision - for the exact same reasons as you. Although some people say they know right away they don't want any more, I'm not so sure.....

katieo said...

"I guess it's time for me to get a 2nd husband."
HA!

Adoption? No sickness, no baby weight to lose, no freaking hormones to throw off your life for two years. We've considered it only because I hate being pregnant but we both want a big family. (and yeah... that's the crazy Mormon in me. I'd have 10 kids if I could)

Robin said...

Sorry about the regret. :(

That's what keeps me from sending Fred straight to the doctor's office. I don't want more kids. But I am really afraid to do anything permanent becuase, what if I change my mind? I'm 36 1/2 so I kind of feel like if I'm going to have another, I better do it now. But I don't want another one.....now.

Fred is done but he says we can have another if I want to. Thanks for the help. It would actually be easier for me if he would just say, "no way."

Colleen said...

That you would forget how bad what is, exactly? I'm interested, because I think I am just at the point of forgetting how hard the beginning is, the sleep deprivation, etc...yet if we forget and want another child enough (as you did with your second one, I'm assuming, and millions of women do), is it really SO bad?
Isn't a vasectomy reversible?
These questions are probably just theoretical if you both don't agree about wanting another one...

2kidsandtired said...

Oh boy. I am right where you are. Husband casually mentions "doing something about this" in reference to a trip to the Dr. Then I cry. Then the topic of discussion is closed.

I am 36, 2 kids, and the youngest off to kindergarten next year. Is that why I want more? To put off that stage of life? I am not ready to be THAT mom yet. So in the mean time, we bought a house with 3 bedrooms and sold all the baby stuff (I cried alot) all of the things that would make it super hard if we did have a third. Not to mention looming tuition.

Last major hurt was when husband said he "didn't think I could handle another".. not him, ME. Thanks for the vote of confidence in my mothering!!! (an aside, last child was a sick baby, food allergies etc and never slept, very expensive medical bills, etc... so YES I was likely NOT at my prime.)

Sad part is, I LOVE being pregnant and I love the small baby stage. Sigh. I just keep thinking if it is MEANT to be it will be.

and it hasn't...

2kidsandtired said...

...and I agree Robin. Sometimes a definitive would be better. I kind of wish I couldn't have more (husband just looked at me the other 2 times and I was pregnant)that way it wouldn't be MY decision to make. Right now I am afraid I would blame him if he did "do something about this".

I am sorry you are sad Mrs F.

Robin said...

LOL 2kids! We were the same. We like to say that I got off the pill and used his toothbrush, and I was pregnant.

angie said...

Be careful..you could end up with twins :-)

Mr Furious said...

We could end up with sextuplets—then we could take over the airwaves from Kate Gosselin!

Mrs F's horrendous second pregnancy is reason enough for me to keep my foot down. Seriously. I'm surprised one of us isn't sporting a tattoo to remind us never to do it again.

That said, I'm not anxious to reset the parenting clock again. When (if) Baby sleeps through the night (and weans?) this summer, we will start to get our "normal" lives back.

Plus, I'm 41. I don't want my kids calling me "Gramps."

Mrs Furious said...

Colleen,
Pregnancy. I have really REALLY bad pregnancies. Getting the vasectomy was my idea (while pregnant I might add) because I didn't think I could literally live through another one. The 2nd pregnancy was actually, unbelievably, worse than the first. It's not just morning sickness (or even all day) for me.... I actually beg to die. It's no good. BUT I did live ;)

And yes it is reversible but it's about 7K. Which is of course money well spent and it's only been 2.5 years so it would likely work.


Katieo,
Yes I have always wanted to adopt even before I knew about what my pregnancies would be like. I had worked with a lot of foster kids and told Mr F that I wanted to adopt from foster care even before we were married. At the time he was fully supportive...
And YES the not newborn, no colic, sleeps at night is a definite BONUS!!!


Christy,
WAIT

Mrs Furious said...

I should also say that we made the decision to get the vasectomy 2 weeks after Kid's second seizure and her Epilepsy diagnosis. At the time I couldn't conceive of a time when that wouldn't be a constant life or death worry. Looking back maybe that wasn't the best time to make a life altering decision.

Mrs Furious said...

2Kids&Tired,
"Last major hurt was when husband said he "didn't think I could handle another""
LOL!!!
I think Mr F has said that to me before.

Mrs Furious said...

Also it's interesting because after Kid I wasn't sure I wanted more. I couldn't contemplate being *more* fulfilled than I already was... the pregnancy was difficult... our parenting choices exhausting. So I spent 3.5 years OBSESSING over whether to have more or not and I agree with you (Robin & 2Kids) that in a way that was worse than just knowing it's a "no". But now I've had 2 and I know that you can be just as fulfilled (if not more so) by having more kids. That there is room in you heart and I've seen the difference in the kids in having a sibling. I'm really glad we had 2 and know wonder if 3 would be even more fun. And I also got pregnant on the one try both times... that's why we did the big V since we feared I'd be pregs again if we didn't.



