It's Not In The Numbers

Today we went to see Kid's neurologist for our check-up. We've still got another 9 months to go before they even consider weaning her off the anti-seizure medication so not much was going to be revealed at this appointment. She hasn't had any seizures, she doing well, her behavior is no longer a problem, she's sleeping well. So Mr F opted out of this appointment since he's taking off next week for her eye surgery (yeah it is nothing but fun times around here). The problem with that is that schlepping both kids to the hospital for the appointment and dealing with the overflowing parking structure and the slow elevators and everything is annoying at best and often times just a little stressful. We don't even live 2 miles away and yet I have to get them all in the car about 45 minutes ahead of time to account for all that can happen between our door and the clinic's.

My worst fears were not realized and I managed to pull it all together and with a bit of nagging we arrived just on time (no not 15 minutes early as we were requested to do). Baby tolerated her stroller for a bit and then explored the room. Fortunately they had a scholastic book on arctic explorers which might as well have been hand picked by Kid and she was happily listening while Baby crawled under some chairs to investigate dangerous chords and whatnot. Really it wasn't so bad. Baby never once tried to flee the room.

The doctor is a super nice engaging older man. He remembers (or takes VERY detailed notes to help him remember) minute details of your family... looked at Baby and said "The last time I saw you you must have been four and half months old." umm... yeah... to. the. day. Seriously folks. Anyway I enjoy that in him. He engaged Kid in some ball throwing and jumping and asked her some basic questions. Then we talked about what comes next. I'm pretty well read on Epilepsy and so I'm well acquainted with the numbers and how things will be.

Having said that I still always have some deep down secret desire to arrive at the appointments and have some unexplained turn of events discovered that result in a new diagnosis or NO diagnosis. When that doesn't in fact happen, as it inevitable won't, and we begin talking about the reality of the situation it is hard not to leave a bit depressed. And the funk can kind of hang around for a bit and the funk can turn into grief and at its worst into an inner hysteria that makes me fear for my daughter's life and even start to mourn it.

In November we will start to slowly wean Kid off of her medication. During those few months and then the following six is when she would most likely have a repeat seizure. If she doesn't then she will no longer have epilepsy and it will be assumed that she has outgrown it. 70% of children do outgrow it. But obviously 30% do not and they may seize during the weaning or in the 6 months following or they may seize seemingly out of the blue 5 years later. You'll never know. You. Will. Never. Know. You can't try to feel what that would be like but I suspect if you are not the parent of a sick kid in remission of something you probably can't. Many people will look at those numbers and think those are good odds. Well when your child only has a 2% chance of having Epilepsy in the first place and then manages to have the most uncommon form numbers no longer mean much or offer much consolation. The reality is for every 7 kids who will successfully outgrow it 3 will not. And even the parents of those lucky 7 will still never know if there world will suddenly come crashing down a few years down the road. It's not like you get a certificate that guarantees your recovery.

The main concern I have at this point is that Kid will be most likely to have a seizure between November and August of next year... when she would be going to school. The school does not have a full-time nurse and the neurologist did make it clear that that is by FAR the preferred situation. So I'm not sure she'll be going to school. I have a lot of mixed emotions about this and will need to take some time to really process what I think will be best. For now I'm still going to attend the Kindergarten roundups and open houses and may look into the private schools and see what their onsite medical coverage is like. But in the end I don't know if I can live through the amount of worry I'd have EVERY DAY. I'm not sure it would even be tolerable for me to do so.

Post Turkey Day Triumph... Kind Of

So if you've been obsessively checking my sidebar stats (and why would you not?!) you know I have not been working out AT ALL this week. One thing has snowballed into another all week. We've had friends and family visiting.. canceling their visits.. rescheduling their visits.. and actually visiting. This has meant that even my best laid plans have been thrown out of whack. And yes I could have made more of an effort and admittedly I did not.

I kind of enjoyed all the time off and found myself once again slipping out of my routine and slipping further and further away from reaching my week's goals. This has been happening more and more these last few weeks. I'm not totally sure what to make of it. Partly I've just been tired and partly I've been overwhelmed by all the things I have needed to do between Kid's birthday and Christmas. There is also a part of me that isn't that motivated to get off my ass. I'm done losing and it doesn't seem to matter how many hours I put in on the treadmill I've enter a comfortable weight and I'm not gaining it back.

So that's the good news. I'm maintaining. I'm eating 2000 calories a day and I actually lost a little this week. The bad news is that I'm tired and busy and ovewhelmed and I'm just not feeling that motivated. I know on the one hand that putting in my workout does a lot more than just help me maintain my weight... it helps me feel more energetic, more pulled together and less stressed.

So why oh why is it always so hard for me to stick with it? Why is it so easy to give into my lazy impulses.. and will it ever get easier? When I've had a stretch like this each day it gets harder to get back into my routine... and each day I'm reminded of how easily this could all slip away from me. It was honestly easier when I still had weight loss to motivate me. That seemed a more manageable and quantifiable and necessary goal. Ultimate fitness seems a little bit of a stretch.. something I don't really know how to measure or define... and something so long term that it can be overwhelming if not paralyzing. How do I fit it all in?

These days off have been such a nice reprieve and instead of watching TV and feeling badly about not working out I've stepped it up and actually used my time to knock off stressors from my To-Do lists. And maybe that is justified and necessary and okay to do every now and then... but when you are me... and you are a sabotager... how do you balance a need for a break from the routine without setting yourself up for failure and disappointment?

Today still suffering from a turkey... okay pie.... hangover I sucked it up. I faced every impulse to "take a nap", "have a hot shower", "you're tired", "it feels like Sunday", "you can do it tomorrow" and I put on my shoes and got on the treadmill anyway. I knew I had to make an effort that after 4 days off I was really pushing it and I needed to recommit and show myself that I can do it. To stop the negative self-talk and turn this ship around before it was too late. So I did... let's hope I can keep it up for the rest of the weekend.

Throwing In The Towel

I'm taking the rest of the week off of exercise.
I just can't do it all.
I'm exhausted and my hand pain is back.
I've got Kid's birthday party to plan for next week and I still need to hunt down Medusa costume clothes and brass wings before next weekend.
I still don't have any decent pants to wear... once you can actually pull your buttoned jeans off without unzipping them or unbuttoning them then I guess they are officially *too big*.
And there just aren't enough hours in the day for me to get it all done.
Oh and I'll need to really clean the house this weekend so that I can do just a quick pick up before the party.
Arrrggghhh... I want to throw up!
Plus Kid has a three hour *makeover* party at a friend's house tonight... which eats up a fair amount of my prep time. Do five year olds need makeovers? Kid doesn't even know what makeup is. I don't know if you've ever noticed but Kid is not exactly a girly girl to begin with!
So I'm trying hard to keep our party prep low key and in perspective.
And I need pants.... I desperately need pants. I must fit that in to the weekend somehow.
Plus I must get out our Halloween decorations today... I've been putting it off too long. Did I ever mention that Kid's birthday is Halloween? Yeah... so kind of a BIG deal around here!
Oh and I have to return all my Gap stuff. If I haven't worn it in 2 weeks I'm never going to wear it.
Bwwwwaaaahhhh.... and my day is just beginning!

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Progress Report:
I have decorated the house (slightly less than usual but good enough!)
&
I have made Kid's Party favor bags... which are working double duty as decorations.... how smart is that?!?