Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Have You Been Waiting For This?

20 comments:

sara said...

Mrs. Furious,

I am very sympathetic to your situation as I recently dealt with a similar issue. One of my good friends from college recently got married and I was unable to attend the wedding because of the $$. She is no longer speaking to me (just like your friend). It really is a shame that both your friend and my friend can't look past our absence at their respective weddings especially in these tough economic times. In fact, it almost makes me angry. Friends are supposed to be understanding and it's not like we've committed some heinous crime against them. Sorry you're going through this--I know it has got to be hard.

-SawSaw

Mrs Furious said...

SawSaw,
"Friends are supposed to be understanding and it's not like we've committed some heinous crime against them."
Totally. That is very much how I feel.

Mrs. Smitty said...

I am sorry your friend has opted to be like this. My college roommate got married in Florida a few months after the Things were born. She told me to bring them, whatever I needed to do to be able to come. There was no way I was going to be able to travel from MI to FL with the three kids and we could not afford it. The reality of our money situation was becoming clear at that point.

But I was lucky, she sent me pictures, I sent a gift. We've talked since then, she didn't shut me out. I feel like I should call her today...

I hope your friend comes around to realize that 30 years means so much more than one day. (and down the road, you can photoshop yourself into her wedding photos and pretend you were there!)

Me, Only Better said...

I hate brides who think the whole world revolves around them. What a terrible thing, to throw 30 years away over one day.

I agree with you that people who have destination weddings have to know that not everyone can afford it. It doesn't matter what the economic times are - not everyone can spend 5k at the drop of a hat, or frankly want to. If I had a choice between a destination wedding and a family vacation with my kids - I would choose my kids.

I do also agree with your observation that you and your friend are at different places. If nothing else, the fact that you have kids and she doesn't. Many people don't get what that means until they have kids of their own.

More than anything though, I am sorry for the loss of your friend in your life. I know that whatever way we lose a good friend, it is a hard space to fill.

Supermom said...

Mrs F ~

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Your friend should understand about everything. That's what friends do! We understand.

Bummer!!!

Call when you want to get together.

Me :)

Nutmeg said...

This frustrates me so much!

I remember when you first posted about this. I'm sorry she isn't understanding, and I'm sorry that she didn't approach the destination wedding in a reasonable way with you, her best friend... specifically I personally would (no matter what someone's financial situations APPEARED to be, because who knows) talk to those closest to me and have told them I really want them to come, but if they couldn't I would understand because... I WOULD.

Argh. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have my best friend to call when things were hard (or when things were good) or to be able to hear about how her life was going, I would miss both ways on that relationship, so I am sorry you are losing so much right now

Mrs Furious said...

Mrs Smitty,
" There was no way I was going to be able to travel from MI to FL with the three kids and we could not afford it. "

Yes same situation. The travel required and cost of the whole trip + use of vacation days etc was just too much. We wouldn't have even considered it for anyone less important.



Me, Only Better,
" Many people don't get what that means until they have kids of their own. "
That is a big part. It is the kind of thing you don't realize you don't get until you are asked to travel with a two year old... and then... you get it ;) She definitely doesn't understand the difficulty we're having in the big picture either. She just doesn't get that our financial stress is different. It's not should I really buy that thing for me... it's I can't afford the food I want to buy for my kids at the grocery store. Obviously she didn't get it... or she'd still be talking to me. I think she still views it as I *chose* not to come. I really didn't have a choice.


Supermom,
It's frustrating. I think she can't see past her own hurt feelings.


Nutmeg,
Oh I'm feeling the anger.
It is a difficult situation. I think she sees herself in a certain way that is kind of above reproach (in her mind). She is very *nice*. She does the right thing. BUT sometimes the *right* thing isn't so black and white. I've got a lot more riding on my decisions. a couple thousand bucks isn't the same in my world as it is in hers and she is truly oblivious to that. At the end of the day... this situation only highlights the fact that she needs things to be on her terms. She doesn't realize that about herself... but... that is the truth. She needs me to come to her. If I don't it *hurts* her. If she doesn't see me that's okay. It is only my actions that can be hurtful. You know? If in 7 years she managed to drive 45 minutes to my house a couple of times... thats okay. And honestly it was okay to me. I understood that it is complicated when you go home for holidays to fit everything in... even if it was disappointing to me personally I understood. I NEVER said a word about it. But If I didn't buckle a screaming infant in a car and drive in the snow to see her at her family's house every time she was in town... that was *hurtful* and I'd hear about it. I have always felt a lot of pressure. And I have always felt that I could not meet her expectations. It is not too surprising that she planned a destination wedding... self fulling prophecy on that one.