Angie,
LOL!


Mr F,
" I'm surprised one of us isn't sporting a tattoo to remind us never to do it again."
Bwahaha! Good one. There is still time ;)

Mrs Furious said...

Kid just said she does want us to have more kids... BUT... only ten!

Andrea said...

I hear you on this most definently the more Caleb grows the more I long for a little baby but alas Chris got snipped when I was prego just because I was a terribly sick anemic dehydrated vomiting nauses fat chick all the damn time and never wanted to do it again. Im thinking I need to hurry up and get my degree and move on to the pedi scene so I will have my fill of kids.

Robin said...

So I guess you're saying we should wait on the big "V," huh? Sigh. I wish I could decide.

Remember my post a few weeks ago about what was making me crazy? I've been meaning to post an update, but it was my freaking birth control pills!!! I'm off them and so much more sane and happy. But I can't find an acceptable alternative birth control. Boo

Mrs Furious said...

Robin,
You could always try abstinence ... it works for us ;)

That is what is most laughable about him getting the vasectomy anyway!

And yes... I think if you have a debate you should wait. It's a lot cheaper. And if you are like me as soon as you know you can't have more you'll desperately want them. Murphy's Law.


Andrea,
That sounds exactly like our situation.

Robin said...

Re: abstinence.

That's the funny thing. We did practice abstinence while I was on the BCP (because I didn't wasn't in the mood.) Now that I'm off them, I'm in the mood a lot more. That's not exactly how I wanted the BCP's to work.

Ugh. We'll probably wait until I'm 40 do do anything drastic.

2kidsandtired said...

I recall, for fun of course, calculating how much I was actually paying for BCP... ya know, per pill actually USED or per time needed I should say. There was one month I paid $30 just for one quickie. Aside from the crazy mood swings, depleating milk supply and general yuckiness... I decided they werent worth it anymore.

Love how quickly husband looked up the female birth control surgery after he saw a commercial. We were on the couch and he had it on the iPhone quicker than I even realized what the ad was for. Guess that is him loud and clear "saying we are done!" Funny, some days I can't hear it even though he is screaming.

Mr F, my hubby will be 41 this month too.

julie said...

Funny, it is my husband who does not want to rule it out. Me, I'm done. I know my limitations. I know that all kids can be hard, but I feel like my kids are especially difficult. I know I would make a fantastic mother of a third child...and I have thought about it. BUT, my youngest is really challenging. I mean really challenging, not just he won't listen or go to sleep all night, etc. And it is not just me who thinks so...the school agrees. There is nothing "wrong" with him. He is just a really smart (smart ass, too), spirited kid that creates havoc in this family. I love him to pieces, but I don't have leg room with my sanity to have another. Everything is hard with this child.

I also got pregnant first try as well with both kids. Tom will not have a vasectomy.

I love watching big families and see that somehow it all works. I do question though how one can really get to know and spend enough time with all of the kids individually. I struggle with that with only two kids. But I do see that the children can form deep relationships with some of their siblings...sometimes one of the older ones are more like the mom than the actual mom. My dad came from a family of 13 (the whole Boston Irish Catholic thing) and he was close to the brothers closer to his age and more "fatherly" to the younger ones.

There are lots of kids who need a good home in this country. A casual friend is in the process of adopting a pair of brothers who were abused by their mother. The kids were 5 and 6 when she and her husband 'got' them. She said that she does not want to be pregnant, but she wanted children. I feel like she and her husband are real heroes. And obviously these boys are not easy as they spent the early years in an abusive home.

Sorry this is such a long rambling post!!

PS Katie, don't stop having kids...I love watching you with a gaggle of kids (all boys for now, but maybe there is a girl in your future!!)

Mrs F, maybe having the baby to care for starting in August will fulfill your baby desire. I have a friend who takes care of an infant and gets the best of both worlds...a baby to be with, but then not having to up all night with her, etc.

Claire said...

My Mom always said, "Where there is heart room there is head room," when I would be panicking abt how we were going to survive. Had my fourth daughter when I was 38 - started back teaching full time in Sept. was pregnant in Oct. had to go through the whole school year - school ended the end of May and I had her June 18th. April Joy - can't imagine life without her.

Heather said...

I think Mr F should have it reversed and you should have a third.

HOWEVER, remember that one post about how you were so sick with Baby that you considered terminating the pregnancy? I mean, SICK SICK. So there's that. If you're OK with that, and knowing that that will come and you may regret it (just while you're pregnant, not when you have da bebe), then go for it.

