Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Today Was A Good Day/Bad Day

Reviewed Kid's school experience, symptoms, and other stuff with psychologist.

Referred for psychiatrist and immediate medication.

Complete validation that she needed to be pulled out ASAP.

And that she is never going to thrive in a traditional school.

So that was good.

It's good to be validated.

But it's also HARD.

It's hard to hear that, even thought we know it's true, that your child will have a harder life.

That she has a harder time being happy.

That she has a harder time. Period.

And that she does indeed have "severe OCD and anxiety".

Even though I knew that.

There is still some sadness.

There is some relief too... this is something.

This is something.


And you're wrong. She can't snap out of it. She can't be like "everyone else". She is not like you were or your children (unless you are trifitmom... and then YES she is) She isn't going to change. She is going to do weird things when she is nervous and act strange... and yes wouldn't it be great if she didn't?... yes, but it would be a hell of a lot better if she didn't feel the way she does inside. And she's not going to suddenly start doing things the way all of your children do them if I just stopped babying her. P.S Not all children are resilient. In fact some children are the exact opposite of resilient. Just like some adults are. We're all different.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

Oh, and tonight Kid decided to unleash the wrath she's been brewing.

She wants to go back to school.

Simply because I don't equal 23 kids.

And no matter what... I'm not going to.

But I am someone who recognizes that being smart and fitting in are not the same thing.

In fact, you could probably guarantee the kids that don't...

Are the smartest.


Gigs said...

I don't want to say the wrong thing here, especially as the first to comment...I know she's not just like my kid, and I'm not going to offer unsolicited advice. But I think I can understand some of what you are feeling, knowing that your child isn't just naturally carefree and happy. Knowing that they are smart but will struggle. Knowing that life for them just isn't easy, or "normal". And it may never be...for your child, or for you and your family. And that your child is that way because of the way their brain was put together, not because of anything you did, or could do. Your italicized "aside" sounds like it was written directly for my in-laws...so I get the judgemental stuff too. (Maybe I'll just copy that whole bit and stick it in an email!) I'm sorry for your sadness and hurt over this. But it is huge that you've taken this step and can feel like you are doing something to help her. I wish I could hug all of you...really, I do.

Julie said...

Oh I so feel for you. You know I get it. God, I so get the "good/bad" thing.

You are parenting Kid the way she needs to be parented. You are not babying anybody. People not 'in it' really could never ever understand.

I am happy you were validated, yet I am sorry for all of the hard stuff.

I wish I didn't understand, but I do.
Love to you all.

Mrs Furious said...

Thank you, ladies. It's definitely good/bad. She had a bad afternoon and it's just hard and heartbreaking to work through this grief over leaving her friends (which let's refresh ourselves that she has really only had friends for 5 weeks...so...). The only thing that kind of surprised me was the psychologists surprise/concern over her mouthing me when she's nervous... I guess that is actually as weird as it looks! ;) Oh well. At least she only does that in public ;)

I, of course, am not writing the italicized bits to you guys. I know you both get it, along with several other readers. But, I know, there are several other readers out there that don't. Best to head those ones off before they get started ;)

Julie said...

The only thing that kind of surprised me was the psychologists surprise/concern over her mouthing me when she's nervous... I guess that is actually as weird as it looks! ;) Oh well. At least she only does that in public ;)
I deal with so many weird behaviors in this house that I often forget that some of this stuff would be odd to someone "normal". I love it when I say something about the weird stuff and get looks from people like I am a freak. It is so supportive;).

I have to get Murphy to sleep. And yes, I still sleep with my 3rd grader. It is the only way we get any peace and sleep in this house. SuperNanny would end up laying down with my boy as well. Trust me non-believers.

Oh, I knew you didn't mean us with 'italicized' stuff. I enjoyed what you wrote though. It made me feel understood actually.

Nutmeg said...

Julie, man do I get odd looks when we talk about sleeping with our kid (4)... but if they had to live with him they would be sleeping with him too, no doubt. I especially LOVE the little knowing smiles I get, like they could have handled the craziness better.

Mrs.F, I totally get the whole thing. I had a terrible time in school, but not as much with the teachers, but I had NO friends and more than that was actively insulted, threatened and made fun of. Even when I found a niche in highschool of all the geekiest/smartest/weirdest kids who were my friends, it was still acceptable for them to make fun of me for being "smart" or WHATEVER. I got lucky with teachers going easy on me and my inability to keep my mouth shut or sit still.

Now as mommy to a kid with a pretty clear social anxiety problem, I have to worry about that whole new situation. When so many friends of our family who are early childhood educator look at him and his funny/weird/anxious/sensitive/smart in some ways, behind in others and they say... "Oh yeah, he's going to need a private school." I get worried.