Kiki said...

I wish I could say I'd known you for 30+ years, I moved so much it was hard to stay in touch. To tell the truth there are some friends who remembering what I WAS like (in high school [awkward and gawky] ) wouldn't have "let me up" from that characterization. It does seem, though, that you would be that kind of friend, not holding my previous immature behavior, against me.

It's shocking that she would hold this against you and for that I'm so sorry. Does she read your blog? If she does I'd like her to know that I'd have given anything to have a friend like you!! XO!

Mr Furious said...

I just couldn't get past the fact that they chose to have a destination wedding in the middle os the worst economic climate since the Great Depression and cannot understand how that could be a problem for some people.

Mrs F was riddled with guilt for months and really was trying to conceive ways to attend until the last moment, but it was never really a realistic option.

I reached the anger point much more quickly, because I could see the pain Mrs F was in over the whole thing.

julie said...

I was wondering, too, if your friend reads your blog.

People who have money and all the freedom that goes with it do not fully understand what it means to be tight on cash. They just don't get it.

I really can't believe she is so upset about it. Must not have that much in life to complain or fret about if she holds onto something like this.

If it was that important for her for you to be there, she should have offered to pay for you guys to come.

HC said...

Dude, I'm sorry it played out like this. I just wrote out a very "colorful" commentary about how I think she's behaving, and then quickly deleted it because this is a family blog, and it's really just not my place anyway.

But know that there were a hell of a lot of F-bombs dropped in your honor.

Mrs Furious said...

I don't know if she reads or not. I'm assuming not... if she does... and read that Putty died and couldn't get over herself enough to write me an email about that... then... I don't want to be her friend.



Kiki,
I am your friend. I've been trying to convince Mr F to move to Myrtle Beach all week! I keep telling him it would be like we had an instant family.


HC,
Oh believe you me there were some F bombs uttered while I was telling the story to my hair stylist tonight. Lots of them. I'm getting more and more pissed as I think about it!


julie,
she is just not going to get it. When she picked the location (expense withstanding) she actually said she had considered the difficulty of traveling there with a two year old. And I was like .. "how could you if you didn't ask me what it would be like?" And that's kind of indicative of how everything went down.

Claire said...

A friend gave this to me beautifully framed:
"A faithful friend is a sure shelter. Whoever has found one has found a rare treasure."

A faithful friend is one who understands that when you say you don't have any money - you really don't have any money. I had a very good friend tell me when she heard that I was expecting my fourth baby that she couldn't be friends with me anymore because she didn't want to be involved with babies anymore and I was going to be too tied down. I had another friend tell me that she couldn't go to the mall with me because I was too tall and she was so "petite" that she felt we "looked strange walking around." Fortunately God has seen fit to give me friends that more than make up for the "lost" ones - and they have become like sisters to me. Come to Myrtle Beach you know we'll be your friend.

halfdozendaily said...

I can't really add much to everything else that's already been said... i'm sorry you lost your friendship. It kinda baffles me at some of the things people will let come between a friendship.

Hope you're feeling better soon! ((hugs))

Sunshine said...

This situation sucks.

Hope things turn around for you!

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Mr Furious said...

They're even outraged in China!

Elizabeth said...

Yeah, nothing imporant to add, just sympathy...

It is such a shame that she's holding your factual inability to do something against you.

Mrs Furious said...

halfdozendaily,
" It kinda baffles me at some of the things people will let come between a friendship."
Seriously!


Elizabeth,
That's the thing that pisses me off the most. It's not like we could go but just fucking didn't want to. I really think that's what she thinks... or that I didn't go to punish her for choosing that location. I really think she didn't quite get what I meant when I said we couldn't afford it.


Sunshine,
Oh thanks.


Claire,
"I had a very good friend tell me when she heard that I was expecting my fourth baby that she couldn't be friends with me anymore because she didn't want to be involved with babies anymore and I was going to be too tied down."
I can't even believe someone would say that!
I wish we could just pack up and move to the beach. I'd love to.

gooddog said...

We've been out of town and now I'm sick so I've been out of the reading loop for a few days but OH AM I BACK with a vengance. For real? She hasn't had any contact with you? I'm sorry... she may be in the DSM-IV under "narcissistic personality disorder." Nuf said.

Just come down the mountain for a day and hang with Sunshine Mom and me! We'll love on ya! And we'd love it!!

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