We'll probably have three.

Mrs Furious said...

Heather,
Yeah that is the problem. I wanted to terminate both pregnancies and with Charlotte is was pretty much a DAILY debate and it goes on like that for MONTHS not just the first trimester. It was awful. It is like I have a poisonous alien inside of me. But then I see Katieo make it through another and I think maybe I could do it.


Julie,
Yes when I get that baby I could be like "Oh Hell NO!" ;)


Claire,
That is the thing. I don't know anyone who regrets having had more children.

BsOnlyToots said...

OK I have to chime in here!

First Mrs.F .. you can ALWAYS borrow some of mine .. I Guarantee they are the BEST form of birth control ;)

Second: for those of you debating whether to get a vasectomy/tie your tubes, WAIT! If there is ANY doubt in your mind DO NOT DO IT! After baby #3 I knew I wanted to get my tubes tied, but something was nagging in the back of my head not t do it so I waited and sure enough when baby 3 was about 2 I wanted another! So baby 4 came along and same thing, so I waited .. and them BAM baby 5 came "on accident" and I knew for SURE that was it ... she was 27 mins old and I was in surgery having my tubes tied. I have not wanted another one! So again, any doubt wait it out!

Also, preggers on the first try for each of my 5!

Chris Howard said...

Fortunately, Michelline and I agree on this one. I got snipped at 30. We almost didn't have Libby, but I think she always saw us as a 2-kid family.

Kiki said...

I just deleted my two paragraph comment.....I'm so over myself.

I think you'll know what to do when the time is right. That is what everyone tells me at least.

Marie said...

Dh got the big V this past year. Initially we talked about having it done when #3 was a few weeks old..and we ended up waiting until she was about 1 1/2 to make the appt and go. I felt that I was done after #3 but wanted to be sure. (I kinda felt done after #2, but as she got a little bigger I really wanted another). Now I still wholly and completely feel done. Our neighbor has an adorable baby and while she is cute to hold I no longer yearn for those early months of cuteness. Now I'm looking forward to being able to do more w/ my girls as they get bigger.

And even if I did want another one day, forget about it. I can just see telling Dh "hey-know how you had your balls cut? Wanna do it again?" Yeah...I value my life too much.. :-)

Staci said...

Josh & I were always in agreement on 2 kids. We both come from families with 2 kids & we always said 0 or 2.
We had our first, I was 22. Second came 26 months later. Both planned pregnancies.
When #2 was born we were both VERY eager to get DH in for the big V.
It was the best thing ever for us. Almost 10 years later & no regrets or baby twinges.

inkelywinkely said...

I want as any as I can be blessed with. My grandmother had 7, her mother 16, (my mother two.LOL), and my aunt has nine.

:)

lucinda said...

I think you should talk to your mother about this:-)I'll show you my tattoo.

inkelywinkely said...

See what you do, Mrs F?

It is my birthday and all I want is a baby.

Before sundown.

:D

Mrs Furious said...

inkelywinkely,
Happy Birthday!!!!

inkelywinkely said...

Thanks!

Supermom said...

LOL!!!! Mrs F I tell Superdad that my 3rd husband will be British!!!

HA HA!!!!

Mr F!!!! Come on now. Superdad is 46 and I am trying to talk him into just ONE more.

I hope you are enjoying the sun. I mean RAIN!!!!!!!

Missives From Suburbia said...

We're having similar conversations here, except there's no reversal to be done, and I'm not as young as the two of you. (Well, you. I was just being nice to Mr. F who is, indeed, older than me and probably the only person on the planet who is. Love you, Mr. F!)

Mrs Furious said...

Staci,
That does kind of give me hope that there is a number that is the right number... you know? Like maybe this is a legitimate want on my part.


Deb,
Don't close the door. I think if you are debating it then you aren't done.


Supermom,
Hey, we can always be each other's wing(wo)men when we hit the bars looking for new men.


Marie,
LOL on the cutting the balls!


Chris,
I think that might be the thing for me... I always (prior to having kids) thought I'd have 3. Plus Mr F and I have lots of siblings and I guess 2 is still foreign to me.

Supermom said...

Supermom,
Hey, we can always be each other's wing(wo)men when we hit the bars looking for new men.


Sounds perfect!!!!!!!!

Preppy Mama said...

I am so laughing out loud at this because I just said to my husband that my memory has come back in full...it is so hard!! I am a week back in the game and I am praying a rich long lost relative will send my a baby nurse!!!

Mrs Furious said...

Preppy Mama,
I hope you are not in too much pain. I know you said you weren't at first but with my Charlotte the pain intensified once I got home and started doing more than I should. Take it easy. In two years you won't remember any of this ;)

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