Thursday, October 29, 2009

Licking Our Wounds

It isn't until I lay down at night and try to still my mind that the grief washes over me.

The disappointment.

I feel like I am being swept up in a strong tide only to realize in a moment of panic that it is a whirlpool.

And I don't have the strength or energy left to pull myself out.

To fight.

Yet I'm terrified of being pulled under.

To give in.

Isn't that natural?

What's down there?

Maybe it's peaceful, I wonder while trying to drift to sleep.

Maybe it's quiet and calm.

Maybe I should just let go.

What happens when you stop having dreams?

Maybe you stop getting hurt.

I don't know that I'll ever find out.


Supermom said...

I am so sorry Mrs F!

I keep thinking of you guys!

Remember our conversation?

We can have it all!

I bet the BEST it YET TO COME!

Kelly said...

Oh Mrs F! I know it doesn't help much, but I know what it is to have your dreams crushed. I also know that right now it's hard not to lay down and give up. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope your tunnel doesn't go on much longer!! If I can help let me know!

Andrea said...

You guys are always in my thoughts, I really hope that you know your not alone in alot of things. But its hard it sucks and sometimes it does feel easier to just not dream. I hope you know that you encourage me and Im sure others when you open up like this I am not so brave and usually tend to hold it all in one day Im sure I'll explode.

Claire said...

Your words are so real and make us realize once again that we are not alone in our own crushing disappointments - whatever they may be - and whatever time they may come. I had a friend that would always remind me that these experiences were all building "character" in me - many times I wanted to strangle her when she would say those words to me - but I know she was right - and it didn't just build "character" in me but in my children too as they weathered our storms.

michelline said...

I'm so sorry, Mrs. F. I wish we could be there to give you guys huge hugs.

Lori said...

They say life is a journey!
Sometimes it's nice for the ride to be on our terms.

Mrs. F, I so feel your pain and wish I could give you a big HUG!
The best advice I received was "Let go of the Rope." It took me awhile to realize exactly what that meant. When I actually did let go, I could finally breathe again.
I know right now your "rope" feels like it's hanging you, but let it loosen a bit. Continue to look for that peace, but have faith that it's within reach.
I know this probably doesn't help, but we all love you guys and I know you have many positive prayers and thoughts directed your way.
Keep your chin up!

julie said...

Ditto to what Lori said. I really like the part about the rope...for me anyway.

I am so sad for you guys. Something has got to come your way.

scout0033 said...

Or you realize that the whirlpool is beautiful in its own way. No need to swim out, no need to sink in. Just ride around and enjoy. Maybe one day a current will pull you downstream but then the ride would be over.

Elizabeth said...

I'm never good with this kind of thing, but I'm sorry your life didn't change the way you wanted it to.

The last few years (as you may know) I've moved nineteen billion times it seems. Each place or situation has its own... set of circumstances bad and good.

Even the places that are more bad than good have really taught me something.

Of course it's hard to see that when you're in the middle of a place/time that just sucks. But concentrating on what doesn't suck, on each moment that doesn't suck, and hoping, praying, believing that in the end these situations make me a stronger, more interesting person is part of what got me through what were actually a tough few years.

Literally I spent a few months here and there stopping and saying things like "ok, right now I'm walking to work, it's kinda nice outside. This doesn't suck. Right now is pretty good." It helped. Really.

And! (me and the dissertations right now!) Seriously, give yourself permission to not 'buck up' to be depressed and angry about it. Those jerks didn't know your (well, Mr. F's) worth! They ruined your plans! Darn them!

Grief and anger are *reasonable*. You're entitled.

ok.. enough with the disertation today.


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