So.. you are my hero because I know I don't have the stamina or drive to homeschool, E... even though I think it might be the best thing for him for these younger years at least. I could postpone my career to do it but I know I just can't physically manage it... so yeah. I'm impressed that you know the right thing and are going after it. Kid and Baby are lucky.

trifitmom said...

listen mrs f. it is freaking in the stars that you and i and kid and my kid meet and have a big effing anxiety fest.
i am sorry that you are dealing with this. your kid will be fine in this world b/c she has a mom who is going to advocate for her and get her the help she needs to learn to cope in this world. she will shine brighter than you could ever imagine b/c she has you.

i just left a meeting they had a school. a group of moms formed a group called ourtown friends of different learners. i love that name. our kids or not abnormal, they just need to learn things in a different way than the traditional way. the meeting was about resources that are out there, but it turned into a bunch of moms talking about how hard it was to get their kid the appropriate help. we are not alone.

after this meeting i am thinking of taking mine into NYU - there is some program themoms were raving about and got all sorts of answers and help.

now that kid has a dx - make sure you get everything you can for her through the school - even if you homeschool, i think you are entitled to therapy and such. we can chat offline if you want.

and yes i thought i was PG and freaking lost it, so far 2 test say NO. if i am i might stop blogging b/c i honestly would be put in jail for how crazy i might become.

G in Berlin said...

I was unbelievably anxious as a kid- had an ulcer at 16. I think, after a while, that Kid will be excited at all the things she will do with you and that the thing you will find going forward is a way to find friends for kid through activities that you think about and that are fun. I think that Girl Scouts can be great, or Explorers: chances to explore lots of activities in a fun environment that you can be part of and that will also be welcoming to Baby (I have the 7 year old 4 year old thing going on and understand the impossibility of finding separate activities). It's 10 months later and my 7 yo still asks about the last school and her friends there- it's darned amazing that her memory and thoughts and pain can be clearer and stronger than mine.

moley said...


I too understand! My kids are *different* and will struggle with life I expect.

I think the demographics of home schooling are different over there but over here, half the kids have some sort of special needs and are at home because the schools can't cope with them. Therefore the kids and parents are very accepting of differences and quirks.

I wish you luck with finding a supportive local group where you and kid can make friends and get support. It makes such a difference!

carrie said...

Sending you positive, happy thoughts. What an honor for you to be chosen as Kid's mom, and how lucky she is to have gotten you. Hugs!

Julie said...

I especially LOVE the little knowing smiles I get, like they could have handled the craziness better.
Word on that, Nutmeg!

Gigs said...

Can I just say I love this blog? For Mrs. F's humor and insight, and for the candor of her readers, who always remind me I'm not alone. Thank you, ladies.

Torey said...

I don't know, and I won't pretend to know. (also myspacebar has issues today)

But I think Kid is so lucky to have and Mr. F as parents. You both DO understand, and you are going to help her be happy and healthy. You can do this! It will be worth it in the end, even though there will be struggles. You can do this!

Andrea said...

I just wanted to say I admire you as a parent. Ive never met you and may never but you are a great parent you have a great amount of issues to deal with and you do a great job.I have a hard time letting go of what people say about my parenting and judging me so I stay pretty reserved about the whole thing I feel after everything youve been through youve helped me see that I need to stand up for my parenting I am my kids mother nobody else is and I know what they need and I dont really need some other mothers making me feel like crap. I love coming to your blog and feeling normal lol.

Deb said...

In fact some children are the exact opposite of resilient. Just like some adults are. We're all different.

Yes. So true.

Kiki said...

I think about when you guys were here and Kid and I went out into the ocean, she let me pick her up and carry her out into the waves....that day she trusted me to keep her safe and in doing that gave me a gift....that trust was so precious and sweet-I tear up thinking about it....Kid is amazing because she has an amazing mom-I know that whatever you do, whatever decisions you make.....they are only for her benefit. And what more could a child want than to be loved and supported by her parents?!!!

Love you guys, hang in there....you're amazing!!

Leenie said...

Mrs. F, I don't have kids (my 2 large pups don't even come close, no matter how special I think they may be) but after seeing what my mom went through advocating for my brother and sister (both with learning, speech and hearing issues) I can only hope one day to be strong enough to do what you've done. You are the only true advocate in the long run. I don't envy you, but if more parents cared like you do (and some of the other posters) I think the world would be a much better place. Be strong. Kid will thank you one day.

Me, Only Better said...

Mrs. F,

I hear your struggles and totally empathize. My youngest (8) has been recently diagnosed with anxiety based trichotillomania, and she is being assessed for a learning disorder (which I know will show that she has one). And although I know that her struggle isn't about me, it is about me in many ways, and the grief and loss, the negotiating a new reality, and the coming to terms with what this will all mean for her and how I can help her with her learning and coping.

So I get it, I really do.

And I wish you love and luck on this journey.

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